Mania written by Dimaria1124

i. COVER & TITLE

I love your cover, and that's because it represents some mystery. It's pleasing, but it also gives off an awesome vibe for your book. It's really great. However, I wonder if all that dark space at the top could be made use of with a subtitle? That's the only recommendation I have. It could be something like 'seven days to celebrate a decade' or 'seven days to prove innocence'. Something like that?

I like your title. It's like chaos, but it's more unique. Excellent.

ii. BLURB

So I am not a fan of your blurb, but I do like how short it is. The problem is that it doesn't really hook us--there's a lack of detail in it. And since it's so short, you have the ability to add in some more stuff and organize your blurb into more of a story. What about something like this:

Once a decade, the ball begins.

Irene has been invited--despite her sadistic, mischievous and scheming tendencies. She didn't know what to expect, but it certainly wasn't to meet a man with the very same peculiar tastes. And the situation isn't any more straightforward when taking into consideration the fact that Irene is also being held captive as the suspect of a murder, along with eleven other people. 

 Perhaps one would assume Irene would be scared of the week that's coming. But in fact, Irene is the very opposite. She's not scared at all.

Because she likes a little mania.

So I took out Irene's last name because last names mean nothing to the reader and only confuse them. I also tried to reorganize and make the blurb a little more straightforward. I didn't add much in, because I don't know the story yet, but you do have the option to do that yourself, and II think it might be a good idea. I've also started the blurb with a one-liner that a bit easier and a one-liner to end and connect to the title.

1 2 / 1 5

i. PUNCTUATION

THE DASH

You use the two hyphens to indicate your creative dashes, which isn't quite right. Here's the right way to uses all dashes:

The hyphen (-) is the dash you currently use. It's for hyphenated words only, such as single-stranded or pre-mutation (I just finished a genetics lecture sorry. Normal examples could be long-term or father-in-law). The hyphen is just one press of the dash button.

The en dash (–) is the slightly larger dash. It is used only as formatting in chapter titles or things like that. It is not used in creative writing unless you're writing something science-based in dialogue. It is typed by typing a word, a space, a hyphen, then another space, then the next word. Programs like Word or Google Docs will then elongate it for you. Examples, again from my lecture: The distillation went from 80 – 90 degrees.

The em dash (—) is the big kahuna of dashes and the one you should be using where you use the hyphen. It is used to indicate interruption of dialogue, interruption of thoughts, or to add or clarify something in creative writing. It is typed by typing a word, NO SPACE, TWO hyphens, then NO SPACE, then the next word. Word or Google Docs will then elongate it for you. Be careful--Wattpad won't, hence why my dashes on here look like they do.

THE ELLIPSIS

You use the ellipsis fine most of the time, but you overuse it. In the prologue, nearly every sentence ends with an ellipsis, even this one, which follows a question mark:

"You know me that much?..."

So the one I picked out above is wrong, and you can't do that. But the other ones are simply overused. If you use an ellipsis extremely often, you take away its impact--so try to keep it to the minimum there. Just go back through and only use the ellipsis if it is absolutely necessary. Try to keep it to one ellipsis for every eight to ten lines of dialogue.

ii. FORMAT

Formatting your paragraphs is really important. Take this from your prologue: (I've fixed your dialogue tag here)

"That's why I'll try to keep him alive..." she answered honestly. She continues to keep her eye contact to the detective until he asked, "And torture him after?"

The problem here is you have two different people speaking in the same paragraph. Each time a new character speaks, they need to have their own paragraph. This also applies to every new thought or narration concept that comes through: If you're in one character's head and then you switch, new paragraph.

In addition, you should never have a line of dialogue then an immediate one after right after with no space. If you're writing on Wattpad, you must press enter twice for every time you start a new paragraph--never just once. the beginning of your chapter 1 is a good example of where you make this mistake.

iii. DIALOGUE

You have dialogue issues. What you're currently doing is inconsistent and incorrect in terms of dialogue tags and action tags. Here's all you need to know to fix this problem:

A dialogue tag is anything that describes the way something is said (ex. he screamed, she whispered, I asked). There are special rules to use these dialogue tags.

An action tag is anything that implies who is speaking by using an action (ex. he grinned, she raised an eyebrow, I blinked). There are no special rules for an action tag--use them as a regular sentence.

Some verbs can be used as both, such as 'he groaned.' If you want to say he said something in a groan, it's a dialogue tag. If you want to say he said something and then he groaned, it's an action tag. It simply depends on the context.

Situation 1 Dialgoue tag follows or proceeds dialogue:

"Hello," he said.  OR    He said, "Hello."

For dialogue first, the dialogue ends with a comma, and the dialogue tag begins with a lowercase. For dialogue tag first, the dialogue tag ends with a comma, and the dialogue begins with a capital.

Situation 2 Dialogue tag is followed or proceeded by dialogue with special punctuation: (! or ?)

"Hello!" he said.  OR     He said, "Hello!"

For preceding dialogue, the dialogue ends with the special punctuation, and the dialogue tag begins with a lowercase. For following dialogue, the situation 1 rules apply.

Situation 3 Dialogue is followed or proceeded by a dialogue tag with a capitalized noun:

"Hello," Tari said.  OR    Tari said, "Hello."

Capitalized nouns do not change the punctuation. Just insert the name instead of the lowercase dialogue tag.

Situation 4 Dialogue tag is placed in between two lines of dialogue: (You have choices here)

Option A: "Hello," he said, "how are you?"

Option B: "Hello," he said. "How are you?"  OR    "Hello." He said, "how are you?" (follows situation 1 rules)

Option C: "Hello!" he said. "How are you?"  OR    "Hello." He said, "How are you!"(follows situation 2 rules)

Options B and C follow regular rules. But if you want your dialogue tag to be in the middle of a continuous sentence, you would follow the format of option A, to use a comma at both ends of the dialogue tag and lowercase the dialogue tag.

Situation 5 Action tag is used in between two lines of dialogue:

"Hello"—Tari waved her hand in greeting—"how are you?"

When action tags are used between dialogue, they are separated and formatted with em dashes.

I hope that's not too much. You can always save this and come back to it later when you need clarification.

iv. AWKWARD SENTENCES

You do suffer from the occasional attack of the awkward sentence. The best I can recommend are the following tips:

Read your story aloud. Try to mark anything that doesn't come out naturally when you speak it, and those are the sentences to fix.

Get someone else to read your story aloud. If they stumble over a sentence, you probably have something awkward in there.

Mix up your punctuation. Use the dash, the semicolon, and make good use of commas to combat awkward sentences.

Switch up your sentence structure. Put the verb out front, put the verb in the back. Switch it up, and try to see if that solves the problem.

1 0 / 1 5

i. PACING

You wanted me to let you know if your writing is engaging. And although the prologue hooked my interest and kept it for a while, the first chapter did feel as though it lagged a bit. I think there was just a bit too much emphasis on how she got there, the timings, and how her room key worked, among other things. I think you'd benefit from speeding your first chapter through some of that stuff and trying to take out what isn't necessary or can be explained later. Beyond chapter 3, I didn't see any problems with pacing other than the occasional over-explanation that saps the writing just a tad. Try your best to go through and streamline your narration to the best of your ability.

ii. TRANSITIONS

I think your transitions from one character's head to another are a bit jarring. You seem to switch mid-chapter, but you don't exactly write in omniscient, so I'd suggest putting in timeskips where you switch from Irene's to Zaizen's POV. It may provide your readers with more stability. However, I do enjoy how well you end chapters and begin them--you definitely know when a chapter is done and when one should begin!

iii. WORD CHOICE

Although I love most of your word choice, you do have a tendency to use repetition where it isn't effective. Take this, for example:

'...staring straight into her forest green eyes. She blinked her eyes, showing clear innocence.'

So above here, you use the word 'eyes' twice, and when I'm reading, that immediately sticks out. Try to make sure you read your story out loud to find instances such as these. Either take one of the repeated words out (you would do that above) or think of using a synonym to make your story flow as best as it can.

0 6 / 1 0

i. CHARACTERS

You do have an incredible ability to create a vivid character. The way you mix backstory with physical description and habits work really well. I also think the characters you've currently got are really unique. There's always the ability to make your descriptions better by making them more unique--by adding in interesting metaphors and cool tendencies. But you're really good at creating a character!

ii. SCENES

I think you have a tendency to over-describe some scenes. Scene description is awesome, but there is such thing as too much of it. Just like with your pacing, you should do your best to question if each part of the plot that you're describing is absolutely necessary. Every little scene in your book should be important to the plot or the character development and if it's not, take it out. It doesn't need to be there. Never write a scene with the intent of passing time or getting words out. Always make sure it has something to do with the overall arc of the story. For example, was stating the exact times of the day relevant to the story, or did it just give out extra specific information that didn't do much to further the story? Something to think about.

0 7 / 1 0

i. PLOT

I absolutely love your plot. It's so easy to follow, and yet we know it's quite unique from the beginning. I agree that you have just the right amount of humour to take the 'heavy' aspect of mystery/thrillers out of your book--which makes this a fun, easy read. I most definitely have the urge to find out what will happen and who will be involved. I feel your plot is very well crafted, and very unique.

ii. TONE

You have a problem with the tense of your story. You're in half present-tense and half past tense, which ends up disrupting the flow of your story and makes your tone hard to judge. I do like your tone, but this problem is really glaring to most readers, and I would recommend doing your best to fix it up right away. In order to write a polished story, you have to pick a tense. I've included the explanations and also the reasons to pick each tense below so you can make this decision. keep in mind that although you cannot switch tenses in the middle of a story, you can switch it from chapter to chapter. That being said, switching, even from chapter to chapter--in the same character's head--would confuse readers. 

1. PRESENT TENSE:

Present tense is the way you would narrate something happening in the now. The verbs would all be conjugated into present tense. This means you use words like the following: says, does, he's (he is), they are doing this, she yells, she can't believe this. These verbs usually end with an 's'.

EXAMPLES OF THIS TENSE IN YOUR STORY:

(I've bolded the verbs that indicate the tense.)

'She knows how popular and humble her career is.'

'She's still at the main entrance.'

'She says before pressing the button.'

'She wonders if she did something that...'

WHY USE THIS TENSE?

Present tense is more commonly used. However, it is far less natural to the human mind--because it's not the way regular stories are told. It can be exhausting to read, because everything happens in the now. Present tense is more aggressive, more dramatic, and less literary. I only use present tense when I want to utilize its strengths: I use it in my prologues and my epilogues. These are usually short portions of the story that are meant to be extremely impactful. Present tense is best utilized in genres like horror, thriller or mystery--these genres want to make use of present tenses' ability to create stress.

2. PAST TENSE

Past tense is the way you would tell a story to your friend. You would talk as though it's already happened, and the verbs would indicate this. (said, yelled, did, didn't, wasn't) The verbs would end with 'ed' usually.

EXAMPLES OF THIS TENSE IN YOUR STORY:

(I've bolded the verbs that indicate the tense.)

'Irene didn't feel the need...'

'It was 4:34pm in the afternoon.'

'She beamed the moment she saw...'

'Irene smiled.'

WHY USE THIS TENSE?

Past tense, although less common on Wattpad and in modern stories, is far more common in old literature. That's because past tense has a more lyrical and natural feeling. It comes off a little less complicated and a lot less aggressive. This tense is better for more metaphorical, literary writing, as well as long-winded stories. That's why most fantasy stories utilize past tense, but most adventure stories go for the excitement of present tense. 

Since your story is more of a thriller, and aims to keep readers actively on the edge of their seats, I'd recommend present tense. But you're free to choose whichever tense you prefer to write in no matter what!

0 7 / 1 0

This story is very much onto something unique and intriguing. There are areas where your story could be cleaned up--mostly in the areas of flow and that tense problem--but there are many places it excels, such as the plot and the vivid qualities of your eccentric characters. With a little editing, this book would be an exciting, fun and polished read!

4 2 / 6 0