Riley slammed her hand against her mouth, immediately fighting to take back the words that came spilling out.

But, she could take them back. 

They were out and there was going back from them, the same way I couldn't take back what I did to her the night of the accident. 

Riley's distorted words branded themselves into the back of my skull, adding to the ever-growing festering tempest of hatred I had for myself.  The simple fact she thought I chose to leave her spread the blackened, rotting spot inside my chest like gangrene. 

I wished Riley could understand that I didn't have any choice. Leaving her was not my decision, but I couldn't stay either. Deep down, I knew it was something that had to be done because I was so far gone that I couldn't find my way out, but the time away didn't actually matter.  Nothing changed for me, except I was lost even more without her.  The person I was right now was still stuck in the same place I was when Mark drove me back to Indiana—high and fucking pissed off at the world.

And also so fucking sad, so sad and confused.

I fought harder than I ever had in my life to hold onto my control and choke back the urge to scream at Riley, needing to unleash everything I was holding in. Even the secrets I didn't want her to know or that had nothing to do with her, were stuck to the tip of my tongue.  I was exhausted and so fucking tired of holding it all in a tiny bubble, hidden deep inside of me. 

It was explosive madness. Nothing connected or fit as it should.  I just wanted to feel the slightest semblance of normal or for it all to end, once and for all.

The only thing I was sure of was that I needed to love the girl standing in front of me. I had to spend the rest of my life cherishing every part of her if I was going to make it through another day.  That was it.  Riley Davis was the only person in this world who could make my storm clouds disappear. 

And yet, I never could hold onto her. Everyone got to have her—except me, and it wasn't fucking fair.

I couldn't breathe without her. 

Riley wasn't Aiden's or any other guys in the bar.  They couldn't give her what she needed. Only I could.  Even if I was fucked-up, worthless piece of shit, our paths were meant to cross.  I was destined to find her; she was supposed to be with me and only me—not anyone else.

"I'm the only one who gets to touch you." I hissed out as the possessive jealousy began bubbling up again. Every guy on the planet was a threat I had to take out to keep her by my side.

"We are not together, Ezra." Riley's hands drew dramatic patterns in the air as she spoke in a loud, clear voice.

"You still love me, Riley. I know you do." I yelled at her with absolute certainty as I began free-falling deep into another fit of anger towards the argumentative girl who was in complete denial. 

"What about this, do you not understand? Are you high or something?" She ripped my throat out and catapulted me off-course.

Riley figured it out.

She knew.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.  

My anger towards her dissipated and faded, evaporating into the chilled night air. It was replaced with my shame and guilt.

I couldn't look at Riley's face anymore because I couldn't lie to her if I did.  Part of me was slightly relieved at the thought that the sneaking around and hiding my addiction was finally over, but the other part was terrified of what her reaction would be now that she knew the ugly truth. 

Would she laugh at me or scream in my face?

Would she tell me how stupid and useless I was?

Or would she just walk away?

If she left me alone, it would surely kill me dead in this exact spot.

Every muscle in my body tensed, waiting for the blows to be hurled at me. I knew I deserved every terrible thing she could do to me.  The seconds felt like hours as I stood there waiting for the hurt.  She was going to leave me. 

Riley was fucking going to leave.

Instead of backing away from me, Riley moved in closer and crouched down a little to try to get me to look into her eyes.   

"How long, Ezra?" Riley asked.

I turned my head away from her to keep myself from breaking apart.  There was no relief in her figuring it all out, and it didn't make me feel any better. My girl was one more strike of the chisel away from knocking down the wall I was hiding behind. 

I had to keep it standing.

The wall had to stay up.

"How long?" Riley's voice softened sympathetically.

I couldn't let her do it.

I couldn't let her in.

I couldn't stand the careful tone in her voice, treating me like I was fragile and would crack any second.  Riley was trapping me in this alley with her when all I wanted to do was run as fast as my legs could carry me.

I felt wrong.

This whole situation was so fucking wrong.

I was stronger than this.

I had to be stronger. 

"You should have told me," Riley placed her gentle hand on me.

The mortar holding me together finally cracked and I crumbled under her pressure.

"Tell you what, Riley? Tell you I'm a horrible drunk, a pathetic junkie, and that you were better off without me?"  My whole body shook under her hand, attempting to rebuild the barrier she tore down. Brick by brick, I placed the stones back up in front of me, but Riley kicked them all back down before I could fortify the foundation.

I had spent nine months yearning for nothing else but this girl's touch, but it was the last thing I wanted right now.

"You should have told me how bad it was so I could have helped you." Riley watched me with every cautious word she spoke. Her large green eyes filled with tears as she looked at me with pity.

"No one can help me, not even you," I mumbled.

Riley lifted her hand to my face. She gently slid her thumbpad around my eyebrow rings and then back over my temple, removing the messy strands of hair from my face.  I shook my head to try to get them to fall back over me and keep me hidden away from her. The girl I loved would see the red-rimmed, bloodshot eyes and the darkness surrounding them. Riley would realize I wasn't worth the kindness she was showing me.

Why did I have to be this person? What the fuck was wrong with me? 

The blond kept looking at me without blinking, studying me like she was seeing me for the first time. There was no judgment in her eyes, only concern and maybe—just maybe—the teeniest bit of understanding.

Riley knew the truth and she was still here. 

Why was she still here?

I let out a long sigh I was holding in and leaned into Riley's palm harder, letting her tender hand soothe and comfort me. I wanted to hold onto her but was terrified to move, afraid she would let me go. 

Riley was deep in thought as she gazed up at me uncertainly. Her head was as full as mine and just as jumbled. The beautiful girl bit the inside of her cheek like she was mulling over some deep thoughts, chewing on them while she decided what to say next.  I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and for her to tell me she was done with me.

Nobody in their right mind would ever want to be with someone as fucked up as I was.

"You're not driving like this. I'll take you home." Riley tenderly whispered, surprising me.

I shut my eyes tight and agreed without any hesitation. Even if it only meant I had a few more minutes with her, the short ride home together would mean more than she would ever know.  

"My shift is almost over. Please go wait for me in my car and don't come back in the bar. Jules will call the cops on you if he sees you. I will drive you home after we close the bar down. Do not try to leave." Riley instructed.

My girl reached into her pocket and pulled out a set of keys that had a small purple and pink cloth keychain with her name scrawled across it.  She grabbed my hand and turned it over, placing them softly in my palm. Goosebumps spread down my forearm as her fingers brushed my palm lightly. 

My fist closed around the pink letters on the keychain and I turned away from her intense scrutiny.  Her eyes were on my back the whole walk through the alleyway towards the place in the lot where she always parked her shitty car. 

My fingers traced the stitched lettering of her name on the keychain while I contemplated going to the driver's seat and driving the car straight into the brick wall. I wanted to rid her of the burden that was me, but I couldn't force myself to go through with it. I was too fucking selfish to make her life easier by ending mine. 

I slid into the passenger seat and stuck the keys in the ignition but didn't have the energy to start the car.  I could feel the weight of the pills in my pocket, smashed against my thigh.  They weren't going to be there much longer.  I needed them to numb the feelings inside me that I didn't even have a name for.

I took out the pills that I stole from Sean earlier and flipped the cap off the bottle.  I never had any intentions of using them tonight but sitting alone with my head right now was not an option.

I opened my mouth and placed four round, blue pills on my tongue.  I opted to dry-swallow them all at once since I didn't have an easy way to crush them and I couldn't stomach the idea of the bitterness that came from chewing them. It would take a little longer for them to drag me under, but they would last a longer this way.

There were only six more Benzos left after the ones floating in my stomach disappeared--which meant only six more chances for me to get through this pain.

I closed my eyes and waited for them to take me over.  Thirty minutes was a long fucking time when you felt like your insides were being shredded apart.  I should have gone back inside the bar to wait for Riley to finish up for the night instead of sitting in the fucking car, torturing myself.  I would have felt better faster with a drink in my hand and my eyes on the girl. 

The silence started fading and the sound of twisted music blared through a loudspeaker in my head.  The notes resembled a mutated version of the song I started writing for Riley.  The one I was always writing but never seemed to be able to finish.  I tried to keep my focus long enough to tear the melody apart and piece it back together until it made sense. 

When I finally thought I had the notes back where they belonged, the music slowly started to fade and I didn't know where it went.

I searched and searched for the melody, but I couldn't find it again.

I stifled a yawn and began to realize just how tired I was starting to feel when the pills started kicking in. I fumbled with the passenger seat latch to lay back a little but couldn't get it to move. Finally, I gave up and slumped down in the seat, resting my head against the passenger-side window glass.

The smooth surface felt really good against my skin, cold and solid—the only stable thing in the car I could safely rest against.

I just needed a little nap so I could remember where I was and why I was there.