Nothing But Another Shadow

SpartanCatlord

Initial Impression: (cover, title & blurb)

I don't love your cover. There's a lot to improve there. For starters, the font you've chosen is difficult to read and I don't really see a fantasy vibe coming from it. Second, the picture you chose is vague and a little blurry. I'd recommend requesting a new cover from a designer on Wattpad or fixing yours up on your own. I have a reading list with the artist that did my cover as well as another cover shop that is useful if you'd like.

I LOVE your title. It's unique, eye-catching and draws you in. Great job here. What I love about it is although it's abstract, I definitely see how it relates to the story.

Your blurb is good, but it took me a couple of tries to get through it. As always, I never recommend starting a blurb with a name. Although the name might be significant to you, it means nothing to us readers yet. And another reason I discourage this is that EVERY Wattpad book blurb seems to begin with a name. What can you do to make yours unique? Basically, keep your first paragraph, but change it up a bit to make it clearer and easier to read:

Working as a mercenary for the Sheer is bound to involve some sticky situations. What Dyasen didn't expect, however, was to end up with a childish and painfully persistent voice stuck inside his head- one who can hear his every thought and doesn't hesitate to speak on them.

Now, I think this entrance to your story is a little clearer and more developed, and it brings in the name at a less abrupt time. As for the rest of your blurb, you have some super good lines that just need to be refined to make an overall more appealing blurb. How about this (here's my full suggestion):

Working as a mercenary for the Sheer is bound to involve some sticky situations. What Dyasen didn't expect, however, was to end up with a childish and painfully persistent voice stuck inside his head- one who can hear his every thought and never shuts up about it.

But as it turns out, perhaps meeting the voice wasn't just bad luck. Maybe that voice is the gateway to unveiling a plot that has eaten away at the Empire for nearly six years.

With the help of a naïve but eager girl, a cold-hearted bodyguard and a reluctant assassin, Dyasen must trace clues towards the true threat, hoping to secure the safety of the Empire and its people.

But their differences will only get starker when they discover each other's lies.

After all, the world only gets darker when one is given eyes.

So, in addition to clearing up your sentences, I've taken out some things I thought were unnecessary and chunked up the writing. Of course, you can do whatever you want, so it's up to you to determine how to restyle your blurb. But I would restyle it- even just a little. 

Also, I'd like to mention how much I appreciate you stating there is no calculus in your book. It was a big dealbreaker. All joking aside, something like that in your blurb is a smart move. It shows us you have charm and you know how to make us laugh. I enjoyed it.

10/15

Logistics: (grammar, spelling & dialogue)

Your grammar is quite well-developed! I don't see any persistent issues with the way you write. However, you do sometimes write a sentence that I find hard to read or confusing- but I believe that simply a lack of repetitive editing and maybe experience? I can't recommend anything specific to help with this other than reading and writing as much as possible and going through and restructuring. I always tell writers to read their work out loud. If you can't read it nice and fast with no mistake the first time, your writing isn't clear enough.

I don't notice any spelling mistakes! I don't see any mistakes at all, actually, which leads me to believe you do, in fact, edit your chapters thoroughly to catch mistakes. However, remember to look at the entire chapter again and again, not just the red lines that a spellchecker finds.

So you have your dialogue tags down. Yay! I love reading a story that free of logistical errors. However, since I'm the pickiest person on Earth, I have two little issues I noticed that I'd like to point out. First: in your story, you have a lot of italics, because the voice speaks a lot and Dyasen thinks a lot. That's fine- I actually find it quite unique. The only problem is your inconsistency with the way your format dialogue around your italics. Let's look at an example I've pulled from your chapter 2:

"Alright, fine, I'm here," he repeated.

So this is Dyasen thinking to himself, right? But then, a few lines earlier, you have this sentence (also chapter 2):

I'm not here, Dyasen thought to himself.

Okay, do you see the problem? You've included quotations on one but not the other, although the two sentences don't appear to differentiate. The solution this? You just have to pick one! Both are okay, although usually, thoughts don't include quotations. Since your story is rather unique in that matter, I'd say it's okay to forgo this rule and do what you want. Just make sure you stay consistent. With that being said, I'd recommend not including the quotations. The reason is highlighted by this excerpt from your chapter 4:

"I'm asexual. And aromantic."

"How about now?"

"Ah, well do you have any close friends?"

"No."

Ysana's brow furrowed. "Surely there are people you hang out with."

"How about now?"

I'm back this is no longer your story. So referring to above, there's nothing wrong with this. But think about if you didn't include quotations. Might it be a little clearer what's happening? I think it would:

"I'm asexual. And aromantic."

How about now?

"Ah, well do you have any close friends?"

"No."

Ysana's brow furrowed. "Surely there are people you hang out with."

How about now?

This is usually the way stories are structured. But you can definitely do what you want in this manner. Just make sure you stay consistent.

As for the second issue, sometimes you use dashes incorrectly in dialogue. This might be a simple typo, but I thought I'd mention it either way. Here from your chapter 10:

"You-" she scanned Hexis' form, adorned in a very non-guest-like outfit- "want to talk with Lord Leneha?"

You used that dash wrong here because one is inside the quotation and one is outside. Here's the correction:

"You-" she scanned Hexis' form, adorned in a very non-guest-like outfit, "-want to talk with Lord Leneha?"

Or- and this is what I think- you could get rid of the dashes entirely:

"You," she scanned Hexis' form, adorned in a very non-guest-like outfit, "want to talk with Lord Leneha?"

The last is fine too, and it's a little clearer to me. Again, it's your choice.

13/15

Story Flow: (transitions & pacing)

Your transitions lack repetition and are very smooth. I don't find any problems with them!

Your pacing is, for the most part, pretty good. When I read chapters 10 & 11, I found the pacing to be excellent. I didn't get bored, but I didn't feel rushed. However, you don't do as well in the first few chapters, because I find the flow to be a bit slow and dragging. I understand that first chapters are often like this because they require an introduction to the storyline. I don't want to draw too much attention to this because it's not a big issue, but definitely keep it in mind if you decide to edit your beginning chapters sometime.

9/10

Description: (characters & scenes)

As for description, you do an okay job of describing characters. I find some of the descriptions to be a little bland, though. I have a solution that I often recommend: don't info-dump physical description and mix it with emotional description. What I mean by this is we don't want to hear eye colour, hair colour, face structure and height all without any interruptions. 

I use a rule that usually works quite well: for every two physical descriptions you give, give an emotional description. By emotional description, I mean something that describes the aspects of the character that aren't physical, like the way they speak or their posture. I've picked out some descriptions from my book to display what I mean (I swear I'm not advertising my book I just find my own writing easier to explain):

He was the type of man that made Archer want to cower; tall, strong figure draped in black cloth and dark hair almost completely hidden by the monster of a captain's hat perched on his head. He had a strong, bold, commanding voice that made Archer's muscles melt into useless hunks of protein.

So let's break this down. First, I give you my main character's (Archer) impression of this new character by telling you how he makes Archer want to cower. Then, I give you two physical descriptions of the new character: he's tall and strong, and he has dark hair. I follow this up by telling you he has a captain's hat and I give you an emotional description of his voice, relating it to how it makes Archer feel, and I top it all off with one of my super annoying and dramatic metaphors to give you some insight to the situation. There's a bit of dialogue after this description, and then I go on to mention that this new character has dark blue eyes and his breath smells of rum. Again, I've matched a physical description with an emotional one. I've also purposely split up the colour of the eyes from the colour of the hair, so there isn't as much colour dumped on you at once.

Now, this description doesn't always come easy the first time, and as you can tell there's a lot of method behind it. But I find this idea of description works well and flows very nicely. It also creates a beautifully vivid character that's well-rounded. You're welcome to use this two-one method if you want or develop one of your own that suits your story.

As for scene description, I love it! Since scenes are a little more straightforward in terms of description, you've got that down. Just remember to try and relate physical descriptions to how it makes whichever character's perspective you're in feel. Tell us how the endless expanse of grass makes your character feel helpless or something like that. Splitting up these descriptions by relating them to your character not only builds character but helps scene-building.

7/10

Originality: (plot & tone)

So your plot isn't overly unique in terms of fantasy- at least not yet. I have a feeling it develops into something that'll be set aside from all other Wattpad books. However, there are aspects to your plot that increase the originality of it, such as this super cool inside voice you've got going on. It's extremely hard to create a story that doesn't have overlaps into clichés or tropes, so it's not a big problem at all- I'd just like to point out that so far, your story doesn't strike me as super unique in terms of plot. Not a big deal, you have a redeeming factor that I mention next.

Your tone is super cool. Admittedly, I quite like your tone because it's a little similar to mine. We both gravitate towards this dramatic tone that keeps people interested. I notice this immediately because of the short sentences and new paragraphs for dramatic effect, as well as those interesting quotes you've embedded in the parts of your story.

But I find your tone a little underdeveloped in terms of perspective. You struggle with developing different tones for your characters. Indeed you are in third person, but you still switch perspectives, so you have to be careful about writing the same way. Your characters shouldn't think the same way. I usually recommend writing different perspectives on different days or at least writing them and taking a break between switching, just to develop a fresh tone.

Also, you can pick out aspects of your characters that help develop your tone. I'll explain this with my characters again. 

I rarely switch perspectives, but I still do switch occasionally. When I do, you'll see parts of my characters come out in the narration. So my main character is very dramatic and emotional. When someone speaks, my main character will think about how it makes him feel and what he should say next. My main character views the world in the same way that I narrative in his chapters: as a dangerous place that things can often go wrong in. He's paranoid and often thinking of the ways things could go wrong.

In contrast, I have another character that is extremely smart. She is always predicting words and situations. In her narration, I try to tell the reader what she thinks is going to happen, and I also have her noticing little details that other, less observant characters wouldn't notice.

So it's all about discovering your characters and developing your tone. Always be on the lookout for things you can add in to make your plot and tone as unique as possible.

6/10

Final Comments:

This is a story with a lot of potential. I'm very interested to see how it unfolds. If you want to make your story super polished, try to work on the things I've mentioned and incorporate them into your story. Overall, you have a good story on your hands and you are a great writer!

Final score:

45/60