Title: Glass Shadows

Author: OnyxWriting

Genre: Fantasy

Chapters Read: 1 - 3

Title & Cover

Fantasy titles often have the fun job of being ambiguous, to give them a sort of mysterious vibe, and yours does just that! Not sure quite how it fits with the story yet, but... I'd guess it has to do with Evelyn being trapped in shadows, or darkness, but that darkness being breakable? Something like that xD Anyway, I like it.

Your cover is a little too dark to fully make out? I really like the broken glass effects and the silvery details, and the broken crowns are pretty cool, but the thing in the middle, beneath the title... I'm just not sure what it is xD It could be a lump of coal? Though I do like the overall effect of the cover and feel like it fits with the shadowy theme, and therefore fits with the title. Certainly intriguing!

Summary

When I first wrote this section (what, like, three months ago? Four? It's not good xD), you didn't really have a summary. It was just an excerpt and a list of words. Annoyingly, you've made a much better blurb, which means I have to rewrite this section. How dare you.

Joking, I promise xD I'm really happy that you've improved your summary. It really feels like it does the story justice now, unlike before. It gives off a nice fantasy vibe and gets across Evelyn's character, as well as summarising the plot quite nicely. It's a pretty good blurb.

I especially like the first line. I think you need a comma after Varsillia (shush, Pup, grammar comes later) but otherwise it's a cool hook. Combined with the second paragraph, and it's even cooler. You've got mystery nailed, and it has the right level of quirkiness to attract potential readers. Then we have our third paragraph, which has the tone just right and gets in our main plot point. So yes, the first half of the blurb is a big tick from this wolf.

The second half is slightly less strong, but I'm still a fan. And because I like it, I'm going to nitpick so I like it more xD

Firstly, this line:

... but for some reason, Evelyn believes the weight of everything rests on her shoulders.

It feels like a break in the tone for me, because knowing how bitter she is about it all, I'm not quite sure she does believe that -- at least not in the way it comes across. It might be better as:

... but Evelyn knows that the weight of everything will have to fall on her shoulders.

Maybe? I know it's only a slight change but it just flows better that way, to me.

The following paragraph is quite confusing to read, maybe because of the lack of punctuation to break up the sentence. Perhaps, to make it easier to read, you could rewrite it as:

At least, that's the plan. Until her life is invaded by a slew of very attractive friends.

I removed 'potential' as it felt like an extra unnecessary word, and also got rid of the lovers bit because it's already kind of implied by the fact she thinks of them as attractive, so doesn't necessarily need to be stated.

Final couple lines and we're back to the big tick. I just like cool metaphors too much xD Like I said, your summary is already really good. I just felt in the mood to suggest very small and deliberate changes.

Hook

Again, when I started writing this review, you had a prologue. That has since been removed, which I'm fairly pleased about because much of what I had written about it was basically me saying 'it doesn't feel necessary'. I'm still intrigued as to what it had to do with the main story, but the beginning you have now is a far better hook.

Usually, I like action-filled hooks to put the reader right in the middle of it instantly, but you do a really good job with a more descriptive hook which is (I think) harder to pull off well. The imagery is immersive, the situation is mysterious, and the way you weave in Evelyn's thoughts is just really interesting. It raises a lot of questions which aren't immediately answered (still haven't been, for a lot of them xD). You drew me in so well with that opening.

So yes, I approve. Though I guess technically, your epigraph could be classed as your hook? So I'll quickly address that. It does set up the tone well, and it did draw me in to a point, but like the prologue I'm not entirely sure it's necessary. To me, the epigraph feels more like a list of quotes/sayings, which -- while cool and the sort of thing I add to my pinterest boards -- don't really feel necessary. It doesn't set up any aspects of the story or plot. It does seem to hint as Evelyn's character, but it's too vague to really have an exact purpose. I understand if you want to keep it for effect, but from my point of view as a reader, it doesn't add much.

Maybe if you just picked one of the quotes and used it as a front page/part divider type chapter? I've seen single quotes with their own page at the start of published books before and that seems to work, but having this many might dilute the effect.

Characters

Evelyn is the only character I feel I've properly got to know, and I think your character building for her is excellent. I find I only really enjoy first person if the main character has a very strong voice, and Evelyn has just that. Her character shines through so well throughout everything. And she is such a fascinating person to see through the eyes of -- certainly unlike any MC I've seen before.

I really love how bitter and numb she feels about everything. In what I've read so far, there isn't a moment where she has a burst of strong emotion or anything like that, which fits with her character so well. Except for the flashback at the end of Chapter 3, of course, but even then it's only her past self that we see emotional. I really hope you keep that consistency up, because it is an interesting way to read things. I also like how her thoughts are so well interwoven with everything and her opinions come through so seamlessly -- enough that I feel just as much dislike for the place as she does xD

I'm also a huge fan of mystery and drip-fed backstory, and Evelyn has a whole bunch of that. We start off knowing literally nothing about her but gradually learn details and piece things together, and yet there's so much more I want to learn. Connecting dots is always fun and I'm doing my best to figure things out xD Even the flashback is so mysteriously vague and leaves me wanting more.

I guess we also get a feel for Lucas Wright's character in Chapters 1 & 2, so I'll cover him too. I am properly intrigued as to what his mother did to annoy Evelyn so much, though *eyes* But he does kind of seem like what Evelyn calls him -- used to being in charge, and pretty arrogant. But I guess we'll see. Maybe that's just the effect of Evelyn's PoV swaying me to believe how she portrays him, which just shows how strong her voice is with everything.

Writing Style

For the most part, I really like your style. It's heavily influenced by Evelyn's character, and because of that all of your descriptions are altered by her perspective, which is good. In terms of your imagery itself, I think it flows pretty well, and gives me a fairly detailed picture of everything. Moving into the third chapter, I feel like there could be a little more in-depth description -- of Varsillia, the meeting rooms, and the people Evelyn talks with -- as at times it is a little too minimalistic, but mostly you describe just enough without bombarding us with imagery. Super-detailed description probably wouldn't fit the tone you set with Evelyn. I don't think she cares enough.

One of the issues I have with your writing isn't so much to do with the words, and more your paragraphing. Now, I rant about the importance of paragraphs a lot (too much, probably), but usually that's at people who have large blocks of text that need breaking up. You seem to do the opposite. You have almost no larger paragraphs, with most being one or two sentences, particularly within Evelyn's thoughts. While I'm all for one-liners and shorter paragraphs used for effect, you do it so much that the effect wanes, and it starts to break up the flow of the story a little.

As a style, it works to a point, but I feel like there are several one-liners that would have just as much effect as the end of a paragraph as being on their own. It's not a major issue, but just be aware that it is okay to have longer paragraphs.

One minor thing to do with your description: I noticed you tend to repeat 'I see' quite a bit. It's one of those annoying little filler phrases that we can automatically end up using, but is actually unnecessary, because it's kind of implied that if there is description of a thing then the PoV character is seeing that thing. Of course, there are rare occasions when the phrase is needed for clarity, but most of the time the description would still make sense without it.

Overall, though, I think my main issue with your writing style is actually the amount of thought. Now, I've already said that I like the way Evelyn's character and her thoughts come through, and that is certainly true for the first chapter, but as the story continues... it can get a little tiresome. I mostly noticed this as a problem in the third chapter -- the reason why being more to do with what happens, which I'll get to later -- but in the second chapter, there is also a feel of Evelyn's thoughts overwhelming the chapter.

Sometimes, as a reader, I just want to be immersed in a scene without knowing every detail of what the main character is thinking. Yes, I do like the way Evelyn analyses Lucas throughout their conversation and picks her words carefully, and it's fun having her explain her thought process, but be careful not to focus so much on those aspects that you don't give other parts of the story the same depth. For example, we have a lot of thought in Chapter 2, but get next to no description of Galen or Evelyn's surroundings as she leaves the cell.

In addition, as the thoughts continued, I realised I was being told the same information again. Her not caring about anything, her not wanting to be like her father, Lucas being a stereotypical Wright... just be careful of becoming repetitive. It ends up breaking the flow and your lovely impatient Wattpad readers might get fed up with it xD

I'm being harsh. I like her thoughts. Just don't overdo it.

On the theme of repeated things, here's a particularly obvious section I couldn't help but notice, during Evelyn's flashback in Chapter 3:

I don't want to, a natural death has never occured in my family, I don't want him to get hurt.

And then, a few paragraphs later:

The words of my mother play through my head: natural deaths never occur in this family, be wary my child.

See the obvious echo? I don't think there's anything else this blatantly repeated, but still look out for it. Yes, sometimes readers need to be reminded of things -- we (I) can be rather forgetful -- but not this close together.

But that's enough of that. Stop! Grammar time! *applauds self for incredible pun*

Uh, anyway, moving on. You don't have a huge number of grammatical issues, but there are two I want to address.

Firstly, dialogue tags. Now, this is something a lot of people seem to struggle with, so it's nothing to worry about, but it is something easy fixed. The basic rules are that if dialogue is followed by a dialogue tag (I say, she whispers, he shouts etc.) then the dialogue should finish with a comma. If dialogue is followed by an action tag (I step forward, he smirks, she shrugs etc.) or thought/description (like 'my words are all false bravado') then the dialogue should end with a full stop. If you need more details, there's a couple chapters in the Dreamland Guide Book about them that you can refer to.

Secondly, run-ons. There aren't many, though they grow more frequent. In case you're not sure, a run-on is where you basically merge two sentences, usually by using a comma where there should be a full stop. We'll take that Chapter 3 line from earlier as an example:

I don't want to, a natural death has never occured in my family, I don't want him to get hurt.

This is actually three sentences, all strung together with a comma. If you read it aloud, you'll probably see that those commas require longer pauses. As it is at the moment, the line is too fluid and the words run into each other. Instead, it should be:

I don't want to. A natural death has never occured in my family. I don't want him to get hurt.

Alternatively, you could use a semicolon for the last two sentences. That's probably what feels most natural to me, as they sort of relate to each other:

I don't want to. A natural death has never occured in my family; I don't want him to get hurt.

You could also change things up so that you connect those two together with 'and' while keeping the comma, but you can probably see from those two altered lines how much better it reads. The first sentence especially, as it stands out and has a little more impact on its own.

There were a few more examples of this, especially in Chapter 3, so just have a look out for them. If you're not sure which sort of pause is required, try reading the line aloud and see what length sounds natural. A shorter pause and you're good with a comma, but otherwise it's a run-on.

There were also maybe two instances in which you changed to past tense? But I'm guessing that was more of a typo than a real issue. Along with the grammar above, it's all things you can fix when you come to edit.

Plot

I'm liking it so far! I'm unsure of where the story is going, but that's probably a good thing, as it means it isn't predictable. To be honest, I'm mostly interested in looking into the past and why Evelyn is the way she is rather than what is actually going on at present, with the war and all that. Her backstory is so mysterious and I'm excited to discover more about her, because she's clearly a unique and special character. What happened to the rest of Evelyn's family? Are they like gods/goddesses? What exactly is the history between her and the Wrights? So many questions xD

As of now, I can't really see how anyone could become her friend or lover as suggested by the summary, but I suppose I'll discover that if I carry on reading. She'll probably need a bit of character development before she starts caring enough to fall in love with anyone xD

The worldbuilding is also pretty cool so far. I'm definitely intrigued to learn more about Varsillia and its house system, as well as how having these other worlds/dimensions works as mentioned in Chapter 3. I'm a fantasy fanatic and new world systems are always exciting to me. If anything, I want to see them shine a little more, especially in Chapter 3, because right now it's all a little vague. But I suppose it's early in the book and I can't expect to be shown every corner of the world just yet.

In terms of the ordering/happening of events... Well, I'll address each chapter individually.

Chapter 1 I like. It sets up the tone, and as I said in the Hook section the description provided is quite gripping. Then Lucas Wright enters, and we get more of a look into what might be going on. It ends with a cliffhanger. I'm on board. I'm jumping to the next chapter.

Chapter 2 I mostly like. It could have easily been merged with Chapter 1, but I understand your choice to separate them. We get our crackling dialogue between the two, lots of tension, and I'm still pretty hooked. I will say though: I felt like Evelyn changed her mind on helping Varsillia a little too quickly. She went from 'how can you even dare ask me for help' to 'sure, I'll help you' within the space of a few, short paragraphs. I know it wasn't quite that extreme, but you get what I mean. It might work better if you made her realise what she could get out of helping them more gradually, rather than it hitting her like a sudden realisation and changing her perspective immediately. The same goes for Lucas agreeing to take her chains off, to a certain extent. Don't be afraid to make that conversation last a little longer, to give it full room to breathe.

Chapter 3... It seems to lose its way. Having been in the middle of a tense scene between two characters, and then right at the end having a dragon show up (dragons are too cool, pay Galen more attention please xD) the transition to this chapter felt a little flat. Once again, we're thrown into Evelyn thinking about things -- again, interesting, but this is the third chapter in a row that has started with her thinking.

The further issue is that this trend continues. We get the short scene with the Spector, and then the flashback at the end, but otherwise the rest of the chapter is just Evelyn thinking and telling us things. We get our main worldbuilding details just through her stating things. I'd rather have these things described, and get to properly experience them, rather than just being told they exist.

The line that really got me the most was just before the scene break:

In fact I was meeting with one of my Spector now.

It really took me out of the story. If it hadn't been clear before, it gives away that the entire first quarter of this chapter wasn't part of any specific scene, and that nothing has been happening.

What would work better is if we were thrown right into a scene. Perhaps the meeting with the Spector, or even one of her many other meetings in which you could show what she is saying -- that no-one has any plans, that they're useless -- so that we as readers really get a feel for the situation. That would also offer a good contrast if she then moved into another room and had the meeting with Val. It would be so much more immersive and a lot less tell-y.

In the second half of the chapter, you could do the same sort of refurbishing. We're told she's been visiting Galen -- why can't she actually visit him within the chapter? We're told she's been having meetings with Lucas -- I want to see this happening. We're told about her palace -- why can't she actually go there, and have imagery of what it's like? The biggest one is the scene with Draven, which is almost a scene but again, we're told about it rather than experiencing it. I'm not even sure who Draven is, or if he knows Evelyn, or anything. He's just mentioned and then we're into flashback time.

Elaborating on all of this might add to the word count, but it'll be much more interesting to read. Personally, though you don't have to listen to me, I'd start the chapter with a council meeting, move to the Spector meeting within the same scene, then have a scene break and either have Evelyn visiting Galen and walk out only to run into Draven and have that interaction, or just be thrown into straight into the argument. Then he leaves, and she's walking about, trying to cool off, when the flashback hits. You can maybe mention her mansion(s) while she's with Galen, or just leave it for later, when you can do it justice. Similar for Lucas Wright.

Of course, it's your story, but something like that would just flow so much better. Experiencing scenes is way more enjoyable than being told about them afterwards.

Overall Thoughts

I really did enjoy reading and reviewing this. I apologise for how long it's taken -- I promise, it had nothing to do with not wanting to write this review xD Blame me for not managing my time well and losing energy when I actually had time.

But anyway, from what I've read, Glass Shadows is a great book! It's unique, particularly in the kind of character Evelyn is, and because of that it's fascinating to read. This was another one of those books where I got kind of nitpicky because it feels so close to being amazing, but is just missing a few key things, and I'm desperate to fix them because I want this book to live up to the huge potential it has.

I think the thing I love most is the overall vibe. Yes, I'm going with vibe for lack of a better word xD I really vibed with the mystery and intrigue in this book, and that is a very technical reviewer thing to say. Definitely.

Good luck with all your writing in the future! :D