Caught in Fantasy written by anonymously9917

i. COVER & TITLE

I like the idea of your cover, and I think it's perfectly fine. However, I'm not sure if it's quite the fantastic it could be. I would send your current pictures to a designer and see what they can do for you. As always, I have a reading list full of them that would be happy to help. I just think you could do with a little more manipulation of the fonts and textures to make the design truly alluring.

I quite like your title. It tells us what this story is going to be like right off the bat, but it also maintains an aspect of mystery and intrigue. I wouldn't change a thing about it!

ii. BLURB

I've made a massive effort to eradicate the use of story scenes in blurbs, so I'm embarrassed to say that I think yours really works. It's fun, intriguing, but it also gives us insight into what the story would be like and even the plot as well. Honestly, I don't think I'd change it other than cleaning up the grammar just a tad. 

As for the actual story blurb, it's right to the point and simple to understand. I think since it's so short, you could add just a bit more on the actual plot, but I'm not sure it would be entirely necessary. You have a good idea with your blurb, but I'm not sure I like the 'read Caught in Fantasy to find out' part. It's always better to end your blurb with a one-liner that doesn't resemble a question--to leave things final and yet also mysterious.

1 2 / 1 5

i. PUNCTUATION

the love of my life, #1: THE DASH

So we all know Tari loves dashes. Use them right. Dashes are just a simple way to gain respect from your readers. It's worth it to change them!

The hyphen (-) is what you currently use in place of what should be the EM dash. The hyphen is for hyphenated words only, such as long-term or father-in-law. The hyphen is just one press of the dash button.

The en dash (–) is the slightly larger dash. It is used only as formatting in chapter titles or things like that. It is not used in creative writing unless you're writing something science-based in dialogue. It is typed by typing a word, a space, a hyphen, then another space, then the next word. Programs like Word or Google Docs will then elongate it for you (Wattpad will NOT) Examples: The distillation went from 80 – 90 degrees.

The em dash (—) is the big kahuna of dashes and the one you should be using where you use the hyphen. It is used to indicate interruption of dialogue, interruption of thoughts, or to add or clarify something in creative writing. It is typed by typing a word, NO SPACE, TWO hyphens, then NO SPACE, then the next word. Word or Google Docs will then elongate it for you. Be careful--Wattpad won't, hence why my dashes on here look like they do. Change your dashes. I promise it's worth it.

my enemy, #2: THE COMMA

You use commas pretty well, but there are a few rules I'd like to reiterate. For one, remember that in almost all instances in which a name is being addressed, a comma comes before it. Here, from your book:

'Yes, and please take care Claire.'

When we first read this, we're assuming you missed the 'of' here, and meant to say 'take care of Claire.' But on second glance, we're going, no that can't be it. In order to avoid confusion, you just need to put a comma there:

'Yes, and please take care, Claire.'

Second of all, you sometimes don't use a comma where you should. Here's a run-on from your first chapter:

'The killer was nowhere to be seen as though he disappeared into thin air and then there was a loud sound coming from somewhere behind...'

The run-on here is created by three independent clauses linked by two conjunctions, but with no commas. Here's how I would clean this up:

'The killer was nowhere to be seen, as though he disappeared into thin air--and then there was a loud sound coming from somewhere behind...'

Another example:

'It sounded so familiar yet I couldn't recall where I heard it before.'

Corrected (because 'yet' is a conjunction and both clauses here are independent) :

'It sounded so familiar, yet I couldn't recall where I heard it before.'

ii. DIALGOUE

You've got most of dialogue down, but sometimes you have a slip-up here and there. For example:

"No!" screamed my mom, "Don't you dare lay a finger on her."

This is incorrect, because you have two separate sentences but a lowercase dialogue tag AND an introductory comma. Here's how that should go:

"No!" screamed my mom. "Don't you dare lay a finger on her."

I noticed you always use dialogue tags to indicate spoken word. Remember, that's not the only option. Action tags are equally effective, but they give us a break from the redundancy of dialogue tags. It's worth going through and seeing which dialogue tags are necessary and which can be replaced. Take this line:

"No can do, darling," he said before turning his attention to my dad. "Goodbye, John."

This could've been--and arguably could've been smoother--if you used just the action tag:

"No can do, darling." He turned his attention to my dad. "Goodbye, John."

1 0 / 1 5

i. PACING

I found your pacing just a little inconsistent. We get through the dream of the murders pretty smoothly--I didn't find it too fast or too slow, but then we immediately wake up and get all this information on Claire's current family and what she thinks of them. Just be careful to avoid info-dumping; we don't need all of that information where it was. In fact, we don't need to know that the mom and aunt are identical until the first time we meet them--consider moving some of these details back to a more natural place, where they can be introduced in a way that works with your pacing. For the most part, I found the more fantasy aspects of your story written in a perfect pacing, but then you speed up the more common, contemporary parts. Try to maintain a smooth pacing throughout all parts.

ii. TRANSITIONS

I don't particularly like the end of chapter 1, because it didn't feel truly like an ending. Is there any way you can end that that would make it a little more final? Any way we can connect back to the dreams she's been having and therefore end that chapter? Chapter ends can often be effective when they are used as one-liners or a quick paragraph to subtly summarize what we've learned or what we can look forward to next.

In addition, I always think every new chapter should start with its own hook. Every chapter should give us a new reason to read on. "I did my morning routine" is part of the story, but is it the part we want to start off with? I think you'd be better off thinking of ways to spruce your transitions up and make them either more final or a bit more hook-like.

0 6 / 1 0

i. CHARACTERS

I like that you keep your descriptions to a minimum and try to introduce them when they are relevant to the story. However, I find that your descriptions simple. I think there are ways for you to make them more unique. Unique descriptions not only entice readers to like your story rather than someone else's, but they also create vivid characters that become relatable. Here are some ideas:

- Voices are often left out of descriptions, but they appeal to the auditory sense--one that doesn't often get used in writing.

- Habits or tendencies are a really great way to describe a character. For example, when Claire looks down at her nails nervously--that's a habit. It makes us relate to her. There are plenty of other ways to include these in your character descriptions.

- The reasoning for your character decisions is perhaps what gets us understanding them the most. Let's say Claire always comes down for breakfast first--why? Because she's quick with getting ready? Because she doesn't really care to put on makeup or pick out an outfit for a long time? Tell us these things!

ii. SCENES

I think you describe new scenes quite nicely. However, try to think of ways to make each new scene unique and exciting. Because of your fast pacing, you often skip over descriptions of the character's surroundings and what we're really seeing. By skipping this, the story can feel rushed and the characters' lives can feel a little disjointed. You don't need to describe everything, but it's always good to let your readers what's going on around your charcters.

0 6 / 1 0

i. PLOT

This is a pretty unique plot! Five chapters in, we start to see some weird stuff happening and the more fantasy aspects starting to come into play. Before that, this book comes off as mostly contemporary. But because of the title and blurb, we know that the story is going to progress, and you provide. I really like the slow building of the mystery--how we see Aidan in the dream in place of the killer, and we start to wonder who he is and what he knows. It's an exciting plot you have here, the only problem is that it is taking a while to build, and I see a few scenes that don't add anything to the overall plot from my point of view.

ii. TONE

Your tone is easy to read and simple, which makes this book very manageable. You don't use a lot of literary devices, but Claire has a lot of interesting internal thoughts that make her relatable and allow readers to connect to her. I don't see anything overly unique about her or the tone you write her in, but perhaps that comes into play more in the later chapters. It's always worth trying to write different scenes and experiment with your tone and how you want it to feel.

0 7 / 1 0

Caught in Fantasy seems like a well-done, interesting read! I like the peripheral characters and the mystery that is most definitely building, but I do think you could do with slowing down your pacing and allowing the story to flow a little better by reconsidering some transitions. Thanks for letting me review your story!

4 1 / 6 0