A week passed by. A week of working hard. A week without any sign of life from Julian. His absence left a hollow feeling inside. A void I tried to fill by putting in some extra hours of work. At this point, I would've taken every opportunity to keep myself from getting lost in my thoughts. Work was a welcome distraction. But I made sure not to fall back into old habits. I tried my best to create new habits to create and maintain a healthier work-life balance.

And that was what I was doing now. I was waiting for Ava in Greenwich Village for our very first cooking class. Of course, she knew I could use all the help I could get now that I vowed not to eat in the office or order take-out every night. My new aim was to prepare a home-cooked meal at least three nights a week. Cooking was supposed to be relaxing and a great attribute to that balanced life, at least, that was what the internet told me.

A taxi stopped in front of me and Ava stepped out. She greeted me with a tight hug. "Who are you and what have you done to my sister? I expected you to come rushing in the minute the class would start. But you're here. With some time to spare may I add."

"It's good to see you too, sis. If I'm serious about making some changes in my life, I need to commit to them. So here I am. I'm committing to this cooking class. And besides that, I'm excited to spend some quality time with you."

The smile on Ava's face brightened. "I'm happy too." The look in Ava's eyes slowly turned more serious as she carefully observed me. "You're dead serious about this, aren't you? Is this about him?"

This was a tricky question. It was tricky because I didn't know the exact answer to it. Was this because of him? I was positive I wasn't doing this for him exactly. I wanted and needed to do this for myself, to break old habits. But it was him who made me open my eyes and look at my life choices more critically. I couldn't go on living my life the way I did. This, I've known for a while, and yet, I had nothing to show for it. Of course, I was serious about making the changes in my life because let's face it, I wasn't living a particularly healthy life. I just had to remind myself that no big change in habits changed overnight, and neither would this.

"To be honest, I don't know. I want to say I'm doing this for just me, but I love him, Ava. The truth is that it hurts me not to talk to him, not being able to hug him, to kiss him to listen to him, or just to have him around. It hurts and it sucks." Tears escaped from my eyes and I wiped them away quickly. I did not want to show my vulnerability. I did not want to seem weak.

"At this point I want nothing more than to rush over to him, to promise him that all would be different this time, but I need to prove to myself first that I can make changes. Changes that will improve my life. And let's start doing that by cooking one dish at a time."

I needed to take a breather from this topic. Ava wouldn't be Ava if she hadn't picked up on my subtle effort to divert the attention from Julian. She looked at her watch. "I believe it's about time we go inside and learn to cook our hearts out. I hope it's something tasty, cause I'm quite hungry. We better not screw this up."

I looked at her, my face blank. "Way to build up the pressure, Sis. You just watch out, there are probably knives in there."

Ava just laughed and wrapped her arm around my shoulder, pulling me inside the building. "You know you love me. And you know I can stitch myself up if it's needed. So all you'll manage is to deliver me a scar. Is that something you'd be proud of?"

The following our, Ava and I indeed cooked our hearts out. In the quite literal sense of the word. Our entire workstation was covered in flower, eggshells were on the ground and tomato sauce was all around. We looked around and watched the workstations of others and a wave of shame washed over us. The judging look of the instructor added to that shame. Ava and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. Our pizza was in the oven and we started cleaning our cooking station with a big smile on our faces.

For the first time this week, my muscles didn't feel tense, my breathing felt just a bit deeper and slower. For the first time this week, I felt relaxed. The cooking class was not the cause of this relaxed feeling, spending time with my sister, laughing, feeling lighthearted, I needed those things in my life. I needed them more than money in the bank, more than my father's appreciation.

Twenty minutes later, our mess was cleaned and our pizza sat on the counter, half-eaten. "With the mess we made, I expected this to taste like shit. I have to say, I'm proud we didn't set this place on fire."

Ava laughed. "So, no more cooking classes for us, huh?"

"I still intend to cook some of my meals. But I think it would be much safer to ask mom for help. I mean, she knows how to deal with us. She has done so for over twenty years." Besides that, I believe I need to spend some time with my mom as well. Over the years, I shut her out because of my dad, and that's not fair to the woman who gave me life.

"She would have a field day, and you know it. She's been trying to get us into the kitchen with her since forever. Be prepared."

"Thank you for today, Ava. I really needed this." I said as we walked outside.

Ava's expression softened and a warm smile spread on her face. "You're very welcome. I had fun."

On our way, we passed a food truck that served pastries and coffee. We decided to treat ourselves. When we stood in line, waiting, Ava looked me in the eyes. "So, what are you going to do next? Are you going to pursue him?"

I sighed a deep sigh. I knew the conversation would eventually turn back to the topic of Julian, but talking about him, about losing him, still hurt more than I'd like to admit.

"I have no clue. I want him back, yes. But part of me can't. I have spent so much time fighting for dad's attention and approval and what has it gotten me? I don't want to have to do that for a relationship as well."

Ava just nodded, to let me know she was still listening. It felt good to be able to open up to her about this. It helped that Ava was a good listener. I didn't sense any judgment from her and it felt safe to tell her, to be vulnerable with her.

"I've fallen in love with him, hard. But he walked away from me. He told me he loved me, but that he thought he wanted more. How can one think that and tell someone they love them? What if I fight, and he walks away because I'm not enough?"

Ava stepped closer and brought her hand to my face. She wiped away the tears that I didn't know I was shedding. More tears followed and a sob escaped me. What a mess I was, crying in the middle of the street.

Ava pulled me away from the waiting line, grabbed my face in her hands. "Listen to me, and listen to me closely. You are enough You're more than enough. Heck, Luce, you're a catch. Don't you know I've always looked up to you? You're strong, smart, and drop-dead gorgeous. Every guy, or girl for that matter, would be lucky to have you."

"Okay, so dad didn't appreciate you the way you wanted. But that's his flaw. Not yours. There's nothing you could've done different to change his opinion, because you don't have a penis and he is stuck up and chauvinistic like that. And we both know that's not going to change. But like I said before, that's on him and not on you. You can't keep punishing yourself because of his shortcomings, it's not healthy."

Before I could say anything else, Ava pulled me in a tight hug. "I know you've known this deep down. All you need to do is accept it and let this be your truth."

"Thank you, Ava. I needed to hear this."

"I know." She said with ease as if it was a matter of fact. "That's why I told you." She let go of me, stepped back, glancing at the food truck behind me. "Screw coffee and dessert. We need alcohol and we need it now."

-

I'd had the best day with Ava yesterday. She told me what I needed to hear and I couldn't be more grateful. She didn't tell me anything I didn't know deep down, but the time came that I needed to let it go. I needed to believe a new truth and what Ava told me, sounded pretty damn good. I was enough. I was ample. So, not more settling for less. I refused to live a life in which I constantly had to fight, it was tiring and not worth it.

I was back in the office and knocked on Chris's door. A conversation with him was much needed. I needed to tell him my plan. Normally, I'd have waited till he called me in. Not today. Today revolved about me making choices that made me happy. So, I walked in.

Chris was on the phone, but as it seemed he was rounding up the conversation, I took a seat. Once he finished the call, I spoke up. "I want to oversee the construction in Hawaii. I know it's not my task anymore as I stepped down as CEO, but that resort is my baby. And I have to get away from here for a while. I need to clear my head and figure out what I want in life now that everything is open. I can't do that here. So, can you please let me go?"

Chris remained silent, rummaging in one of his desk drawers. The man needed to organize better. It seemed impossible to find something in there. "I'd appreciate it if you could answer my question, or demand, and push the re-organizing a bit further on your agenda. I'm not asking you this as my boss, this is me asking a favor of my brother."

Still, no sounds came from my brother. Or at least not sound he formed with his mouth. He then pulled something from his drawer and offered it to me. "You were always supposed to go there in a later stadium. But considering all that happened here, I thought you might have liked an escape."

When I took what he offered me, I could see it was indeed a ticket to Hawaii. I stood up and gave my brother a big hug. "I can't deny that I find it a little creepy that you know what I need before I figure it out. But thank you."

"That's what brothers are for. Now, go home and pack. A car is coming to pick you up from your place at three."

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XO Anna