REGRET&RUMINATION

Chapter Five

The world is gray

–

CARMEN

'That's quite alright'?? She had answered Brekker, with 'That's quite alright'? The man had walls up all the time, and now they'd certainly reach new heights with how she spoke to him. The facade was slowly slipping away, wasn't it? She couldn't pretend that attending university and getting a steady job was her only ambition. It was bound to happen, she was planning to reveal the truth of her agenda eventually, she just hadn't expected to start so soon. The words and exasperation just...fell out of her mouth, heat of the moment, perhaps after thinking of Mal and Alina.

Fine, she was a bit jealous of them, the Crows. Of their tight friendship. Had Carmen ever had such a close friend, someone to tell all her secrets to, who would understand her, and who she could be vulnerable around? Jesper, of course, was a good friend, a casual friend. She could be comfortable around him. Right up until he had her kidnapped, of course. He did apologize, and it was fine, honestly. No lingering injuries or mental trauma, and a free trip to Ravka was actually a plus in her plans. But it was a breach of trust that made her realize they weren't as close as she thought.

Because he had other friends, Inej, Kaz, that he was closer to than Carmen herself. It was probably all these negative emotions she was thinking of at the time that made her slip her tongue. She regretted what she said, of course, who wouldn't regret making threats or speaking hastily to Kaz Brekker? But it happened, and she let the thought of the ramifications of what she said float around in her mind like a lozenge, tossing it around. What would Brekker do now, that he knew she was more than just a coincidental friend of the Sun Summoner?

And yet, for all these great goals she had in her mind, there wasn't a secure plan to follow through. She knew what she had to do, but not the exact path of how to get there.

The First Phase was much easier than the second. She had been following the news for months in Ketterdam, waiting for the break she needed to act. The papers, which read the headlines "Shu Ambassador Murdered and Dismembered, Bringing the Count to Four..." were not helpful to her, not if she was the one doing the dismembering. But the Ambassadors themselves relayed important information, not without a lot of 'You'll never get away with this!' nonsense. The last, the fourth one, was the one who actually ended up having information that mattered.

To anyone, he was another Shu visiting, but to anyone Shu, the customary gray robes he wore spoke for themselves, walking through the Upper Sectors. Perhaps he was there to talk international business and to fill the clan's coffers with Kerch money. But he made the mistake of staying too late in a meeting one day, and a student had bumped into him, coming back from the library nearby.

"Oh!" She had said, startled, and dropped one of her heavy textbooks. He had looked at her disdainfully, and tsked. Noticing his features, she had switched to his native Shu, "Sorry." He turned away from her with a sour look, ready to continue on his way.

"Sorry, I meant," she spoke again, "that you had the misfortune to meet me."

She had toyed with him, it was a while since she had fought anyone worthwhile. Cataloged his steps, as she lunged- if she were to feint left would he parry, and so on. It was a learning opportunity, and as the academic she was, treated it like one. There really was nothing quite like the House of Clouds when it came to fighting, and she noticed how his eyes widened when she had mirrored his steps.

He had drawn the sword fastened discreetly at his side soon after she had first lunged at him with a small knife in her hand. It was a beautiful weapon, she saw, eyes captured by the blade as it flashed before her eyes. Different from the brutality of how weapons and fights were in Ketterdam, where everyone cared for their lives and money but no one cared for the art of it. He must have been someone of relatively high rank to be gifted such a well-crafted piece of metal. It was etched with swirling patterns, glittering like diamonds in the moonlight. And he wielded it just as graceful, a shame he would not have lived past the hour.

She had bid her time well in Ketterdam, and after that incident she had learned the House was making plans with the Grishan Second Army. Investing in Ravkan soldiery. "Have you forgotten you are Shu?" She had asked him, thinking of the war, their own men they should have been investing in instead.

He spat at her, "And yet you speak our language with a Ravkan accent." She cut off his tongue then. Well, now you can't speak at all.

"Just the one," Carmen told the lady at the post, setting her parcel on the counter. "Do you perhaps take kruge?"

–

They had agreed to reconvene at the tavern in the evening, after the palace blueprints were successfully acquired. As the sun had a ways to go before it fell, and Carmen didn't feel like returning to the tavern in case she were to run into any of the 'gang,' after her interaction with Brekker, Carmen had some time to kill. It had been a full day since they had left the Ketterdam harbor, and her back was starting to ache from having to keep a straight posture all day.

It's not like she didn't want to sit down, slouch, and relax, it was that she couldn't. And the jacket she was wearing- it was suitable for the drab Ravkan climate, but after having it on for hours, it started to get a little stifling. Eyeing the remnants of volcra blood on it from the day's earlier pursuits, she scrunched her face in disgust.

Hopefully it wouldn't stain, but she would need to scrub it. She suddenly felt the need to wash her face and hair as well, so there would be no trace of the volcra or the Fold anywhere on her. It was a terrible thing, the Fold. What kind of monster would ever think of creating such a thing? That phantom darkness– how could she ever get over the fear it brought her? How could she ever-

No. She thought, I will get over it, because I have to. I've already traveled this far into Ravka, right? It was only Eastward from here.

Trodding around the city, her eyes quickly fell upon one of the more intricately designed buildings; an engraved 'Library' sign above the grand doors. Finally, a place where she could feel a bit more at home.

When she walked in, Carmen ignored the dirty looks from the employees at the front. Yeah, it definitely was reminding her of her previous time in the country. But, it's not like she could help that she was Shu. Continuing her traverse first to the washrooms that most usually frequented such large buildings, Carmen looked around to make sure no one was watching her too keenly.

Stepping into the small room, she quickly locked the door. Basking in the welcomed privacy, Carmen let out a deep breath. Undoing the buttons that held her jacket together in the middle, she slowly shed herself from the sleeves and laid it gently on the sink. The thin leather cord wrapped around her shoulders and tied around her torso was now on show to the world, and she glimpsed at the slim knife concealed under her jacket as well.

The tap soon heated up and using the meager soap in the washroom, she began to scrub at the stains in her jacket. It was disgusting, really. The dark liquid had a foul aroma when it came into contact with the hot water and Carmen had to refrain herself from belching at the mere thought of the vile creatures it came from.

After the stain had lessened to the point of 'well, in certain lightings you can make it out, but honestly, you can hardly see how a volcra was impaled on the roof of our train and bled on me,' she hung it back over the sink. Soon making quick work of the tie in her front, the release of the knotted pressure from the cord gave her back instant relief.

After fetching it from where it was safely tucked away, attached to one of her bed rungs, she had tied it to her back. Carmen's hands once again rose towards the back of her neck, to reach for what was attached closely to the length of her spine. Grasping the handle placed just behind her hair, Carmen pulled upwards and out of an ornate sheath became a magnificent blade.

–

MAL

"Oretsev!" The supervisor crowed, calling out the weekly mail. Mal jumped in his seat and stood to receive his letter, eager to check what he was sent. Did Alina finally reply to him? Why had it taken her so long? Looking down though, the elegant scrawl on the envelope did not belong to her. Disappointment swelled, and Mal let out a tense sigh.

Besides her, who else would send him anything? There was no return address on the envelope, only his own name and regiment. Ripping the seal open with his thumb, he read the enclosed message.

Dear Mal,

How have you been? I recognize this letter might seem an oddity to you as we have not been the closest in the past nor in current correspondence, but this is a matter of moderate urgency. I hope you and Alina have still maintained your close friendship since I left for Ketterdam. As such, I assume you have heard the news of a Sun Summoner in Ravka, and can ascertain to such's identity. I fear there may be groups of people trying to cause her harm (for example, foreign groups who plan to kidnap her for ransom), and I need you to help me make sure she is safe. Are you still in communication with her? Find a way to the Little Palace (surely they would let a trusted friend of the new Saint in? That is, if you haven't traveled with her there already, I don't imagine you would let her go alone), I have returned to Ravka and will be there during the Winter Fete.

By the way, be cautious of the Darkling. Weren't you always curious about my belongings and how I ended up at the orphanage all those years ago? When we meet again, I think it will be the right time to tell you and Alina.

– Carmen

--

author's note

this chapter is short and all over the place which i apologize for lmao it's unedited too, which i will regret later but just want to get it out so i can work on the next one