Diaries of a Fighter written by BLTNANOX

i. COVER & TITLE

Although your cover is crisp and representative of the story, it lacks a spark that covers need to have. I think changing the fonts and adding in some manipulation will do the right thing for it. I would recommend sending your current cover to a designer and seeing what they can do for you.

As for your title, I have no problems with it. It's unique enough and draws me in while still giving me some insight to the story. 

ii. BLURB

Your blurb is short and tells us all we need to know. But there is one problem with it--it doesn't hold any drama, and it doesn't exactly tell us a story. Your blurb has the feeling of academic writing rather than creative writing. To add that spark, you need to break up the paragraphs and add in some drama. You can add in more to your blurb because it's nice and short so far. But with that being said, your blurb has everything essential in it--this is just me seeing what I can do for it: (I never learned your MC's name beyond the letter 'N')

What does it take to be the best fighter in the world?

For N, it takes an adventure into the dark and occasionally bizarre world of Japanese fighting organizations. It takes a journey through love, hate, brutality, otherworldly beings and heartbreakingly hard decisions. Not much is clear, but one thing is: The life of a fighter is never easy.

But then again, nothing worth fighting for is ever easy.

This blurb is broken up a bit more, which is easier for readers to focus on and feel comfortable with. It also has the signature one-liner to start and end as I always recommend. This blurb is very general, so if you feel as though you want to add more specific details in, you can definitely get away with an extra sentence or two.

1 2 / 1 5

i. GRAMMAR

PROBLEM #1: THE COMMA (sorry)

You've got a few comma errors. More often than not, you use a comma when it is unnecessary to do so. I'd like to bring your attention to these few terms so we can better understand how this works:

An independent clause is a part of a sentence that makes sense on its own.

A dependent clause is a part of a sentence that relies on an independent clause to make sense.

With this in mind, the two rules I'd like to show you is as follow:

1. Dependent clause, independent clause

Example: With a lot of difficulty, I completed the hike.

Explanation: Completing the hike is independent because it makes sense on its own. Therefore, you can make it its own sentence. The difficulty at which it was completed must refer to the hike. Therefore, it is dependent because it could not make sense as its own sentence. When a dependent clause comes before an independent clause, put a comma in between. You don't usually struggle here.

2. Independent clause dependant clause

Example: I completed the hike with a lot of difficulty.

Explanation: Again, these are the same clauses from before. When an independent clause comes before a dependent clause, there is no need to put a comma. This is where you struggle the most.

Examples from your book:

"I didn't fit in at the beginning; most of the gym members were rough individuals, who hoped fighting would one day bring them fame and money."

So above, you have the semicolon correct there, but the comma is incorrect. That's because the first clause (most of the gym members were rough individuals) is independent, and the second clause (who hoped fighting would one day bring them fame and money) is dependent. Looking at the second rule above, this calls for no comma between the two clauses. I hope that makes sense.

 "I was a young punk, with a couple years of experience in amateur and semi-professional rings and a hell of an attitude."

Same case as above. The first clause (I was a young punk) is independent, and the second clause (with a couple years of experience...) is dependent, therefore, no comma is placed between the two clauses.

PROBLEM #2: THE DASH

Your dashes are...sort of correct. This is how you use them:

I didn't know how to -- I couldn't do this.

So that's the em dash, but it hasn't been elongated. I'm typing this here on Wattpad, so the dash doesn't elongate automatically where programs like word and google docs will. It works like this: type the last letter before the dash use no space, then type the dash, use no space, then type the next letter. It will look like this before it elongates:

I didn't know how to--I couldn't do this.

But copying and pasting in from word (where you should write all your chapters before pasting them into Wattpad for a variety of reasons), it will look like this:

I didn't know how to—I couldn't do this.

Above is the correct em dash for all your writing needs, including the dash in the middle of the sentence as well as the dash used when dialogue is interrupted. However, the other dash (-) is used in words like height (five-two) and conjunction words. That is not the em dash. Ok. Dash talk over.

PROBLEM #3: THE SEMICOLON

You don't always use the semicolon correctly. The semicolon is meant to separate independent yet still related clauses. This means that a semicolon can always be replaced by a period (the clauses make sense when divided). So a semicolon can always be a period, but a period cannot always be a semicolon.

'I love to fish; I make a great fillet.'

These two sentences are related but still standalone. Semicolon there!

'I love to fish. I run a really fast mile.'

Those are also standalone, but they don't relate. So just a period there.

Examples from your book:

'This fight was important for him as well; probably his last chance to make a comeback and stay in professional waters.'

That second clause is not independent. So you have two options: one, turn the semicolon into a dash, or make the second clause independent and keep the semicolon, like so:

'This fight was important for him as well; this was probably his last chanceto make a comeback and stay in professional waters.'

Make sense? Ok. Moving on.

0 9 / 1 5

i. INFO-DUMPING

The biggest problem with your flow is the amount of info-dumping you do. In the first chapter, we learn everything we need to know about our main character. There are a few reasons to avoid this sort of thing. For one, it ends up reading out like a lecture rather than a story. And two, it overwhelms us. We're getting too much info all at once that we can't remember. And lastly, it really does erase the mystery and intrigue of the story. Give us the details a little at a time--that creates a story that people want to continue.

ii. TRANSITIONS

The transition from chapter one to chapter two was good, but it threw me a little. You started out with an explanation, but somewhere along the way it became a story. It was a little startling to realize that what we were in was no longer the prologue-type beginning, but rather the actual story. That being said, you have excellent ways of moving from chapter to chapter with ease, and you start each paragraph with a different word and don't have a habit of repeating.

0 8 / 1 0

i. CHARACTERS

I like your characters, and they all seem a little different, but you don't describe them much. There are three kinds of description in my mind when it comes to characters:

a) physical description--perhaps the least important. Some readers require this, some don't. Some readers hate reading hoards of physical description, some need it or they'll stop reading. I gave up long ago trying to cater to both audiences. If you're a descriptive person and want readers to imagine someone specific, include lots of this. If you're not, just give the bare minimum.

ex: He had blue hair, brown eyes and wavy hair.

b) personality description--the second most important. This is required. The description of a personality (kindness, anger) those things are essential to creating a unique character. You have a bit of this, but you need more in my opinion. 

ex: He was kind, quiet and sophisticated.

c) emotional description--the most important! Emotional description is like personality description, but it's less obvious. It's more unique and readers love it. It describes the way a character speaks or acts, and then it draws conclusions to the personality or even the physical description. 

ex: She always spoke quietly in conversation in order to force others to listen.

Do you see the difference? I think you could use more of all three categories. But when you're deciding what to put in, remember which of these three is the most and least important.

Also, because I just can't let it go--I don't think you should use exact heights. You say our MC is 182cm, which is so specific. I think if you really want to include this somewhere, do it where they measure him or put him in a category one time. Actual heights are messy, disrupt flow, and are confusing for a lot of readers. Most Americans have virtually no clue what 180cm is and actually a lot of Canadians don't, either. And even though you may be gearing to a different audience, it's better to just gear to everyone and say he's not so tall for the Dutch, but pretty tall in Japan. (As someone who is around 180cm and also travelled to Japan, I can confirm this fact.)

ii. SCENES

You tell a story in almost a past-past tense. Which is that you're telling a prologue, or events that happened before the story that you will eventually tell in past tense. That makes it very difficult to add in scene description, but it also makes scene description less important. Either way, when you get to your current part of the story, make sure to assess where you can add in some sights, smells, tastes and other things.

0 7 / 1 0

i. PLOT

I like your plot. I think it's an interesting, exciting story of something heartbreaking and yet also inspiring. Wattpad consists of a lot of chicklit and a lot of fantasy, so I like how yours avoid both of those genres in favour of something a little deeper. I think there are some serious lessons and things to learn from your main character and his experiences. I think your plot is original and exciting--and well-excuted. No problems here!

ii. TONE

I absolutely love your tone! You have originality in it, and you have a cool down-to-earth voice. I think it fits well with the smoothness and literally aspects of your writing. (I like ur metaphors). I think your MC's outlook is relatable and understandable, and we all feel for him as he goes through these first few chapters. Excellent, exciting tone.

0 7 / 1 0

This story comes off a little like every other story on Wattpad, but it doesn't seem to turn out that way with a little bit of reading. I think fixing up your blurb and grammar issues will smoothen your story to a wider audience. You could do with improving your descriptive aspects and making your characters just a tad more vivid, but your plot and tone are inspiring and relatable. This was a fun story to read!

4 3 / 6 0