A/N: I got to perform this scene with my friend Blue. I was Amy-Joy while she was Amy-Beth.

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Life Under Water

by Richard Greenberg

1999

Scene: Long Island's southern fork, summer

TWO WOMEN

Amy-Joy (18-25) and Amy-Beth (18-25) best friends on vacation at the shore.

Here Amy-Joy confesses to terrorizing a little girl who is afraid of sea monsters.

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Beth: So tell me.

Joy: You'll die. I'm bad, I'm so bad.

Beth: What did you do?

Joy: You will just die.

Beth: And what if I don't?

Joy: I'll be very disappointed. But it's not gonna happen, it's just not gon-

Beth: So you went out to alley her fears...

Joy: I went out because the little one, the girl-

Beth: Yes, I know who you mean.

Joy: Isolde? Shit, what kind of people name their kids Tristan and Isolde and the dogs Brian and Susan? I mean-

Beth: Your uncle.

Joy: Uncle Andre, wouldja believe? Andre Vinegrad as in Abe Weingarten. I mean, the whole family.

Beth: And you went out to alley her fears.

Joy: 'Causes she thinks she sees a sea monster. I find out. I go there, I find it out. The other kid-

Beth: Tristan, this is.

Joy: Tristan-you believe that? A name like that he's gonna have serious trouble dating.

Beth: And then what happened?

Joy: And then what happened is like the other kid's a one-of-those-kids-he swims-like-a-fish... water baby! Like this article in People magazines, and he's in it naked. So he's cool about the whole deal, he's working on her, saying there is no such thing as a sea monster, you know?

Beth: Mm-hm.

Joy: And he's got her just about I would say half convinced. And I'm watching and I'm thinking, well nothing for me to do, a child is more likely to respond to a sibling, anyway-I took this family planning course-

Beth: Things are going smoothly.

Joy: Things are going smoothly. And I thin-I don't know what came over me-I see this little child, five years old-I see this kid, she looks so goddamn innocent, and I think-wouldn't it be kind of neat to scare her shitless?

Beth: You didn't.

Joy: I did.

Beth: Of course you did.

Joy: Who knows why?

Beth: Sea monster exist.

Joy: In a big way.

Beth: Amy-Joy-

Joy: Shame on me, I know, I know. But you should see this kid. Too dumb for life. Her eyes look like

Beth: A simile?

Joy: ...Big. Very big. The eyes are very big. 'Cause I tell her these sea monsters in the sea-and they eat anybody's ever been in the sea so too late now-and they especially eat little girls who someday intend have expensive nose jobs-'cause already they're planning it, you can tell. And they especially especially eat little girl with stupid names. And they got these big, humongous-this is the best part-these big, humongous-

Beth: Jaws.

Joy: Jaws? You said it. 'Cause like she's got the lunch box? with the shark? with the mouth? with the kid? with the blood?

Beth: So right now she's-

Joy: Right now she's pissing her pants. But the beauty part is even if she never goes back in the water again, I fixed it so she's terrified. I traumatized her.

Beth: Why?

Joy: Why? Because. It was something to do. I was bored. Because her father's a fairy antiques dealer.

Beth: I wander what she saw actually...

Joy: Probably Tristan's little zorch.

Beth: Would that have scared her?

Joy: It scares you doesn't it?

Beth: I'm another story.

Joy: You're telling me... Hey.

Beth: (Pause.) Yes?

Joy: You're all right, aren't you? I mean... You're all right.

Beth: I'm all right.

Joy: Good. Let's do something tonight.