A Murder in Disguise

El_Pa_Ca1601

Initial Impression: (cover, title & blurb)

Your cover is perfect! It represents the story, is captivating and pleasing to the eye. The caption really works with the book. It looks confidently made and professional. It's the perfect cover!

Now, the title I don't think is quite as unique, but it definitely shows us the genre of the book and is still intriguing. It doesn't catch my interest right away, however, and I think there's potential for it to be better. I have a hard time suggesting titles since I don't know all that much about the book, so I have leave that up to the writers.

Moving on to the blurb! I have a few problems with it. For one, I would rather see a blurb that's short and concise, so yours is a little long for most readers. I like the beginning, but it's cut off from the rest, which is only formatting, but I'd still suggest changing it. You also include the names in your blurb. If there's only one character name, that's fine. But giving us three names is a little much. I don't think you need them, but that's a preference thing. Next, your blurb is a little redundant. I think there are things you can take out. Below, I've re-written your blurb to make it shorter and easier to read:

It's only a game...right?

Emily, Hannah and Grace are ordinary girls studying art and struggling to peruse their dreams. But they're compelled to visit a party and play a murder game–after all, it's supposed to be fun.

The game begins with a series of events leading its players to situations where they are damned if they comply, and damned if they don't.

Sometimes, games go too far.

So I've really changed your blurb here. You'll notice I took out a lot of information. Here's a list of things I did, for reference:

- I took out the questions for the most part. Questions are cliché and I don't like them. I think most readers agree.

- I started with a one-liner and ended with a one-liner for dramatic effect. I believe both of these lines are quick and catchy, likely to draw readers in.

- I took out a lot of information that seemed irrelevant, such as the location and the repetition of the names. It only clunks up the writing.

Blurbs are incredibly important for your book. I'd suggest looking at what I did and seeing if you can do something similar to yours. As always, you can use what I suggested above or recreate it. But I'd suggest a complete rewrite of the blurb either way.

10/15

Logistics: (grammar, spelling & dialogue)

Let's talk about the dash, my favourite friend. The dash will get you out of every precarious writing situation. Have an awkward sentence–dash! Have a run on? Dash! Have a choppy sentence? DASH.

Dashes are incredible, and you don't use them much. Dashes are a major factor in story flow and luckily, since this is creative writing you can use as MANY dashes as you want. Seriously. Dashes are incredible. Below, I've picked out sentences I believe can be enhanced with the dash:

From chapter 2: 'My voice was filled with surprise or confusion. Or maybe both.'

Dash enhancement: 'My voice was filled with surprise or confusion–or perhaps both.'

From chapter 2: 'The hotel manger let me this car for tonight. And yes, like all other responsible youngers, I went to a driving school too.'

Dash enhancement: 'The hotel manger lent me this car for tonight–and yes, like all other responsible youngsters, I went to a driving school.'

Do you see the enhanced sentences just a little more flowy? I think so. Of course, dashes CAN be overused, but they also aren't in your story at all. So if you find an awkward sentence, try a dash. It might just help you out.

Your grammar is simple and your structure is easy, so I'm not able to assess any large problems. You have run-ons and awkward sentences that can only be fixed with re-reading and editing. As always, try to read your chapters aloud. If you can't read them quickly and smoothly on the first try, neither can your readers!

As for spelling, you don't have a lot of mistakes. You seem to pay close attention to errors that you know how to fix. Awesome! Keep that up.

Dialogue you mostly have down, but you still struggle with certain situations, such as question marks at the end of dialogue and capitals at the beginning of the dialogue tag. These are the correct ways to write those situations:

"Don't," I said. 

When you have a capital at the beginning of the dialogue tag, you still end the dialogue with a comma, exclamation point, or question mark. Not a period.

"Don't!" she said. 

When you end your dialogue with an exclamation point or question mark, the dialogue tag still begins with a lowercase, unless the dialogue tags starts with a name or the word 'I', showcased below:

"Don't!" I said.

11/15

Story Flow: (transitions & pacing)

Your story doesn't flow very well. This is mostly due to the info-dumping in the beginning. We learn a lot about Hannah, Emily and Grace right off the bat including their personalities, descriptions and life stories. It's a good idea to spread those things out. I felt quite overwhelmed with the first chapter.

Your transitions are fine, and they feel natural. Your chapters don't drag and I find myself satisfied with the endings. The pacing is quite fast–we already have some spooky situations in the third chapter. That's okay, people on Wattpad like that kind of thing. But I do feel a little rushed. Spreading out your descriptions as I mention below will help with that. Or even give the friends an argument to have so we get to see some conflict and how our main characters deal with it. I think that might help with your rushed pacing.

6/10

Description: (characters & scenes)

Your descriptions of characters isn't the best. You info-dump descriptions, and that's a main problem in writing. This is an area I frequently visit in reviews, so I'm going to give you a little info on how to make these descriptions better. I'm going to start with Hannah, the description I pulled from chapter one:

'Hannah was a chirpy, artsy, loveable girl with a smile that never left her face. However, for people out of Hannah's circle of friends, she could be a bit cheeky and harsh. But taking a closer look would reveal her real personality. She owned slightly wavy ash-brown hair with wide amber eyes and her charming dimples when she smiled.'

I'm not going to comment on grammar mistakes here, but I am going to fix them when I rewrite this–keep that in mind. So first off, this is way too much info in a small paragraph. However, sometimes we have to describe characters quickly. Here's my rule: if I am describing a peripheral character that is NOT a main, I'll do it in one paragraph. If I'm describing a main character (like Hannah), I spread out the descriptions over chapters to get a realer feel for the character. But for now, we're going to sort out and rewrite that description above. Read this below and I'll discuss it after:

Hannah was a girl with a smile that never left her face. To others, she could come off a bit cheeky and harsh–but we knew her as artsy and loveable. She drew doodles on her skin with ink in her free time and pet every animal she saw. When she smiled, her dimples and wide eyes created a charming expression. Her amber eyes and ashy hair reminded me of summer days and honey.

Ooookay. So in my mind, this description is far more powerful and vivid. I feel like I can really see Hannah now. Why is that? What makes this description different from yours? Here's the reasons:

- I've smoothened your descriptions so they're not so abrupt. I've worked them into sentences where they don't stand alone and aren't choppy.

- I've brought in metaphors. Now, the metaphors I used aren't incredibly weird like some of the things I dream up, but they're SO good for creating a character. Now when I think of Hannah, I think of bubbly and fun. She's more vivid to me with those characteristics.

- Last, but NOT least, I've added in specifics about Hannah's character to reinforce her artsyness and loveableness. They give us a break from typical descriptions, and they allow Hannah to be unique.

Now, I made all of these up. I don't know if you actually want Hannah to be summery and an animal lover. You have to decide those things. So try to come up with things Hannah is/does that creates her as a character better.

I find your scene description to be far better. However, you should consider adding in more details that appeal to the senses, such as taste and smell. They're very important to a vivid story.

5/10

Originality: (plot & tone)

I find your plot SUPER fun and interesting. I think there's some potential there to make it better, because I was a little disappointed with how fast it moved. You could have provided more detail in the scary parts, I think. It would've enhanced the overall story.

I love the tone, though. I like Emily's sarcastic, humorous point of view. I think a lot of readers will relate to her. She's a bit one-dimensional, which you can fix by adding in some more personal aspects to her like I mentioned above. But I find myself immediately liking her, which is important when we're living through her. She's super relatable.

7/10

Final Comments:

This is definitely the type of book I'd read. I find the plot fun and interesting and the characters relatable. I think your logistical errors are minimal, so they don't effect the reading experience too much. Most of the issues with your story exist on a wider, more broad scale like your tone, descriptions and flow. Try to go over some of the things I said and see how you can make your own. This story definitely has potential to be a big hit.

Final score:

39/60