Einia

ericson119

Initial Impression: (cover, title & blurb)

I immediately liked your cover. However, as always, there are places to improve. I think you can increase the interest of your cover. For one, try thinking of a subtitle to add or consider putting your pen name on the cover. This gives people more to look at and gauge. As for subtitles, maybe 'that day was annihilation' or something like that? Just to spice it up. However, I like the picture and the font. But I would recommend going to my reading list and checking out some of the cover shops there. You can ask for the same picture, even.

I didn't understand your title when I looked at just the initial impression, because nothing in your blurb says anything about Einia. I think this could be considered a bad move. Mysterious titles are good, but it's nice to know something about your title or connect it somehow to your story. After reading a couple chapters of your story, I am equally confused. What is Einia? I might've somehow missed it?

As for your blub, I don't recommend keeping that disclaimer at the top. I actually would suggest taking it out as a whole. People are less likely to read your book with that disclaimer, especially considering it's the first thing they see. Your editing is not that bad. You don't need that there, in my opinion. I'd take it out or at least put it at the bottom. As for the content of your blurb, I think you have the right info in the wrong order. Below, I've cleaned up the blurb as well as restructured it and took out info that I found didn't need to be in there:

That day was Annihilation.

With the arrival of a doomed meteorite into the Somerit Sea–the vast and barren ocean in the centre of three continents–came forth a disastrous roar of energy and untamed chaos that plunged the world into obscure anarchy.

With it befell tidal waves, hurricanes, tornadoes and other catastrophic weather.

But natural disasters were not the only issue.

The meteorite granted people unworldly abilities. Those who could not endure the meteorite's energy died or were mutated in a mass massacre known by the foreboding name, Brightshades.

That day was Annihilation.

So here I've dramatically shortened and tried to clean up your blurb. I also added that repetition from beginning to end, but I think you should add in your title somehow in there. This is just a suggestion. You're welcome to use exactly this or edit it in any way you feel. You can of course keep your original blurb, but I'd recommend restructuring it.

9/15

Logistics: (grammar, spelling & dialogue)

As for grammar, I was impressed with most of your ability to string together easy sentences. However, you have a problem with unnecessary commas. Example one, from chapter one (Genesis):

'The only thing that fills the space, is a wide, rusty table in the middle of the room with two metal chairs on each side.'

That first comma shouldn't be in there (in between 'space' and 'is'. It clunks up the writing and it is dependant, so no comma is needed.

And example two, also from chapter one (Genesis):

'She sits down, and comfortably puts one leg over the other.'

So in each clause, you need a subject and verb to make it independent, and therefore so you can put a comma before a conjunction such as 'and'. Look at the second part of that sentence: it has the verb (the action), but it has no subject (the person you are talking about), as it is dependant on the first part of the sentence to recognize the subject, 'she'. You have two options to correct this. Option one, take out the comma:

'She sits down and comfortably puts one leg over the other.'

Or, you could add the subject in the second clause to keep the comma:

"She sits down, and she comfortably puts one leg over the other.

I'd recommend the first option. It's cleaner. For the most part, your grammar is otherwise flawless. You have a few awkward sentences, but you said that you were editing, so I have faith those will be fixed with ease.

I don't find a lot of mistakes in your writing, so that's awesome! I think you've done a good job of either editing or being careful while you write. Of course, there's a typo here and there, but those are simply fixed.

You don't have dialogue tags, so I don't have anything to say based on those. But I will say that sometimes you have a lot of dialogue with not a lot of action. I have trouble picturing how these characters are speaking in my mind because there isn't any explanation along with it. Consider adding some of that to break up the dialogue.

11/15

Story Flow: (transitions & pacing)

I think your transitions are nearly flawless, but I do have some ideas to clean up the format of your story. Most of the scripts I've read still include double quotations around the spoke words, which I think clears up when speaking is being done. I also think the dashes you have at the beginning and ending of actions chunk up the writing. You don't ever put periods at the end of those sentences because you have the dashes, and I don't think that's a good move. If you're going to put the dashes, I'd recommend putting the periods, too. A sentence without a period is not a proper sentence.

As for pacing, you seem to work well with the form you're using. Sometimes things are a bit abrupt, but I think it's nothing to worry about based on your style.

With that being said, your chapters are extremely long. I'm an advocate for making chapters natural in length and ending them when they feel relative to the story, but I think that yours are too long. I understand you have a longer type of format, but there were place where I thought you could split up the story and you didn't. On Wattpad, shorter chapters are safer, but I usually don't follow that either. I find I can get a decent sweet spot in the 2500-3500 words range. Yours felt much longer. I'd be curious to know how many words you actually have in a chapter and how much of that long-ness is related to simply the formatting. Either way, I'd reconsider the length of your chapters. If you believe it to be necessary for the story, then keep it the way it is.

7/10

Description: (characters & scenes)

So this type of story is a little out of my comfort zone. I usually discourage info-dumping in descriptions, such as putting height, eye colour, hair colour and other details all in one sentence. But in script-like stories, it's common to info-dump like that. You have to be smooth with it if you're going to info dump. Let's look at your description of the young man introduced in chapter one:

'...she looks forward, clears her throat, and smiles warmly at the young, tan skinned man with short, slightly wavy, slightly spiky, light brown hair in front of her.'

So that's...a lot. I would usually say don't info-dump like this, but in this instance I'm just going to advise you to clean that up in terms of sentence structure. Just rework it, so it doesn't feel like we're getting so much information. I've done my best to clean it up below. First, I took out the oxford comma because I hate those. Second, I split up the sentence so it doesn't run like it did before

'...she looks forward, clears her throat and smiles warmly at the young man in front of her. He has tan skinned that almost matches his slightly wavy but also slightly spiky hair.'

I've also taken out the 'light brown', because tanned means like brown, so I thought it would be cleaner to put that together. I think this description is easier to read. You could add back in the oxford comma and put another one in the sentence if you prefer it, but I'm a comma minimalist.

As for your character development, I think it's quite good. Each new character is excitingly vivid. The way the characters talk and look greatly produce their overall image. I was ver impressed with the beginning chapter and how you painted the young man out to be a little audacious, sarcastic and annoyed.

Most of these characters already know each other, so I was really able to assess how well you develop relationships between new characters.

I think your scene description is rather perfect. You have very few awkward sentences in those descriptions, and you do a wonderful job of introducing smell, taste and sight, as well as other senses. I found myself full immersed in the places you wanted me to be.

7/10

Originality: (plot & tone)

Your plot is a bit hard to follow. I found myself a little confused at times and having to re-read. But that could be because I don't read stories like this often. Maybe just look at that from an outside perspective and try to decide if it's my inexperience with this type of writing or if it is a bit hard to follow.

As for the plot itself, I find myself sufficiently intrigued. I like the plot twist in the first chapter, that the man and woman are actually together. I hadn't really expected that, but I see the clues you put in ahead of time. That's pretty good writing. The plot seems unique at this point and fast moving. I like the action, it's clear and easy to understand.

Your tone is quite nice because it's so concise. There is very little emotion in it. I like that. It's easy to read. During action, I find it super fun. It's exciting. You write that very well.

9/10

Final Comments:

I like the description of your scenes, and the unique tone that you write in. Your characters are all developed and vivid. You have some issues with the flow of your story, and you struggle with commas (but, let's be honest, who doesn't?). The occasional info-dump and award sentence structure can take away from your unique plot. Editing is definitely necessary to make this story even better, but what you have is already developing quite nicely.

Final score:

43/60