Zeke grumbled to himself as he bent over the toilet and scrubbed it as hard as he could. "Stupid aliens. If they're so technologically superior why don't they have self-cleaning toilets?"

He let out a sigh as he finished the bowl he was working on. That was the last one in this room. It had taken him about an hour but they were all spotless. Sparkling even, if he said so himself. He hated to admit it, but he had a bit of a talent for this toilet cleaning thing.

No sooner had he completed this thought than the door swung open and a little green man came running into the room clutching his rear end. "Out of the way, Earthman. I just ate some of your Earth quiche and I'm about to blow!"

Zeke groaned and turned away as the Hooblerian went about its business. After a series of noises that could only be described as "colorful" the alien seemed to be finished as Zeke heard a distinct flush.

"You're probably going to want to clean that up," the alien said as it washed its hands and walked out.

"Gross," Zeke muttered as he picked up his brush. He was annoyed to discover that the alien had somehow managed to make a complete mess out of about ten of the toilets. He sighed as he set back to work.

He wasn't sure how much time passed before he finally finished his task once more, but he decided to get the hell out of that room before it could get messed up again. He emerged into the hallway and bumped right into Nulfar.

"Oh, greetings Earthman. How goes the toilet scrubbing?"

"It's quite exhilarating," Zeke mumbled.

"Really?" Nulfar blinked. "I was about to suggest you take a break, but if you are enjoying it so much, then by all means continue."

"Actually, I think I'll take you up on that break," Zeke said as he tossed the brush aside.

"Wonderful," Nulfar clapped his hands together excitedly. "Perhaps you would like to peruse our collection of Earth memorabilia? Perhaps you might find it comforting?"

"Yeah, let's see what you got," Zeke said wiping the sweat off his brow.

Nulfar led him through a series of winding corridors past thousands of identical doors. He still had no idea how anyone navigated their way around this place. Finally they came to a door that appeared no different from any of the others and it whooshed open.

"Here you are," Nulfar said proudly. "Now keep in mind, we are not aware of the purpose of all these devices. Perhaps you could help shed some light on the matter?"

"I'll see what I can do," Zeke shrugged.

"How delightful," Nulfar exclaimed gleefully. "I have been most curious about many of these items. This one, for instance." He held up a large plastic penis and thrust it in Zeke's face. "I have deduced that when I flip this switch it begins to shake, but I cannot fathom to what end." He proceeded to hit the switch and the penis began vibrating loudly.

"Uh, I think that's a sex toy," Zeke said, blushing slightly.

"Ah. So it is involved in the Earth mating ritual!" Nulfar nodded his head approvingly.

"Well, kind of. People, women mostly, but I guess some men as well, would use that to pleasure themselves."

"Yet you say it is a toy. Do you bestow it upon your young?"

"No, I wouldn't think so," Zeke said, still somewhat uncomfortable with this line of conversation. "Sex isn't exactly appropriate for children, you know?"

"No, I do not," Nulfar said confusedly. "I was under the impression that Earthlings utilized sex to create children. How is it inappropriate for children to be acquainted with their manufacturer?"

"I don't know. It's socially taboo. How do you deal with the issue on your planet?"

"We do not have sex on our planet," Nulfar replied.

"Great," Zeke mumbled and slumped his shoulders. "Sounds like I'll fit right in."

"What was that?" Nulfar asked cheerfully.

"Nothing," Zeke muttered. "So how do you reproduce?"

"We don't," Nulfar replied. "We did in our distant past, but we have long since evolved past the need for sexual reproduction by learning the secret of eternal life. We figured why should our genetic material survive indefinitely when we could just as easily do that ourselves?"

"So you guys can't be killed?" Zeke asked in disbelief.

"We can still die through illness or physical injury, but the ravages of time no longer affect us."

"Interesting," Zeke said. "So what else do you have around here?"

"There are several interconnected chambers containing various items we have collected from your planet. Feel free to look around. I wish to continue our discussion as I have many questions I would like to ask, but for now I have some business to attend to." With that Nulfar exited the room with the customary whoosh of the door.

Zeke picked up a nearby box and saw it contained a stack of teeny bopper magazines. "Hmm... I suppose it might make decent reading material if I get desperately bored. Always good to keep up with what the prepubescent girls of America think is hot." He rummaged through a couple of other boxes filled with rusty old tin cans and bubble gum wrappers. Nothing caught his attention so he decided to check out another room.

A light came on as soon as he entered and he spotted a couple of arcade games across the room amidst piles of junk. "Sweet! That'll keep me entertained for awhile! I hope they have the one where you get to blow up alien space ships."

He took a few steps into the room when he heard a female voice call out. "Can it be? Are you a human?"

Zeke stopped in his track and looked around uncertainly. "Who said that?"

"I'm over here! For the love of God, help me out of here!"

Zeke turned in the direction the voice seemed to be originating from and approached cautiously. "Where are you?"

"Down here!" the voice called back.

Zeke looked underneath a table and saw a young woman, probably in her early to mid-twenties locked up in a cage. She was a brunette with brown eyes wearing a blue blouse and tight-fitting brown pants. She was actually quite attractive, although her hair was a little ruffled and she had slight bags under her eyes. These were presumably ill effects suffered from being confined to a cage for who knew how long.

"What are you doing in there?" Zeke scratched his head.

"Having a nice relaxing spa," she replied. "What does it look like? I'm locked in a freaking cage! Now get me out of here!"

"All right, no need to get testy," Zeke said as he stared at the lock stupidly for a minute. He tugged at it a couple times but it held firmly. "Well, I'm all out of ideas."

"The key's over there." She gestured towards the opposite wall.

He walked over and found it dangling from a small metal hook. He quickly unlocked the cage and let her out. Her knees cracked as she stood up, brushed herself off, and proceeded to have herself a good long stretching session.

"Thank God you came along," she smiled. "Those green freaks wouldn't believe I was alive. They kept insisting I was some sort of dangerous object and needed to be kept under lock and key."

"Yeah, they've got me scrubbing toilets and tried to mate me with a goat. For a supposedly superior species they don't seem too bright about some things."

"So you got a name there, big guy?" she asked.

"I'm Zeke," he shook her hand. "You?"

"I'm Sadie."

"Nice to meet you, Sadie." Zeke shoved his hands in his pockets, chewed on his lower lip, and stared at the ground.

"So do you have a girlfriend, Zeke?"

"Well, it's kind of a complicated situation. You see I was supposed to be engaged to this jungle princess, but she lives in another dimension and I sort of smashed the doorway to get there. So I haven't actually seen her in several months, but I did pledge my eternal love."

Okay, she thought to herself. So this guy's a nut job. Too bad. He's kind of cute.

"So how about you?" Zeke asked. "Got a boyfriend?"

"Nah," she said with a wink. "Boys are dumb."

Okay, Zeke thought to himself, missing the apparent humor behind her statement entirely. So she's a lesbian. Too bad. She's kind of cute.

"So how are we going to get out of here, Zeke?"

"I don't know," Zeke shrugged. "It seems like we're hurtling through outer space. Maybe we can make a break for it when they land on another planet, but I don't know how we'll get back to Earth."

"Maybe we could hijack the ship!" Sadie said with a gleam in her eye. "You look like you're a big strong guy. Are you a good fighter?"

"Gee, uh..." Truthfully Zeke couldn't remember the last time he had exercised, let alone gotten into an actual fight. "I wouldn't want to mess with me, that's for sure."

"With abs of steel like those, who would?" Sadie replied poking him playfully in his stomach.

"Are you making fun of me?" Zeke sniffed. He was a little sensitive about the slight beer belly.

"No, not at all," her voice took on a tone of mock seriousness. "Okay, I am. Jeez. Relax. Don't you have a sense of humor?"

"Well, yeah, I mean, of course I do. But is this really the time to be joking around? I mean we are stuck on a spaceship millions if not billions or trillions of miles away from Earth. We may never see our home again. Sorry if I don't find the situation too hilarious."

"What are you going to do, spend the whole time moping around? Come on, let's see what sort of stuff they've got around here." She began digging through piles of items, pausing occasionally when something caught her eye, but mostly tossing junk over her shoulders.

Zeke wandered back over to the arcade games that had caught his attention earlier. One of them appeared to be out of order, but the other was a fighting game that appeared to be rigged up to allow free games.

"I'll challenge you to a match," Sadie said as she sidled up beside him and grabbed one of the joysticks.

"All right," Zeke shrugged as he selected the two-player option and grasped the other joystick. He hammered at the buttons furiously but managed to get thoroughly beaten, barely managing to inflict any damage at all on Sadie's player.

"Is that the best you can do?" Sadie smiled at him with a sideways glance.

"No fair, I think my buttons were jammed or something."

"I'll switch you sides," she offered.

"Okay," Zeke said. He traded places with her, grabbed the joystick firmly, and stuck the tip of his tongue out of the corner of his mouth in a show of determination. Once again he got his ass kicked soundly. "I don't want to play this anymore," he grumbled and walked away from the machine.

"I hope you can fight better in real life than you can in the game," Sadie laughed. "Otherwise we'll never take over this ship."

"I don't think we're going to be able to take it over anyway. There are tons of those little green guys and only two of us."

"And we only have the fighting power of one and a half people if your gaming skills are any indication of your fighting ability." She laughed again.

Zeke felt himself getting a little red behind the ears. "You'd think you would be a little more grateful towards me considering I got you out of that cage. If I had known you were going to keep insulting me all the time I would have let you rot in there."

"I'm just teasing you, Zeke. Lighten up. Are you always this grouchy?"

"Let's just say it's been a long day," he sighed. "Look, I'm all for joking around, but do I always have to be the object of ridicule? I already kind of feel like my life's some big sick cosmic joke and I'm the butt of it."

"Sorry, it's just that I grew up with four brothers. I'm kind of used to the verbal abuse. You can tease me back, you know. It's okay, I can take it."

"Maybe when I'm in a better mood," Zeke said.

"I think I just found something that'll put you in a better mood," Sadie said with a sly grin as she paused while rummaging through a pile of junk. "It's a little warm, but it looks like a full case of beer."

Zeke perked up a bit. "Beer, you say?"

"Yeah. You up for a little drinking contest?"

"Oh you shouldn't have gone and challenged me to that," Zeke suddenly felt a little cockier. "Now you're going to get schooled, woman."

"I don't know," Sadie shrugged. "You look like a lightweight to me. I bet you're going to be stupid drunk after three beers."

"Oh you do, huh? Give me one of those, damn it!" He popped open the top and guzzled one down. "Ah, sweet alcohol. Nectar of the gods, as my friend Max used to say."

"Not bad," Sadie said as she opened one for herself and sipped at it. "Want another?"

"Indeed I do. Keep 'em coming."

They polished off the case in about an hour or so. Zeke had outpaced Sadie about two to one, but both of them were giggly by the end as they sat cross-legged on the floor and traded drinking stories.

Sadie finally stopped laughing after one particularly amusing anecdote and took a moment to catch her breath. "You know, Zeke, I like you a lot better when you're drunk."

"I like you better when I'm drunk, too," Zeke laughed.

They both fell silent as their eyes locked. Zeke gulped as he noticed his legs were brushing against hers.

Slowly their heads began to lean involuntarily towards each other. Zeke closed his eyes and took a deep breath as he felt her drawing closer.

The moment was suddenly and unfortunately broken up by the familiar whooshing sound of the door opening as Nulfar came waddling in. "Break's over! Time to get back to toilet scrubbing!" He paused in his tracks as he noticed Sadie sitting next to Zeke. "How did that thing get out of its cage? Help me put it back in, will you Earthman? Careful though, it's got some sharp ends. It scratched up my friend Jaxar pretty bad earlier."

"Wait, she's not a thing," Zeke protested. "She's a human like me. A female one."

"You don't say?" Nulfar rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I say, Earthlings are a most curious race. It's no wonder we were confused. Your females appear nothing like your males. She's much curvier and softer." He proceeded to prod at her indiscriminately.

"Hey, hands off you little green pervert," Sadie said as she slapped his hand away.

"This is wonderfully intriguing. Will the two of you be mating now? I should say I would very much like to observe the ritual."

"I don't know," Zeke said. "I might need to get her a bit drunker."

"Drunker?" Nulfar appeared puzzled. "Did you break into our orange juice supply?"

"Um, no," Zeke replied. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Do you not get intoxicated from orange juice?" Nulfar asked.

"Not unless it's spiked with vodka or something."

"Hmm. It seems some of our intelligence regarding Earth is incorrect."

"I'll say," Zeke belched. "First of all we do NOT enjoy scrubbing toilets. We also don't care for being locked in cages or strapped down to tables or kept in zoos. Actually this whole being kidnapped against our will and transported into outer space thing kind of sucks. We'd really appreciate it if you'd just take us back to Earth. Also if you've got any more beer you could hook us up with, we'd like that, too. Preferably cold this time."

"I am afraid we cannot possibly return you to Earth at this time as we explained to you already. We are on a very tight schedule. No time to backtrack. Perhaps the captain will see fit to let you out for some fresh air when we arrive at the next planet on our itinerary."

"When's that going to be?"

"Should be any minute now," Nulfar replied cheerfully.

They heard the familiar whoosh of the door as Captain Moogreet strolled into the room. "Ah, Nulfar, there you are. We should be arriving at our destination any minute now. Your services are required on the bridge."

"Yes sir," Nulfar saluted. "May the Earthlings come along on the surface expedition?"

"Absolutely not," Moogreet said. "Earthman, get back to work scrubbing the toilets. And what in Weeblis' name is that thing doing out of its cage? Return it immediately and then report to me on the bridge." He whirled around and marched back out of the room.

"You heard the captain. Back in the cage with you."

"Uh, I'll lock her back up," Zeke volunteered. "You go on ahead and meet the captain."

"That's very considerate of you, Earthman. The captain does not like to be kept waiting." Nulfar began humming a little tune to himself and walked out the door.

"If you try to put me back in that cage I'll kick you in the balls," Sadie said threateningly. "I'm serious."

"I'm not going to lock you back up. I just said that so he'd leave. Now let's follow him. Maybe we can figure out how to slip out of here."

"Sounds good to me," Sadie nodded a bit tipsily. "I enjoy a good drunken adventure."

They waited a minute before slipping out the door after Nulfar. Zeke looked down the hall just in time to see the little green man turn a corner to the right. "All right," Zeke whispered as he put his finger to his lips clumsily. "We've got to be careful about this. We have to stay far enough back so that he doesn't see us, but close enough that we can follow him. These hallways are really confusing. It'd be easy to get lost. And try to be quiet, for God's sake!"

Sadie nodded again and moved her fingers across her mouth to indicate she was zipping her lips. They took off quickly down the hallway in the direction they'd seen Nulfar go.

A minute later Zeke managed to trip over his own feet and land on the ground with a resounding thump that echoed throughout the corridor. "Ow!"

Sadie couldn't help suppress a giggle. "I thought you were going to be quiet."

"I'm trying," he mumbled as he stood up shakily. "Did you see which way he went?"

"No," she shrugged.

"Oh great, we're lost," Zeke grumbled. "Now we could be wandering around this damn spaceship for days!"

"He can't have gotten that far," Sadie said. "Let's keep going the way we were and maybe we can catch him. Their legs aren't very long so they can't possibly walk super fast."

"All right, let's just keep going." Zeke glanced down another side corridor and saw a little man go through a door. "Hey, I think I spotted him again! Let's go this way!" He grabbed her arm and pulled her to the left, nearly knocking her off balance in the process.

They made their way quickly down the hallway and through the door whereupon they found themselves in a small room occupied by a desk, a chair, and a bed. A little green man was pulling his jumpsuit over his head as they entered the room. He dropped it on the floor next to him and stood there naked blinking at them. "Hello Earthman, why have you come to my quarters?"

"Uh, I thought the captain ordered you to the bridge," Zeke said as he darted his eyes around.

"He did? Uh oh. That can only mean one thing. More cleaning. Just when I had finished mopping the floors and thought I could rest."

"Wait a minute. Wigglethorp?" Zeke asked.

"Yes?" the little green man replied.

"Ah, for Christ's sake, you fuckers all look the same. I thought you were Nulfar."

Wigglethorp seemed to find this extremely amusing for some reason. "Foolish Earthling. Nulfar and I appear nothing alike. He is from East Hoobler whereas I am from West Hoobler. Our lineages branched off from each other eons ago. We are as different from each other as it is possible for two Hooblerians to be."

"Yes, of course," Zeke muttered. "But anyway he was going to show us the exit when the ship landed, but we seem to have lost him."

"Oh, if it is the exit you seek I can show you that easily enough," Wigglethorp said. "There is one under my bed. We maintain exit routes in all of our quarters in case of emergencies."

The room suddenly shook with an abrupt jolt and then everything was silent. "It appears we have landed," Wigglethorp said as he lifted his bed revealing a dark passageway that led downwards. "Have a good time on the planet."

"Thanks," Zeke smiled as he and Sadie made their way into the passage.