"Phil, don't you know what day it is?" I asked sadly as I sat down next to the black-haired man that I loved so much.
"Why, of course I do." Phil smiled brightly. For the first time in a while, he actually wasn't sober or hungover from drinking all night at the bar he oh so loved. In fact, he loved it so much that he had made it a habit to go there and drink away his problems every single night. Little did I know at the time, on the night of his birthday, he had lied right through his teeth and instead of going for a walk like he said he was going to do, he had actually gone to the bar and spent the entire night drinking. It wasn't until the next day when I found out, and the only reason I found out was because one of the people Phil had chatted with while he was out at the bar called me and told me that he Phil passed out almost as soon as the bar closed. Apparently, Phil had told this person to call me if something were to happen to him that night and even gave them my number. At first, I was mortified when I heard what happened, but that feeling faded away when I drove to the bar and picked Phil up. Needless to say, his drunken banter about incoherent things only fueled the anger I felt at that moment.

"Really?" I smiled brightly as well, my fear that he had forgotten an important fact about today.
"Yeah, of course." Phil's smile grew ever so slightly as he looked over at me. "It's Sunday."
My smile quickly faded away and my heart sank down so low into the pit of the stomach that it felt like I had been punched in the gut repeatedly until I couldn't bear it anymore. In fact, it hurt so badly that I actually ended up placing both of my hands over my stomach.
"You're kidding, right?" I asked both in a joking and an angry manner.
Phil shook his head.
At that moment, I lost all control and in a fit of blinding anger, I placed my hands on his shoulders and squeezed his shoulders as I began yelling at the top of my lungs.
"It's my birthday, you fucking asshole!" I shook him as if I was convinced that that would make him remember. "How the fuck could you forget? I've told you several times when my birthday was!"
"Dan, calm down." Phil said as he gripped my arms in order to get me to stop shaking, which actually worked for some reason. He paused for a few moments as his eyes darted around the room and he bit his lip. "Wait, what's today's date?"
"June eleventh! It's fucking June eleventh!" I started yelling and shaking him again. "That's my birthday! You're my husband! You're supposed to know me like the back of your hand, especially since we've known each other for two years now!"
Phil sighed and it felt like a million years had gone by before he finally spoke up. "Shit." He muttered as he pushed past me and stood up. "I didn't even think it was June already. I thought it was..." He trailed off as he started pacing around the room. "I don't even know what I thought. The days have started to just merge together and go by so quickly."
"Phil, you need to stop drinking." I said as I watched him continue to pace around the room. "It's changing you. You're forgetting things, you're constantly getting headaches from your hangovers, you're occasionally passing out drunk, and you're barely ever coming home. You need to stop numbing your feelings with alcohol. This is a habit that has the potential to kill you one day."
Phil stopped dead in his tracks and started looking around the room once more. He seemed to be in a trance as thoughts began racing through his mind. Then, after just a couple of moments, he looked me dead in the eyes and said, "You're funny. You think I care about the fact that it will more than likely kill me?" He laughed, and it was the kind of laugh that would hear from someone who had lost every last ounce of their sanity. "Well, guess what? I don't care. I stopped caring a long time ago. The only thing I live for is the euphoria I feel whenever I get drunk. You should really try it sometime. You honestly feel like you're the happiest person in the world and that no one could ever bring you down."
"Thanks, but no thanks." I replied bitterly as I pulled my wallet out from my pocket and began throwing money at him. "Just get the fuck out of here and blow more of our money on your fucking drinks like you always do."
Phil rolled his eyes as he bent down and grabbed the money off of the floor. "I will since you want me to leave so badly."
In a blink of an eye, he stormed out of the door and slammed the door behind him.
I would've asked you to stay if you were still the same Phil that I fell in love with all those years ago.
But you're not the same Phil that I fell in love with.
The Phil I fell in love with would've done everything in his power to make sure that I had an amazing birthday. He also wouldn't forget all about it, and he certainly wouldn't abandoned me on a day like this.
You are no longer the Phil that I fell in with.
You are the Phil that, as painful as it is for me to admit to myself, I'm slowly falling out of love with.

~~~~~

The next morning, I woke up feeling a surge of energy that I haven't felt in a very long time, and I couldn't pinpoint why exactly I had this energy all of a sudden.

Nonetheless, I got up and quickly ate the hotel breakfast of pancakes topped with more maple syrup than I'm willing to admit. As I was eating, a certain black haired man popped into my mind since other than cereal, pancakes were his favorite thing to eat for breakfast. I instinctively reached over and ran my thumb over my left ring finger, frowning when I realized that my wedding ring wasn't there. While I was upset about leaving it behind, I didn't have the intentions on coming back to Phil if I couldn't bring Ellie back, and that was because she was the only person that could fix him. I had tried for months and months to piece Phil Lester's puzzle back together and failed miserably. Because of this, it was clear to me that Ellie was essential if I wanted to rekindle things with Phil.

After I finished eating breakfast, I went to a clothing store that was right across from the hotel I was currently staying at and began searching for outfits I could wear for the next few days. Needless to say, I was struggling a lot more than I would really like to admit since it's quite the struggle picking out an outfit when the store you're in doesn't sell a single good article of black clothing, which is virtually the only color that exists in your closet.

Thankfully, I somehow managed to put together a few outfits (they all incorporated the color grey rather than black, however), and I quickly rushed back to my hotel room to get changed after paying for everything. I threw on a gray flannel and ripped jeans before I fixed up my hair a bit. Smiling softly to myself, I headed out of the hotel room once again after bundling up and got the directions to Ellie's flat after stepping out of the hotel room. Upon entering the address into my phone and receiving the first set of instructions, I began making my way to Ellie's flat.

*****

The nervousness didn't sink in until I had actually walked up to the door of Ellie's flat. Because of this, I was standing at the door staring at it like an idiot while trying to force myself to knock on the door, a task that was so pathetically easy. But yet, here I was, standing at the door like a creep and actually dreading the thought of knocking on the door and having to converse with the couple that I had given permission to adopt Ellie to. It was honestly pathetic really. What the hell did I have stacked against me to be afraid of? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

When I finally had taken a deep breath and gathered the courage to knock on the door, it proved to be too little too late since right as I was about to finally knock on the door, it swung open and I came face to face with Sophia Roberts, the woman that had become Ellie's adoptive mother and a woman that I had acquainted myself with quite well.
"Dan?" Sophia nearly jumped five feet in the air when she saw me. "What are you doing here?"
"I..." I trailed off and let out a sigh before I allowed the words to just spill from my mouth. "I'm here to see whether or not you would let me spend time with Ellie today. It's been almost a year since we last saw each other for an extended amount of time, and I would really like to catch up with her to see how she's been doing."
Sophia's face seemed to sink in relief when she said this. "You honestly couldn't have chosen a better time to come by. My husband and I have to go on a business trip for a few days and our nanny canceled last minute so we've been struggling to find someone that can watch Ellie." She stated. "Would you be willing to watch her? We'll pay you, of course."
"I would love to." I replied, smiling softly. "I can watch her all of the days that you and your husband will be gone, so you don't have to worry about having to find two people to watch her."
"Thank you so much." Sophia genuinely looked thankful that I had had such perfect timing, and I didn't blame her. There was no way that you could just leave an eleven year old home alone for a few days. "We'll pay you when we get back, and you can call either one of us if you need anything in the meantime. If we don't answer, just leave a message, and we'll call you back as soon as we possibly can."
"Sounds good."
"Ellie, come down here!" Sophia called out as she turned her head away from me. "Your father and I are leaving, and I still have to give you your allowance!"
A few moments later, Ellie emerged from upstairs and approached Sophia.
"Your nanny canceled last minute so this is who will be watching you." Sophia gestured towards me and Ellie immediately looked over. Her face lit up when her mind processed that I would be the one who was watching her. "You'll behave, right?"
"Yes, of course." Ellie replied, nodding frantically. "I'll be on my very best behavior."
"I'm glad to hear that." Sophia smiled brightly as she pulled a hefty amount of money from her purse. "Here's your allowance. If we come back and hear that you've been on your very best behavior like you promised just now, you'll get an extra allowance."
Ellie simply nodded as she gingerly placed the money into her pocket.
"Go say goodbye to your father now." Sophia instructed as she placed her wallet back into her purse.
Ellie immediately followed instructions and ran off, making her way up the stairs lightning fast.
"She's a very well behaved girl, so she shouldn't give you any trouble whatsoever." Sophia said as she turned her attention back to me and stepped outside. "But I'm sure you already knew that."
"Yeah." I replied as I smiled ever so slightly.
"Oh, before I forget..." Sophia trailed off as she started digging through her purse once more. After doing so, she pulled out a key and placed it in my hand. "I'm sure that you don't want to be cooped up in our house for the next few days, so here's the key."
"Thanks." I placed the key in the same pocket that my phone was in.
"No, thank you for coming through for my husband and me and watching Ellie for the next few days." Sophia smiled as she pulled up the handles of her suitcases. "We really appreciate it."
"It's no problem really." I shrugged.
"Speaking of husband, where's yours?" Sophia questioned. "You two seemed like you were basically inseparable."
"We're having some issues." I sighed, hoping that she wouldn't ask any questions.
"Oh." Sophia's smile faded away. "Well, I sure hope that you two resolve everything too."
"I do too." I frowned as well, but I was thankful she didn't press the matter any further.
An awkward silence followed after that, but thankfully, Sophia quickly broke it.
"Well, I best be going now. We'll see you in a few days."
I gave her a small goodbye wave before stepping into the flat, passing by her husband as he made his way out the door with his suitcases dragging behind him in the process.

*****

After the two of them were out of sight, I closed the door and locked it before I walked over to the staircase and called out for Ellie.
Ellie immediately emerged from what I assumed was her bedroom and raced down the steps, somehow managing not to trip in the process.
"Dan, I'm so glad that you're here!" She exclaimed as she looked around, her smile slowly dissipating as she did so. "Is Phil really not here again?"
I sighed as I shook my head.
"Why not?" She asked, sounding very concerned about the black haired and blue eyed man.
I sighed again. "It's a long story. All you need to know is that he's really sad."
"Why is he really sad?" Ellie asked, her concern only growing.
"I can't tell you." I continued to refuse to tell her the details of my situation with Phil.
"Why not?" Ellie whined ever so slightly. "I wanna make him feel better!"
"I know you do." I told her, wanting more than anything for her to just drop the subject and move on. "But you can't always help people. Sometimes you have to let people help themselves."
"But-"
"I know you want to help." I interrupted her before she could finish her sentence. "But there's nothing you can do."
"Then you have to help him!" Ellie cried out, growing more and more desperate at time went on. "He cares a lot about you! I'm sure he'll do anything you say!"
"I have tried to help him." I mumbled, talking more to myself than I was to Ellie at this point. "He doesn't want to listen."
"Why doesn't he want to listen?" Ellie asked quietly.
"Because he's an idiot!" I suddenly snapped and started yelling. "He's an idiot that has transformed into a complete stranger! There are little to no remains of the Phil you and I knew last Christmas! The Phil I left behind is someone who is pretty much unable to be helped at this point!"
"You left him behind?" Ellie asked, her voice weak as she visibly shook. "Why did you do that? I thought you loved him!"
"I do love him." For the first time, I didn't smile when I expressed for my love for Phil, and it physically hurt me that a smile didn't instinctively form on my face. "I love him more than anything in the world."
"Then why did you leave him?" Ellie's voice grew weaker and she started to shake even more. "You aren't supposed to leave the ones you love behind."
I was about to ask why she was shaking, but then I remembered that her parents had abandoned her and left her for dead in the cold London winter last year, and she was more than likely under the impression that her parents cared about her until that point.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a brief moment before I finally spoke again. "I know you aren't. Trust me, I know." I finally smiled, but it was probably one of the fakest smiles I managed to muster in quite a while. "You may not understand this now, but someday you will." I paused for a moment. "Sometimes it becomes exhausting to make someone happy, especially if it's someone you care about. You do and say all of this stuff, but try as you might, they're never satisfied with any of it, and because of this, you become more and more depressed until you eventually can't handle it anymore and at that point, you know the right thing to do is just leave because you've realized that nothing you ever do or say will satisfy them."
Ellie was silent as she looked me dead in the eyes. She then tilted her head to the side and bit her lip ever so slightly.
"What's the matter?" I asked, wondering if there was something wrong.
"Dan, please don't cry." She simply said.
"What do you mean?" I was genuinely confused. "I'm not crying." I replied as I ran my fingers through my hair.
"You look like you're about to." Ellie blinked as she continued to look up at me. "Your eyes have tears in them."
Sure enough, tears spilled out of my eyes when I blinked. I sighed as I reached up and wiped them away. I then silently walked over to the couch and sat down with my head facing down towards the ground.
"I didn't even know that there were tears in my eyes." I mumbled as I placed my hands over my face.
"It's okay." Ellie whispered as she gently moved my hands away from my face. "You don't have to cry. Everything's going to be okay."
I almost laughed at the very moment. Here I was, twenty-six years old and sitting on a couch that wasn't my on while crying my eyes out and be comforted by an eleven year old when it should be the other way around. I should be the one stepping up when she's upset and I should be strong enough to handle other people when they're upset.
But how can you do that when you can hardly handle yourself when you're the one who's upset?

"How exactly do you know everything's going to be okay?" I asked softly, watching as tears fell from my cheeks and onto the ground.
"I don't really know." Ellie shrugged. "I just have a feeling that it will be."
"Well, I sure wish I had your outlook." I sighed as I blinked and felt even more tears streaming down my face. I lightly shook my head as I wiped the tears away. "Anyway, I'm here for the next few days, so we shouldn't focus on the negative things. We should instead focus on the positive things. I mean, it's Christmas time, the most wonderful time of the year. Well, according to Phil, at least."
"I love Christmas too." Ellie said with a small smile on her face. "Christmas music is incredible, the snow is so beautiful, and pretty much everyone is in a really cheerful mood. Plus, people spend hours and hours trying to find the perfect gifts for the ones they love and then they go to visit family that they sometimes rarely ever see."
"You sound just like Phil." I gave her a sad smile as my mind took me back to all of times Phil gushed about Christmas. "No wonder you two got along so well."
Ellie's bright smile quickly turned into a frown. "I miss Phil. I miss him a lot. Will I ever get to see him again?"
"I don't know." I replied, shrugging it off since I didn't really want to ask her if she wanted Phil and I to officially adopt her or not just yet. I just wanted to enjoy spending time with her while I can since there was a very real chance that she could say that she wanted to stay with her current family. "I really don't know."
"Oh, okay." Ellie mumbled awkwardly as she looked down at the ground.

After a few moments of very awkward silence, I decided to finally break it. "Let's not spend our time moping about. Like you said before, it's Christmas time, and we're supposed to be happy so let's do just that."
"Yeah, you're right." Ellie smiled ever so slightly as she slowly looked back up at me.
I smiled back at her and asked, "Why don't you show me around? I want to see what kind of place that you've been calling home this whole time."
"Okay." Ellie said, her smile growing as she nervously reached out for my hand. I accepted her offer and grabbed ahold of her hand. Once I did, she started leading me around the house and telling me what each of the many, many rooms were. I learned that there were so many rooms that some of them went unused, which didn't surprise me since only three people lived here, but, despite that, there were more than enough rooms to house at least ten people very comfortably.

*****

"This is my room." Ellie said once we finally approached the very last room. She opened the door and led me inside to a room that was very extravagant. A rose pink king-size bed stood in the middle of the room covered with comforters and a headboard that made it look like it was fit for a princess. Just above the bed, a rose pink canopy hung above it, making the bed look even more like it was for a princess rather than just a regular, every day, eleven year old. Right next to the bed, there was a white vanity that was decorated with various trinkets, namely the music box Phil had gotten her for Christmas last year. It also had a case of nail polish and a nail polish dryer near the left corner and what appeared to be homework and textbooks on the right corner. On the other side of the bed, there was a bedside table that had a lamp that was the same color as both the canopy and the comforter and a light pink alarm clock. The walls were also light pink and had posters scattered all about them. In the closet, which was a walk-in closet that was so large that several people could comfortably fit in it at at once, there were outfits, mainly dresses, that looked to be worth a combined total of well over a thousand pounds. Right across from the closet, there was a giant dollhouse with dolls strategically placed in each and every one of the rooms. When I first saw it, I did a double take because I had no idea that dollhouses could even be that big. In fact, the dollhouse Ellie had was so big that it had to be placed near one of the corners of the room so that it wouldn't be right in the way. Right across from the dollhouse, there was a white bookcase that was completely filled with all kinds of books of different genres.

Needless to say, Ellie had been very well-off since she had gone off to live with her current family.

"Wow, this is a really big room." I breathed out as I kept looking around the humongous bedroom and trying to take it all in. "I've never seen a bedroom this big."
"Yeah, it sure is." Ellie replied, sounding sad rather than happy or proud of her room as she walked over to the white chair was sitting right by her vanity. "It's really nice, and I appreciate it a lot."
"Is that your homework?" I asked her as I walked up to the vanity and pointed to the stack of textbooks and papers that were on the vanity.
Ellie nodded and smiled as she grabbed all of it. "I've been going to school since September, and I've loved every second of it. It was really hard at first because I had no idea what I was doing, but the teachers helped me a lot and I managed to catch up really quickly. Now I'm one of the smartest kids in my class. Well, that's what all of my teachers say."
"I'm really glad to hear that." I smiled as Ellie put all of her school stuff into her backpack. "So, I'm guessing that you know how to read now?"
Ellie nodded again as she pointed to her bookshelf. "Ever since I learned, I've been reading so many books. I've actually almost read every single one of those books that are on that shelf."
"That's awesome." I grinned. "I'm glad that you were finally given the opportunity to learn how to read and the opportunity to go to school."
"Me too." She grinned back.
"Have you made any friends at school?"
"Only a couple." She shrugged. "I'm not really the kind of person that's very social. I'd much rather spend my time reading and learning new things than spend my time with other people."
"I understand where you're coming from. I used to be like that when I was your age."
"Really?" She asked, clearly surprised by this fact.
"Yep." I nodded. "I was horribly awkward and shy and I also didn't have very many friends. To be honest with you, I'm still like that."
"But at least you have Phil." She smiled brightly.
"Yep, I sure do." I gave her a half-hearted and forced smile, nodding my head to make both my statement and smile seem much more convincing.

Awkward silence fell upon us, and after a little bit of time had gone by, Ellie was the one when she looked over at her dollhouse and then looked back over at me. "You really don't have to if you don't want to, but would you like to play dolls with me?"
"Of course I would." I gave her a smile, having only agreed to her request because it was Ellie, and I cared a lot about her. Besides, it might be nice to forget everything for a little while and immerse myself in a story of a family that Ellie and I would create together.
"Awesome!" Ellie cried out excitedly as she ran over to the dollhouse and grabbed all of the dolls before placing them down on the floor. "Okay, so, I have ten dolls, and that means that each of us can play as five dolls." She looked over at me. "Come over here and pick out the five dolls that you want to play as."
I followed her instructions and picked out all of the boy dolls that she had, which, coincidentally, happened to be exactly five. One doll was an old man, one was an adult, one was a teenager, one was a child, and one was a toddler.
"I knew you would pick all of the boys." Ellie laughed as she pulled all of the girl dolls towards her.
"You don't want to hear me attempt to do a girl's voice, trust me." I laughed.
"You also don't want to hear me attempt to a boy's voice." She laughed as well. "It's really bad. It's almost as bad as my British accent."
"Well, if it makes you feel any better, my American accent is bad as well." I laughed again.
"I'm sure it's not that bad." Ellie grinned as she picked up the female child doll and placed her back up in one of the rooms and then picked up the female adult doll. "Well, anyway, let's come up with a story and get to playing already."
I nodded in agreement and allowed myself to forget everything that's happened with Phil and I over the past few months, forget all of the darkest days I've had ever since Phil and I's relationship slowly deteriorated right before my eyes, and forget all of the worries I've been having recently all in the name of creating a story for Ellie's dolls, something that I should've deemed childish and something that I shouldn't have been so invested again.
But I would be lying if I said that it wasn't nice to go back to the years of my life where I had little to no worries, even though none of my childhood was spent playing with dolls.