"Julian, what's wrong?"

"I don't know if I can do this, Lucy," he said, avoiding any form or way of making eye contact with me. "You just left this morning. Sure, you said we would talk tonight, but it kind of feels like you're going to put an end to it. I've been walking around with this thought for the entire day and it was the worst feeling."

I took a step closer to him. I needed to feel his warmth, his touch. It almost physically hurt me to be away from him, but as soon as I took a step closer, he took a step back. Tears formed in my eyes. Tears of hurt and sadness. Finally, I had something, someone good in my life and I was doing a damn good job on screwing it up.

I needed to show him I wanted this, that I wanted him. Because if I didn't, this might as well be done. "I don't want to end this. I don't even want to think about this ending. You turned my life upside down, Julian." This was true, not something I said just to keep him around. "You made me see that there's more to life to work. You taught me that life is all about a balance between work and life. You made me want to find a balance."

"Some balance you've found." His voice was low and calm, something that usually scared me. But it wasn't his tone that bothered me. It was the way he looked at me when he said it. If looks could kill, I would certainly be six feet under by now.

And it hurt. The way he looked at me. The venom that sounded through his voice. As if he was doing it deliberately. As if he wanted me to feel that he was feeling, undoubtedly. It should make me angry, but strangely, it doesn't. Because I know what he's doing and why he's doing it.

"I know you don't mean that. You're just trying to hurt me, so, I can't hurt you. You're scared and I'm sorry I gave you any reason to be," I hoped I sounded sincere. "It's a good tactic you're using. It's efficient. I know this because it's a tactic I used over and over again. But not anymore."

Julian's face softened a little bit.

"I won't use it. Not with you. Because I rather get hurt, than losing you. So, lay it on me. Say to me what you have to say because I can take it. I will take it, for you."

Tentatively, I took another step towards him. It was a small step as I didn't want to scare him off, but I did want to know, I needed to know if I could get a little closer to him.

Confusion was showing on his face. He seemed to doubt whether I was serious or not.

"It's okay. I know I'm heavily flawed, and I'm done pretending I'm not. I accept myself as I am. Just as I accept you as you are. Now you just have to choose whether you do the same. You need to choose whether are you think I'm worth it to risk getting hurt"

I took another step closer and I was glad to see that he'd let me. He didn't step back to keep his distance, but he didn't close the rest of the distance either. I guess we weren't there yet and I feared us never getting back there again.

Julian hasn't said a word after his hurting remark about the balance I have between work and my life, and it worried me. He's never been at a loss of words around me, ever. No one ever told me how hard it was to communicate with someone who isn't saying anything back. Sure, he has given me looks, but they are of no use as this man I just unreadable for me. Could that have been one of our problems? That we just didn't understand each other.

"What did my sister tell you that made you pull away this morning?" The desperation in his voice was evident. He needed this piece of information for something. Did he need it to set his mind straight? To figure out where he stood? I didn't know. All I knew was that I owed it to him, to be honest about it.

"It wasn't anything big. She just asked me what my intentions were with you. She was worried for you. She just didn't want to see you get hurt, again."

"Again. Lucy, what did she tell you?" It was Julian who took a step closer this time, but not the way I would've liked. He looked tense as if he was bracing himself for something. He looked like a lion, ready to pounce on his prey.

"She told me to ask you as it wasn't her story to tell. She asked me not to break your heart. That's all. I can't deny that you're cautious not to get hurt, I mean, look at you now. We're all cautious of our hearts. It's something I can understand. But I can't deny that it made me doubt in a way. I didn't doubt you, not for a minute. I doubted myself."

Up till this moment, I was poised. I held it all together. My hurt, sadness, my self-doubt. I kept in check. But it took a lot and I felt my energy drain from me. Because I know that I wasn't the only one who doubted me.

Realizing this, broke the final piece of control I had left and tears streamed down my cheeks. The sounds of my sobs and sniffing surrounded us and I all wanted to do was to run. To protect me. To prevent Julian from seeing me like this. It was bad enough that I thought of myself as weak, I didn't need others to see as well.

Fight or flight.

These were the two final options left for me. I wanted to fight for Julian with all that I had. But another part of me, the scared little girl inside me, wanted to flee. I needed to create at least some distance from him to clear my head, at least get a grip on my emotions and keep them in check, for now. So, I fled the kitchen and into the living room. That was as far as I allowed myself to go. Far enough to create some distance, close enough not to create too much distance. I sat down on my couch and pulled a pillow close to my chest, and buried my face into it.

I could feel the pillow getting wet, absorbing all my tears. A hollow feeling was spreading from inside of me. Was this what heartbreak felt like? Was this what I got for going against my father? For finally making choices for myself? Was this what I got for finally opening up myself for the idea of love?

Beside me, I felt the couch dip. From the movement on the couch, I knew Julian was sitting beside me. Apparently, he made sure not to touch me or to say anything. Seconds passed by and I felt the tension in the room rise again. And not the good, exciting kind of tension. Unfortunately.

After what felt like hours, but really couldn't have been more than a few minutes, Julian finally wrapped an arm around me and pulled me into his chest. "I'm so sorry, Lucy."

"Sorry for what?"

Julian pressed a kiss on the top of my head. "I can't do this right now. I believe everything you told me. Please, believe me when I say that. But I can't deny that I have my doubts. I just don't know if I can deal with always coming second to the company. I can't and won't ask you to change your ways because I love the way you are. Heck, I love you."

What did he just say? Every girl dreams about hearing those words. I've dreamt of hearing those words coming from his mouth. But if finally heard those words is all I've ever dreamt of, why was I not feeling happy?

"I love you. But I'm not going to settle for less than I truly want. And I think I want more than you can give me."

That's why I didn't feel happy. Because the words I've wanted, no, needed to hear, so badly, were followed by pulling out the rug from beneath me.

"I'm really sorry, Lucy." I heard something break in his voice. But I was drowning in self-pity to actively process it. He pressed one more kiss to my head and whispered another apology before I felt the couch move again. Seconds passed before I heard my door open and close. And then he was just gone. He was gone and I was all by myself, clutching a pillow to my chest and crying my eyes out.

-

I woke up somewhere in the middle of the night. My eyes felt dry and itchy. Must have been a direct result of the never-ending stream of tears earlier tonight. My shoulder felt stiff and my hand tingled due to the lack of blood flow to it. I felt hollow and empty. I took in my surroundings and was immediately hit by memories of last night. The pained look on Julian's face the minute I stepped into his view. The hurt feeling in my chest when he rejected my kiss. The same urge to flee welled up insight me. I needed to get out of here.

By the time I arrived at the office, it was nearly 3:30 a.m. Obviously, there was no one around at this hour and I liked the rest and peace that surrounded me. There was nowhere I'd rather be right now. Not that I had anywhere to go anyway. Besides that, I didn't really want to be present in my personal life right now. So, I did what I knew how to do. I did that one thing that I knew would make me able to shut off my mind entirely. I dove right into my work.