More Than One Mask written by Gorseclaw99

i. COVER & TITLE

Do I like the picture in your cover? Yes. But I don't like much else. The font is hard to read and sized a little weird, and I can't find the author's name anywhere. I'd recommend sending the picture you have to a graphic designer and seeing what they can do to make this look more professional. I have a bunch in my graphic resources reading list.

I like your title. I don't entirely know what it means yet, but it's interesting and definitely unique, which is all you really need.

ii. BLURB

So, a couple things. For one, don't put that warning right at the beginning, put it at the end. Start your blurb off not with 'featured this many times' or 'shortlisted here and there'. To be frank, I could care less what you've been awarded or what your warnings are before I have any clue what your books is about.

Your blurb is a little too short for my taste—not because I just don't like the length, but because I feel like I don't have enough information. You start off with a name, which is again something I don't like. Then your blurb doesn't really make much sense because who in the world is Cherry. Here's my rewrite of your hook:

She's had a hard life, and the death of her friend and mentor hasn't made it any better.

I can't rewrite the rest of your blurb since I don't know the full story, but I recommend you go in there, clean up the confusion surrounding this Cherry and then add in more info on the story overall. Where is Jessica going, who exactly is she training, who is she going to meet? Some things to consider.

1 0 / 1 5

i. PUNCTUATION

#1: SEMICOLONS

Semicolons separate independent clauses, which mean in theory, a period and a semicolon are interchangeable in terms of comprehension. However, semicolons are used to link these two separate clauses because although they are independent, they're still related closely to each other. Look at this example from your writing:

"It's almost midnight, why are you even awake?"

This is a perfect place to use a semicolon, and by not using one, you're creating a comma splice, which is baaad. Look at this:

"It's almost midnight. Why are you even awake?"

That's perfectly grammatically correct, right? So you can't use a comma there. But obviously these two sentences are pretty related, and I understand why you wanted to use them together. Enter, the semicolon:

"It's almost midnight; why are you even awake?"

#2: DASHES

Three types of dashes. One, the hyphen (-). The hyphen is for hyphenated words, shockingly. Words like five-foot-ten or mother-in-law.

Two, the en dash (–). The en dash is just sort of there. It's not used in creative writing unless it's some sort of range, like 80 – 90 degrees, which you probably wouldn't come across if you're writing your story professionally.

Three, the em dash (—). The em dash is longer than the others and really awesome, because we use it a lot in creative writing. We use it in most places where you're using the hyphen—that is, to cut off narration, dialogue, or insert clarification.

#3: COMMAS

You're pretty good with commas, but you do have some conjunction problems. Remember: If a conjunction is connecting two independent clauses, then comma before conjunction. If even one of the clauses are dependent, then no comma. Here's the example:

"I never actually tested it so I had no clue how creepy it'd make you sound."

Split those up and take out the conjunction: I never actually tested it. I had no clue how creepy it'd make you sound. See how both sentences stand alone and make sense? That means they're independent, and you need a comma before the conjunction 'so' for it to be correct.

ii. FORMATTING

You've got a weird little formatting problem that a lot of people seem to have. In Wattpad, we are forced to write in block format, which means we do not use indents whatsoever. You do have two options when writing your manuscript anywhere else: indent format, which is what the majority of published books use, and block format, which is again what Wattpad forces. The rule is you either have an indent, or a space between paragraphs, not both. Here's a random screenshot of my prologue in indent format, the way I write the manuscript off Wattpad:

And here's what it looks like in block format, while it's on Wattpad:

So, it's one or the other, not both. 

iii. DIALOGUE

You struggle with the common problem of dialogue tags vs action tags. Recall that an action tag does indicate who is speaking, but it does not describe how the words are said, which means its punctuation follows that of any normal sentence, and not a dialogue tag. Here is an instance where you mistook a n action tag for a dialogue tag:

"I know that's not true, so at least stop telling me lies," she sighed.

So that comma that ends the dialogue should be a period, since 'she sighed' does not describe the way the dialogue is said, and therefore is not a dialogue tag. It follows normal punctuation rules.

12 / 1 5

i. PACING

You have a timeskip in your first chapter, which is not great in my opinion. Timeskips in your first few chapters show you that your story is already skipping things. I don't like that; it's bad for flow. Not to mention that you don't even need it where you have it. You could just get rid of it and the story would still make perfect sense.

As for your pacing, I think it's fine. It's a little dragging in the first chapter, in my opinion, but it picks back up pretty quickly which makes me happy.

ii. TRANSITIONS

The focus rule! is important! to know! Every time you have writing shift from the dialogue or thought of one character to the dialogue or thought of another, you need a new paragraph. For example:

"Do you still have that dark basement?" I asked.

"Yeah, why?" I grinned under my mask.

"You'll see."

So here, you're confusing me because although that second line of dialogue is not the main character talking, you've included her action in there, which makes that an action tag—and therefore means that she both asked the question, answered it, and then answered it again. She's just talking to yourself. Using the focus rule:

"Do you still have that dark basement?" I asked.

"Yeah, why?"

I grinned under my mask. "You'll see."

There. All better. Easy fixes. I like the rest of your transitions.

0 8 / 1 0

i. CHARACTERS

I really like your main character—super unique, and I like the internal thoughts that give her character. However, they are the only characterized character. The little sister and Ray, whom we both meet in the first chapter, are very two-dimensional. We don't get any description of either of them nor do we really know who they are or what they mean to our MC. I think you need more descriptions and personality to your peripheral characters to make them feel more real.

ii. SCENES

Like your characters, you don't have much of this either. I get that you're focused on the plot and getting it to where you want it to be, but that's taxing the ease of reading. I want to know where we are, what it looks like—not too much, but just enough to keep out the confusion. You say, "The abandoned warehouse that doubled as Ray's lab" but we don't get anything more. Is it messy in there? Telling us a detail like that not only gives us insight as to where we are, but it also tells us a bit about Ray and how he keeps his lab.

0 6 / 1 0

i. PLOT

I feel a little confused. I don't really know where we are, why these people have wings, and why they're wearing masks. I think these things could be touched on in the blurb, but they also need to be explained, sooner rather than later. Keeping the mystery alive is one thing, but confusing me so I have no stability is another. We're meeting all these characters, but we still have very little info on where the heck we are. I think it's worth delving into a bit more in the opening chapters. With that being said, whatever you're doing is surely unique.

ii. TONE

Yay tone, love your tone. But you have a tense problem, which is awful and horrible and needs to be fixed right now.

Basically, you write almost entirely in past tense (verbs that end with -ed, usually) but sometimes your narration jumps into present tense (verbs that end with -s, usually) which can be really scary for your readers. It jars them, forces them into different timelines. You're fine to switch tenses between chapters, but never, and I mean never switch them during your writing. It's a really good way to make readers hate your story even though it's awesome. Here's an example:

"I know." I sighed. I've never been very good at getting blood out of things.

So 'sighed' is past tense, but then 'I have' is present tense. Scary. Here's the fix, using 'I'd' or 'I had'

"I know." I sighed. I'd never been very good at getting blood out of things.

0 7 / 1 0

I definitely like the MC, and I like the journey so far. I like the premise of the plot, but I'd like to know more sooner to escape confusion. Your logistics are excellent, with a few places to clean up, but overall, great story!

4 3 / 6 0