Title: Map Of My Heart

Author: @DisneyTsumTsum2

Genre: Teen Fiction

Chapters Read: 0-2

Title & Cover

Great title! It's simple but unique enough to catch attention, and hints at the romance that will be involved in the story, so you can attract the right audience.

The cover is nothing amazing, but it does the job perfectly well. The picture on the front is again simple but effective, and makes for a nice cover. It probably fits the teen fiction genre quite well, since I've noticed the books tend to have quite simple covers. The only thing I'd point out is the white text at the bottom - as a black or navy blue, it would be more visible, I think, and feel smoother. But overall, no real issues there!

Summary

It has everything it needs. You introduce our two main characters, the premise of the story, and the conflict we might come across easily. Both characters have reasons to not want to get into a relationship, which is always great in a romance story, since you can see them overcome that and develop as the story goes on.

However, there are just a few minor things I want to point out. Firstly, the 'even more' in the second paragraph - I'd remove it, since you didn't say previously that she'd already been retreating behind her camera. And there's the next sentence, which just doesn't read right to me. The punctuation isn't quite right, and it seems a little muddled. Here's a suggestion of what I think would flow better:

So when she is offered the opportunity to go to Europe for a week, of course she agrees - a photoblog of Europe could make or break her career.

Also, instead of using the ellipsis in the final sentence of the paragraph, I'd use a period - it would have the same effect. A short sentence is always great to draw attention.

Apart from that, it reads quite smoothly, and there's a great hook at the end of the last paragraph. It certainly looks interesting!

Hook

I like the introduction of Aileen trying to tease the secret out of Chase - it creates intrigue, and also showcases their relationship right away. The addition of humour gives it that great edge that makes me want to keep reading to stick with these characters.

One thing I would suggest, though - I don't think the first paragraph is a great way to start the story. Firstly, 'I was sitting' makes it seem as if she's telling a story, but only a few paragraphs later it lapses into ordinary past tense, so I'd just begin it with that rather than the 'was' and 'had'. But my main problem is that you start off the chapter with a description of Chase. It's not particularly hooking, unfortunately.

My advice would be to skip the description at first and start with your dialogue, since that's the action going on. So the first line would be: "Chase. Just spit it out." Then you could go on to say that he has the blanket over his lap, and weave that imagery in amongst your dialogue and action. That would make it hooking right from the get-go.

Also, just to add to the tension, perhaps you could have Chase be more evasive? Don't drag it on too long, but at the same time don't let him give way immediately. That would make the reader more curious about what's wrong, and hold their attention for just a little longer. But otherwise, it's a good way to start the book!

Characters

Aileen is an excellent character. I love her sarcasm and wit, and she has such strong emotions, which makes for very humorous dialogue. Her interactions with both Chase and Liam - the only characters I've seen her interact with so far - are very well written and often hilarious. Especially her and Liam. They have an amazing dynamic.

As much as I like her this way, it does mention in the summary that she's recently heartbroken. From the way she acts, that doesn't really come across. Apart from a brief mention in the prologue chapter, it isn't referenced at all within the chapters I read, which doesn't feel right - you'd think her thoughts would drift to her heartbreak or it would affect her emotions in some way. She comes across a lot more confident than the summary inferred she would be.

I haven't seen a Liam PoV chapter yet, but he also seems like a sarcastic character. He and Chase clearly have a strong bond and from the way Liam talks, I think this trip was quite important and exciting for the two of them. Or maybe he keeps mentioning Chase to attempt to stop crushing on Aileen, if I refer back to the summary. It's interesting, and I'm intrigued to see how their relationship will play out.

Writing Style

You have quite a chatty and informal style, which works well for your genre and character. It's the sort of book I'd kick back and read after a stressful day to unwind and cheer myself up. Which for me are the best kind of teen fiction/romance stories :D

Though I guess sometimes it can get a little too chatty. For one, it's very dialogue-heavy, and while your dialogue is excellent and very funny it does need to be interspersed with at least a little action and description. As a one-off, a back and forth conversation between two characters can be funny and effective, but in your book it seems to happen just a little too often for my liking. It's probably more realistic this way - I do understand that - but for a book you do need a variety. Part of that can come from extending brief descriptions like 'I showed him some of my blog pages' (chapter 1).

You can also add a little of Aileen's thoughts. Not too many, but a few - for example, maybe she stares out of the plane window and watches the clouds (cue short description of the clouds) and maybe thinks about how this trip isn't so bad, or her thoughts briefly drift to her previous boyfriend before she hurriedly pulls them back again. It's moments like this that add just that extra immersion in the story, and stop the dialogue from dominating so much. You can also add action tags to dialogue to stop the constant back and forths.

If you can fix those things, I think your style will be even more pleasing and enjoyable to read.

Moving onto grammar, I didn't spot many obvious mistakes. There are only a few small things I want to pick up on. Firstly, I noticed a couple of times a mistake involving action tags:

"Here," he dropped it on my lap.

The comma here should be a period, since 'he dropped' is not a dialogue tag. Commas should only be used when dialogue is followed by things such as 'he said' or 'he muttered' - in that case, it should never be a period. Also, be aware that when dialogue is followed by an action tag, it needs to be an action of the person speaking - there was at least one instance where Liam was talking but it was followed by Aileen's thoughts, which makes it unclear who is speaking.

I'd also advise not to use brackets, at least not very often. This is more of a personal thing, but I feel it makes the writing feel less polished if you use brackets. Almost all of the time, it's easy enough to slide the contents of the brackets into the rest of the story, or use hyphens or commas to separate it from the sentence instead.

And finally - though I'm being more nitpicky here - perhaps don't use ellipsis quite so much? It's a tricky piece of punctuation in that it can be very effective for creating tension, but when overused it sort of takes away from that. I'd suggest using it more sparingly. But your grammar was mostly perfect - just fix the dialogue and you're good!

Plot

It's a cute concept, and one that promises for some hilarity as well as a touch of drama. The fact that Aileen clearly hates Liam, and he clearly enjoys annoying her, makes their interactions really fun to read.

I've already mentioned my main issue in the Characters section - how little Aileen mentions her failed relationship - so the rest of the plot I'm happy with. I'm guessing Chase as an overprotective brother will become clearer as the story progresses, especially when a Liam PoV chapter comes in. It's pretty simple, which works well for a nice fun teen fiction story.

I'm just wondering something, though - how does Aileen not realise that Chase has broken his leg? Like, they live together, so how could she not have noticed that he couldn't walk around? Plus, I think he'd be in hospital long enough for her to notice. I'm sure there's a logical explanation, but I'm a little confused.

Also, I love the way you describe Aileen's photography. It's quite a unique career aspiration for her to have, so I like that, and she also talks about it in a way that feels like she knows a lot about it. Good job!

Overall Thoughts

The light tone of your book does make for an enjoyable read. Your characters are passionate and full of life, which makes them all the more fascinating to follow. With a mixture of teen fiction charm, romance, and humour, you've got the makings of a really good story.

In the end, the problems I have were small, and overall I liked your book. It just needs that little extra professional-ish feel to push it into brilliance. Keep up the great writing! :D