trigger warning but there's no suicide i pinky promise

f is for funky i will not be taking constructive criticism at this time

Harry was having a bad day.

He joined Pansy in the library, where all of her books were shoved to the side in favor of one bottle of red nail polish.

"What stopped you from killing yourself when you were at your lowest?"

Pansy didn't take her eyes off of her second coat of nail polish. "I can't let my mom think that it's her fault."

Harry didn't have a mom to worry about. 

*

Harry was having a bad day.

He curled up in Ron's bed, still shaking from his nightmare.

"What stopped you from killing yourself when you were at your lowest?"

Ron didn't open his eyes. "My parents would have to sit down my siblings and tell them what happened and I can't do that to them."

Harry didn't have siblings to worry about.

*

Harry was having a bad day.

He sat next to Hermione before class, not bothering to take out the homework he hadn't done.

"What stopped you from killing yourself when you were at your lowest?"

Hermione didn't look up from her book. "I try to always test things once before I do them, and you can only die once."

Harry had already died once before. What was one more time?

*

Harry was having a bad day.

He approached Neville in the greenhouses, leaning against the glass wall.

"What stopped you from killing yourself when you were at your lowest?"

Neville didn't avert his gaze from the plants in front of him. "My best friend would be all alone without me by her side."

Harry's best friends would have each other.

*

Harry was having a bad day.

He sat next to Luna by the Great Lake, drawing his knees to his chest.

"What stopped you from killing yourself when you were at your lowest?"

Luna's gaze didn't turn away from the stars. "I couldn't do that to my girlfriend."

Harry didn't have one.

*

Harry was having a bad day.

He sat across from Blaise in the Great Hall, grabbing a plate.

"What stopped you from killing yourself when you were at your lowest?"

Blaise didn't dare look in him the eyes. "I don't want to end up like my father."

Harry wouldn't have to worry about that. He had always wanted to be like his father.

*

Harry was having a bad day.

He sat next to Draco on the couch in the Eighth Year common room.

"What stopped you from killing yourself when you were at your lowest?"

Draco looked up from his homework, setting down his quill before he met Harry's eye and answered, "I haven't finished my shampoo and conditioner at the same time."

Harry blinked. "Pardon?"

Draco shrugged. "It's the thing I want to do, ya know? I haven't done it yet."

Harry hadn't either.

*

Harry was having a bad day.

He sat next to Draco on the couch in the Eighth Year common room.

"I finished my shampoo and conditioner at the same time."

"Me too," Draco said distractedly, scribbling down an answer.

"Are you going to end it now?"

"No. I haven't made a perfect batch of chocolate chip cookies yet."

"Sorry?"

"You know what chocolate chip cookies are, right?"

"Obviously, but-"

"I haven't made a completely perfect batch yet."

Harry hadn't either.

*

Harry was having a bad day.

He sat next to Draco on the couch in the Eighth Year common room.

"So. We made perfect chocolate chips cookies yesterday."

"Indeed we did."

"Are you going to end it now?"

"No. I haven't seen a double rainbow yet."

"You- what?"

"A double rainbow. You know, two rainbows in the sky at the same time? I haven't seen one yet."

Harry hadn't either.

*

Harry was having a bad day.

He sat next to Draco on the couch in the Eighth Year common room.

"There was a double rainbow over Hogwarts yesterday."

"Yep."

"Are you going to end it now?"

"No. There's a dance tomorrow."

"What?"

"A dance tomorrow. I want to go. Want to come with me?"

"Erm. Sure?"

"Cool. I've never gone to a dance with a boy before."

Harry hadn't either.

*

Harry was having a bad day.

He sat next to Draco on the couch in the Eighth Year common room.

"So. We went to the dance yesterday."

"Yeah."

"Are you going to end it now?"

"No. I haven't confirmed that the giant squid is real yet."

Harry huffed. "What are you doing?"

Draco met his eyes warmly. "Attempting to confirm the existence of something no one's documented yet?"

"No. What are you doing with all of these... excuses?"

Draco shrugged, a small smile gracing his lips. 

"You have to find something to live for, even the smallest things. Things you haven't done yet. Seen all the kinds of flowers. Had a butterfly land on your hand. Fallen in love. Had your heart broken. Gotten drunk. Gotten high. Painted something you're proud of. Done eyeliner evenly. Eaten every kind of candy. Kissed a girl, kissed a boy, kissed someone who doesn't identify as either, kissed someone platonically, kissed someone romantically. Had sex with a boy, girl, someone who's neither, someone who's both, someone who changes between them. Found a platonic life partner. Danced in the rain. Screamed at lightning. Traveled the world. Scuba-dived. Had a baby, adopted a kid, rescued a puppy, bought a kitten. Made funny faces at fish in aquariums. Stood up for someone you didn't know. Decided your gender. Decided your sexuality. Decided you don't want to decide. Watched a sunset from a rooftop, watched a sunrise from the mountains, watched the stars from the sea. Painted seashells and put them back on the beach for someone to find. Handed out nice notes to random people. Counted to seven trillion. Seen that orange fuck in America get thrown in a dumpster. Graduated. Had a random hookup. Had a relationship for years. Met someone named Brad who isn't a total douchebag. Made a lesbian best friend, met a nonbinary person, hugged a genderflux person. Helped a transgender person through their transition. Watched someone's eyes light up when you call them by the right pronouns. Given an inspirational speech. Beaten every level in Candy Crush. Learned four languages. There are a million things you haven't done yet, and you have to do them before you think about killing yourself."

"But..." Harry swallowed. "What about when it gets hard? The bad days?"

Draco gave him a soft smile.

"A bad day doesn't make a bad life."