Milk, Sugar & Cocoa written by ShikaDreamer108

i. COVER & TITLE

I'm back and I've had COFFEE (if you're new here, coffee reviews are much more fun but also much harder to follow). I'll do my best to be clear, but keep in mind my fingers are shaking as I type this at 110 WPM. Spelling errors will be present.

Excellent cover. I love it. However, you've got a big subtitle. We want subtitles to be snappy. Short. Attention-grabbing and easy to read. I'd recommend making a quick switch of your subtitle to this: Sometimes, broken people need each other to be fixed. This gives off the same vibe but is far more straightforward. And last thing, I always recommend authors to put an actual name on their covers, because the underscores and numbers don't look professional. Even just writing Shikadreamer would be better in my opinion than what you currently have. And another cool thing you could do: just write your name as Shika, in all caps at the top, without the 'by'. That's a snappy writing alias that I would appreciate immediately. Other than that, don't touch your cover. It's lovely.

I like your title. Milk? Sugar? What's going on? What does it mean? How does it connect to the story? I want to know. I want more. I wouldn't change a thing about it.

ii. BLURB

Your blurb begins with a cool lil paragraph that serves as a hook, but again, it's not quite at the level of snappiness it could be. I'll rewrite your blurb below, and you can tell me if you hate it:

A haunting past, a dark society, and broken people. The world is a cruel place.

After feeling an abusive life in her home country of Ghana, Jemimah is starting a new chapter with her father and his family in England. But the outside world is far harsher than she'd expected after being locked away for her whole life. She learns the stress of teenage life and the mental struggles that follow it, and she begins a path of self-discovery.

During her journey, Jemimah finds out that she's not alone. There are others fighting to move on from the past, too, and they all have to find out where they belong. 

But maybe it'll be easier together.

So I've shortened your blurb, cleaned up a few grammatical errors and organized it slightly. You'll notice I've added in the last sentence as a big finale. The ellipsis wouldn't really provide that same drama, and this ending also ties into your subtitle, which readers love. If you don't like this, I would recommend applying a few changes to your blurb--if only cleaning up the grammar slip-ups.

1 3 / 1 5

i. PUNCTUATION

#1: THE DASH

You use a hyphen in place of an em dash. Here's the quick rundown on which dashes should be used when.

The hyphen (-) is for hyphenated words only, such as long-term or father-in-law. The hyphen is just one press of the dash button.

The en dash (–) is the slightly larger dash that you're currently using. It is used only as formatting in chapter titles or things like that. It is not used in creative writing unless you're writing something science-based in dialogue. It is typed by typing a word, a space, a hyphen, then another space, then the next word. Programs like Word or Google Docs will then elongate it for you. Examples: The distillation went from 80 – 90 degrees.

The em dash (—) is the big kahuna of dashes and the one you should be using where you use the en dash. It is used to indicate interruption of dialogue, interruption of thoughts, or to add or clarify something in creative writing. It is typed by typing a word, NO SPACE, TWO hyphens, then NO SPACE, then the next word. Word or Google Docs will then elongate it for you. Be careful--Wattpad won't, hence why my dashes on here look like they do. But you should always be saving your story somewhere else, because otherwise, Wattpad may crash, you'll lose all your life's work, and then you'll become a villain.

#2: THE COMMA

DON'T RUN BECAUSE I SAID COMMAS. I promise, I can make commas less confusing. (If you're not scared of commas like I used to be, then ignore that.)

I have two comma rules to start you off with. They're going to seem like a lot, but I promise you, applying them will DRASTICALLY improve the flow of your story. I'd just like to mention that you currently use commas in a way that is much better than most Wattpad writers, but working out the problematic commas will take your story up a huge notch. 

To start, I just want to go over some definitions.

There are things called clauses. They are basically just parts of a sentence. A clause can be either of the following:

An independent clause is the part of a sentence that stands alone. Independent clauses contain a subject and verb. For example: 'I went to the store.'

A dependent clause is the part of a sentence that relies on the independent clause to make sense. Dependent clauses are often missing a subject or verb that is in the independent clause. For example: 'and bought bananas.'

RULE 1: When a dependent clause comes before an independent clause, a comma is used to separate them.

Example: With a lot of difficulties, I completed the hike.

Explanation: 'I completed the hike' is an independent sentence--it makes sense on its own. But 'with a lot of difficulties' doesn't really make sense on its own--it needs help from the independent clause to clarify what we are doing that we had difficulty with. We use a comma in this instance.

Example from your book (uncorrected): ...calling out to me, as I tried to think about the things I already had missed about home.

Example from your book (uncorrected): ...calling out to me as I tried to think about the things I already had missed about home.

RULE 2. When an independent clause comes before a dependent clause, NO comma is used.

Example: I completed the hike with a lot of difficulties.

Explanation: Again, these are the same clauses from before. When an independent clause comes before a dependent clause, there is no need to put a comma.

Example from your book (uncorrected): I rested my head against the glass, and thought about the busy roads back in Accra.

Example from your book (corrected): I rested my head against the glass and thought about the busy roads back in Accra.

So that's not all the comma hell I could give you, but that should be enough to fix the majority of your problems. I hope it wasn't too much.

#3: THE SEMICOLON

A semicolon is used to separate two independent yet still related clauses. Semicolons are often avoided by writers, which is silly. You aren't afraid of them, but you do misuse them slightly. Take a look at this:

'I wasn't sure what kind of animal he was supposed to be; with flobby ears and a short button nose, and four paws.'

The second clause there isn't independent. You could a) make it independent and keep the semicolon: (fixing up an extra conjunction here as well)

'I wasn't sure what kind of animal he was supposed to be; he had floppy ears, a short button nose, and four paws.'

Or, you could take it out and use the original with a comma or a dash. Either works.

ii. DIALGOUE

You have the occasional problem with your dialogue tags. Remember that a dialogue tag--if it explains the way something is said--should start with a lowercase. You currently capitalize a lot of subjects in your dialogue tags when you don't have to.

You also sometimes confuse a dialogue tag with an action tag, which is an easy fix that I do SO often. Just remember that action tags--although they can insinuate someone speaking--do not describe dialogue, and therefore don't need a comma at the end of the dialogue. Example from ur book:

"Kate, meet my daughter, Jermimah," Dad rested his hands on my shoulders.

The action that Dad does there isn't a dialogue tag, it's an action tag. So the dialogue should end with a period, not a comma. Another example:

"Yeah," Katie smiled.

Smiling is an action, not a dialogue tag, so again that comma should be a period.

iii. TYPOS

You do have the occasional typo, and it's hard to get rid of those. I find them in my book all the time and it drives me nearly insane. One time, a reader found one at the very climax and most important part of my story. I wanted to cry, because that typo took their attention off the part of the story that was so incredible. That's why typos are far worse than a lot of people will make them seem. I'd recommend using Grammarly to find the obvious ones and then using the text-to-speech option to find the rest while editing.

0 9 / 1 5

i. PACING

I don't have any problem with your pacing! The flashbacks give us some action to hold onto, and the rest of the story's plot moves at a pretty brisk pace that doesn't drag. I like the slow introductions and creation of Suzanne's character, as well as Katie's. We get a good feeling for who these characters are and who they're going to become, which is pretty great in terms of pacing. 

ii. TRANSITIONS

I'm not a huge fan of the way your transition from your flashbacks to the current day. You often have a time skip and then a 'CURRENT DAY' disclaimer. That really isn't needed--because hopefully, your writers are smart enough to catch on to that. Flashbacks are best used when they're interrupted like yours was in the first chapter. If you want them to be together, consider taking out the 'current day' disclaimer, because it just feels very obvious.

Other than that, I noticed that each one of your chapter endings were placed at a good time to the story, and your sentence structure flowed pretty well.

0 8 / 1 0

i. CHARACTERS

I found your characters very deep and relatable. Jemimah is a little quiet but quite obviously kind, and people don't always treat her in the way she should be--as if she hasn't been through enough. We learn to like her as a reader because no matter how many abrupt, rude comments Katie throws her way, she refuses to stoop to a level of petty. We like her for that, and we want to root for her.

But as vivid as Jemimah is, the rest of your characters are a little lacking. The descriptions of them can sometimes come off like a list and a little forced. Try to think of unique ways to describe characters. Do they fidget in certain circumstances? Do they fiddle with their hair when they feel out of place? Do they appear as though they've walked right from a catalogue? Does Katie have a habit of raising an eyebrow when she doesn't like something that's been said? Does Suzanne's laugh end with a snort? It's always worth adding this kind of stuff.

You mentioned that this was something you wanted focus on, so I'll break down a description you have of Suzanne below, and show you what I mean. Here's what you wrote:

'In the airport, a tall, brunette woman with bright blue eyes and deep red lipstick was waiting for us, and Dad waved at her to catch her attention. As we approached her, I realized her thick, long, wrap-around coat and black heels made her appear much taller than she probably was, and I watched as she flung her arms around Dad, as I admired the fancy clothing that she wore.'

The last part of this description is a big messy and a bit of a run-on, but the rest is pretty clean. This is a typical, nice description. Now, let's bedazzle it:

'There was a tall brunette across the hall, blue eyes bright in contrast to deep red lips. Dad waved at her to catch her attention, and a smile broke her concentrated gaze. As we approached her, I realized that her intimidating height wasn't as real as I'd initially thought--her heels were giving her a few extra inches. I stayed quiet as she flung her arms around Dad, glancing at the fancy clothing she wore.'

This description offers a bit more about Suzanne. We know she's excited to see Dad, and we also realize her height is a bit of an illusion--which tells us something about her, as well as the was Jemimah views her. I've also tried to take away the extra description of the coat and replace it with something different, because I thought the fancy clothing part covered that. It might seem like this description isn't all that different, but it's a couple changes that make a character more vivid.

ii. SCENES

I think your scenes come off a bit info-dumping-ish. I sometimes find some of your information a little unnecssary (I have been writing for ten years and still don't know how to spell that word) because they don't flow as well as they could. Try to only describe what you believe is absolutely essential, and try to do it as other observations and dialogue goes on, giving the illusion that it's intertwined with the story.

0 7 / 1 0

i. PLOT

I'm pretty used to fantasy plots, which have their own ways of being unique--simply because they have more room to work with. But as contemporary plots go, I find yours quite unique. There's a bit of teen angst to it, making it relatable, but there's also a few currents of something much deeper. There are some fun, vivid characters right off the bat, and from the blurb, i get the sense we'll meet more. I like the flashbacks, and I like how Jemimah refuses to see herself as a victim--she's strong, and readers love her for that. I'm very interested to know how she turns out and what kind of lessons she learns along the way. 

ii. TONE

Because you're in first person, you have a lot to work with in terms of tone. I see Jemimah already comparing her old life to her new one, and the use of some literary devices and humour. That being said, there's always work to be done. Jemimah could make more observations, more connections and come to more conclusions about people and who they are--I think it would establish her as a detail-oriented, complex character even more than she already is. 

The only big problem with your tone is the flow of it is disturbed by the comma errors. Again, some readers might not notice them. But readers such as myself will get a grey hair every time we see them. It's worth fixing, I promise.

0 9 / 1 0

I'm really intrigued by the complexity of this character and her past. I'm interested in how she'll deal with conflicts in her new life and how they'll compare to her old life. I like the home-y, comfortable environment her father provides in contrast with Katie's annoyingness. The biggest areas to clean up are the logistical section and a bit on the descriptive side, but overall, I'm grateful that I got to review this story!

4 6 / 6 0