I am an unreliable failure I apologize this review should've been written weeks ago. Thank you for the patience (that I forced you to have). Hope this helps.

Apocalypse written by SpartanCatlord

i. COVER & TITLE

Your cover suits your story, but it could be better. You have a cool golden-colour thing going, but that and black are the only colours you have. It might be beneficial to add in some other colours. I would try sending this current cover to a designer to see what they could do for you. I have a reading list full of talented designers. As for your title, it's very generic, and it doesn't give us insight into the cool setup of your story. I would recommend changing it to something more unique that might make a reader go, "oh, I wonder what that means." I randomly thought that your title would be cool as 'This is the End'. I think it's cool, and it fits your story. Either way, I'd recommend brainstorming some ideas to make your title a little more unique. 

ii. BLURB

So I think I have to agree with you. Your blurb is a little...messy. It scared me a lot when I read it because I knew there was a lot of work to do. But I, the blurb queen, enjoy a fresh new challenge. Usually, I try to rewrite blurbs based on what the blurb currently consists of, but I think you might benefit from a total scrap and rewrite. I've still kept in some stuff that is from the original, but let me know what you think about this. Basically, I've just taken out everything I thought wasn't necessary or super interesting. Blurbs need to be short and sweet, so I've condensed and streamlined below.

Which came first, the catastrophe or the change?

Jake couldn't tell you. He grew up in the realm of the gods--where the laws of physics were as arbitrary as the laws of the household. He's an outcast of society, having lost his sister to an army of half-sentient robots. He doesn't think about much these days. He thinks about revenge, and he thinks about how cool his new (admittedly stolen) magic sword is. 

Everything else can take a back seat. The fact that the world is spiraling into chaos, the twisted game of loyalties surging around him--even sanity. But there are other people out there with their own revenge to serve and their own things to think about.

So, which came first, the catastrophe or the change?

But to be honest, at this point, it's hard to tell the difference at all.

I would recommend this blurb because it's simple and smooth and sharp. It still contains the edge of humour you have in it, but it's far more refined. I haven't really read enough of the book to rewrite the blurb entirely, but if I get to it later I will give you an updated version.

1 0 / 1 5

i. GRAMMAR

Yay grammar is excellent! Now I'll bombard you with things to fix:

PROBLEM #1: THE SEMICOLON

I LOVE the semicolon. Why, you might ask? Well, because I understand the semicolon, and that gives me power over most of the writing community. That's because the semicolon is this terrifying, scary thing that is held down in the deep depths of the keyboard that most people avoid. But it's a useful tool. I'm glad to see you semi-understand the semicolon. I found places where it was used correctly, and then I found places where you could justify it but I would say you're better off with a different piece of punctuation. But to make sure you understand it fully, I'll place the rule below:

THE RULE: A semicolon is used to separate two independent clauses that still relate to each other. A semicolon can only be used if a period would also work in its place.

Why use the semicolon over the period, then?

Sometimes we have two sentences that still work from each other rather than being completely on their own, but they still remain entirely independent. For example:

'John was an excellent cook; he was born to his profession.'

Above, we could use a period instead of a semicolon. But that would provide us with two choppy sentences that don't flow very well. And since the sentences play off of each other, we can use the semicolon.

BE CAREFUL! All semicolons could be periods, but not all periods can be semicolons. For example:

'I love to cook; I ate cereal this morning.' INCORECCT!

The above clauses are not related. No semicolon.

Example from your book:

#1: 'The second disc behind it was separated by only a tiny bit of space; just enough for the string that was wound tightly around the center axis.'

So...no. I don't like that. You could probably argue that that second clause is independent, but it is not by most standards. You'd be far better off using a dash in place of the semicolon above.

PROBLEM #2: THE DASH

So oddly enough, you use the right dash, but you put a space before and after it. That means your dashes turn out ridiculously long and stretch out that sentence and therefore the flow. And, well, it is just wrong as well. Dashes are connected directly to the letters. I'd take those spaces out. In addition, make sure you're using that long em dash when the dialogue gets interrupted rather than the small dash. For example, from your book:

"I mean, but-" should be the long em dash there instead.

PROBLEM #3: COMMAS!

You have a problem with commas where they shouldn't be. You use a few too many of them. Commas are used to separate independent clauses or for introductory clauses. Look at this example below:

'Esfali allowed herself a cocky smile, for the sake of old memories.'

Bad comma there. There shouldn't be one, because although the first clause is independent, the second is not. ('for the sake of old memories' could not stand alone)

The correction would be to take that comma out entirely.

In addition, sometimes you use a comma when you'd be better off restructuring. Example:

'She dashed to the side, her boots skimming over the powdery snow, and the creatures followed, the alpha in the lead.'

That's just a little awkward. I'd take some commas out and restructure:

'She dashed to the side as her boot skimmed over the powdery snow. The creatures followed, the alpha in the lead.'

Another example:

'Tell me to leave my weapon by the door, if you think I'm a threat.'

Again, this is one continuous clause that you've split with a comma. Correction:

'Tell me to leave my weapon by the door if you think I'm a threat.'

iii. TYPOS

You have a couple of common mistakes. For one, you write 'another of the monsters' instead of 'another one of the monsters' which would be a typo or a grammar flaw. You have a few of these that could use touching up. Another thing--although most of the time you use single quotes for anything other than dialogue, sometimes you use double, like the time in chapter 6 you said "prison". Make sure you're consistent with one. I would recommend single quote because they don't get confused with dialogue.

1 1 / 1 5

i. INTERNAL DIALGOUE

I hate using italics to indicate thought. I think it's messy. Others may disagree. But it's just so much EASIER to not use that style. For example, you have this written in chapter one:

'Fighting. Just like before. How did I think I could escape this? she asked herself in resignation.'

That just doesn't flow as well as doing it in third person:

'Fighting. Just like before. How did she think she could escape this?'

Yes. Much better. Also, there's another reason to go with the second option. In your writing, you have all the personality in the character's thoughts--not in the narration. That comes out wrong because we find ourselves having to endure the narration in order to get to the uniqueness of the character. It's much better to go with third person for the majority of your writing.

That's not saying you can't use italics at all. Sometimes the dialogue works for you and sometimes it doesn't. Above, I don't think the dialogue tag worked. But I did see some examples of it working. I never use it, but I would just go through for yourself and check to make sure you couldn't make that internal dialogue flow a little better.

ii. TRANSITIONS

Your transitions are great, but in the second chapter, you started us off with a new character, yet the first word was 'her'. I would start that off with 'Kallista' instead for clarity--if we didn't read the chapter name closely enough, we might think it's the same 'her' as the first chapter. Just that tiny thing I noticed in this section.

iii. WORD CHOICE/PUNCTATION CHOICE

I hate the word 'like'. I'm Metaphor Girl, not Simile girl. 'Like' is so obvious. It's so plain and it says: 'Hi, I'm about to present you with a comparison.' I noticed you use a lot of similes (comparisons using like or as) rather than metaphors (comparisons without using like or as). Metaphors are often far better for flow and excitement.

Metaphors are:

- more dramatic

- cooler

- more unique

Similes are:

- annoying

- stupid

- unoriginal

In addition, I hate the word 'like' because it's unprofessional. Obviously, there will be times it needs to be used. But let's look at this example from your book:

'...I whispered to myself, since it wasn't like anyone else was going to.'

That's a weird word choice using 'like'. Taking it out, it would look like this:

'...I whispered to myself, since it wasn't as though anyone else would.

Soooo for one, I took out the like because it sounds more professional that way. Also, I made it so the sentence wouldn't end on a preposition (to). Just little things to make that word choice flow a tad bit better.

And on the topic of punctuation choice, I want to bring up the definition of a period. A period is defined as punctuation that brings the sentence to a full stop, right? It's the end of a sentence. So looking at this sentence here:

'Not. Even. Dasing. Close.'

That's a style thing that authors like to do. I do it too! But I do something a little different. Since you're not actually ending the sentence over and over again--you're just using the period to indicate a sharp pause--I wouldn't use capitals. This is the way I write these kinds of sentences in my book:

'Not. even. Dasing. close.' (nothing capitalized except words that start the sentence or are usually capitalized on their own)

So again, I do that because it helps to keep the flow of the sentence going without taking away the drama. Not a rule, but I think it's a better style choice than what you're currently doing.

0 8 / 1 0

i. CHARACTERS

I can sense the originality of your characters. But I can't see it, because you don't do lots of physical descriptions. But as for the emotional description, you truly excel. No problems there. But I'd add in a bit more to give us visuals.

ii. SCENES

You write action extremely well. That is all.

0 8 / 1 0

i. PLOT

I was actually quite impressed with how well you ease us into this world--the little hints, then the conversation that takes place in chapter four that gives us lots of info in a way that is extremely natural. The problem with your plot is that there isn't much of it until chapter five-ish. I understand it's a story of only battle scenes, but that much action is too much for readers. You can keep your story the way it is, but I think your reads and engagement will improve if you give us more to hang onto.

With that being said, your plot that is slowly developing is quite unique and interesting. I just think more needs to be given to us in the first few chapters to truly make your story a story.

ii. TONE

Your tone is fun, but be careful of the narration style you use. You appear to be using third person limited, which means whichever chracter the chapter belongs to, you use only their knowledge/information. However, although you are almost entirely consistent here, you do slip up sometimes and pull out into an omniscient style, which means you have access to more than just one character's head. For example, take this line in the second chapter, which is supposed to be Kallista's POV:

'He ran backward, expecting the fight to take a natural pause as they both regained their breath.'

So that's in the head of Tastro, not Kallista. Do you understand what I'm getting at there? Omniscient is a totally valid POV, but you're not consistently in it, so you have to pick one and stay there.

You should also watch out for tense slip-ups. You're writing entirely in present tense (he said, I did this, she did that' instead of 'he says, I do this, she does that), but then you have a couple weird sentences where you move out of that tense. Example from chapter 4:

'sending the rock out in a slow arc to hit the opposite wall of this corridor.'

That's not the correct tense because of the word 'this' in front of corridor. The correction would be:

'sending the rock out in a slow arc to hit the opposite wall of the corridor I was in.' Or something to that effect.

0 7 / 1 0

This is for sure one of the more unique stories I've read. The characters may not be physically described, but they are made to feel extremely exciting and original. The plot is developing slowly and surely, and it is exciting to see each new perspective. There are a few logistical errors to clean up and a few ways the story could flow better but overall, this is a story with lots of potential.

4 4 / 6 0