Auburn's Fall (V)

Title: Auburn's Fall

Author: Pinestripe37

First Impressions

Title: I thought at first that the title was Autumn's Fall, which sounded like fun wordplay, but no it's Auburn's Fall. It's still fun wordplay though, with the main character being named Auburnfall and Auburn's Fall can be a reference to autumn. I'm curious now though if Auburn's Fall means we're going to see the "fall" of Auburnfall.

Cover: The cover definitely gives us what the story is about: a chicken in autumn. I like the color scheme, it's very autumn. However, there are parts of the cover that can be made better. I asked graphic designers from our community to help me with pointing out what could be improved. What they told me was that there is not enough contrast between the main subject of the cover (the chicken) and the background. Play around with the lighting or outline of the subject or just change the background altogether to create a contrast. The text is also too small and blends in, so they suggested using a bigger font and using a color that's more visible against the background. The two words are also too far from each other, and it is ill advised because it can make reading the title difficult (one of them thought Fall was the author's name). The author's name is also not on the cover, making it easy to steal by other people.

On a note, I'm going to advertise our community's graphics shop if you want to request a cover: https://www.wattpad.com/1221059013-dreamland-graphics-information

Blurb: The first sentence is a bit too continuous. You could cut a few parts of it through commas. As such:

As the autumn leaves fall down the trees and shades of orange fill the forest and the sky, the days grow colder.

Autumn doesn't need to be capitalized, as it is a common noun.

The first line is fine, it gives us a setting. It's currently autumn and there's a forest. I do wish there's a bit more establishment of whether or not this place is near a human settlement or not? Like, is this the countryside or nah? Because it later says there's a coop, but I'm not sure why Auburnfall is outside of the coop.

The second paragraph works. It gives us a goal (shelter) and a conflict hindering the protagonist's journey for that goal (her fear of her flockmates who live in the coop). You could change the ellipsis into a question mark, but that's a minor preference of mine.

Shelter is a must, but what happens when bad memories return and the hen finds herself fearing her flockmates? Will she find the courage to join them in the warm coop?

General Thoughts

Before I start, I'm sorry for your loss. Autumn is a very beautiful chicken and I hope she can rest in peace.

Now, first of all, I love the drama in your writing style. The narration has a sense of melancholy that has hit me since the first chapter. I think that's what you were going for so kudos. It sets this somewhat gloomy yet peaceful atmosphere that I can't help but love. It helps me in immersing myself in this beautiful autumn forest, where life is slowly changing to winter, a temporary death before spring's rebirth. I think this dramatic, somewhat purple prose-y style definitely works for setting up this piece.

I also like how you manage to show that your characters are chickens. You don't explicitly say they're chickens, but through context clues and subtle details such as feathers, combs, squawking, clucking, etc etc. you manage to impart the image that yes, the point of view character is a chicken and the other characters are chickens as well. I really like that.

So far, the characters feel like they have a point to be there. Auburnfall, the protagonist, is gloomy and lonely. She wants to have friends and a family, but her fear and past trauma is making her unable to connect with others. But then Oaklyn and Betha barge in her life, giving her a chance to connect to others and get free from her lonely world. Oaklyn is a bubbly friend while Betha is a caring mother hen, at least so far those are my impressions of them. I like the dynamic they have so far.

I'm very much excited to see Auburnfall's character arc. It really feels like you're building on something here. Like, you know what direction you do want to take this character. And I'm personally interested to see how you'd handle that journey. Though... My only main problem about this work is that you may make it way too fast-paced. By Chapter 3, we immediately have Auburnfall considering Oaklyn as a friend and accepting the two of them as a family. She just met them and she's already super attached to them. I'm fine with that easy attachment as a character trait of Auburnfall, but I do wanna note that you shouldn't make their relationships fast paced. Auburnfall may be attached, but she doesn't know these two properly yet. She just met them. And therefore, communicating with them isn't going to be all smooth.

Breakdown

Chapter 1

From the first line, the chapter already starts with a melancholic tone, which I really like. Then we get some personification there and I love the imagery I can get from your descriptions. A forest with falling auburn leaves, a sky of oranges and pinks, a soft breeze that whispers in your ears, etc. It sets up a certain atmosphere immediately as we get into the story.

I think I only have a few problems with the writing. One was the capitalization of the seasons—they're common nouns, no need for capitalization. And there was a part where you're supposed to use an em-dash, not a hyphen. Em-dash can be typed out on Google Docs through three dashes after a letter. (like so—) or you can type it through unicode (alt + 0151 = —). You could also just copy an em-dash and then paste it in.

Like so: "...shattering the fragile peace that the swirling colored sky—God's painting—had brought upon..." instead of "...the swirling colored sky - God's painting - had brought upon..."

I do feel like the whole "God's painting" feels a bit forced in that part. You could probably allude to it in an earlier part and then recall it there. For example:

But I wasn't focused on the leaves, I was focused on the sunset. Sunsets in autumn were my favorite. The beautiful oranges and pinks painted by God's hands. This moment my life seemed together, but it was far from it.

"Auburnfall..." A crisp breeze sent a shiver through my feathers, shattering the fragile peace that God's painting—the swirling, colored sky—had brought upon me for that precious moment. "You need a place to shelter..."

If that makes sense?

I also noticed you use a lot of ellipses. I would say I do get the use of them as they do impart a melancholic tone in the first person narrative, but I would just remind you to not overuse them.

Anyway, in this first chapter, we get to meet the protagonist: Auburnfall. Auburnfall so far gives me melancholic, somewhat gloomy vibes. She seems sad and it really seems like she has some burdens that she can't move on from. She also seems like she's been traumatized by her last experience with the coop, which I'm genuinely curious about. So that's one mystery for the first chapter.

This chapter also introduces the main conflict: looking for shelter. There's an immediate and obvious choice: the coop. But then the conflict is that Auburnfall has fear (and maybe trauma) and she needs to overcome it in order for her to go to the coop. Or would she just try to find another way? There's also stakes raised because we can see that it's almost winter now, with the hint of a snowflake at the end being ominous and all.

All in all, this chapter is just a lot of set-up. It sets up the setting, the main character, and the main conflict. Nothing much other than that. It's a fully functional chapter.

Chapter 2

Some stuff:

"Lying there in the cold I must have drifted off for a while..." → "Lying there in the cold, I must have drifted off for a while..."

"'Hey!' her long comb blowing in the whistling wind..." → "'Hey!' As her long comb swayed in the whistling wind..." (blow is a weird word choice here, so I changed it)

The 4th paragraph is just one long sentence that could be cut into at least two. As such:

I pulled away with a squawk in a desperate attempt to avoid being pecked, only to tumble backwards, finding myself in a pile again. I faced up to see the faint glow of the dusty orange sky between branches.

You did this two times in this chapter so I'm pointing it out. Sentences after dialogue must be capitalized unless it's a dialogue tag.

For example:

"I'm Oaklyn by the way." Her tail twitched in amusement...

That should be a period and capitalized as the tail twitching is an action.

On the other hand, if you did a dialogue tag, then we do the comma and lower case first letter.

"I'm Oaklyn by the way," she said.

Words like "she said" or "I muttered" are part of the sentence the dialogue is in hence why it's not capitalized in comparison to the action where it's a separate sentence from the dialogue.

Anyway we meet Oaklyn in this chapter. And I already like her immediately. While cliche, I do like the fact that she has a bright and bubbly personality to contrast Auburnfall's more gloomy and reserved one. We also get to see Auburnfall interact with another chicken and get to see her in a social situation, giving us more of her character. She's a bit anxious of being misunderstood, and she's a bit shy. Perhaps it has something to do with her trauma in the coop? Oaklyn on the other hand is very bubbly and immediately makes friends and even gives her her sweater. It's a cute scene.

I have nothing much to say about this chapter. We get introduced to a new character and we get a new aspect of Auburnfall's character that we get to see. I do feel like it's a bit too slow and it doesn't move the plot a bit? I'll mention it in the next part, but I feel like this could be lumped in with Chapter 3.

Chapter 3

Okay, so this chapter. I do feel like it can be put together with Chapter 2? It moves the plot a bit more (meeting the two other chickens), expands on the characterization (Auburnfall's anxieties and loneliness), and then ends at a point where Auburnfall has to make a choice: follow the two and trust them for a shelter, or don't follow the two and lose chance for a shelter. I feel like the last part is what Chapter 2 is missing that Chapter 3 has—a part where Auburnfall has to make a choice to progress her goal.

Okay, other than that, let's look at this chapter. We get to see that Auburnfall already thinks of Oaklyn as a friend in her narration, making it feel like Auburnfall is easily attached to other chickens? This is further emphasized later when she feels immediately comfortable with them after the mention of a family. Auburnfall really feels very sad, gloomy, and lonely. She just wants a friend or a family and that part really adds to the melancholic tone of the work. Though, be careful, because this may lead to their dynamics and relationships developing in a way too fast of a pace. Remember that they just met, and therefore Auburnfall doesn't know them intimately yet. Their relationships aren't going to be immediately smooth-sailing.

As for Oaklyn and Betha... Oaklyn and Betha give a bright blast of light and noise to Auburnfall's peacefully lonely surroundings. I like how Oaklyn is more of a friend, all excited and fun to be with while Betha is calmer, more mature, and more of a mother hen (pun unintended).

This chapter has a good ending hook to it, with the choice that Auburnfall has to make. I'm really curious as to what's going to occur next!

Summary

Overall, the writing is pretty solid and it gives us good imagery. It sets a certain mood and tone for the narrative which fits the protagonist's character. The other characters that appeared also seem fun and have many fun possible dynamics with the protagonist. To be honest this work reminds me of one of my favorite slice of life anime: March Comes In Like A Lion. It has that same tranquil loneliness which then gets interrupted by bright characters who force themselves into the main character's life.

With a little more polishing through editing, this work can be the best it can be. I also can't judge it right now because there's only three chapters, but I do hope you nail the emotional aspects of this piece. If you do, I'll definitely wait to read it! Do be careful about the pacing however, you're kinda teetering to having too quick of a pace for the story. This type of story needs time to simmer—let your readers immerse themselves in the protagonist's emotions. Don't rush.

Thank you for choosing me as your reviewer! If you have any questions, feel free to DM me.

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