I woke up to voices.

"He sustained a sever head injury as well as internal bruising. We did labs and found he had a high blood alcohol level and drugs were in his system as well." A unrecognizable voice said.

"He'll be alright though?"

"Yes, he may never be quite the same though. Have you two ever been told that he may have PTSD and TBI?"

"No, we haven't."

"His amygdala appears to be hyperreactive to trauma-related stimuli. The hallmark symptoms of PTSD, including exaggerated startle response and flashbacks, may be related to a failure of higher brain regions. The hippocampus and the medial frontal cortex dampen the exaggerated symptoms of arousal and distress that are mediated through the amygdala in response to reminders of the traumatic event. The findings of structural and functional neuroimaging studies of PTSD are reviewed as they relate to our current understanding of the pathophysiology of this disorder."

"What can we do to help him?"

"Therapy, consulting, or I can prescribe medication for pain and anxiety."

"Let's try the medication first."

"Alright, I'll get a prescription. I do want to keep him over night, just to make sure everything's fine."

"Thanks so much."

"Your welcome."

The door opened then closed, clicking into place. They had left, leaving me alone with my demons.

******

I was drifting in and out of sleep. The morphine the doctors had given me was working its magic. I caught a glimpse of Danny sitting in one of the chairs in the room. His soft green eyes scanning me.

"Jase, why are you getting yourself into so much trouble? Don't you want better for yourself?" He asked, his eyes meeting mine.

"You know I haven't been the same since you died, Danny.... I miss you so much."

Danny gave a weak smile, his emerald green eyes showing his concern for me.

"Jase, I never really left you. I'm still in your memories, aren't I? I saw you at the cemetery the other day. We all did. You were the best General we could of asked for. You put us before yourself and...."

"I should of saved you, Danny. I should of brought you home.... I'm so sorry."

"Don't be sorry, Jase. I died doing what I loved. Do you love me enough to let me go. To give yourself closure. You know I'm alright. I'm not suffering anymore. I'm at peace."

"Danny, I can't...."

"You can, Jase. You'll know when it's time."

I nodded and Danny was gone. I sat there starring at the empty seat. Tears blurred my vision and I didn't stop them from falling.

*****

My parents came to pick me up the following day. They were so relieved to see me up and moving around.

"Jason, what in the hell where you thinking! Getting all mixed up in drugs and shit!" My Father snapped.

"I-I-I'm trying to cope alright! I don't know what else to do!"

"Stop it, Jason. The war is over. What happened, happened. You can't change it no matter how hard you try."

"Don't you understand. I want to change it. I let my men down, I let my country down, and most of all I let Danny down! Everyone's lives rested in my hands and I-I failed them."

"Alright, let's go home." My mother interjected.

"You will never understand what it's like to have that burden on you. I wondered each goddamned day if I would come home. I did, but Danny didn't and you blame me. I know it's my fault, alright. He died in my arms. How the hell can I forgive myself? Out of all the damn things that happened to me why wasn't I one of the one who died!?"

My Father fell silent. For the first time in a long time, he looked worried. We had caused a massive scene. So much so that the whole lobby had fell silent. My mother basically pushed us both out the door and toward the car. Once to the car, I climbed into the back seat, my mind was whirling. So many thoughts were racing through my mind. Some good, some bad, and some I just wanted to forget about all together.

"Jason, can you please explain what happened to you during the war?" My Father asked.

"No, just take me back to the shelter. I can't put you all through any of my nonsense." I say rather harshly, knowing they couldn't help me and I didn't want to be a burden on them.

"We've already picked up your belongings. You're coming back home and you will go to that psychiatrist appointment that was made for you by that Father Samuels guy."

I didn't respond. I wasn't mad at my parents. I was mad at myself. They'll never understand.
Never understand what it's like to carry the burden, the guilt that I carry on my shoulders.
******

We arrived home. I got out of the car limped inside. My Father caught up to me. He took my by the shoulders and spun me around to face him.

"Jase, talk to us please."

"Damn it! Don't call me Jase, alright. I don't want to talk about the war. I can't...."

"You can't keep this bottled up forever. You have to talk about it sometime."

I pushed past him and made my way to my room.

"Just leave me alone. I don't need help!" I snapped, slamming the door.

I slid down the door and onto the floor. I buried my head in my hands and began to cry. It wasn't like me to break down. The war, the flash backs, and hallucinations had become too much. My Mother didn't believe me when I told her about Danny. Hell, she looked at me like I was half-ass insane. I couldn't blame her really. I am insane. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I drink and do drugs. My life has turned into a complete shit hole. I need help. I know I do. It's just the soldier in me won't allow it. I glanced up to see Danny kneeling a few feet in front of me.

"Jase, you need help. You can't spend the rest of your life suffering."

"What choice do I have Danny? I can't get help. They'll think I'm crazy and lock me up into a metal hospital. That's the worst thing anyone could do for me. Especially after the Iraqi soldiers got ahold of us..."

"I know Jase, but you can't continue to suffer like this. You're a mess."

"Danny, I can't do this anymore. I can't handle life without you..... You were my rock and....and I failed you....I failed everyone."

Danny gave a soft smile. He rested his back against the door and sat beside me.

"I believe that good things are going to start happening to you, Jase. You just have to learn to forgive and forget. Just let me go. You love me enough to let me go, don't you?"

Tears ran down my face. I wanted nothing more than to wrap Danny into a tight hug and never let him go.

"Jase, you can do this. You can let me go and live your life to the fullest. I have faith in you little bro."

Danny had a look of hope in his green eyes. He gave another soft smile before leaving me alone.

******

My appointment with the psychiatrist was made for a Monday at 1:00 in the afternoon. I wasn't ready for it, that was for sure. I had to take the subway to get there and I thought I was going to have a mental break down. I watched as people entered and exited the sub way train. I studied everyone that was on the sub way train with me. Their gender, guessed their age, clothes, hair color, eye color. Something I did on a regular bases, especially in a crowed place. Someone squealed with laughter and I cringed. I reached for my gun I'd brought with me. The train jarred to a stop, slinging me and rest of the passengers forward.

"This is your stop if you're heading to the VA!" The conductor shouted.

A few people got up. I allowed them to go first. I stepped off last and entered a swarm of people. Weaving and bobbing through them, I made my way down down the street. Cars roared passed and people pushed their way by me. I swore I saw my men standing on the other side of the street. Danny included. I tried to ignore it.

"It's just a hallucination, Jason." I told myself. "You need to calm down."

A car blared its horn and I nearly jumped out of my skin. I took off down the street, weaving in and out of people.

"Watch it, asshole!" Someone shouted.

I wheeled into the VA and didn't stop until I was in the psychiatrist's office. I slunk down into a chair and ran my hands over my face. A women approached me.

"Are you, Jason Donavan?" She asked.

"Yes, ma'am I am." I said, my voice a little shaky.

"Rough trip?" She asked

"Yeah, I don't handle crowds or loud noises well."

"Follow me." She said.

I caught a glance at her. She had her black hair tied back into a braid. She turned and gave a smile. Her eyes were green.

"My name is Kayla Celia and I'll be the one taking care of you. So, Mr. Donavan. What brings you in today?" She asked.

"This appointment was made for my by a friend. He said that I needed to get checked up by a specialist."

"Father Samuels?"

"Yeah."

She lead me into her office. It was a cozy room with a sofa facing her desk and two floor to ceiling windows. She sat down behind her desk and typed on on her computer for a few minutes.

"Tell me about yourself, Jason."

"What do you want to know?" I asked as I took  a seat on the sofa in front of her desk.

"Father Samuels mentioned that you'd been involved in a war. Would you mind explaining what you can to me?"

I fidgeted a bit. I didn't know what to say. I guess, sensing my nervousness she struck up a side conversation.

"You look familiar, Jason."

"I was thinking the same thing, Mrs. Celia."

She broke into a wide smile.

"No need to call me mrs. Kayla will do just fine."

"Sorry, I'm just trying to be respectful."

"Now, I remember where I know you from. The park down the road. I gave you the twenty."

I gave shy smile.

"That's right." I said.

"We're getting side tracked here. Is there anything you can and are willing to  tell me about the war, Jason?" She asked.

I shook my head.

"I don't want to put my burden on you. It's for me to deal with on my own. No one else needs too."

"It's the soldier in you, isn't it?" She asked raising an eyebrow.

"You get this a lot, don't you?" I asked.

"Yes, I do. Getting help is nothing to be ashamed of, Jason. You know you need help, or you wouldn't have came." She said, her emerald green eyes soft with concern.

I got up and began to pace. Kayla didn't know what to think of me. She watched me pace. Something made a loud noise outside the building and I cringed. I rested my hand on my gun I kept tucked in the waist band of my jeans. Kayla spoke ever so softly and nudged my shoulder.

"Jason, you're okay. Come and sit back down."

I allowed her to led me back to the sofa.

"Sorry, I- I don't handle loud or sudden noises well." I said, looking at my feet.

My hands were shaking and my head began to throb.

"Jason, if you can, I want you to explain what happen to you during the war." She said softly.

"A lot happened to me. I was sent over to Iraq with the FBI unit I work for. Of course I don't work for them now.... I'm to fucked up in the head to work. It was my brother Danny, a few of my best friends Chase, Kyle, John, and I. Of course the other soldiers but they didn't know we were with the FBI. During the war, I lost my bother....I lost all my men. I failed my country, I failed my men, and most of all I failed my brother. I was supposed to bring Danny home, but I let him die..... He died in my my arms and it's all my fault...."

Kayla came and sat down beside me but never said a word. Tears pricked my eyes but I didn't let them fall.

"Now that I'm home I can't sleep, I can't eat, I'm having sever night mares, flashbacks, and hallucinations. I drink and do drugs, too. I've seen my brother several times and had full out conversations with him.... He's trying to tell me something but I can't figure out what...."

"Have you told anyone about seeing your brother?"

"I told my mother but she blamed it on my lack of sleep."

"Are you on any medicine?"

"No, I was supposed to be but we never got it filled."

"I didn't mean to confess everything to you."

"It's alright, Jason. It's my job to help wounded war vets like yourself. I'm here to help. I'm going to give you my number and if you need to talk about anything just call."

"Thank you.... It's going to be a long recovery for me."

"It won't be a problem."

I noticed a picture on her desk. It was of the little boy at the park.

"How's your son doing." I said, picking up the picture.

"Oh, he's not my son. He's my sisters son. Little Zachary. He's a sweet kid. Besides my husband doesn't want kids. He says that keeping Zachary three times a week is enough for him." 

I felt incredibly stupid.

"Sorry, I figured that...."

"No, no, it's fine I get that a lot." Kayla said, a sly smile planted on her face.

"It was nice meeting you Kayla. I appreciate you helping me out."

"There will be many more sessions to come, Jason." She said, just as her phone rang.

"Speaking of my husband."

She answered the phone.

I gave a wave and mouthed a thank you before walked out of her office and out of the building. I felt good about this. Maybe getting help wasn't going to be such a bad thing after all.