[Jack's pov]

I walked in my house later that day, I haven't stopped smiling. For some reason the thought of Alex actually being nicer made me happy. Maybe I'll get beat on less this year. Things certainly have changed since the start of this year, Zack is less shy, Alex is actually being nicer, I have friends, and I haven't burned myself since the relapse. 

"Why are you so smiley?" My mom chuckled. I didn't even notice her standing there. 

"Because, this person is being nicer to me...And I think I might like them." I admitted. I don't know how I feel about him, honestly. My emotions are just shot, since my dad left I haven't cared for anyone but Zack and my mom. That's it. I'm new to this whole "feelings" thing. 

"Aw, well can I know her name?" My mom smiled widely. Oh shit, she said her. Plus, she wants to know the name. Oh fuck. I thought for a long time, then it hit me. 

"Uhh her name is Astrid." I lied. Majorly lied, but my mom didn't seem to catch on to my lie. 

"Oh really now?" I heard another voice ask. I turned around, face to face with no other than Alex. I widened my eyes at him, letting him know to drop it. "Uhm mom, I'm gonna go hang with Alex. See ya!" I said in a hurry and pulled Alex out the door. 

"You like Astrid?" Alex whispered, shock in his voice. 

"No, not like that. Just follow me, I have a lot of explaining to do." I tugged on his arm and pulled him to the tree house. Yes, I was letting my guard down slowly. So I'll let him in the tree house just once. 

We sat on the comfy bean bag chairs I had in the corner of the tree house. "So, explain." Alex nudged me. Okay, how do you explain to someone that you might have feelings for them and you might be gay? 'Hey Alex, I'm gay and I like penis. More specifically your penis.' Oh hell no, I'm not saying that. I want to explain calmly, not scare the guy to where he gets a restraining order against me for being a complete weirdo. 

"Okay, well I think I sort of like someone, but I'm not sure. I've never really had feelings before. I was just always and still am numb That's all I am. So when my mom asked who, I just panicked and said Astrid. Even though the person I like is no where near Astrid." I explained. Alex shook his head and gave me a small smile. "Well, I'm always here for you Jack-o." He ruffled my hair, causing me to glare at him. I just  wanted to hug him, be close to him. I internally groaned, what the fuck is wrong with me? 

"So, what are you gonna do when your mom thinks you like Astrid when Astrid comes to your house?" He asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Fuck." I mumbled. 

"You could just tell her the truth. I mean, how bad could the person be?" 

"The person isn't bad. In fact my mom adores this person, but I'm afraid she won't accept me or anything with the person. If that makes sense." I ran my hands through my hair. This is going to be difficult. 

"Don't worry, we'll stress about it later. But right now we have a song to write." I let Alex pull me to my feet and lead me to his house. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Oh how about this,"

"Take apart

Everything that's
Holding me down

Make a point
To pick a new direction
To make a new connection" Alex sang, studying the words on the notebook in front of him.

"Yeah, that's perfect. You're really good at singing ya know?" He smiled at me, that's been happening a lot lately. He really is friendly after all. I wonder what made him change his mind and everything. 

"Thanks. I've been singing for awhile. I enjoy writing a lot." He stressed the word a lot. 

"You've written a song before? Can I hear it?" I gave him hopeful eyes. Alex just seems to get more interesting every day. It's odd to be close to someone who isn't Zack. 

"Uhm sure." He said shyly. It sounded like he was sort of sad. He cleared his voice and began to sing. 

"Make it a sweet, sweet goodbye

It could be for the last time and it's not right.
"Don't let yourself get in over your head, " he said.
Alone and far from home I'll find you...

Dead, like a candle you burned out;
Spill the wax over the spaces left in place of angry words.
Scream, to be heard, like you needed any more attention;
Throw the bottle, break the door, and disappear.

Sing me to sleep, I'll see you in my dreams,
Waiting to say, "I miss you. I'm so sorry."

Forever's never seemed so long as when you're not around
It's like a piece of me is missing.
I could have learned so much from you but what's left now?
Don't you realize you shot this family a world of pain?
Can't you see there could have been a happy ending we let go?

Sing me to sleep, I'll see you in my dreams,
Waiting to say, "I miss you. I'm so sorry."

Sing me to sleep.
Sing me to sleep.
Sing me to sleep.
Sing me to s...

Sing me to sleep (You've taken so much with you...)
I'll see you in my dreams, (But left the worst with me...),
Waiting to say, "I miss you. I'm so sorry."
I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" 

I stared at him for a moment, until I decided to start to clap. "That was beautiful Alex. Can I ask what the meaning behind it is?" I asked. He just stared down at his lap and cleared his throat again.

"Uhm..I-it's about my brother. He uh, he died when I was in England. Got addicted to alcohol I guess." His voice broke as he spoke to me. I regret ever asking him, I know what it's like to lose someone so close. 

"I'm so sorry." I whispered to him. He wiped away a tear that slithered down his cheek. 

"Everyone says that. But no one means it, no one cares, and no one understands what it's like. Everyone just doesn't get it." His voice grew louder. Almost like he was angry, over nothing. 

"Alex! Don't you get it, my dad left me when I was 10. Fucking 10 years old Alex! He never came back, never told me why. He left me when I needed him most, the reason I'm like this now is because of him, this is his fault! I understand. I understand a little bit too well. At least you know what happened to your brother, my dad just got up and decided he didn't want his fuck up of a son anymore. My mom and I hasn't talked about him, I'm pretty sure she knows why he left but just won't tell me."

"Jack--" Alex started. "No, I'm--" "No, Jack. Turn around." Alex said sadly. I turned around to see the sad and horrified face of my mother. She had tears in her eyes and her face was red. 

"Jack. Home. Now." My mom pointed towards the door. The numb feeling took over again, so I wasn't really that sad or mad. Just, numb. I walked home with my mom behind me and Alex watching from his bedroom window. As soon as I got inside, I immediately ran up the stairs and to my room. I locked the door behind me, not really in the mood to hear what my mom's going to say when she lectures and yells at me. I don't feel bad about saying what I said, I've been holding it in for way to long. My mom doesn't want to talk about what happened to my dad, and I just want to know why he didn't want me anymore. I bet the bastard threw away the Sock Monkey I gave him and shredded the drawing as well. I rolled my eyes and laid on my bed. 

"Jack! Get your ass down here!" My mom yelled. Well, practically screamed, from down stairs. I groaned and rolled over on my bed. "NO!" I yelled back. I felt the tears well up in my eyes. 

"If you don't get your ass down here I'm going to kick your ass." My mom got angrier with every second I stayed in my safe locked room. 

"You won't kick my ass, you aren't abusive." I scoffed. 

"Jackary Bassam Barakat you watch your fucking language!" My mom yelled from now, outside of my door. 

"You watch your fucking language." I retorted and walked into my bathroom. I pulled out the all too familiar things I craved to use. The knife and lighter. I sat on the bathroom floor and heated the cool metal the blade was made of with the lighter. Once it was hot enough I pressed the lighter to my upper arm. I winced at first but then the pain turned to pleasure, all the sounds of my mom's obnoxious banging on the door and angry words drifting off as I focused on just the fire and metal. 

"Jack? Please unlock the door Jack." I heard Alex knock softly on my bedroom door. Where did my angry mom go? I put the lighter and knife down on the counter and walked back in my room.

"Jack, I know you're awake. Just please let me in." He pleaded. I can't deny that it sounded adorable. 

"No. Not right now." I whispered. The feeling of failure filling up my insides, there goes trying to stay clean. 

"Jack, listen, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry about what happened with your father. He was insane to leave you. Your mom left the house. It's just me and you here." I heard his back slide against the door. I walked over to the door and did the same. 

"Why can't we just talk through the door?" I asked. I really couldn't risk him seeing the burns on my arm. That would make me feel worse. 

"Because, I want to see your beautiful face." He chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. 

"Sorry. I'm more comfortable like this." I said back. I saw Alex's hand slide under the door. "Take my hand." He insisted. I did as told and he rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb. "You'll be okay. I promise." He whispered. 

10 minutes later I put the knife and lighter away and pulled on a jacket. I let Alex in my room and I locked the door again. We sat on my bed, just talking. Alex's hand never left mine. I felt like my heart was going to explode.