The smell of cheap lemon disinfectant rolls up my nose as the beeping of monitors forces me out of my sleep. I force my eyes open and look at my surroundings.

The white walls jump out at me while the numerous monitors continue to beep in the background. I try to roll my shoulder as I notice the thick, white cast like structure keeping it bound to my upper body.

I turn my head to see a medium-sized glass window on the door of the room. I can just make out the shape of my mother's face through the window.

She seems to be talking with someone. I see her eyes widen and how her mouth forms a big O. My mother is shocked. I crane my neck to try and hear what she is saying, but my attempts are futile.

I try to sit up, right when the door opens to the statute of my 5'5 mother.

''Oh Cara, you're up. How do you feel honey?'' she asks, as she proceeds to sit on my bed, extending a hand to feel my forehead. ''I was just about to wake you,'' she continues, ''the doctor wants to talk to you.''

I see an older man come through the door of my room. White lab coat, glasses, a stethoscope around his neck - yes, defiantly a doctor.

''I feel fine mom, just a little sore,'' I say as I look around the room some more. My brain starts to piece together the numerous machines, combined with the plain white walls and the permanent smell of disinfectant, as the room of a hospital.

''What-what happened?'' I ask, my brain failing to remember what happened to cause me to be hospitalized.

''You fainted honey.'' She says, seeing the confusion on my face, she explains. ''At the swim meet, you tore a muscle in your shoulder. After you came out of the water, you stumbled and fainted. The doctors said it was a normal reaction to the pain.''

I try to roll my shoulder again, causing a surge of pain to hit my shoulder. I grimace.

''Good morning Cara. How are you feeling?'' He asks while checking the chart pinned to the front of my bed.

''All right, I guess. A little sore and my shoulder, well you know, hurts if I move it.''

I see him nod, look at the chart some more, and finally his eyes on me. He puts the chart back down and slides the glasses of his nose and into his coat pocket.

''Do you remember what happened Cara?''

''Not really. It's all a mess.'' I look at my mother, '' my mom said I stretched a muscle or something.''

The doctor sighs and looks at me. ''Well, it's a little bit more complicated than that. When you were swimming,'' he pauses to look at me.

''You tore your rotator cuff. That is a little part in your shoulder that connects all of the different muscles and enables you to, basically swim.''

''But I'll still be able to swim right? I mean I've pulled muscles before, a week or so of taking it slowly and I'll be good again.'' I say, looking up at him.

He doesn't respond, looking for confirmation I ask again. ''Right?''

''Normally, with a rotator cuff tear, you do some physical therapy, a couple of weeks of less intensive training and you should be fine. However-''. He lets out a deep sigh and continues.

''-However, your injuries were very severe. You almost completely tore your rotator cuff. That's why you were having difficulties getting out of water. Due to the extent of your injuries, we had to operate on you.''

''How soon can I swim again?'' I ask him.

''Sweetie,'' my mom interrupts, '' maybe it would be better to hold off on swimming for a while, I mean-''.

I whip my head in her direction, ''Mom'', I hiss. ''Swimming is my life, it's my future. I can't stop.''

I turn my head back to the doctor and repeat, ''How soon can I swim again?''

He looks down, not answering me.

I stare at him. Willing him to tell me that everything will be alright. That I'll need some physical therapy but that I'll be able to swim again.

My mother tries again. ''Cara, there are other things in life than swimming. How about your cousin Sally, she's in her school newspaper. That's interesting? You know, sniffing out a story, getting the scoop!''

I turn away from the doctor to face my mother. ''I'm not gonna join the newspaper, I'm a swimmer. I swim. There's no need for me to find another hobby, cause I'll be fine. I'll be able to swim again.'' 

I face the doctor, ''Right?''

He turns away, not wanting to look at me. ''Cara. Your injuries were very severe, and we had to operate. Now as a result of this you'll need to do quite a lot of physical therapy. If you-'' his voice falters.

He coughs and starts again. ''You'll need lots of physical therapy in order to regain complete use of your arm.''

I start to breathe more heavily. I can feel my heart starring to pound in my chest. ''And to swim?'' I ask, still not wanting to give up.

''There is an almost non-existent chance you'll ever be able to swim competitively again.''

I see my mom trying to reach out and hug me. I move away, closing my eyes.

The doctor continues to tell my mom something before he leaves the room but I don't hear it.

My heart pounds and I feel a big fat tear roll down my cheek as the realization sinks in. I will never swim professionally again. My whole future, everything that I've been working forwards to, gone. My childhood dream of swimming in the Olympics erased, in the blink of an eye.

I turn away, not being able to face my mother knowing, that it's all over.

Hiii🙋🏼‍♀️,
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~XOXO, Blair✨