Dear Brendon Urie

Ironic, isn't it? Writing my note with the starting line from a musical where a guy goes through with it...

You know, you think that when the thoughts finally go away, you're free!.. In reality, they just lie dormant. They never really go away.

Do you remember 8th grade? That entire week I missed, and how the teachers acted really weird around me for like a month after?

That was my first taste of... Well...

I wasn't going to. I just... The marks I hid under my long sleeves... The ones that you caught onto our freshman year, I was just adding to them when I...

They try to pretend it's a happy home, Brendon. They try to pretend he doesn't... It's all a game that I can't be a part of anymore.

He broke my ribs a few weeks ago. I talked back and...

I'm not sure what hurts worse; the physical or emotional snaps.

When you crawled through my window that night, I didn't feel so alone. I felt like I could find strength in you. When we talked, there was just so much I wanted to say... But you were asleep. You were dreaming, and maybe I was too.

I had at least hoped that you would have stayed. You always slept like a rock. I tossed and turned in your arms, but you kept sleeping!

Then, I woke up to yelling in my face before a slap and...

I shouldn't trail off, since this could be the last thing anyone sees from me, but I don't want to write it. I don't want to write out what I've been through. This final thing is enough.

I've written and rewritten this letter so many times. I'll think I have it right and then I'll look up at you...

God, you!

Brendon, I care about you so much. From our first kiss in the movie theater when we all went out for Pete's birthday, to when you tried a relationship with Dallon that ended in you crying into my chest. I care about you so much and when I look at you, I just want to stay...

Would you want me to stay?

I hope, but then I watch you choose past lovers over me... I asked you to stay and you left... That's what hurt the worst.

I shouldn't hurt, but I do. I didn't want to go... I stopped marking my arms. I started enjoying life.

But everything went downhill again.

It always goes downhill.

I'm sorry. I really care about you. I'll miss you, if I can still feel after...

Don't forget me? You'll live, I'll die, just remember the stories of our times together.

My family won't. Our friends will move on. You're the person I've been closest to. That's why I wrote you the note. That's why I'm leaving my last words to you.

I'm sorry. I hope you find a better a way to be happy again.

Sincerely,
Me