Emergence written by AdityaParab004

i. COVER & TITLE

I do like this cover quite a bit, and I think it has a lot of essential elements. However, I think the fonts could be improved upon to give this cover that spark and to make the words easier to read. A cover designer could probably figure out a solution for these problems better than I could, which is why I keep a big list of them in my reading list!

I like your title too. I think it tells us everything we need to know about this story while still maintaining some originality (which is difficult with fanfiction).

ii. BLURB

As always, I don't recommend putting a scene in your blurb. I think it wastes space, but in this instance I think it works fine. Since this is a story most people already know, the info blurb you have at the bottom would be redundant and not quite as captivating as an original scene from your book. However, the scene you've chosen lacks any true interest, and it's sort of a scene we all already know. I'd challenge you to find a scene in your book that might fit here better.

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i. PUNCTUATION

You have pretty good punctuation use, but I would like to draw your attention to some comma mistakes. Often, you use commas before words like 'because', 'before' and 'as' where you shouldn't. Here's an example:

'Peter watched his go round the vehicle, before opening the door for his mother and then for him.'

Since all of that is one clause, you shouldn't have that comma in there. Sometimes, you do need commas before these words, but most of the time, you don't. If you're not sure, Grammarly will (MOST) of the time correct it for you. Or, you could go through these instances yourself and note what is one clause and what is another, and if they require separation by a comma in the event that they are two clauses.

Another problem is that you use commas a bit too much, and sometimes in places where another form of punctuation would be more effective:

'Peter smiled, somewhere deep inside, he knew, would love to live here.'

Corrected: 'Peter smiled. Somewhere deep inside, he knew he would love to live here.'

ii. TYPOS

You have quite a few typos, and they take away from the overall feel of your story. I recommend downloading Grammarly, or getting text-to-speech and catching the mistakes that way.

iii. DIALOGUE

1. Definitions: There are two ways to indicate which character is talking. There are dialogue tags and there are action tags. To understand dialogue, it's important to know the difference. Dialogue tags are anything that indicates who is talking by describing or detailing how they are speaking (he screamed, she whispered, I asked). Action tags also indicate who is talking, but they only use actions to do so (he grinned, she raised an eyebrow, I blinked). Some verbs can be used as both, such as 'he groaned.' If you want to say he said something in a groan, it's a dialogue tag. If you want to say he said something and then he groaned, it's an action tag.

2. Dialogue tag preceding or following a spoken sentence: In this case, the beginning of the spoken sentence is always capitalized and if your dialogue tag is after, then you end the spoken sentence with a comma and begin the dialogue tag with a lowercase. If the dialogue tag comes before, then you place a comma after the dialogue tag and begin the spoken sentence with a capital.

Examples:

"Hello," he said. OR He said, "Hello."

3. Dialogue tag in the middle of two spoken sentences: In this case, you have two options. You can a) pick a sentence and attach the dialogue tag to that using the above rules, or b) make it all one sentence, therefore ending the dialogue tag with a comma and beginning the spoke sentence with a lowercase.

Examples:

"Hello," he said. "It's nice out today." OR "Hello." He said, "It's nice out today." OR "Hello," he said, "it's nice out today."

4. Dialogue tags following or preceding special punctuation: Whenever you have an exclamation mark, question mark or a noun that must be capitalized, the rules do not change for dialogue tag punctuation.

Examples:

"Hello," I said. OR "Hello?" she asked.

5. Action tags in writing: In this case, you follow the regular rules of writing and end the spoken sentence with a period and begin the action tag with a capital.

Examples:

"Hello." He grinned. OR He grinned. "Hello."

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i. VOICE

I think your biggest flow problem is in your tense. You often switch from present tense verbs to past tense verbs, which makes for a pretty bumpy read. Just remember to pick one: either present tense verbs that are usually ending with -s like 'jumps, slides, says' or past tense verbs that usually end with -ed like 'jumped, talked, crouched.'

In addition, you use mostly passive voice. Passive voice is slighty hard to explain, but it's basically a way of writing that puts the object as the subject. It usually involves the word 'was' and it doesn't give writing that sense of a flowing story. Two examples here:

'The doorbell was rung.'

'The door was opened.'

To fix these up, put the object back as the object, and introduce a subject:

'Peter's father rung the doorbell.'

'Peter's uncle opened the door for them.'

This feels a bit more like a story, and most writers and readers agree passive voice isn't the way to go. If you want to slow down your story a bit, or imply that your character might feel a bit helpless, passive voice can be a very helpful tool. But be careful how much you use it and what it does to the tone of your story.

ii. PACING

I think you do a decent job of pacing, but sometimes I feel like the story is being dragged on a bit. Occasionally, I see parts of the story that don't add anything to the plot and don't further characterization, and therefore don't need to be in the story. For example, the goodbyes in the prologue lasted so long, that I began to lose my affection for these characters and just hope they'll move on soon so we can get to the more exciting parts. This problem can usually be rectified by going through your story and reading it out loud. If you find parts just taking too long, it might be worth it to take em out.

0 7 / 1 0

i. CHARACTERS

Sometimes, I find that your descriptions are a tad on the physical side, and not enough on the emotional side. That is, we know what your characters look like, but we're not entirely sure who they are. Some tips:

1. Spread out your descriptions.

They should be over pages. I've had descriptions that are spread out over hundreds of words. They should be mixed with emotional description and dialogue and other things.

2. Mix two physical descriptions with one emotional description

ex: hair colour, eye colour, the sound of their voice.

ex: nose shape, length of hair, how they make the MC feel.

ii. SCENES

I like your scene description, but I find that like many other authors, you forget scene description once you delve into dialogue. Splitting up dialogue with scene description that feels natural is often an effective way to slow down pacing or even speed it up by not including a block of description at the beginning. Something to think about.

0 8 / 1 0

i. PLOT

I know this is a fanfiction, but I don't see virtually any deterrence from the actual plot of the original Spider-man story. I know that you're probably writing a fanfiction because you like the plot of Spider-man, but it's important to put your own original spin on a story you love, rather than just rewrite it with no changes. Perhaps your story veers off a bit more in the later chapters, but from what I read, I don't see any originality.

ii. TONE

I find your tone simple and easy to read, which is always a good thing, but I don't particularly find anything unique about it. Is there any way you could experiment with your tone? Perhaps adding in metaphors, maybe some abstract descriptions, stories, or anything to that effect? Any unique words you could utilize? Some things to think about!

0 6 / 1 0

I think this story is written in a fun and simple way, but I don't see a lot of originality in the plot or tone (the plot could change as the book progresses, though). I think there is some potential for the cover to be cleaned up and the blurb to have a better passage, but overall this is a story with a lot of potential!

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