Komoreby written by SuVida777

i. COVER & TITLE

The cover of your book has clearly been perfected. The colours, fonts and details match beautifully. The only thing I want to mention is that the cover doesn't exactly represent sci-fi as a genre. When I first looked at it, I thought Komoreby was the name of the character on the front. I might suggest adding something in there that represents the sci-fi genre--maybe making the background into a little bit more of a city-type visual? I'm not sure. But your cover is excellent either way. I know you're a designer, so I believe you have to potential to create something that gives us a splash of sci-fi in the art.

Your title is even better--it represents the story, it's unique and it intrigues me. No quarrels there. I also read the part about the title meaning more than it seems at first. I can definitely relate to this--I too have had judges tell me I should change my title because they don't understand how deeply the title is rooted in the book. However, even at first glance I found your title to be plenty interesting.

ii. BLURB

Your blurb is definitely exciting. It's easy to read and gives us everything we need to know. The only problem is it's quite long. I'm going to try and streamline it below, but we'll see if I can get that done at all. The only other critique I have is that there are a few lines that could be organized better so they read through smoother. Here's my rewrite that I'll break down piece by piece:

Komoreby is the place of the future: an eco-city brimming with stylish urban life--where dreams are forged into reality. It's everything Evanna's quiet old town wasn't.

So I've made a lot of tiny changes here. First, I changed the first 'city' to 'place' because 'city' was used twice. Tiny change, but I think it makes a difference in terms of flow. Second, I changed some of the punctuation to make that first sentence smoother. I'm not sure if you'll agree with those changes, but it made more sense in my mind. I also took out the last name, because I think last names are clutter that don't yet mean anything to the reader. You might say--but Tari, YOU use a last name in your blurb. Well I do, but I use it for a different reason. The full name of my character is in the last sentence of my blurb--meant to cause impact. Yours is in the first line, so it doesn't have that impactfulness by nature. Does that make sense? Anyway, that's my reasoning. The last thing I did here was replaced 'was not' with the conjunction. I thought it worked better there. Moving on:

Nerdy in mind and whimsical at heart, Evanna is a petite girl with dreams far bigger than herself: to move to Komoreby and reunite with her best friend at the city's most prestigious high school. Everything is set for a brilliant new start--or so she thought.

Her very first day takes a downward spiral to rock bottom. And just when she thinks life can't get any worse, an innocent school tour of the high-energy physics lab takes a bizarre turn. Evanna soon finds herself in a warped reality where draconian rules control her every move.

Evanna is spinning down a rabbit hole of mind-boggling quantum physics. And through the haze of potential friends, foes and a mysterious rocker guy, she can't help but wonder if she has what it takes to find her way home.

Soooo did a bunch here. This blurb, already quite streamlined, is still longer than the average blurb I recommend. But sci-fi definitely takes the extra paragraph. So basically, I took out info that I didn't feel was absolutely necessary. In addition, I tried to end the blurb on a more finalistic (not a word, I know) note than the original. I think this blurb might be more on track to drawing in all sorts of readers, but again, these changes are so minuscule, I think it's quite obvious that your blurb was exceptional to begin with.

1 3 / 1 5

i. GRAMMAR

It was easy to see that you have your grammar down from the beginning. We use slightly different styles--I use Canadian, you appear to be using American--but we use oxford commas, em dashes and elipses the same way. Your story is free of virtually every single logistic error known to man. However, I did find one. That would be the use of a comma to introduce a person. Here is the example from your writing:

'It wasn't long before the principal Mrs. Ramirez breezed in and...'

In this instance, there should be a comma on either side of the name 'Mrs. Ramirez'. But in the example I have made up below, there should be NO comma on either side of the name:

'My sibling Ena enjoys writing as well.'

So what is the difference between those two sentences? Why does one include the comma and one not? I will do my best to simplify this below:

The rules of commas can be broken down into rules, using the terms 'dependent' and 'independent' clauses. I would assume an advanced writer such as yourself understands what these are. There are two other terms used in comma rules: 'nonessential' and 'essential'. These terms are exactly how they sound: a nonessential detail is one that does not need to be in the clause to have the sentence make sense. An essential detail does. Here is the rule:

INDEPENDENT, nonessential dependent clause, CLAUSE (commas included)

INDEPENDENT essential dependent clause CLAUSE (commas not included)

This shows us that if we have a nonessential dependent clause sandwiched between an independent essential clause, we use two commas. With that in mind, if the name of the person you are introducing is nonessential, the name must have a comma on either side. If the name is essential, then no commas are used. So going back to that original example where you did not use commas but you needed to:

'It wasn't long before the principal Mrs. Ramierez breezed in and...'

Let's take the name out:

'It wasn't long before the principal breezed in and..'

Do you see how the sentence still makes sense? That means the name 'Mrs. Ramierez' is nonessential, and therefore needs commas. Correction:

'It wasn't long before the principal, Mrs. Ramierez, breezed in and...'

But then why was my example one where the commas weren't needed? Here it is again:

'My sibling Ena enjoys writing as well.'

The explanation for this lies in the fact that I have two siblings. By using the name 'Ena', I am clarifying which sibling I'm referring to. That means the name 'Ena' is essential to the sentence--if I took it out, it would change the meaning of the sentence by not knowing which sibling I am talking about.

We can apply this rule to other sentences as well, such as this one from the prologue:

'She inched towards it squinting--and saw another.'

'Squinting' is a nonessential dependent clause, that is, it would not change the overall meaning of the sentence if we took it out. Therefore, the correction would be:

'She inched towards it, squinting--and saw another.' (I replaced what should be the second comma with a dash, since that was a part of the original sentence. I think that's fine. But just to be clear, the nonessential dependent clause 'squinting' should contain a comma on either side in any other sentence.)

That is the only grammatical error I was able to find after scouring your chapters for issues. And even this one is probably the stupidest, tiniest little detail. Otherwise, your grammar is flawless.

ii. TYPOS

You have very few typos. Like, barely any. But I just found a few that could be fixed up. For example, the word 'starstruck' is just one word, but you typed it as 'star-struck'. Similarly, you typed a height as 'five one' while it should contain the hyphen: 'five-one'. (That's what Canada tells us to do, but in Canada, we use centimetres anyway so I don't come across this rule much. I'd check around and do your research on this just in case I'm incorrect) Just tiny little things like that in the typo section.

iii. DIALOGUE

You have one dialogue problem that isn't really a problem. When an action tag is sandwiched between two lines of dialogue, we use em dashes to indicate that. Example below:

'"Ollie's. I think we mentioned it, like," Aunkie shot her an annoyed look, "a gazillion times during lunch break alone."'

Correction:

'"Ollie's. I think we mentioned it, like"--Aunkie shot her an annoyed look--"a gazillion times during lunch break alone."'

I'm typing this on Wattpad so the dashes don't come out looking properly, just so you know. You use them correctly.

So the second option is correct, but I did say that it wasn't really a problem. The reason I said that is because this rule is really not decided in general. Most agree the above way is correct, but there is no firm consensus. So it's not a huge problem. With that being said, I would change it, because an action tag is not a dialogue tag, and they should have separate indications in my mind.

1 4 / 1 5

i. AWKWARD SENTENCES

I wouldn't call any of your sentences awkward, exactly, but I do see the potential to make them flow better. Take this line from the prologue that I've already discussed:

'She had only taken a few steps along the metal walkway when something caught her eye--a distortion...She inched towards it squinting--and saw another.'

Again, this isn't exactly an awkward sentence. It's a sentence I would write as well. But when I edit, I have my sister read the chapters aloud to me. My trick is to make her read the chapters quickly. And if she gets caught on a sentence, I go in and try to see if I can rework it to make it clearer. The above sentence would've most definitely made my sister stumble if she read it out loud. Therefore, I would go in and try to rework it. These are the tips I tell myself when reworking these sentences:

- Look for a change in the order of the words. Take the subject, put it in the back. Or take the verb and put it out front. Just switch it around to see if it works better.

- If the sentence is long, split it up into two. This may disrupt flow or improve it, but it's always worth a try.

- Change the punctuation. If you have a dash, move it. If you have a semicolon or a comma, see if something else would work there better.

This is how I would rework yours, using all three tips above:

'She had taken only a few steps along the metal walkway when something caught her eye--a distortion. She inched towards it, squinting, and saw another.'

Now, in the beginning, I flipped around 'taken' and 'only'. That's because putting 'taken' in the middle of the sentence mixes up the structure. Don't get me wrong--it's never wrong to put it there. But I just think that if a sentence isn't reading out right, it's a good idea to flip it. Next, I split the sentence in two. I figured that would help me on the thrid trick: to switch up the punctuation. I added the commas as well, which we already covered in the logistics section.

So those are my tricks to smoothing out those sentences. Here are some other sentences I found. I won't describe them, but you can decide if you think what I'm saying has value or if you think your sentences sound clearer--which would be totally valid.

#1: 'As she walked in, her eyes fell on her mom Mary and her aunt Janet, who were seated at the table, still clad in their nightclothes.'

--> 'Her mom, Mary, and her aunt Janet were seated at the table, still clad in their nightclothes as she walked in.'

Again, the above sentence uses the name-comma-rule. Above, I have included the commas around the name 'Mary', assuming Evanna only has one mom. But since Evanna may have more than one aunt, I haven't used the commas around 'Janet' because I assumed it was essential for clarification. However, if Evanna does only have one aunt, you would put the commas there.

#2: 'With a quick nod, Evanna made a show of stuffing a few stray strands of hair into her ponytail--a cascading, red mane she had inherited from her dad's side, which was in contrast to the unassuming short, brown hair that Mary and Janet possessed.

--> 'With a quick nod, Evanna made a show of stuffing a few stray strands of hair into her ponytail--a cascading red mane she had inherited from her dad's side. Such a trait contrasted to the unassuming, short brown hair that Mary and Janet possessed. (I don't use commas before a descriptive colour--I think it reads out much clearer. There's no firm rule on this, but I would call the colour essential, so I use no comma. But it could go either way.) Another thing that may make this sentence better is adding in what Evanna thinks of those traits--such as saying why she doesn't/does prefer one trait or the other.

ii. PACING

Although I don't have any quarrels with your pacing, specifically, I did feel as though you may overuse the timeskip. I found the first chapter to be split up quite a bit in places where perhaps the timeskip wasn't needed. For example, you use a timeskip when Evanna goes into the admissions office. I wasn't sure that was needed, and it ended up breaking the flow a little bit in my opinion. You could let us know what happens during that timeskip, or you could find a way to smoothen the two timelines together by generalizing what happens during the timeskip. I only use one timeskip per chapter at the most, and occasionally, if I have a super tiny little perspective change I want to add in, I use two timeskips. If you get to the later chapters of my book, you may find two chapters where I use over ten timeskips in a single chapter. But that is used for drama and effect and because I was trying to do a style thing. In normal chapters, I use only one. If you find you need more, it might be a good idea to split up the chapter entirely. This is simply a personal preference of mine, as I think too many timeskips disrupt the flow. But I've read books with numerous timeskips in a chapter that other people love, so it's up to you to decide what you think.

0 9 / 1 0

i. CHARACTERS

Your descriptions are...practically perfect. But I am the pickiest person on earth. And I would hope you came for a review to get me to point out every nook and cranny that I think could be cleaned up. So here is my tiny little annoyance with your descriptions:

You use exact heights. In the first chapter, you describe that Evanna is five-one. (I'm pretty sure you describe her as five-one, but you also could've been talking about Anukie because the sentence was a little confusing. I'd go back and make sure it's clear who you are referring to in that sentence. But for the purpose of this example, I'll just continue on as though you were referring to Evanna)

I don't think you should ever use exact heights. Why? Because very few people know exactly how tall a person is. It has the feel of unrealism. In addition, the heights are just simply a break in the flow. If you want to say Evanna is five-one, try saying 'just above five feet'--or even better in my opinon, just say she's short.

I have a super solidified opinion on this for a very deep reason, but it's hard to explain, so I'll give you an example. You want me to be viewing Evanna as short, which is why you would've included the description 'humble height'. But do you want me viewing Evanna as extremely short? Because that's how I see her. At my height, I would--quite literally--not be able to see her through my peripheral if she walked up to me. And this can go for other readers on the spectrum--ones that are super short. They might not think five-one is all that short. In fact, I have a four-foot-nine friend that would see Evanna as a giant. Do you see what I'm getting at? As a writer, you have the opportunity to allow everyone to view Evanna as simply short--just by not specifying how short. Extremely picky, I know. But those tiny things are important to readers that don't fit into the norm.

Although your descriptions are flawless on the physical side, you could try to add more on the emotional side. Emotional descriptions are essential to making a vivid character, and you have that down twenty times over with Evanna. But with the newer characters, I don't see it as much. What are the unique things about Anukie that you could add? Looking at this description of her that you wrote:

Anukie Perea was the epitome of stylishness in her neat little dress, manicured nails and wedge heels. She was in perfect shape, and her dusky complexion glowed with a bronze sheen. If there was any trace of the meek kid Evanna used to know, it didn't show.

That is truly a beautiful description. So how do we make it better? We try to add more originality to it. Here's how I would write it (based on how I see Anukie; you might have a different view):

Anukie Perea was the epitome of stylishness in a neat little dress, manicured nails and wedge heels. Her form was effortlessly athletic, but Evanna doubted the dusky glow and bronze sheen of Anukie's complexion was anything close to effortless. Evanna guessed the meek kid she'd once known now spent close to an hour perfecting her face every morning.

So why do I think this description of Anukie is better? Because it provides us with extra information on not only Anukie's appearance, but her life. We can see her in front of the mirror, getting ready in the morning, and perhaps the average reader would then see Anukie as vain, a trait that was slipped in there quite subtly. From this description, I also get the sense that Anukie is trying to cover up the meek kid she once was. Maybe that's not what you were going for, but the point I'm trying to make is the second description simply offered us more to work with based on personality. Again, super picky. But I've devoted most of my writing career to creating vivid characters, and I come up with the most absurd traits to accomplish that. These emotional descriptions are able to convey traits to the reader without directly telling you 'this character is vain and insecure'

ii. SCENES

I have never, in all my years (okay so I'm only nineteen but I swear I've read a LOT of books), read a book with better world-building than yours. I see Komoreby so clearly--every part of it. The modern touches and the scenery. Everything is just perfection. I can see the high school, the vegetation, the roads, the buildings. Maybe I've just dreamt of reading a book with this kind of lore, but either way, your scene description is just...something else. Your book reminds me a little bit of These Violent Delights by Chole Gong--a book I just finished that also contains incredible scene description. While I was reading that book, I found myself just flabbergasted by the way I could see the 1920s glittering Shanghai setting. I thought I'd never find another book like that. But here I am, having found one that I would honestly consider to be better.

0 9 / 1 0

i. PLOT

The plot of Komoreby starts off already intriguing. Just the idea of the city gets me excited. It's sci-fi written in a fantasy voice, which is honestly the coolest thing. Having read the blurb, I knew the story would develop into more than just a tale about an eco-city. And even before the heavy sci-fi came into play, I was thoroughly engrossed in Evanna's social life. The scene at the party was exciting in the same way that it was heartbreaking, and I found myself rooted deeply for Evanna to be okay. I expected excellent writing from the beginning, but I did not expect you to sweep us into this world so perfectly. Your characters are so vivid and well crafted in the best of ways, like how Evanna notices the hint of intelligence to Alcina before we find out she is actually interested in science. Speaking of, your science seems to be flawless. I'm in a biochemistry degree, but I take a special interest in physics and have even considered changing my degree over to it. I've taken a few physics courses, but the science in Komoreby was even a bit much for me to keep up with. I was able to understand the general ideas, but not the intricate reasoning behind them. I'm not sure if that was the intention, but I wanted to bring it to your attention. If I, someone decently educated in physics basics, had trouble following science, average readers will have difficultly as well. It's not really a big problem, but you might want to consider what that does to your audience.

The twist that happens in chapter 3 is one that us readers were expecting, but it still manage to elevate my heart rate and excite me. I found you handled the introduction of the reality of chapter 4 extremely well. The plot of your book is just fantastic.

ii. TONE

I love Evanna. And--unpopular opinion (?)-- I also really love Alcina. I think she has some depth to her that we have yet to discover (I reviewed up to the end of chapter 4, so I didn't get a chance to meet the alternate Alcina yet). In addition, the tone of Evanna's voice is so relatable and comforting. I think a lot of people will see some part of themselves in one of the characters you've dreamt up, and that makes was for a wide base of readers. I like Evanna's sarcastic nature, as well as the internal conflict and social anxiety she faces on a daily basis.

1 0 / 1 0

Komoreby is a masterpiece. The world-building, the characters, the intricate mix of science with conflicting emotions are written in a way I find enthralling. There are one or two logistical errors to clean up, and you have the opportunity to streamline your blurb a bit. But other than the minuscule description details I mentioned, I found the tone, plot and description of this book to be nothing short of perfect. Since you got over fifty points, I'll add this story to my first reading list. And like a million other ones.

5 5 / 6 0