Book: Green Eyes
Author: lassie_butter
Genre: Mystery/Thriller

Cover: 80/100
To begin with, I'd like to say that your cover is interesting. Not really all that sure what's going on in it, which is not always a bad thing, and it definitely goes with the title. 

A Few Things To Fix:

There's a hand in the corner, which just kind of seems like it doesn't belong. If it's a must have aspect of your cover, try to work it in more discreetly.

The font of your title is very pretty and eye-catching, but I'm not sure the fancy font really gives off a Thriller vibe. You might want to try something a little more dramatic. 

And your name! IT'S SO SMALL!!! You could probably make it a little bit bigger, and that way, when people don't have a large view of your cover, you can see it a little bit better.

And finally, is that an award sticker in the corner? I can't tell what award it is. I know it's hard to find a place for it that doesn't cover up an important part of your pretty cover, but there's plenty of empty space at the bottom left. Put it there and make it bigger so people can see your book's accomplishments.

Blurb: 90/100
Your Blurb is short, which is my favorite part! Filled with questions and intriguing lines, this definitely makes for a great blurb. But the only thing I would change is the wording of a few of your sentences. At the moment, they feel a bit forced and sound a little awkward. Also, don't be afraid to break down your sentences a little more.

I went ahead and made some minor changes to your blurb. See what you think:

After being set free to the outer world, Talia must team up with a set of individuals to liberate green-eyed humans like herself, seeking justice from the inhumane treatment inflicted on them from a powerful mortal's grip.

Discoveries are made. Mysteries are unravelled. The desire for vengeance is strong and slightly justified. Most of all, a suspect is detected.

The invitation to affliction is now in her hands. Either she stays locked in, or she becomes a probable threat to the world.

Does she succumb to its demand? Or strive to uncover what's beneath the surface?

Adopting the second choice could cost her an enormous loss. One that could crush the soul.

First Impressions: 80/100
OMG, your way of describing things is absolutely amazing! As soon as I began reading this, I was absolutely astonished by your word choice! As you may already know, this section of your review will focus mainly on writing technique, and though your writing was absolutely beautiful, there are a few things that I need to point out.

Wording/Adjectives:
I mainly focused on the first chapter for this part, and there were a lot of times where it seemed your use of high-level words was quite confusing. First of all, this definitely isn't a book aimed for younger crowds. Even for me, it was kind of like reading a dictionary. I have a favorite saying when it comes to writing, and it's, "Why use big words no one can understand?" You may think I'm joking, but I'm not. Again, I love your use of adjectives and the like, but you need to pick and choose when you use these big words. And always make sure that you understand the meaning of these words and how to use them correctly. Another thing to remember with your choice of elegantly descriptive words, is that you must remain remotely consistent. I know I just told you to cut out some of the big words, but when I say that I don't mean go from saying effervescent to using words like cuz.

Ad an example, I've very slightly simplified the following sentence to give you an idea:

"In all my entire days counting, I'd thoroughly pondered my mother's reason for forcing me to engage in combat, and still not come to a conclusion.

See, it still sounds smart, but it's not as hard to understand.

Now, I'll move on to wording. Many, many, many of your sentences were extremely wordy. And when you use descriptions, remember not to make them so long taht they're boring. As an example, I’ve fixed some for you:

Fixed: "As a mint green couch—stationed with other furniture of the likes—engulfed the flesh of my body, I tossed one of the cheesy chips into my mouth.

Simplifying this sentence and others can help you better get your words across in a way that everyone can understand. The original version of this sentence required me to read it thrice to get the understanding, something that no one wants to have to do. Make sure to keep your sentences a little simpler, and make use of commas and em-dashes (— or --) to separate descriptions, and to remove unnecessary transition words, which ultimately improves your flow.

Constantly rereading and editing is the best way to improve issues like these. Get a friend to read over your book and help you find examples of over-wordiness and such. Different eyes catch different mistakes, and once you fix some of these mistakes, this will be a much more pleasant reading experience. 

Punctuation: It seems that throughout the first chapter, there were, a lot, of, unneeded/improperly, used, commas. Commas are used to separate different clauses, sets of descriptive phrases, or list things. You often had commas near the right place, but still in the wrong one.
For example:

Original: "...I enabled the shiny, silverware to circle round the brown, creamy coffee…

Fixed: "...I enabled the (shiny silverware) -or- (shiny, silver spoon) to circle 'round the brown, creamy coffee…

In this case, you should only use a comma when separating two adjectives. In the above example you have shiny silverware. Silverware is the noun, and shiny is the adjective. Since there is only one adjective, no comma is necessary. In the Fixed example you could use both the adjectives shiny and silver to describe the noun spoon. (Also, another quick tip is when you abbreviate around to 'round, remember the apostrophe) Another example is:

Original: "...plastered on the oddly, grey color-filled walls…

Fixed: "...plastered on the (oddly grey colored walls) -or- (odd, grey colored walls)...

Your version of this sentence has two contradicting adjectives. The way you have it worded sounds like you're saying the walls are oddly drab and grey, but also colorful at the same time. Choosing to change color-filled to colored helps point out that the walls are the color grey. And again, the comma after oddly isn't needed this time because it is an adverb. In my alternative fixing where you change it to just odd, you need a comma because both odd and grey are describing the wall.

Proper Capitalization:
Not really a major issue here, but I'd just like to give you a few reminders. When Talia addresses her mother as just 'mother,' it should be capitalized because in that instance, her mother's name/title is Mother. If you were to write my mother every time, there would be no need for the capitalization. The same goes for Aunt Elle. When you address her as Aunt, it should be capitalized because it is her title. But again, if you say my aunt, there's no need for capitalization because in that instance, aunt is merely a common noun, and not a proper one.

Dialogue:
In short, your dialogue is good. I personally love dialogue that chooses to show what they're saying, instead of ending the strings of words with said every time. You do a good job at this, but the few time you do use said or another speech word, you don't use proper punctuation. For example:

Original: "Let's have combat or your most priced possession is about to be shattered." she giggled.

Fixed: "...or your most prized (fix spelling) possession is about to be shattered," she giggled.

If 'she giggled' is the way that she said those words, then her dialogue should be ended with a comma rather than a period because the sentence isn't over. If 'she giggled' is the action she took after saying the words, than the sentence should actually be ended in a period, and the first letter of the following action should be capitalized. I've fixed another example to demonstrate:

Original: "This isn't some silly game." my eyes darted to the direction of…

Fixed: "This isn't some silly game." My eyes darted in the direction of…

Take note of this and go back and fix these errors present in most of your dialogue, and it will definitely benefit your story.

Further Analysis: 75/100
Purely based on the first chapter, I can already tell your story is already off to an all-over-the-place start. Your introduction to Talia's life is quite interesting, but I've yet to see how it ties into anything about the infamous Green Eyes. In my opinion, the story should almost immediately tie in to something mentioned in the blurb, and the only thing we're really getting is that Talia has never seen the real world. You never give us much context as to why that is, and it seems a bit odd that Talia is so curious of the outside world, but has never tried to escape. Then there's a fight between her and Jasmine, and then there's a mysterious figure at the door who, based on the way you described it, literally dissipates before Talia's eyes. Then her mother and aunt leave suddenly. In chapter two, Talia's sister sees the letter, Talia says not to say the word father—which is a little strange considering that it was previously mentioned that her mother's husband provides them with money (if her father and her mother's husband are two different men, perhaps you should let readers know)—then a perverted, drunken uncle shows up, and then Talia confronts her mother about the letter, something confusing about a grandmother is said, and they all start crying. As you can see by the way I've listed it above, your plot at the moment, is very much all over the place.

I'm order to improve your flow, some major changes need to be made. I suggest sitting down with your plot and first few chapters and really work on what needs to happen in your introduction, and how to introduce your conflict in a way that ties all these aspects together. You need to seriously solidify a plot line instead of having this jumble of events. Just to help you out, I've kind of sketched this out in my mind:

Keep the first chapter the same, with some improvements of course, because the sense of her never leaving the house and then the dark figure create a good sense of mystery from the beginning. Instead of her mother having left the house at all and the incident with perverted Diego (perhaps you can mention a little about him with your description of Aunt Elle), Jasmine and Talia simply overhear their mother and Elle discussing the death of their grandmother. Never having heard of her, they confront their mother, and during which, the attack on their family takes place.

I also heavily recommend that you revise, revise, and revise the entire invasion scene because, to be honest, I have zero idea what happened in it. It was very jumbled, almost like the tension Talia was facing forced you to rush this scene. Remember to take your time, and really really paint a picture with your scenes. And again, remember to take my advice about having a friend read over your work, one that can point out every mistake and every point where your story becomes confusing. 

The plot line and pace of your story really are the only real issues with this story so far. I reviewed the first three chapters for what I've written so far, and the idea of your story is very intriguing, I'd just like to see better execution of these ideas. I know that this story is also a work in progress, and you may be new to writing, so don't feel discouraged. You really have some great potential if you keep at it!

I love your characters so far, and I think the characteristics that your characters show are great from the start. The flow between paragraphs and sentences is structured well, and if you fix transitions between events to not be so sudden, you definitely get a 100 on flow.

Final Notes: 75/100
You truly have picture painting ability when it comes to writing, you just need to take a little time to put those pictures together into a working story. I really, really did enjoy reading what I did of your story, and can't wait to see what becomes of Green Eyes.

Thanks so much for letting me review your book! And LMK if you have any questions.

—Cyprus!