Title: Luna's Demise

Author: tyragathers

Genre: Fanfiction / Romance / Paranormal

Chapters Reviewed: 1.1 - 1.3

Blurb Below:

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I. Title: Luna's Demise

The title itself is very clever and especially for the concept of the fanfiction being a "teen wolf fanfiction," I really liked your title. Now, I will say, personally I was never fond of names in titles (just a personally preference, not telling you to change it). But here, I actually quite like it. It could be since the name itself is very pleasant... but who knows hahaha. The title gives off themes of someone either being an underdog, witnessing something happened and firing back, or what Luna has for the audience to listen in and learn. I am guessing this from the mature rating but that could be from other fields.

II. Cover

I will keep this short and sweet. The cover, like the title, play a HUGE role in getting those audience members to stick around or to find your work. This is also why I never liked names in titles since it can be hard to find but I digress. I am not really in the fanfiction world so I will not be the "absolute experienced" on it. You captivated the red and darker tones and even gain the face claim shading of the red which I adore! It really does speak to the concept you are going for! I know I am repeating myself but yeah.

I am not sure if it was a graphic thing but the title on my end it not the best to really see it easily. For example, the "Demise" part in the title could be a really good font to work with, but since you have red in the background, it just blends in with it, leaving it lost to see. Your name is quite small at the bottom and super hard to see. The words I can see the best is "Luna's" and "teen wolf fanfiction." Furthermore, what I am noticing is different fonts for each title, name, and genre. What I recommend it keeping it to 2-3 fonts maximum. What this does is make everything much more cohesive and compatible into allowing the audience envision your work better. A final note, I suggest move everything a bit closer to the center.

III. Blurb

I will say this quickly and understandable. Thank you!!! Blurbs are a strong asset to the audience understanding a work's progress. What I HIGHLY enjoy is that you allowed the saying "saying but not saying anything" to really shine. I feel that I get to see a bit of Luna but nothing at the same time. This is what makes the audience intrigued into reading more. We get to learn a vulnerability in Luna Tate but also get to see her desires for "just [wanting] to be normal." I also like how you mentioned Beacon Hill and how that her desire will never happen. What this does is that now the audience wants to learn if she finally gets to be normal, what does she battle for normality, what does she truly want in life, and how does she cope through this chaos.

IV. First Sentences

With every beautiful introduction to a book comes its striking first sentences. This is how a reader will stay attaching to finish that chapter. I will say, the diversity on Wattpad and how people read these are different as I usually review books themselves while on Wattpad, usually people stay to finish the chapter. I am going to say, the first sentences you have is something I have noticed in Wattpad fanfictions which is a description of the character (in regards to Season 1 - Ep. 1 - Part 1). Now, if we speak about the prologue's first sentences, it is very intriguing and sets the scene right then and there. But since it is a prologue, you will need to try and do this in both the prologue and first chapter.

What I think is that the first sentences in the first part of the proper story was just a description of who Luna is which I personally prefer when stories slowly introduce their appearances. Especially since it is a face claim and a photo of her is right above it, I think it will be quite hard to stray-away from just flat out descripting her. An example that I can think of would be this:

The slash of the blade cuts through. That blood dripping from her head lurks through her dark brown curly hair now tangled with the secrets of the dead. But she smiles, finding it hysterical.

They tried to stand a chance. But to me?! Hilarious.

End Scene. No idea what I even wrote but yeah. What this does is that it gives an example of a characteristic of her physically but also a characteristic of her personality. From this, you not only avoid information dumping (which I hate), but you also play into a tone of voice of her psychological thoughts. Remembering that this is in third person, so avoiding descriptions of her appearance right away can be hard but if you understand the principles of third person pov, you can master this quickly. I play around with 3rd-POV and 1st-POV in my stories all the time as I find it easier to build the physical and mental aspects of a character.

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Shall we begin? SO. This is an interesting take that I am going to approach this story and to understanding it properly. I had to re-read just a bit to make sure I am wording my upcoming statements properly and effectively. To begin with, I am not sure on the layout of your writing. Since you did mention it was a fanfiction and based off of the show Teen Wolf, I am going to assume your layout in writing is cohesive to the show so I will let it slide. I will say though, for any new audience members that have not seen the show, it is quite confusing to say the least on how to completely understand the plotline if you solely use it as a reference of the show. I am happy you utilized dialogue and worked through that, but I will recommend that you stray away from using the show as the only reference as now anyone coming in to read needs to have seen the show for it to work out. Again, this is only a recommendation and I encourage you to do whatever makes you most comfortable to function with.

Moving on. I just to remind you and anyone else that reads this that I do my reviews on an analysis of the plot itself and then connect the grammar, writing technique, etc. later on. When it comes to the parts I did read, a big concern I have is the writing technique, wording, filler words, and been too linear. I will mention what I really like after just so you can read about the improvements you can make. I will break this down!

Writing Technique and Linear: What I began noticing is that with the plot in mind, your writing technique and linear style felt a bit flat as I read some more. I completely understand that at the beginning of a story, it needs to show a specific direction you are taking and what each character is doing. However, a bit concern I have is that you put the story in a position of being too linear in actions and that speaks to the writing technique. Some examples I found just in the first part is: "Scott quickly nods as she glares at him. Glancing over at an open mouth, wide eyed Stiles the girl raises an eyebrow," and, "The girl holds up a finger... Scott takes the phone," and, "Scott gives her a nod... his gaze focuses... he can't take his mind...." What I am implying is that the linear style can create a boredom overtime and cause the readers to fall into this hole of nothing new. I am all here for people sticking with what they feel comfortable with; but when it comes to writing, I promise you that experimenting with your writing technique can help find your style. An example from my story for what I am implying: "Ethan takes his time, stepping through the arches. Muddy printed footsteps drag him deeper through the garden... as he turns to the fog, the past still comes back for him, targeting his weaknesses." What I work out is that I let it start linear at the beginning, but I switch it up right after being if I kept it linear, it would have been: "Ethan takes his time... Ethan drags muddy footsteps... Ethan has the past come back to him." The main conclusion I want you to understand is that never feel that you have to stick to these ordering of sentences and allow yourself to experiment.

The last part I want to cover is how I noticed you made some filler words and your wording was a bit confusing at times. There were some grammar errors (mostly relating to commas). Referring to the grammar errors, I mostly saw this in dialogue or when you describe what someone is doing. Example is: "Smiling widely the strawberry blonde...," there should have been a comma after 'widely.' These can be easily completed if you just go back and see where you find it necessary. Also, I noticed there are some filler words around at least the episode that I read. I don't want to get into crazy depth with it since this paragraph is like the minimal amount that was driving me away from focusing on the storytelling and plot. What I can say is that filler words are not the absolute worst things to occur, just try to refrain from doing these. Examples I can find is: "...pushes the seat down before climbing in the small backseat." This statement as two errors. One is wording which is "climbing in the small backseat" that needs to be "climbing into the small backseat." The other error is the filler words with "pushes the seat down" when it could just be "pushes the seat." Also, I just noticed this, but "pushes the seat down" doesn't make sense at all being saying 'down' is not an action the seat can do. Maybe you met was "pushes the seat back" or "pushes the seat in." But yeah.

Now for some stuff that I really liked. I love your descriptive nature on the characters. Even though you did show photos of them, I was able to understand their appearance and actions based on your description which I adore. As always. Also, I usually am not a fan of excessive dialogue but I do like that I can see a bit of their persona from their choice of wording and how they react to each other. Also, what a good writer will do is make sure that there are reactions to sudden news like: "'I know! You're a-'" "'Werewolf.'" "Stiles and Scott let out a yelp as the girl pops out...." Overall, I can personally say that I can't connect with fanfiction on an extensive level but I will say that I like your story and hope that you continue to improve and have fun writing!

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Now for my takeaway. I like to keep these short and sweet for you to be able to come back to and just quickly see what you might want to take from this review.

1. Improvements to help:

a. Wording

b. Filler words

c. Purple proses

d. Grammar (targeting commas)

e. Linear style that can be experimental (optional)

2. My personal opinions of the work:

a. I like your take with doing the story based off of a show series which can be hard to not fully mimic word-for-word

And that is all I have to say. I did enjoy my read but some areas were driving me away from the plot which I hope you are able to take into consideration. If anything, you can message me through PM or through here (you will have to tag me for me to get the notification) for any additional coverage that you would like me to discuss. Hope you like the review!

Have a great day and continue to write as much as your happiness pleases!