when was the last time you felt at home

at your home?

yeah, me neither.

*

in most indian languages

you don't say i'm leaving

when you leave.

instead, you say i'll come

as if even language won't let you

let go.

*

you'll get nothing by knowing

what a language can say

but a lot by knowing what it must say :

i had a friend over last night

in hindi malayalam or tamil must reveal

whether that friend was a man or a woman.

language : that's why i had no friends over.

language : is that why i had no friends?

*

i've seen two kinds of people :

those who chase after possibilities, the cans

and those who contend with inevitabilities, the musts.

poets are the second kind pretending to be the first.

and i'm not even a poet. i'm just a guy

who can't tell can from must.

*

i was a first draft in all of your arms.

everytime i was held i was crumpled

so that i won't take much space 

in your trashcans, your trashmusts.

i was not loved for who i am.

the one who is loved is not me.

and now these threshold years will decide

whether this breath scraping on my heartbeat

sings hello or says goodbye.

~ ajay

4/11/2022