Dofia Forever written by Oofchicken896

i. COVER & TITLE

I like that your cover is representative, but it's a bit messy. It has good aspects, but the font is very small and there are white spaces that would look better covered up. I would recommend seeing what you can do to pick just one or two pictures that fit, and then making the font bigger.

The title--although very generic--is good for your story. It represents that it's fanfiction, and that's a good thing. However, there is potential for you to make it a bit more intriguing. Is there anything else in your book that might work? Any big concepts or ideas that might better fit the title?

ii. BLURB

I like how short your blurb is, but it lacks some clarity. I'd recommend shortening some of your sentences and putting a bit more information for readers to understand. As is, your blurb is a little confusing and very short--you definitely could add more about the characters and what exactly will happen to them in your book. I'd also recommend reading your blurb out loud and applying some of the tips I provide in the next section.

0 7 / 1 5

You have logistical errors that affect the clarity of your story. Luckily, you're at the point where most of these mistakes are easy fixes. Let's go over a few:

Periods are vital. You don't use many. Periods allow the reader to take a breath. Your sentences are a couple hundred words long, which are hard for a reader to follow. A lack of periods in your book leads to a lot of run-on sentences, and a lot of confusion. Make sure that you type a period every time you would have to take a breath.

Be careful of overusing 'and'. 'And' is a really helpful word in writing, but it looks messy if it's overused. 'And' is a powerful conjunction, but it's not the only way to include something. Try using other synonyms or adding in those periods to take out some of this repetition here.

Separate your paragraphs. This goes hand-in-hand with the period recommendation. Your paragraphs are very long, so they end up mushing altogether. If you separate them, it'll make your story more manageable. Ideally, every new line of dialogue should be a new paragraph!

Try to be consistent. Currently, you use a lot of different methods in your dialogue, using a lot of different punctuation. Whatever you decided to do, try to make sure you stay consistent in your choice. Your readers will appreciate it.

0 5 / 1 5

i. PACING

I like that your story doesn't drag, but you have to be careful about how fast it moves. I found your pacing quite fast, so I was struggling to keep up. You move on from one event to the next so quickly, without a lot of prose, so your readers don't have a lot of time to truly imagine or immerse themselves in the scene.

ii. TRANSITIONS

Along with your pacing, you transition from POVs to scenes quite fast, leaving us readers rushing to keep up. In addition, I don't find an overall 'arc' to your chapters. Each chapter should have a story of its own: try to start in a captivating way, and end on a note that feels like its final. Think of what we've learned about the characters and their goals in this chapter, and think of a way to summarize that in the end. Some of your chapters ended in the middle of a sentence, and that can be pretty jarring.

iii. SENTENCE STRUCTURE

Most of your sentences are structured the same way in your story, which doesn't really help your overall flow. I have a few tips to improve your sentence structure:

Use punctuation. Use a comma, a period, a semicolon or even try out a dash.

Flip up your word choice. Try to use synonyms so you avoid repetition. You use the word 'so' quite a bit, and you'll often repeat words a couple of times in a sentence.

Change your word order. You often use the sentence structure of your subject, then your verb immediately after. Think of ways to switch up this order or add in some descriptive words to spread out your verbs.

Split or combine sentences. If a sentence is choppy, combine it with something else. If a run-on just won't work, split it up.

0 4 / 1 0

i. CHARACTERS

I can see the effort you've put into your characters, and I can tell you care greatly about how they're perceived. I like all the physical descriptions you give your characters, but you have to be careful about giving us too much. For example, you described Dove's tattoos for a long time. It might be worth going back and checking if all that information was completely necessary to her overall character, and what it did to the plot. In addition, try adding in some description about your character's personalities and tendencies instead of just their appearance.

ii. SCENES

I like how you create scenes, but they lack detail. You will occasionally provide us with one sense to work with, and it's mostly the visual one. Try to think of ways you could describe what's happening in a more unique way--think about how you could add in other senses like taste, touch or hearing. They'll make your story feel more real!

0 5 / 1 0

i. PLOT

It's hard to judge the plot of a fanfiction in terms of originality, but I do see very simple things happening in your plot. Simple conversations, simple actions. There's not much happening that really grabs our attention. In addition, the fast-paced nature of your plot makes it hard to see what the plot is collectively leading to. Your plot feels very linear--that is, one thing leads to another in a very simple way. The characters don't seem to experience much conflict, which makes for a little bit of a flat story. Try thinking of some things your characters could experience that would help their personalities develop a bit. However, I like how the character interact with each other thus far.

ii. TONE

As much as simplicity thrives on Wattpad, I think your tone is a bit too simple. We don't see a lot of metaphors or other strong tools that help a story become intriguing. I would recommend looking into ways you can improve your tone--practicing writing different scenes. See what you want in your head, and try your best to convey that to your readers. Show us the sides of your characters that are interesting--sass, sarcasm or anger. Things that you would feel day to day, and try to replicate that in your characters.

0 5 / 1 0

There are a lot of places for this story to improve,  but they are basic changes that will drastically improve the clarity of your story. I think you could do with repeated practice and attempting to provide depth to your story and the characters. Try to fix up your cover and blurb in order to draw in more readers, and try to learn as much as you can about punctuation and how to make your writing as clear as possible. 

2 6 / 6 0