Kalopsia written by Rainbow_Indigo02

i. COVER & TITLE

I started writing this review before you changed your title and cover, so I'm just quickly rewriting it as I see it has now changed, and it is MUCH better. Title = excellent. Snappy, interesting. What does it mean? Is it a name? A place? We don't know, but we want to find out. Cover = excellent. Pretty, nice colours, fonts that match, professional-looking and awesome. I want your designer desperately. If you did it, I want you desperatley. As many points as I can give you here.

ii. BLURB

Your blurb is a bit messy, and we get a bit too much info right off the bat. So let's see what we can do here:

- first off, make a space between the disclaimer about your title and the next line. This will NOT affect the spacing when people view it in the tiny version next to your cover, but it will look nicer when they open it up to the bigger version.

- try not to start off with a year. It's something that's isn't all that interesting and is thrown right at us. In addition, it doesn't really make it a difference; we'll guess that you're in the future. Always try to start off with something snappy and intriguing, yet easy to understand.

- try to keep the city description to a minimum, get to the story as quickly as possible--and perhaps put in info about the city as you go along.

- there are a few grammatical errors that are worth fixing up. Here's my rewrite, done with an attempt to generalize some of your descriptions, shorten the blurb and make it more dramatic:

The Current is both keeping them alive and killing them.

Lacuna lives in a metal dome encompassing her city--and therefore protecting her from the vicious radiation of the outside world. But the radioactive field that keeps them alive is also killing them slowly--and Lacuna's sister is chosen as one of five innocents to venture away from the safety of the dome to refuel The Current.

With her father having run off with all her family's money, Lacuna sees only one option to save her crumbling life: volunteer to become one of the sacrifices and hope that she returns in time to provide her family with the money they so desperately need.

But the governors and the boy that caught Lacuna's eye aren't who they seem, and they're willing to risk the lives of the innocent in the name of power. The citizens and governors are fighting a war for power.

And only one will win.

So obviously I've shortened it a bit and tried to streamline the points you seemed to want to make. I've tried to keep everything in that was necessary, but also clean up a few things I thought were just a tad messy. 

iii. THE HOOK

A one-liner, snappy, fun and exciting. In-the-moment that immediately focuses attention. That's ALL I ask for in the initial impression, and you provide exactly that. It's SO good. SOOOO good.

1 3 / 1 5

i. PUNCTUATION

THE DASH

I like the way you use the dash (I think you could use it a little more, actually, but you use it fine now) but you just format it wrong, which is fine. However, don't think that the correct format isn't a big deal--because it is. When readers notice your format of the dash is wrong, they're going to think you don't know what you're doing. It's more important than it seems for the image of your story that is oh-so-fragile in the beginning. Here's the way to format it:

The hyphen (-) is the dash you currently use. It's for hyphenated words only, such as single-stranded or pre-mutation (I just finished a genetics lecture sorry. Normal examples could be long-term or father-in-law). The hyphen is just one press of the dash button.

The en dash (–) is the slightly larger dash. It is used only as formatting in chapter titles or things like that. It is not used in creative writing unless you're writing something science-based in dialogue. It is typed by typing a word, a space, a hyphen, then another space, then the next word. Programs like Word or Google Docs will then elongate it for you. Examples, again from my lecture: The distillation went from 80 – 90 degrees.

The em dash (—) is the big kahuna of dashes and the one you should be using where you use the hyphen. It is used to indicate interruption of dialogue, interruption of thoughts, or to add or clarify something in creative writing. It is typed by typing a word, NO SPACE, TWO hyphens, then NO SPACE, then the next word. Word or Google Docs will then elongate it for you. Be careful--Wattpad won't, hence why my dashes on here look like they do.

THE SEMICOLON

I like that you're not afraid of the semicolon--and sometimes you get the semicolon right, but other times you don't. Remember: A semicolon is used to separate two independent yet still related clauses. This means that a semicolon can ALWAYS be a period. (But a period cannot always be a semicolon, because not all clauses are related)

So take this example here, from your first chapter:

'They would whisper stories of shimmering azure waters lapping gently over ivory sand; of fierce mountain peaks jutting like fagged shards of obsidian into a thunderous grey sky'

So although I completely understand what you were trying to do here, the use of the semicolon is incorrect, because 'of fierce mountain peaks...and so on' is not independent--that is, it relies on the first clause 'they would whisper...' to make sense. Therefore, you can't use the semicolon there. But you do have a point that no other punctuation really works there. Here's my advice: the dash would work fine there, but then since you have more semicolons following these sentences, you wouldn't want to use multiple dashes. So therefore, you'd probably be okay to use commas here--it would be a little heavy; you're probably better off restructuring this--but in the name of creativity, I think the commas would be fine. Just be careful, since this wasn't the only instance where you misused the semicolon. 

COMMAS

I really had to work to find your comma errors, and even then you have very few and they're very advanced. But let's look at this one problem that you have sometimes:

'No one comes back from there alive, and yet as my gaze sweeps across the crumbling ruins an inescapable thrill takes hold of me.'

So above, you're missing a comma after 'ruins'. Why? Well, because 'and yet as my gaze sweeps across the crumbling ruins' is a nonessential clause, that is, it doesn't really affect what you're trying to say if you don't tell us that your gaze is sweeping across the ruins, right? The essential things to the meaning of this sentence are that no one comes back alive, and a thrill is running through you. When you have a nonessetial clause, you put commas on either side. In addition, to explain it easier, the inescable thrill is not the same clause as your sweeping gaze, so it needs a comma.

From reading enough of your writing, I get the sense that (please don't take this the wrong way) you don't actually understand the rules for commas, you're just naturally pretty good at knowing when to use them. Correct me if I'm wrong, because I'm not sure. But if I am right, and you don't fully understand dependent clauses and such, you might benefit from heading back to one of my earlier reviews and looking at the comma rules I've laid out for other writers. If you do understand all that, just make sure you fix up the few times you made the above mistake and the occasional other.

ii. TYPOS

I include these under typos, but I think you might just have confused which words have hyphens and which don't. Remember that the 'no-one' that you write should just be 'no one' without the hyphen.

iii. DIALOGUE

You have to be careful about the way you structure dialogue. Remember that action tags are things that don't describe how something is being said, but they still allude to who is speaking as long as they are next to dialogue. Take this example from your story:

'"Lacuna...take care of Dawn, okay?" I hesitate, then nod, and as she raises her sky-blue eyes to mine I can see that they glimmer with tears she's forbidden to shed.'

So here, the action tag is 'I hesitate'--it indicates that Lacuna is talking, when she isn't the one that's talking. To avoid this, you need to separate the dialogue and the action tag with a line spacing, taking the action tag to just a regular action.

In addition, you occasionally confuse your dialogue tags with your action tags. Remember action tags are things that describe only the way things are done, and dialogue tags are describing the way things are said. So here:

"I love you." she reaches out...

That 'she reaches out' is an action tag, so it is treated as a regular sentence in terms of punctuation, and needs to be capitalized. 

1 1 / 1 5

i. PACING

The biggest problem with your pacing is the amount of info-dumping we get in the beginning. But I also want to mention that although you are info-dumping, you're not quite doing it in a way that is confusing. The problem with your first chapter is that it reads out less like a story and more like a lecture--we're being told things in chronological order with no dialogue, or big scenes to separate them. You might be better off trying to sprinkle in the details of the first chapter into the following chapters in a way that reads out a little smoother.

In addition, your first chapter moves a bit too fast and a bit too orderly for my taste. We learn about what day it is, we see her sister, and we're already being told goodbye. I think you might benefit from starting the story a day before her sister leaves--let us see who the sister is and how the family is doing before the adventure truly starts. Another pro to this is that we have a chance to know and like the sister before sending her off. We get a chance to feel for the fact that she's getting sent off--we develop a connection, which would be essential, otherwise we won't relate to how badly Lacuna wants to save her. I think you should slow down your pacing as much as possible.

ii. BLOCK FORMAT

Remember that each new line of writing in the block format (what you're using) needs to have a full space between it. Go back and look at the end of chapter 1, where you write 'but we all know the truth'. You don't have a full space between that and the line above it, and you need to. In addition, you sometimes don't give new paragraphs when you should. A new paragraph needs to be used every time you have a new person speaking or a new thought.

0 7 / 1 0

i. CHARACTERS

You asked me to focus on this, and if there's one thing I know, it's description. You have ordered the right reviewer. I hope. 

So you were worried about your description being too much, and you're right. But I'm going to break it down so you can see why it's a problem and how to fix it. I'm going to paste in one of your beautiful descriptions--one that has the potential of something incredible--and I'm going to rip it to pieces. That being said, I'm only going to change the structure of your sentences--I won't touch the content, because that's perfect. I'm going to make it more smooth, hopefully. I'm going to make the structures more advanced, using more unique punctuation. In addition, I'm going to avoid phrases like 'she had'. They are very basic and unoriginal in description. Here's what you wrote.

'Mother, who cared for me. A memory, painfully vivid, peirces my mind. She had cinnamon hair often falling down her shoulders in waves, with sparkling hazel eyes, blue as the ocean, fringed with long lashes. The same eyes that seemed to smile when she saw me. The same eyes that not too long ago, stared back lifeless and unblinking. The azure waters surrounding the city pulled her under, claimed her life like it had claimed so many others, as the governors observed silently.'

Nice. Beautiful. But it has basic sentence structure that border on run-ons. So I'll show you how I would rework it:

'Mother, who cared for me. Vivid memories are piercing my mind before I have the chance to stop them: cinnamon hair, wavy like the sea that drowned her. Eyes that did more smiling than a mouth was capable of--the sparkling hazel colour cast into shadows by beautiful lashes. They told a story, those eyes; they told a story of someone who'd somehow seen it all and somehow still wanted to see more. But the last I saw those eyes, they were dull, lifeless and unblinking as they were pulled under the azure waters surrounding the city. And the governors watched, silently.'

So this is a bit longer, but it tells us more. It tells us more about who this mother was. I've also added in the part of how she still wanted to see more to give a little heartstring pull on her death. This description will make us feel just a little more, and you'll also notice I've made use of dashes, semicolons and commas to make the sentence structure more advanced and therefore smoother.

I would recommend just going and rewriting things like this. You'll never get it perfect the first time, and that's okay. Just rewrite--add in more emotional things. Switch up your sentence structure, add in your punctuation and don't be afraid to dig deep!

ii. SCENES

Slightly different problem here. Your vocabulary is beautiful. It really is. I'm being picky when I say this: It's a little too much. You walk a very fine line between heavy old literature that exhausts the mind and the perfect amount of understandable to more advanced words. You have to make sure that your advanced words are sandwiched between easier words. Why? Because if you flood your writing with massive, beautiful words, they no longer stick out. Incredible words are far more effective when they are unique to their surroundings.I'm going to try and showcase with an example. Here's your original hook:

'Pale shafts of artificial moonlight fall through the canopy of obsidian clouds gathering on the horizon, spilling etheral silver over the empty streets and alleys that wind through the city. Birdcalls echo around the buildings, their soft melodies eeire but somehow beautiful.'

This is a very heavy descriptive scene, and it can be exhausting to read. Here's how I would change this:

'The artificial moonlight is pale as it falls through a canopy of clouds on the horizon, spilling etheral light over the empty streets and alleys that wind through the city. Birdcalls echo around the buildings, their song eerie but still beautiful.'

Now this is shorter, but not by much. What I've done here is picked out the big words I liked: artificial, pale, canopy, spilling, etheral, eerie. I've kept those, having prioritized them over the many others you had: shafts, obsidian, gathering, silver, melodies. By taking those words out, I've made this paragraph more manageable, but still smooth. I hope that makes sense. Focus more on make the structure of your sentences advanced, and only littering in a few powerful words.

0 8 / 1 0

i. PLOT

I see some real creativity in your plot. Again, I think it moves too fast. But when I take out that factor, I see something really cool, really incredible forming. I see unique characters with exciting storylines and relatable personalities. I see a love story in the future that could give readers all kind of tingles. There's unique aspects of your plot, but it's not so dystopian that we get lost. I have nothing but full points for the creativity you've woven into every thread of your plot.

ii. TONE

Your tone is stunning. It's beautiful and developed and creative. You do use a large vocabulary that I think you could organize better, but it's still amazing. Your write in a way that is naturally incredible. I have trouble deciding if you've spent years perfecting your writing or if you're simply a natural.

With that being said, there is something on the topic of tone I wanted to bring into attention. You're in the first person, but you also slip occasionally into the second person--which means you talk to the reader in the form of a letter, by saying 'you', like this:

'The city offers safety, heath, protection...and yet you are entirely dependent on the governors.'

So although that isn't exactly incorrect (although some publishers would consider it so) it does defy your POV rules. In addition, saying 'you' to the read can be a little odd, as it breaks the fourth wall of narration, making your story seem a little unprofessional. If you really like this style, you can keep it. But I would recommend taking it out in the name of comfort for the reader.

0 9 / 1 0

There are places to improve this story for sure. You have very few logistical errors, but the few you have are easy fixes. You clearly have writing in your bones, but you could do with working out some kinks in your vocabulary pertaining to your descriptions. Your plot is incredible, your tone is lovely, and your cover and title make for a great impression (not to mention that hook!), but I would recommend trying to fix that blurb up a bit (as always, you're welcome to take the one I wrote you word-for-word, or simply take what you want and leave the rest, or leave it entirely). This is a lovely book in the works!

4 8 / 6 0