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closest to heaven that i'll ever be

IRIS COULD HEAR THE GROWLING OF WALKERS THROUGH THE BARN DOORS.

She held her hands to her mouth, holding her palms together as she listened to the haunting snarls and the sickening sounds of nails driving against their wooden cage, desperate to escape, to feed on live flesh as was the only instinct in their poisoned minds. It was bone chilling. The implications that would be made from the sight and the sound of dozens of walkers trapped in the barn made Iris feel ill.

The Greene's had a big secret indeed.

Shane had his face pressed right against the door, looking through the gaps at their captured predators. He practically had smoke flying out of his ears. He grunts and pushes off, gunning right for Rick with an accusatory finger in his face. "You cannot tell me you're all right with this."

Rick matches Shane with an equally frustrated stare. "No I'm not, but we're guests here. This isn't our land."

"This is our lives!" Shane yells, his face reddening.

"Lower your voice." Glenn says, his own voice a harsh whisper as he turns away from the barn. He hadn't spared Iris a glance since their last fight, but Iris was still reeling inside from the words he had said to her, echoing in her mind over and over again like a broken record player. She desperately wanted to go back, to a time before Carl was shot, before she found out Lori and Shane got into a callous affair just weeks after they thought Rick had died, when she still believed in love and hope and the future, but she couldn't fight the horrific feeling that she'd lost her chance to feel any of those emotions ever again.

"We can't just sweep this under the rug." Andrea argues.

"It ain't right. Not remotely." Shane spits, pacing the land like a rabid dog. "Okay, we've either got to go in there, we've got to make things right or we've just got to go. Now we have been talking about Fort Benning for a long time."

"No." Iris denies, speaking before she could even process her words. "We can't leave!"

Shane zeroes in on her, crooking his neck as he glares at her. "Oh, we can't leave? And why is that, Iris? Have you gotten too comfortable on this farm? You don't wanna go back on the road, princess?"

Iris scoffs, stepping closer to Shane in a fit of rage. "You want Carl to go back out on the road? Or are you gonna ruin that too!?"

"My daughter is still out there." Carol says, wiping her eyes. Iris points in her direction, glaring up at Shane.

"Okay. Okay." Shane rubs the top of his head. "I think it's time that we all start to just consider the other possibility."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" iris whispers, stepping away in disgust. Shane had always felt like a second older brother to her, but right now, the very sight of him disgusted her to her core. The thought of him and Lori, right under her nose, while she was mourning her brother. She wanted to scream.

"We're not leaving Sophia behind." Rick says firmly.

Daryl points a finger at Shane. "I'm close to finding this girl. I just found her damn doll two days ago."

Shane laughs bitterly. "You found her doll, Daryl. That's what you did. You found a doll."

"You don't know what the hell you're talking about!" Daryl yells back.

"I'm just saying what needs to be said. You get a good lead, it's in the first 48 hours." Shane kept speaking, irritating Iris' mind like a cheese grater.

"Shane, stop." Rick cuts in.

"Let me tell you something else, man. If she was alive out there and saw you coming all methed out with your buck knife and geek ears around your neck, she would run in the other direction." Shane yells at Daryl, the veins on his forehead popping with rage.

Daryl lunges for Shane, and Shane reacts with an equally vicious arm reaching out to punch him straight back. Rick jumps into action, trying to seperate them, to no avail. Iris, Glenn, Andrea and Lori attempted to step in, finally breaking Shane and Daryl apart.

"Back off!" Rick yells.

"Keep your hands off me." Shane yells, pushing Lori's hand off of him. Iris scoffs bitterly. Of all times to say that.

Rick waits until Shane calms down a little bit, taking a step closer. "Now just let me talk to Hershel. Let me figure it out."

"What are you gonna figure out?!" Shane turns back around, walking towards Rick.

"Enough!" Lori yells, slapping Shane on the chest.

"If we're gonna stay, if we're gonna clear this barn, I have to talk him into it. This is his land." Rick repeats.

Dale jumps in, his voice much calmer in comparison to everyone else's. "Hershel sees those things in there as people. Sick people. His wife, his stepson."

Rick raises a brow. "You knew?"

Dale nods, exhaling. "Yesterday I talked to Hershel."

"And you waited the night?" Shane yells.

"I thought we could survive one more night. We did." Dale says, unaffected by Shane's harsh tone. "I was waiting till this morning to say something. But Glenn wanted to be the one."

"The man is crazy, Rick, if Hershel thinks those things are alive or not." Shane's voice took a lower tone, and he went quiet as the chains on the door started to rattle. The walkers knew they were there.

The group quickly disperses after the chain starts to rattle more aggressively, as if they had forgotten that the very thing they were arguing about were only a couple of feet away from them, with only an old piece of rackety wood separating the two of them.

A lot of people needed time to cool off, the debate about what to do got incredibly heated and Iris in particular just wanted to hang out with Carl and forget that any of her problems existed. The twelve year old was healing incredibly well from his bullet wound, even making jokes about how his scar makes him look like a superhero, and Iris found that his energy always lit her up, and made her feel better.

The unfortunate underside of hanging out with Carl was that one of her problems was Lori. Everything she had discovered made it incredibly difficult to be around her, but she couldn't exactly explain all of that to Carl, and she wouldn't. Carl deserved to be able to still see his mother as his safety, as the same person he had always known, at least until Lori figured something out with Rick. So much had changed, and Carl was owed at least some normality within his own family.

When Carl asked Iris to help him out with some of his math problems (both Rick and Lori thought it was important that he kept up at least a little school work), Iris couldn't refuse.

She follows Carl to his little work station, where he had a notebook and a pencil set up, her eyes widening for a slight second when she sees Lori already sat down. Something flashes behind Lori's eyes too, but it is gone in an instant. Iris clears her throat in discomfort, perching next to Lori. She keeps her tone cool and relaxed as she watches Carl work, smiling at his pencil marks on the pages.

Iris picks up one of the spare pencils, absentmindedly drawing little doodles on the paper that Carl was working on, focusing purely on the breath that was filtering in and out of her lungs.

"Does Shane think Sophia's dead?" Carl asks, putting his pencil down. Iris tenses, stopping her little drawing of a lion and looking at Lori, her eyebrow raised.

Lori sighs. "Shane's just scared."

"Of the walkers in the barn?" Carl asks. His eyes were so innocent, and Iris didn't know how to even start explaining to him the complexities of adult relationships and opinions, especially when it came to someone like Shane.

It seemed that Lori didn't really know what to say either. "Yeah."

Iris pats him on the arm. "Shane's just worried, is all. Of course Sophia isn't dead. I think the walkers have made us all on edge."

Carl nods, blinking. "I'm not leaving until we find Sophia. And I don't want to go even after that."

"Well, we're not leaving, Carl." Lori replies. Iris shoots her a glance, which she ignores. She wanted to ask Lori if she had said anything to Rick, but she hadn't been able to get her alone since their last conversation. Iris wasn't sure how intentional that was. "You finish those problems."

Carl nods, picking up his pencil. I just think she- she's gonna like it here. This place, it could be a home."

"Yeah." Iris smiles at him. "I think it really can."

𖤓𖤓𖤓

"Have you seen Rick?" Iris asks, catching Carol as she wanders out of the stables.

Carol stops, wiping her eyes. "I heard he's going out soon with Andrea to look for Sophia. Daryl's going out too." She sighs. "I think it's far too early for him to be up and about."

Iris nods, her frantic search for her brother halted when she looks upon Carol's tear-streaked face. "Hey, I'm sorry. Are- are you okay? Shane is- Shane is wrong, you know? About Sophia. I believe she's out there, I really do."

Carol smiles, her sweet, maternal smile that Iris loved so much. "I'm alright, honey. Thank you. I don't think Shane meant it. Tensions have been... high."

Iris laughs, despite it all. "You can say that again." She holds her hand to Carol's arm, giving it a friendly squeeze. "You sure that you're alright? I can sit with you, if you'd like."

Carol shakes her head, placing her hand on top of Iris'. "No, it's okay. You go and catch Rick before he leaves."

Iris smiles. "Okay. As long as you're sure. I'll see you later, alright? And... don't worry too much about Shane. He just talks a big talk, you know?"

"Yeah. I know the type." Carol comments, and Iris grins.

Carol was right, Rick was setting up to leave the farm in another attempt to find Sophia. She needed to talk to him, badly. Iris felt like she hadn't had a chance to have a good talk with Rick in so long, not without being interrupted or there being some other pressing matter, and she desperately missed him. Rick was always a voice of reason to Iris, he had this incredible skill of being able to see a full picture, which couldn't be any less true for Iris. Rick was everything for her, and the pit in Iris' stomach would only grow unless she spoke to him about Lori.

She leans against the boot of the car, watching Rick load it with supplies. "Need any help?"

Rick shakes his head. "I'm all good. You alright? You've been spacey, a little isolated. At first I thought it was because of Carl, but he's up and about now. So.. what's going on?"

Iris sighs, biting her cheek as she tries to form the right words. She looked up at her brother's face, his kind blue eyes that mirrored her own, the stubble that was growing on his face, which was so strange because he had always been clean shaven, always. Lori liked it like that. "Has Lori spoken to you yet?"

Rick's expression changes to one of surprise. "You know? About the baby?"

"I found out yesterday." Iris says, looking chastened. "On the supply run, with Glenn. Lori wanted..." She tails off.

"Abortion pills?" Rick finishes, leaning more heavily against the car next to her. "She threw them up. She's keeping it."

Iris' breath hitches. She stands up straighter. "She is? I- wow. How do you feel about that?"

Rick moves so that he's standing in front of her, looking around and lowering his voice. "Can I tell you something?"

"Yeah." Iris' eyes soften, wondering if Rick was going to say something about Shane. Iris had told Lori to tell Rick everything, and that included the fact that Shane was potentially and most likely that baby's father.

"Hershel is going to kick us out."

"What?" Iris hangs her mouth open, looking in Rick's eyes for any sign of dishonesty. "What do you mean? Why?"

"He was always going to. Once Carl heals up and we find Sophia. He never wanted us to stay." Rick was crestfallen, not quite meeting her eyes.

"Oh god." Iris runs a hand through her hair. She seemed to be running into problem after problem in the last few days. If they had to be out on the road, again, with no home, no safety blanket, nothing, Iris didn't know how she'd survive it. "What about Lori, the baby?"

Rick swallows harshly. "I know. I just spoke with him again. I'm trying to negotiate, Iris, I really am. He's... stubborn. I didn't want to tell anyone, not when we finally settled, and everyone was worried about Sophia, I just didn't think-"

"Rick." Iris cuts in, a small smile forming on her lips. "It's okay. I get it. You're trying to protect us, all of us. You don't have to explain yourself, never to me. I'm behind you, no matter what. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you about Lori right after I found out. I wanted Lori to at least be the one to explain."

"Yeah, I know." Rick adjusts his python in its holster. "At least?"

Iris' expression falls. She shifts uncomfortably, her arms wrapping around her midsection as it tossed and turned like a ship at sea. "Rick. I- I think- I've got reason to believe that Lori and Shane-" She swallows. "I think the baby might be Shane's."

She was expecting Rick to react. To maybe laugh, tell her that she was crazy and Lori would never sleep with Shane, or scrunch his features up in anger or shed a tear or something. She was expecting him to react. Instead, Rick doesn't even flinch. He simply nods. "Yeah."

"You knew?" Iris asks, her voice barely above a whisper. Her heart broke for him, and she wondered just how she had managed to miss this. How long has Rick been sitting with the feeling that his wife had slept with his best friend? "How long?"

"Since I got back. I don't know. There were... signs, I guess." Rick sighs. "It was different. It wasn't like this was happening right under my nose. They thought I was dead. They both needed some sort of comfort, and they found it in each other. I'm gonna tell Shane about the baby. We'll figure something out, we always do."

Iris hums. She doesn't think that was an excuse to sleep with your husband's best friend weeks after he had died, no matter what the circumstances were. Rick may have rationalised it like that, but Iris truly didn't think she could look at either of them the same way again. There was a tiny, selfish part of her that resented the fact that Lori and Shane were... enjoying themselves in that way while she mourned the loss of her brother — the only person that ever seemed to understand her.

And I was hurt when you ran away, until I figured you were probably scared or confused, or I don't know, feeling a lot of big emotions.

Glenn understood her too.

Rick nods. "I appreciate you giving Lori time to tell me herself. It must've been awful for you to keep it all in, huh? You've never been great at that."

Iris snorts, the pit in her stomach dissipating ever so slightly as she relaxes in the company of her big brother. "Yeah, it was really hard. You don't even know. Like... you really don't know. I felt like I was going to burst with all of these things that have been happening. I swear, I've been going slowly insane over the last few days, like, climbing up the walls and somehow managing to screw up everything I've touched." She puts a hand on her forehead, the words leaving her mouth at the speed of a rocketship. "God, I'm just like dad. Kill me now and put me out of my misery."

Rick smiles, one of those big brotherly smiles that makes her feel frustrated and comforted all at once. "Oh, come on. What have you screwed up so bad that you can't fix?"

Iris sucks on her teeth, looking at Rick like she had just been caught with her hand in a cookie jar. "I kissed Glenn."

Rick's eyes light up. He smiles. "You... what? I knew it! I knew you liked him. You're so different around him."

Iris scrunches up her nose. "That's not how an older brother is supposed to react when he finds out that information. Now I've gotta disappoint you when I tell you that my stupid mind ruined it all."

"What did you do?" Rick asks, a hand on his holster.

"I was so mad at him after he went down that well. I was already mad about what happened to Carl and I was already spiralling and he goes and almost gets himself killed and I just, I exploded. I kissed him. And, ever since I have just had this, this weight in me and everything was just too much and so I ran. I ran away from him."

"This has been going on since the well?" Rick asks, "Why didn't you tell me?"

Iris sighs. "Because I was avoiding you because I didn't know what to do about Shane and Lori, and I didn't want to stress you out when you were already so stressed out about Carl, and part of the reason why I was so upset was because of Shane and Lori and I obviously couldn't tell you that and- God, I should've told you. You could've stopped me from ruining my chances with the only boy I've ever..."

"What?" Rick presses. "Liked?"

Iris' blue eyes turn into a salty sea as tears well up in them, a singular tear running down her right cheek. "Liked. Loved. I don't know. I've never been in love, Rick. Not like you. And then Lori." She waves her hands about. "And I-"

Rick pulls her into a hug. Iris buries her face in his chest, her body shaking ever so slightly. After a few moments, Rick pulls away. "Iris, love is complicated. It's not easy, it's not black and white, it's not the be all and end all. Love is about perseverance, about loving someone, not just despite their flaws, but because of them. Don't frame your entire ideal of love on just two people, because it is different to everyone, okay? And Glenn, he isn't going to be scared away by a couple of days of silence. He likes you. I know he does. He told me himself."

Iris looks up at him. "What? He told you. When?"

Rick chuckles. "Before he even knew who I was. He's not good at secrets, you know that."

Glenn knew that he liked her all of this time.

Iris cradles her head, massaging her temples. "God, oh my god. I'm an idiot. I screwed up. I ruined everything before we even had a chance."

"Hey. Stop." Rick holds her shoulders, steadying her. "You're doing it again. You're spiralling, you're letting it build up, and then you're spewing it all out in one go. Pace yourself. You're skipping over information. You ran away from Glenn, and then what?"

Iris takes a big breath. "I avoided him for a couple days, then I went with him on a supply run and ignored him, then he finally got me to talk to him and he confessed his feelings for me, and then I proceeded to cry my eyes out and beg him to stop, and, god, I'm a sociopath."

"You're not a sociopath." Rick laughs. "Okay, you probably confused the poor boy, but it's nothing you can't fix okay. Just talk to him, just as openly as you are with me. Explain to him what's been going through your head, and I'm positive that he will understand. If he doesn't run a million miles away from you."

"Yeah, ha ha." Iris mocks, pushing his shoulder. "You think I can talk to him? Without crying? Or yelling?"

"You can." Rick says. "If you really care about him, and I know you do, you can."

Iris stands up straight. Rick was right. She wasn't Lori, and Glenn wasn't Shane, and nothing had been screwed up until she had gotten stuck in her own head.

She just had to show him otherwise.

𖤓𖤓𖤓

"Glenn!"

Iris ran through the farm, her hair blowing behind her from the speed of which she was running. She had no idea where he was, but she needed to find him, while she was being brave and open and ready. It couldn't wait, not for anything. She had waited long enough. She'd made him wait long enough.

"Glenn!" She calls again, looking around frantically. "Where the hell is he?"

She skids into the cluster of trees, finally spotting his familiar white hat stood between them, leaning against one and staring out into the distance. She runs over to him, halting to a stop right in front of him, leaning her hands on her knees as she tries to catch her breath.

Glenn sighs. "What do you want, Iris?"

Iris gulps, sucking in one final rush of oxygen as she stares at his hurt face. Her face softens. "Glenn."

"Are we doing this again?" Glenn asks, turning to walk away.

"Wait, please don't make me run again." Iris pleads, holding his arm and pulling him back. He looks at her with a thousand stars in his eyes, bright and powerful and overwhelmingly surrounding her with light, but at the same time, were full of fire and passion and pain. For a moment, it drove her speechless, and all she wanted to do was kiss him again and wrap herself in the serenity of him. But she had hurt him, and she needed to make it right. "Explosion."

Glenn turns around fully, tilting his head. "What?"

"I- explosion." Iris mimics an explosion with her hands. She splutters, and starts again. "I'm sorry, I'm not very good at this whole words thing. I- I hold things in. A lot. I shut myself down when things get too much, when things hurt, and I get in my head, and then it gets to a point where it just... explodes out of me. And I know it's not healthy, and I swear to God, I'm gonna work on it, which I know doesn't exactly mean much because I don't really believe in Him, but I'm gonna try. To talk. To people more. To you, more."

Glenn was quiet, taking in her words. Finally, he speaks in a hushed, almost upset voice. "So you only kissed me because of the explosion? And that hurt you so much that you had to shut yourself down? I confessed everything to you, Iris."

"I know." Iris closes her eyes painfully. "Please, don't think any of this is because of you. Not- not in the way you're thinking."

"Then what, Iris?" Glenn presses. "What hurts?"

"I love you so much it hurts!" Iris blurts out. "Like, like a good hurts. Like the kind of pain you feel down to your heart and soul, like the kind of hurt that you feel when someone becomes so intertwined with your very existence that you feel an actual pain deep inside you when they're away from you. Like the kind of hurt that makes you so damn afraid that something is gonna happen to them or they're gonna do something to hurt you. I- I feel a physical pang in my chest when I think about you, because I love you so damn much that I can't lose you, and it's a road that I'm so terrified to go down but it's too late! I'm already here! And I've never been in love before, and I don't know what it's supposed to feel like, but you are with me in everything I feel, in everything I am. You haunt my fears, my hopes, my wishes, my scariest thoughts. You're even in my damn dreams! Do you know how insane that's making me feel? But I don't wanna stop! Because it's you, and you make me feel insane in the best way and I'm such a stupid, stupid idiot, and if you don't say something I am gonna keep talking and going around in circles and you really don't want that to happen because eventually I'm gonna run out of breath so-

Glenn clasps his hands over her mouth. Iris lets out a muffled sound of surprise.

Glenn removes his hands, holding them out as if to calm Iris down, his face totally unreadable, even to her. He looks her up and down, spending an almost uncomfortable amount of time just staring at her.

"You love me?"

"Yeah." Iris nods her head, letting her tears spill. "I'm sorry. One day I'll be able to talk to you without crying. I just- I'm sorry, Glenn. I love you. I always have, I think, even if I didn't know it. I still don't really understand what love is supposed to feel like, but if it's even a fraction of what I'm feeling right now, then it's a pretty powerful thing."

Glenn steps closer to her. Very slowly, his fingers brush over a strand of her blonde hair, twiddling it in his fingers. Iris' breath stops, feeling his hands graze the skin on her face, making it tingle as he tucks it behind her ear.

Then he kisses her. It was different than before. It wasn't desperate, or angry, or pleading. It was slow, sweet, yet just as passionate, if not more so. Iris smiles into it, because she just can't help it. Butterflies fly around her stomach, and she wraps her arms around his neck.

She pulls away, laughing as their breaths mingle, like their souls were intertwining forever. "You forgive me?"

"Always." Glenn whispers back, and he kisses her again.

Iris was in a total euphoria, feeling like she could reach up and touch the stars with all of the energy that was running through her system. She could achieve anything with him, she decided at that moment.

Glenn pulls away, a hand running through her hair, and he smirks. "Anyway, what dreams were you having about me?"

Iris giggles, playfully smacking him on the shoulder. "Shut up. I'm not telling you that."

"Uh, I don't think so. Tell me about these dreams of yours. What was I doing, exactly? Is that why you couldn't look at me for three days?"

"Be quiet." Iris laughs, and she pulls him into another embrace. Everything felt right.

AUTHORS NOTE

❥ Welcome back to Doomsday!
❥ WE DID IT!!!! WHO CHEERED??
❥ It only took us 80,000 words for them to get together 😭
❥ I have been waiting to write that final scene ever since I started this book, and I am SO happy with how it turned out! Iris is such a love to me and her character arc so far has been such a privilege to write, and I really hope you guys love how far she's come so far, and how far she has yet to come.
❥ This chapter is quite dialogue heavy, so I apologise for the change in tone. I wanted Iris to have a long chat with Rick because of everything she has been going through, she's has distanced herself from everyone, and this conversation was really a long time coming for her. I think she needed to have a talk with Rick about Lori and Shane and everything she has lived through in order for her to truly realise just how silly she's being, and Rick definitely needed to talk some sense into her.
❥ Iris and Glenn still have so much ahead of them, it's crazy. And oooh the things that I have planned for them. 👀👀 Iris is finally starting to believe in the idea of love again, and it's up to Glenn to teach her that it's not all bad and full of pain like she was adamant it was.
❥ Sorry for the small essay 😭😭 I just really really love these two, and I hope you guys do too.
❥ Please vote and comment if you enjoyed <3