24 Hours

MusicalKehleigh

Initial Impression: (cover, title & blurb)

I am definitely a fan of this cover. It's very simple and representative. It gives us good insight into what the book is about. However, it doesn't exactly 'pop' out to me. Perhaps bolding the '24 Hours' a little more or making it the same colour as that navy blue-ish in the compass may help? Or maybe just play around with it a little and see what happens.

Your title is excellent. It's short, snappy and right to the point. No complaints here! Surprisingly, when I typed the title into the search bar, it was a lot rarer than I thought it would be, so well done!

I was very impressed with your blurb. It's short and concise. I really do love it. It tells us exactly what the story will be about without giving us too much information but doesn't info-dump on us and leave us confused. However, since I'm being super picky, I'd recommend making it a little more dramatic- just to increase the number of people that click on it. There are a couple of ways to do this. For one, I never recommend using a name as the first thing readers see because although your character name may be important and cool to you, it doesn't mean anything to readers yet and all it does is make for a little bit of a rough start. By all means, include the name, but I just wouldn't do it first. Here's an alternate version, where I've also tried to increase your drama a little:

He's never been one to break rules, much less get in trouble with the law.

But after receiving a mysterious message at the airport, Claude Wintsor finds himself in an unimaginable situation. He is forced to complete six high-crime jobs in exchange for his freedom.

The catch? He only has twenty-four hours. And failure to do so could cost his life.

Do you see how the name is introduced in a little more of a natural way? And I've split up the paragraphs to capture attention. Of course, this is all suggestion, since I prefer a dramatic approach to writing and I think it would help improve the number of people that are drawn to your book. That being said, your blurb is definitely one of the better ones on Wattpad already.

13/15

Logistics: (grammar, spelling & dialogue)

I was very impressed with your grammar. I found very few issues with the logistics of your story. You definitely know how to write properly. I found myself thoroughly immersed in your easy-to-read story. I have one critique on commas. I know. Commas suck. They're confusing. There are like four billion rules on them. I really don't understand the exact situation in which you can and cannot use a comma. However, I know you don't need them here: (from your chapter one)

'It was, quite literally, a breath of fresh air when I was finally able to step into the airport.'

So you don't need either of those commas in there. But creatively, I understand what you were trying to do in breaking up that sentence. In order to keep your initial idea, here's what I'd do:

'It was- quite literally- a breath of fresh air when I was finally able to step into the airport.'

Again. I don't know commas super well either. But I've written enough in my life to just know when a comma shouldn't be there. There are some independent and dependant clause rules that I could reiterate to you, but I'm just not confident enough in them, so I'll just advise you to do the research.

I don't see any typos or errors for the most part.

You have your dialogue down! Wow. Thank you. I love it when that happens. I do have some comments, though. First of all, you use italics a lot to represent your main character's thinking. As writers, we sometimes use italics to describe when someone is thinking, but usually, it's more common in third person, because in first person, (that's what you're in) technically, the character is always thinking. Do you see what I mean? Sometimes, I found your italics to be a little jarring.

So, how can you fix this? Because I understand why you want to use the italics. Here's the rule I use: if it's a thought in past tense, then it's the normal narrative writing. If it's in present tense, then you're good to put it in italics.

And second, I noticed you use double quotations when you only need to use single. I've mentioned before that I'm not entirely sure which is correct because based on where you live and write there are different rules. As a Canadian, I'd take this sentence from your chapter one and revise it, using only single quotations: (I've shortened it for clarity)

'She was giving me a look that seemed to say, "I've seen you before."'

Now, I'd change it to this:

'She was giving me a look that seemed to say, 'I've seen you before.''

Again, you should check the rules for your country. However, I am a firm believer in the second option, because that way your readers will never confuse a theoretical with actual dialogue.

13/15

Story Flow: (transitions & pacing)

I was quite impressed with the lack of transition words. You ease us into each new chapter and you're excellent at writing cliff-hangers that make me want more. Sometimes, you do repeat a phrase, like in chapter 3 (01:00) I noticed you said 'flapping your gums' twice. That's a very unique statement, so using it twice is very obvious. Just watch out for that.

Your pacing is equally well done. I was surprised at how quickly the story carried on and yet how un-rushed I felt. This is very hard to do, so excellent job here.

9/10

Description: (characters & scenes)

I don't see you excelling in this portion as you do in pacing. Although you do have great character descriptions, I don't really see the scene described as much. You don't really set a scene as much as I'd like- especially for a character that seems rather observant.

To me, Claude seems to be the type to always be noticing things. In chapter one, where he notices his bag comes out of the baggage claim quicker than usual- that's a rather odd realization, and to me, it feels like you did it as a clue and it was very obvious to me that it was intentional and out of place. If you made Claude an observant character like that throughout the whole story, I feel like his character would be more developed. Claude seems to have lots of irrational fears and because of that, he strikes me as a character to pick up on little details, but he only does sometimes.

To strengthen this aspect of his character, I think you could add an absurd amount of description and detail. It's a far more time-consuming form of writing, but it'll definitely pay off and end up as the kind of writing that wins contests. Tell us more about facial expressions, body language and other aspects such as lighting and temperature. I write like this since my main character is also extremely observant. If you want to see what I mean, the conversations in chapters 05, 13 and 29 in my book are my most descriptive writing. When I say descriptive in this sense, I mean you'll see my character analyze everything- tone, expression, volume. You won't understand the plot, but perhaps that's even better because then you can just focus on how I've been descriptive. If you want to check out an actual book, Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer is an excellent book with great descriptive tactics. It's also just a really good book.

7/10

Originality: (plot & tone)

This plot is very clearly incredibly original, and I found myself completely immersed in the story. I think you have a super cool idea on your hands that has a lot of potential. However, there are unique aspects to your story that I don't think you emphasize enough. Such as Cladue's worrisome personality or his past. Give us more clues. Really confuse us with the details so we're desperate to figure out how this will all turn out. Integrate that kind of fearful emotion into all of his thoughts.

Your tone doesn't really strike me as unique. I see a lot of books on Wattpad in first person that include little sassy remarks here and there like you do. I don't see that uniqueness that boosts a story. How can you improve your tone? Again, I'm going to recommend the thing that apparently seems to satisfy all your problems: make Claude annoyingly worrisome. Make him question everything and be on edge about everything. You do this a little, and you're doing it quite well. But to be unique, you have to do it even more. Luckily, that's a rather easy fix because you don't have to deconstruct your entire tone. You just have to go through and add things in order to make your story truly phenomenal.

8/10

Final Comments:

I was immediately excited about this book. You draw us in with your concept and you reveal things at a beautiful pace. I'd love to continue this book at a later time. Keep working hard to produce the originality you've already begun to develop, and I think this book could go very far. Since you achieved over 50, I'll add this book to my reading list. Great job!

Final score:

50/60