GUARDIANS

opfrogger

Thank you for your patience with this review! I know it must be upsetting to be at the front of the queue and have me stop reviewing for awhile. But my exams are done and so I now have my full attention on this review!

Initial Impression: (cover, title & blurb)

Your cover needs improvement. I like the font and the picture, but together they don't really stick out at me. I'd recommend sending the picture to a cover artist and having them do something for you. It's a little dark, too.

Your title makes sense, and although it's common-ish, I don't have a huge problem with it. But I would recommend brainstorming if there's anything more unique that would work better. Here are some ideas I have: Heroic Spirits – personal favourite. I found this one in your blurb and it seems to mean the same thing as 'Guardians' but its more...cool. You know? I also wonder if you could use the name of the world, Atlandium. Keep in mind I don't know your story like you do, so it's possible that you understand the meaning behind the title and I don't. But from and initial impression perspective, I think an alternative title would be a good idea. After reading your blurb and book, I like the title much better. So you just have to decide how important that initial impression is.

I don't like the explanations of the kingdoms you have in your blurb. But like, I also do. I just don't like how many names we have thrown at us. Is there a way to make it better? I have some ideas. I like every part of your blurb other than that, but I have cleaned it up in my suggestions. I also would get rid of your first sentence. It's too straightforward and boring. I say scrap it.

If you want to keep the kingdoms in there but make it less wordy, suggestion one:

Six kingdoms.

The birthplace of man. The sturdy union. The spirit sanctuary. The war-driven wind. The All-Knowing Empire. They Who Endure.

Through countless wars, treaties and death, the nations have settled in peace living under an unspoken state of passivity. But an ancient evil has awoken with vengeance running through its veins and seeks nothing more than the death of man.

The 6 Heroic Spirits of each nation have also awoken in response to this evil presence, and they seek out those who have the courage, strength and determination to handle their power. Those chosen are known as Guardians and are tasked with stopping this ruination.

The fate of Atlantium rests in their hands.

So that sticks to your original idea. But I think you need to shorten it even more. Be clearer. We don't know your world like you do, so introduce us a little easier. Something that's going to keep up interested. Here's what I would write:

An ancient evil has awoken.

Vengeance runs through its veins and it seeks nothing more than the destruction the six kingdoms, once united through an unspoken state of passivity.

But the kingdoms are not helpless. The six heroic spirits of each nation seek out those who have the courage, strength and determination to handle their power.

They are known as Guardians.

So this blurb is much smaller, and I took out a lot of information you had in your blurb (I also took out the oxford comma because I hate it). Basically, this is the info I think is essential. I also think this blurb has more of a final-ish approach because it ends with the title. It makes readers feel that connection immediately. This is definitely the blurb I'd recommend. You're welcome to use this exact blurb or change what you want. Or keep it how you have it. The blurb is not terrible the way it is. I just see potential for it to be better.

9/15

Logistics: (grammar, spelling & dialogue)

You struggle with the logistics of writing, although you do have the ability to tell stories beautifully. I'm going to try to break down the biggest issues with your logistics, but keep in mind there are some things I have not mentioned.

So your story is center positioned. I...hate that. But you can do what you want. It's just most writers will not go for that, and it's not how published books look. But I guess Wattpad is a place for uniqueness to thrive? So, do what you want. But just know most readers will absolutely despise that.

1 – Commas

I'm not going to go in-depth on commas with you, because I think there are things you need to work on first. If you want the comma spiel, go to my last review. But I think you should focus on other things. Just know that you have problems with not using commas where you should.

2 – Sentence Structure

I noticed a lot that you don't break up your sentences when you should. Example, from chapter one:

"My son is a bit shy and he tends to distance himself away from people do you think he'll still do well here?" The woman asks.

So I've picked this sentence because there's a lot wrong with it and it provides a lot of general explanation for me. First of all, you need a comma between 'my son is a bit shy' and 'he tends to distance himself...'. Why? Because they're independent clauses. They are independent because they both contain the subject and the verb. (First clause, respectively: 'son, shy') (Second clause, again respectively: 'he, distances') If you don't want that comma, all you need to do is take out the 'he'. That makes the second sentence dependant, and therefore no comma would be needed.

correction: "My son is a bit shy and tends to distance himself..."

OR

correction: "My son is a bit shy, and he tends to distance himself..."

Onto the next part, you need a period in between 'people' and 'do'. They are completely different sentences. So the end product (including the correct dialogue tag I will explain later) will be:

"My son is a bit shy, and he tends to distance himself away from people. Do you think he'll still do well here?" the woman asks.

Another example where you need a period, from chapter one:

"Don't forget to meditate." she reminds, I simply nod before fully exiting.

'she reminds' and 'I nod' are completely independent. They need to be separated by a period or a semicolon. (dialogue tag has been corrected again below)

correction: "Don't forget to meditate," she reminds. I simply nod before fully exiting.

3 – Dialogue Tags

Ugh. The annoying dialogue tags. It took me millions of years to learn these. But here is my best explanation that seems to offer the least confusion:

- A dialogue tag is anything that describes the way something is said (ex. he screamed, she whispered, I asked).

- An action tag is anything that implies who is speaking by using an action (ex. he grinned, she raised an eyebrow, I blinked).

Some verbs can be used as both, such as 'he groaned.' If you want to say he said something in a groan, it's a dialogue tag. If you want to say he said something and then he groaned, it's an action tag.

Now, placing these into your writing. Here are the rules:

When you have a dialogue tag following or proceeding a spoken sentence, the beginning of the spoken sentence is always capitalized and if your dialogue tag is after, then you end the spoken sentence with a comma and begin the dialogue tag with a lowercase. If the dialogue tag comes before, then you place a comma after the dialogue tag and begin the spoken sentence with a capital.

Examples:

"Hello," he said.

OR

He said, "Hello."

When you have a dialogue tag in the middle of two spoken sentences, you

a) either pick a sentence and attach the dialogue tag to that using the above rules, or you

b) make it all one sentence and end the dialogue tag with a comma and begin the spoke sentence with a lowercase.

Examples:

"Hello," he said. "It's nice out today."

OR

"Hello." He said, "It's nice out today."

OR

"Hello," he said, "it's nice out today."

Whenever you have an exclamation mark, question mark or a name that must be capitalized, you simply add your mark, capitalize the name and do not change any other punctuation.

Examples:

"Hello," I said.

OR

"Hello?" she asked.

When you are using action tags, you follow the regular rules of writing and end the spoken sentence with a period and begin the action tag with a capital.

Examples:

"Hello." He grinned.

He grinned. "Hello."

If you follow these rules, you shouldn't struggle with your dialogue anymore.

4 – Errors

I've classified errors as anything that doesn't seem like they're intentional. You have quite a few. By that, I mean things that aren't capitalized or missing quotations. Just try running over your chapters with Grammarly or some other spellcheck.

If you have any questions on any of these, I'd be happy to clarify.

6/15

Story Flow: (transitions & pacing)

Your transitions can be good at some points and at others they're a little unnatural. Take this one from chapter one, where Jake goes upstairs to do homework and such. You skip a lot of time there but don't include a timeskip. I think it would be more natural if you did this: (dialogue tag has been corrected for reference)

"Good," I dismiss as I run upstairs to my room.

*

After hours of tedious homework and my mother 'wanting to know more about my social life' at the dinner table, I finally sit down on the edge of my bed, exhausted.

This feels more natural to me. I think you should use a timeskip once in a while. It would help with your flow.

Your pacing is rather good! I don't feel rushed or dragged at all! I was very surprised at how quickly things seemed to move by without me noticing. Your chapters also seem to be just the right length and they end smoothly. Well done here!

7/10

Description: (characters & scenes)

So description is an area that I frequently visit and am very interested in. In my opinion, you have a lot to improve. You info-dump, which means you throw height, eye colour, hair colour and hair texture at us all at once. This is a big no no.

Spreading out descriptions takes a lot of work. It's something you have to get used to. I'm going to break down one of my own descriptions, not because I'm advertising but because I just understand how to explain my own writing.

Here's the description I'm going to break down:

             She was tall. That was the first thing Vallin noticed. And the second was her eyes. He couldn't see much else in the dark, only those piercing irises. They were focused on him-so focused and pointed that Vallin's muscles turned to dust and floated away.

So Vallin is my main character and the 'she' is the new character being introduced. (this is not from my current book it's from a prequel so lets hope nobody who is reading my book is also reading this review lol)

So let's break it down. The first thing I mention is height, because I think that's the most immediate thing to notice about this character. Then I mention the eyes. After those two descriptions, I cut off the physical description and move on to something emotional-what my main character feels.

Then there's some unimportant dialogue and this is where the description continues:

            Vallin had not been expecting her voice to be so grating. From what he could see, she was simply stunning. And stunning women had nice voices.

This is a description I will forever stand by: VOICES. They are often missed in writing but they are so important. They paint the picture. After this description, there's some more dialogue. Then, I go on to explain the hair.

So what are the most important parts of this?

1. Spread out your descriptions.

They should be over pages. I've had descriptions that are spread out over hundreds of words. They should be mixed with emotional description and dialogue and other things.

2. Mix two physical descriptions with one emotional description

ex: hair colour, eye colour, the sound of their voice.

ex: nose shape, length of hair, how they make the MC feel.

As for scene description, you have that pretty well down. Just remember to add sensory details such as smell and touch as well as the visual stuff.

5/10

Originality: (plot & tone)

Your plot is pretty standard fantasy, but it starts out more contemporary, which I like. It kind of allows us to breathe a little. I think it's an awesome plot with lots of potential to work with.

Your tone is beautiful! You have a large vocabulary and a wonderful way of exploring how to write. I think this lyrical tone is what's going to get you your reads, so pay attention to the best way to develop it. I'd suggest writing out scenes that aren't in your book, just to understand your style. You've got lots to work with in this section.

9/10

Final Comments:

You have a wonderful tone and lots of creativity in this story. You have significant issues with your logistics, but those things can be fixed far easier than tone and plot. Just try to come back to those dialogue rules, comma rules and sentence structure to improve your readability. This book holds tons of potential and I wish you all the best writing it!

Final score:

36/60