Circus of Longing written by daydreamingatnight19

i. COVER & TITLE

I like the colours and the font of your cover, but there isn't much else to look at beyond that. The leaf-life design is cool, but there's a lot of empty space, and your subtitle is really small. The rule with covers usually is to either make the writing big enough to cover the whole cover, or add in some sort of object-based design. I would recommend sending your current colour scheme to a designer and sorting out a plan to make your cover a little deeper. I have a reading list of designers who are very talented.

As for your title, it could not be more perfect. I love the mysterious nature behind it and the whole 'circus' theme that keeps making an appearence.

ii. BLURB

I like how short your blurb is, and it does tell us everything we need to know. The only problem is that it has a few grammatical errors that, if fixed, will make the blurb flow much better. Here's how I would rewrite it:

Snow...spark...silk...and dark.

It just needs these four things to bring magic.

Park Da Som is a laid-back girl who hates studying and loves stealing glances at a University student working at a part-time library in her hometown. But a seemingly innocent wish lands her in a strange circus and gets her entangled with the mysterious Kim Bong.

So I fixed five or six errors up there and changed around a few words just to make the blurb a little more concise. But the bones of the original blurb work very well, I think.

1 0 / 1 5

i. COMMAS

You have some persistent comma issues. First, let's clear up the following terms:

An independent clause is the part of a sentence that stands alone. Independent clauses contain a subject and verb.

A dependent clause is the part of a sentence that relies on the independent clause to make sense. Dependent clauses are often missing a subject or verb that is in the independent clause.

An essential clause is an added clause that must be included in the sentence or else the meaning changes. They are always dependent.

A nonessential clause is an added clause that can be included, but it does not change the meaning of the sentence. They are always dependent.

Here are the simplified rules that I've put together over the last few years. I know they're scary, and I know they probably have a lot of terms that you might not have down yet. But tackle one rule at a time, screenshot the rest, and come back to them when you're ready to tackle the next.

The next two rules are easier, and you can probably implement and understand them now:

RULE 1: When a dependent clause comes before an independent clause, a comma is used between the two clauses.

Example: With a lot of difficulties, I completed the hike.

Explanation: 'I completed the hike' is an independent sentence--it makes sense on its own. But 'with a lot of difficulties' doesn't really make sense on its own--it needs help from the independent clause to clarify what we are doing that we had difficulty with. We use a comma in this instance.

RULE 2. When an independent clause comes before a dependent clause, NO comma is used.

Example: I completed the hike with a lot of difficulties.

Explanation: Again, these are the same clauses from before. When an independent clause comes before a dependent clause, there is no need to put a comma. 

The last two rules are a little more confusing, and you might benefit from focusing on the first two until you're ready for these:

RULE 3. When a dependent clause that is essential is placed in the middle of an independent clause, NO comma is used.

Example: My sibling Ena is my best friend.

Explanation: Here, the essential clause is the name of my sister, Ena. The independent clause is: My sibling is my best friend. So clarifying that my sibling's name is Ena is essential because if I didn't place it in there, you might think I'm talking about my brother, which would change the meaning of the sentence. So I don't use a comma.

RULE 4. When a dependent clause that is nonessential is placed in the middle of an independent clause, commas are used on either side.

Example: My mother, Mary, is a teacher.

Explanation: So here, the nonessential clause is my mother's name, Mary. It is nonessential because I only have one mother, and taking out the clarification of her name would not change the meaning of the sentence. So commas are placed on either side.

I know it's a lot. It was once way too much for me, too. But once you get good at commas, you'll burn these rules into your mind and do them automatically. You'll never have to think of them again.

ii. DIALOGUE

A dialogue tag is anything that describes the way something is said (ex. he screamed, she whispered, I asked).

An action tag is anything that implies who is speaking by using an action (ex. he grinned, she raised an eyebrow, I blinked).

Some verbs can be used as both, such as 'he groaned.' If you want to say he said something in a groan, it's a dialogue tag. If you want to say he said something and then he groaned, it's an action tag.

Now, placing these into your writing. Here are the rules:

When you have a dialogue tag following or proceeding a spoken sentence, the beginning of the spoken sentence is always capitalized and if your dialogue tag is after, then you end the spoken sentence with a comma and begin the dialogue tag with a lowercase. If the dialogue tag comes before, then you place a comma after the dialogue tag and begin the spoken sentence with a capital.

Examples:

"Hello," he said.

OR

He said, "Hello."

When you have a dialogue tag in the middle of two spoken sentences, you

a) either pick a sentence and attach the dialogue tag to that using the above rules, or you

b) make it all one sentence and end the dialogue tag with a comma and begin the spoke sentence with a lowercase.

Examples:

"Hello," he said. "It's nice out today."

OR

"Hello." He said, "It's nice out today."

OR

"Hello," he said, "it's nice out today."

Whenever you have an exclamation mark, question mark or a name that must be capitalized, you simply add your mark, capitalize the name and do not change any other punctuation.

Examples:

"Hello," I said.

OR

"Hello?" she asked.

When you are using action tags, you follow the regular rules of writing and end the spoken sentence with a period and begin the action tag with a capital.

Examples:

"Hello." He grinned.

He grinned. "Hello."

If you follow these rules, you shouldn't struggle with your dialogue anymore.

iii. GRAMMAR

I have chosen commas and dialogue as the two things to mention here to you. You have other issues, but I found those to be the most persistent and easiest to fix. I would focus on those rules and once you have them down, move on to more complicated sentence structures. 

0 8 / 1 5

i. WORD CHOICE

You have a lovely word choice that becomes your saving grace in this story. Your grammar is a little lacking, so it's here that you excel and push your story into interesting. You start with a new introductory word and your transitional words are great.

ii. TRANSITIONS

I found your story parts to end rather abruptly. Remember: Don't end a story part because it's convenient to Wattpad or you're simply bored of writing and want to move on. Only end a story part when it feels right to the plot and story flow to do so. It's nice to end on a cliffhanger, but ending every chapter on a cliffhanger is a little exhausting to readers and gets old quickly. Save your cliffhangers for certain chapters. Instead, end your chapters with a final thought or narrative sentence that sums up what happened in the chapter.

iii. PACING

Perhaps part of the reason for your abrupt part ends is the pacing in your story. In my opinion, it's much too fast. Two chapters in, we've already met the main characters and the main storyline. There was no foundation for our main character or the storyline. I wouldn't make more chapters here, but I would make your current chapters longer. Before getting off the bus, tell us a memory of hers, a detail about her, an interaction she had with her University boy. Then, when you've solidified this character, it's much easier to throw her into action.

0 6 / 1 0

i. CHARACTERS

Your characters are unique, but you info-dump some descriptions. Here are some of my best pointers:

Spread out your descriptions. Spread out descriptions over pages. I've had a character described throughout an entire chapter--thousands of words. Mix them with dialogue, mix them with scene description, mix them with action. Give the most important descriptions on impact, and add the vivid details to your character as you go along. This keeps interest and makes your description less obvious.

Mix physical description with emotional description. Physical description, such as the colour of a character's eyes, is less important than emotional description, such as if a character is short-tempered. It's the emotional descriptions that make a character well-rounded.

Use literary devices. Use metaphors, use similes. Use irony and a bunch of other cool things to make your character unique. Comparisons go a long way to a reader.

ii. SCENES

Since your pacing is so quick, sometimes you forget to describe a scene or make sure we know what's going on around the main characters. These things are important to make a story come to life. Remember to describe things like taste, smell, touch and sound as well as vision.

0 6 / 1 0

i. PLOT

Your plot is the most fantastic part of your story. It's extremely unique and creative, and it has a lot of potential. The idea of this magical circus of wishes concocted by a mysterious man is SO fun, and there's a lot you can do with it! I love the creativity in your plot.

ii. TONE

Your tone doesn't contain a lot of unique aspects--I think that's because when you're writing, you're probably trying to get to the next chapter because you're excited. I understand that writing can often be like that, and I've had to tell myself not to do that multiple times as well. Don't force yourself to write a scene you don't want to, because the scene won't be as good as you have the potential to make it. If you're bored with the story or you find yourself rushing, go have a snack, do something else, and come back to it with a fresh new perspective. 

0 7 / 1 0

The creativity in your plot and characters are full of potential. You have a few grammatical errors to focus on and a few ways you can enhance your story in terms of flow and description. But overall, the idea of this story--which is truly the big-picture thing that matters--is unique and exciting.

3 7 / 6 0