Title: Moonlight Oaths

Author: laylagriffin_

First Impressions

Note: This is done before I read the story

Title: Moonlight Oaths is a pretty title I would say. Nothing much to say here.

Cover: The cover kinda blindsided me a bit. I really expected something blue because your title evokes blue and silver to me. But no, it's red. Which I think is an interesting choice for something titled "Moonlight". It's fun and cool to not take the obvious route.

So first impressions already, I get a bloody feel from it because of the dark red? It plus the people wearing armor in the cover makes me think there is a war and they're fighting in it. So it makes me think that it's a dark Asian-inspired story, kind of like the work The Poppy War by R.F. Kuang. If that's the vibes you want to convey then kudos! If not, well, my opinion is my opinion. Try to ask other people who have not read your blurb as to what vibes they get from this cover and maybe you'll see what's the majority opinion?

A note though, the people do feel obviously photoshopped for me. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe there's something about how they're cropped? Their positions on the cover also feel a bit aimless for me. Are they allies or enemies? Lovers or counterparts? Their positions don't hint at what their relationship could be. I think that can be fixed by either making them face each other, or making them back-to-back away from each other, etc.

UPDATE: I saw the new cover, but I'll keep my critique to the cover it had when I first wrote this just in case you still want to hear my thoughts on it.

The new cover's more gold color definitely adds a sense of opulence to it. It adds a lot more fantasy vibes compared to the red which made it feel like it has a war-esque storyline. The people on the cover also blend in more in the cover than the last one, and this time I feel like I can determine some relationship from them? Mainly, in my opinion, they look like they're ready to fight back to back.

Blurb: I like the starting quote. It matches the cover-it feels tragic and melancholic. It also feels like it foreshadows something within the story. I also just like the structure of it, with the 'deep' love contrasting the 'shallow' fate.

The one-liner summary of your work is fine. It tells us what the main character is, what happens to the main character, and what the reader should expect from this work (wuxia/xianxia with a romance subgenre).

As for the extended blurb, I think it's good! It tells us the protagonist (Nian Zhen) and who he is in this world (a mortal prince). We also get a grasp of what we should expect from this character and their story. He's a prince who has not had a significant bond until she got adopted by this woman who saved him from his banishment. He's someone who wants to throw away his old life and wants a second chance.

There is the question though of why does he want a second chance? And also, what was his life before? I feel like expanding a bit on those details can help emphasize the theme of second chances and new beginnings which I can pick up from this blurb. Just from the first paragraph, I'm coming into this story expecting a sort of "healing" journey. A journey where one makes up for the mistakes of the past and tries to start a new life, finding new bonds, and being happy after being unhappy for so long.

The second paragraph is also good because it introduces the conflict-his new life is disrupted by something and he has to overcome it. The second paragraph hints at a love interest, but it's a bit confusing to me? Because... I don't know if the dreams here are literal dreams, or metaphorical? By that, I'm not sure if she's someone from his past haunting him, or is she literally walking in his dreams? Because this is a fantasy, and I don't know yet if your world has powers like that. The line after that is fine though. It hints at a hidden power and gives a character conflict: will he succumb to greed or best it?

General Thoughts

First of all, I love your writing style. Your descriptions are truly beautiful and vivid, making it easy to envision the scenes you want us to envision. There are definitely parts though where the phrases got clunky or stilted or have typos which show how it's not that edited. I point some of them below, but not all.

The flow of the plot is also pretty fine and I like that the end of every chapter is like a mini cliffhanger of some sort. It gives the reader a hook to continue. Other than that though, there are times when I felt like you were moving through scenes quickly? For example in chapter 5, the whole mirror scene felt like it went by too fast, not giving the reader time to process the emotions that Nian Zhen's supposed to be feeling at that moment. There's multiple scenes where I just really wanted to let Nian Zhen pause a bit and immerse myself more into his emotions. To be fair, I do have preference for character-driven stories therefore I like character introspection. I guess that's why one of my favorite parts is the beginning of Chapter 6, where he thinks about his life before and how nothing about it mattered now in the present.

Speaking of characters, I do like Nian Zhen. The idea of someone from high up falling down to the lowest point of their life is common yet something I still enjoy seeing. I do think however, that there should be a more firm foundation for his character. Mainly, I want more of his life before he gets banished? At the very least, I want to generally know what his goal in life was back then, why it was his goal, and who are the people he's close to, if there's any. Like, what are his mortal attachments? What made his life before the banishment is important because you can use that contrast to fully explore Nian Zhen's emotions. What are the things he lost when he fell into Spring Valley? What are the things he gained in Spring Valley? Those will determine why he ends up preferring Spring Valley and treating it as his home. It's like a comparison game of sorts, I guess.

Hua and Teacher Hao are also characters that are interesting. I can't wait to learn more about them, especially Hua since it seems she's about to tell us her story. I also can't wait to read more of Nian Zhen interacting with them and him finding a weird found family in this whole mess. I just think it's sweet. I do wish they get more screentime... but since it's only been eight chapters I understand why they're not fleshed out yet.

Other than that, I also like your worldbuilding. You'll see in the prologue breakdown below I had a bit of confusion, but I like the fact that you slowly open the world to us rather than throwing it all there. We get to learn as Nian Zhen learns and I think that's an effective way of giving exposition. It's pretty standard xianxia/wuxia, but I can see your own twists to it.

Breakdown

Prologue

I don't have much to say about the prologue. It's clearly a story that happened before the story mentioned in the blurb. It's about the dying realm mentioned in the blurb. I think it's a good place to start because you established the fact that this is going to have a significance on your future chapters through the last two lines. It's definitely a bold choice to reveal the destination and just hope that the readers trust you to bring them on a good journey. I do like that while concrete enough, you still left enough stuff to be vague about such as how he restored it, or what is the cost. The lingering questions help entice the reader to continue forward and experience the journey despite already knowing the destination.

It's a fairly solid prologue. I only have a few problems with it.

First the way you use the word realm to describe the place. While I understand that you probably mean land here and realm is more appropriately "xianxia-ish" than any other synonym, it did make me confused. This is the first step we have into your world, and the first knowledge we get is that there are realms. Then after going through the Glossary, I was thinking of realms, as in the Three Realms. So I was like, did you make a fourth realm or something? Is this a different realm from Heaven, Mortal and Demonic? I was so confused in the beginning. During this chapter, I just assumed it's a realm (aka land) within one of the Three Realms (most likely the Mortal Realm). If it's like a whole separate plane though, I would probably want that to be clearer I guess? [wrote all of this before i read the later chapters... i understand you worldbuilt later but i'll keep this just in case it helps you.]

Next is some very specific stuff:

Second paragraph, first line: Probably should be "wide trunks", not "wide trucks" because the latter doesn't make sense in this sentence.

"Until one day when it wasn't" is a good dramatic line. But personal preference here, I feel like modifying it to "Until one day, it wasn't" is a possible choice? It's a cliche line, true, but the comma adds that dramatic pause moment before a revelation.

"Soon, as the girl's cries grew louder and finally stilled..." using the word 'and' here is a bit weird? It's like two opposite things yet they're happening at the same time? The progression of events feels a little vague. A way to possibly reword this would be something like:

"The girl's cries grew louder. When it finally stilled, the earth beneath their feet split." - with this structure, there's a progression of events. The girl cried → her cries stilled → the earth split.

The "Soon nature had to die..." paragraph:

Possible edit (I just added commas): "Soon, nature had to die. And with it, all creatures inhabiting the land."

The phrase "...guilty judged people" feels so weird? It feels clunky. Like, these words in this order do not belong together. Also, guilty of what exactly?

So, it could be reworded as: "...began to be used as a trash dump for those who are evil or judged guilty of crime." or "...began to be used as a trash dump for those who are evil and those who are guilty of crime." but then this edit also feels weird, because it feels weird to make a cursed realm seem like a normal prison. If you wanna emphasize the horribleness of it, put a little more exaggeration, I guess? Like "...began to be used as a trash dump for those who are guilty of truly heinous crimes." or "...those who are the vilest of the vile." or something along those lines.

If it doesn't fit your worldbuilding though, it's fine to ignore this. Just fix the "guilty judged people" phrase because that is clunky.

Other than those phrases, I do like your writing style. It has a certain... drama to it, which truly fits the whole storyteller-esque prologue. But yea, I have nothing much to say other than I appreciate the worldbuilding in this chapter.

Chapter 1

I love the initial descriptions, it adds so much to setting the scene of the first chapter. A beautiful, peaceful place about to get disrupted. I especially love how you described the court drama in the palace. There's some phrases I especially enjoy. First, the coiled snake metaphor and the "One did not reach the sky by being kind" because, accurate.

Also, okay, I loved how you went to "Sixth prince" rather than "Your Highness" because yes, that immediately reminds me of the stories I read set in Ancient China. And as someone Asian, hierarchies are really important. You establish this by letting the readers know the number (aka the order) is important.

There's also some establishment for Nian Zhen's character and his position in this world. He's not the favored son, merely a son of a thrown away concubine. He has no backing to secure a position and don't even speak about aiming for the throne, he's sixth in line AND backer-less, what can he do? He doesn't seem to have any ambitions though as he doesn't seem to have done anything significant. In fact he seems like he's a bit inactive, therefore earning the scoldings and worry of the older eunuchs and palace guards. Nian Zhen, at this first impression for me, is a bit lackadaisical. He doesn't seem to care much about palace ongoings, but he's not ignorant. He just doesn't seem to want to bother with it. At least, that's my impression.

The ending however, makes one think. Treason? How, what, why? Is he being framed or set up by, I don't know, one of the concubines or one of his siblings? Or did he genuinely do something that warrants that suspicion? I like that you start immediately at the starting point of the blurb: the banishment. Though, in my opinion, I think this chapter can just end at the banishment and not the arrest. I'll expand on that in the next chapter.

Chapter 2

The main things I gathered from this chapter was that: a. One of the mysteries we have is who framed him for treason and b. This chapter can totally be put together with the first chapter.

Okay, listen. Chapter 2 in terms of topic is fairly same to chapter 1. The reader already knows from the blurb that he would get banished so putting the banishment for chapter two and making the chapter 1 cliffhanger about "ohh what's gonna happen to him" is kinda useless? We already know he would get banished. It's better to go directly to the point and emphasize the mystery of the why of the banishment. The banishment is not the exciting hook, the mystery of why he was banished is the hook for me. And I feel like chapter 2 shows that clearer than chapter 1, hence why I would think to just put the two chapters together as they do feel like just chapter 1.1 and chapter 1.2 of his story. But I do understand the merit of making them separate chapters so this is just an option.

As for other stuff... in terms of characterization, I do wish we lingered a bit more on Nian Zhen's situation in the cell. I feel like a cell is one of the places that's best for character introspection, because you're stuck alone, just thinking. I wish we got more thoughts about his relationships with other people outside (who never visited him) and his thoughts towards his father (we only got the tidbit that he believes himself to be a beloved heir in his father's eyes). Why do I want this information? Because in my opinion, emphasizing the emotional element here helps in powering Nian Zhen's motivation. I read someone in the comments saying they want him to take revenge and yes, I want that too-I just wish that I can feel Nian Zhen's desire for it too. I want to see him go to denial, acceptance and anger or despair, depending on how he is as a character. I want to know how he feels about the situation other than just passively accepting the results that happened to him.

On a note this chapter does answer my question in the prologue about realms. They're different planes and you need gates to enter them, which is interesting. I like the worldbuilding there.

Chapter 3

I like the beginning part where we get more introspection from Nian Zhen about his possible death. I just wish there's a bit more detail about who the people he had loved are and who the people he had lost over time are...besides his mother. I want to have a more concrete foundation on Nian Zhen's life before the banishment, so we as the reader can truly feel how much of a big change this is to his life.

Other than that, nothing much to say in this chapter. The descriptions are as beautiful as ever and help me visualize the situation Nian Zhen is in. I did spot a part where you went "As yet, somehow he wasn't dead." and I think you meant "And yet, somehow he wasn't dead." Also that line I feel like would be a good one-liner? Something like:

The ground disappeared from below him. The heat became unbearable, almost like the whole sky was an oven that wanted to burn his skin. He fell and fell. Until he hit the hard ground.

And yet somehow, he wasn't dead.

That's just my opinion though haha.

Chapter 4

First some lines:

"Unwillingly he closed his eyes again." → "Unwillingly, he closed his eyes again."

"Yes, an Empress aura." → "Yes, an Empress' aura." or "Yes, an Empress's aura."

"She didn't speak anything. → "She didn't say anything."

"Her eyes shinned too much..." → "Her eyes shined too much..."

Okay, as for this chapter, some worldbuilding! We get an insight in regards to the fantastical elements of the world. Many people believed in demons and deities. The voodoo dolls though... are a bit weird, because voodoo is a western practice as far as I know of and so the term is a bit odd to use here. There's also a whole thing about Voodoo as a religion and cultural appropriation. I'm not fully educated on the topic, but I would say just to be sure, perhaps you could just say "curses" as a more general but still similar idea.

Other than that, I also like how you set up cultivators here and their existence. I'm curious though-do immortal cultivators here interact with the mortal population or nah? Because in some that I've read, they have sects that allow mortal children to enter to see if they have talent and qualify to be a disciple and such. Or where cultivators are well-respected even within the populace. There's also stories where the imperial palace has cultivators, with the emperor also usually being a cultivator. I assume that so far it feels like cultivators here are distant from the mortals because of Nian Zhen's internal thoughts about them. He's heard about them, but has never seen one or interacted with one despite being a prince.

Anyway, I like the idea that Nian Zhen is literally an atheist in this fantastical world. I just think it's hilarious and has potential for interesting interactions.

Chapter 5

Some lines:

"He raised on instinct his hand grabbing hers..." → "On instinct, he raised his hand to grab hers..."

"Sleep, my child. Sleep" → "Sleep, my child. Sleep."

Firstly, I was kinda sad we didn't get more denial from Nian Zhen, especially after the mention that he didn't believe in demons and curses and witchcraft in the last chapter. I feel like that would be a bit fun. And also I wish there was a bit more reaction towards her being a demon. Mainly, worldbuilding on how people perceive demons? How negative is the perception? Are there folktales that Nian Zhen can remember at the top of his head about demons? Just something like that. I feel like the reveal, for being a cliffhanger last chapter, was kinda glossed upon here.

Related to that, I feel like the pacing was so quick this chapter. I'm not sure if that's on purpose or not. It feels like we went from the demon reveal to suddenly there's two guys and then suddenly he's judged in front of a mirror and then suddenly the mirror shattered, etc. There wasn't a time to rest, for the reader and for Nian Zhen. Also, Nian Zhen feels like he's teetering on being a passive protagonist especially after this chapter, because it's been 5 chapters and we're still unsure of what he wants. Is he fine staying here, or does he want to leave and go back? He's just getting dragged along by many people and it's hard to determine what he personally wants, which makes it hard to root for him as a main character. I do like though that we get a glimpse of his insecurities in this chapter, giving us an insight of what's underneath Nian Zhen.

Other than that, we get another mystery! What was the mirror for, who was the voice in the mirror, what blessing did Nian Zhen receive? I like leaving the chapter off with those questions and I also like the chapter ending with him finding comfort in the demon lady, hinting at what type of bond they're going to have in the story.

Chapter 6

The beginning of chapter 6 is one of my favorite parts so far. I just love the character's introspection and getting more of an insight about Nian Zhen. It also finally lets us know what kind of direction his feelings have been going ever since he got banished. How for him, nothing from his life mattered anymore...but that doesn't make him despair but rather look forward to a new life here in the cursed realm.

Other than that, I like the atmosphere of this new chapter. It's very peaceful and relaxing, definitely a refreshing feeling compared to the last chapter. It honestly reminds me of a slice of life story, which I guess fits the second chance at life narrative going on.

We also get some worldbuilding! We finally get introduced to the Three Realms and how realms in general operate. I'm interested in the concept that whenever an immortal cultivator ascends to godhood, a realm is created. It makes me wonder whether the type of cultivator can affect the type of realm?

My only problem with this chapter is the ending is a bit abrupt. It doesn't feel as neat of an ending to the chapter compared to the other chapter cliffhangers. It makes me feel like you can attach this to the start of the next chapter because both are still about the lecture and the creation of Spring Valley.

Chapter 7

Yeah, I definitely felt like the first half of this chapter can be attached to the end of last chapter, so we could end at the point where Nian Zhen's resolve to live and move on from his previous life is strengthened, which feels better as an end point. And then, the next chapter would start with him settling down in the village and how he found a new goal: becoming an immortal. Because I would say my main problem with this chapter is we're told he has a new goal, but we never got to see what made him make that his goal.

Other than that, not much to say for this chapter. It's just a continuation of the worldbuilding from the last chapter and basically retells what happened in the prologue. We also got introduced to Hua Jie, and at first I thought it was 'jie' as in, 'jiejie' aka big sister in Chinese but no, it is her name and you're sticking to english for the honorifics-which is a good choice because it doesn't alienate those who don't typically read in this genre and therefore don't know the honorifics. Anyway Hua Jie seems like a pretty fun character and she contrasts Nian Zhen's currently somewhat melancholic character. I can't wait to see more of their dynamic, especially now that she basically adopted him lmao.

Chapter 8

We finally start on Nian Zhen's cultivation journey! Again, I wish you took this chance to elaborate on why Nian Zhen wants to be an immortal cultivator. Does he have something to prove? Does he have something he can only reach by being a cultivator? Or does he want that power? Give me something here.

I do like that there are some lingering feelings within Nian Zhen. He is trying to move on but even if he thinks of moving on, he can't stop his emotions from still feeling hurt and abandoned especially since it looked like Nian Zhen actually genuinely thought he mattered in his father's eyes.

Other than that, nothing much to say again. Hua is gonna share her story and I'm very much curious as to what happened to her to get this punishment of banishment. How was her murder of her husband equivalent to Nian Zhen's supposed treason? I actually can't wait for the next chapter just so I can have that question answered haha.

Summary

All in all, I enjoyed reading your work! Your writing style is pretty and I love how vividly you describe the environment. The ideas are all there, I just feel like some of the execution is lacking. Mainly in the characterization of Nian Zhen. The ingredients for his character are all there, you just need to let it cook. Take your time through the plot, don't rush through them. Remember that Nian Zhen, as a character, has to react to the world around him and the world around him has to react to him. Let him simmer in his thoughts and emphasize his emotions. Show his goal rather than telling it to the reader.

Either way, I can't wait to read more of Nian Zhen and his journey to become a cultivator. I'm gonna wait for Chapter 9, definitely.