Barbie

 I was in my element, dancing with Leslie at the center of the floor, our movements synchronized with the rhythm. Tila kasabay ng hampas ng bass sa speaker ay siyang pagpintig ng mga ugat ko na tila nagpapa-vibrate sa buong katawa. Ito ay maingay, walang humpay, at nakalalasing—katulad ng naging buhay ko. Ang mga ilaw ay kumikislap, patay-bukas ito kasabay ng malakas na upbeat ng music.

 Sabay kaming gumalaw ni Leslie, ang aming mga balakang ay umuugoy at ang aming mga braso ay hinahawakan ang isa't isa. Sa paligid namin, ang dagat ng mga katawan ay pumipintig at umindayog gaya namin. Around us, the sea of bodies pulsed and swayed, a living, breathing entity driven by the DJ's relentless beats.

Speaking of the DJ, Arabella was leaning over his station, her eyes half-lidded and seductive as she whispered something in his ear. Ang gaga, naninirador na naman ng DJ. The DJ grinned at me, seems like telling me that she was winning him over. Kim, meanwhile, was tangled up with some guy near the bar, their lips locked in a passionate embrace. I couldn't help but smile. This was our life now: wild, free, and uninhibited.

Habang sinisipat ko ang dalawang kaibigan ko na may sariling mundo, naramadam ko na tila may humawak sa bewang ko mula sa likod, hinila ako palapit. Tumingin ako sa likod upang makita ang isang lalaki, he has a dark, smoldering eyes and a confident smirk. He leaned in, his breath hot against my ear as he spoke.

"Hey there, beautiful," his voice low and husky "You dance like a goddess."

I smiled, letting myself be swept up in the moment. "Thanks," I said, leaning back into him, letting his hands roam. His touch was bold, confident, and I could feel the heat of his body against mine.

We moved together, our bodies perfectly in sync. His hands traced the curves of my waist and hips, drawing me closer until there was no space left between us. My heart pounded, a mix of excitement and the thrill of losing myself in the moment.Mas madaling kalimutan ang nakaraan sa ganitong paraan, mas madaling lunurin ang mga alaala sa malakas na musika at ang pakiramdam ng mga kamay  sa aking balat. Isa na namang guwapong lalaki ang mabibingwit ko ngayong gabi.

"Want to get out of here?" bulong niya sabay lapat ng labi niya sa tenga ko. "My place isn't far."

Humarap ako sa kanya, halos magkadikit na ang ilong namin. Ang kanyang mga mata ay madilim at nag-aanyaya, at nakikita ko ang pagnanasa sa kanila. Baka ngayong gabi, kasama siya, makakalimutan ko ang lahat. Kalimutan ang sakit, ang dalamhati, at ang multo ng pag-ibig na hanggang ngayon ay sumasagi sa isip ko.

"Yes," bulong ko pabalik, "Let's go?"

He grabbed my hand, leading me through the throng of dancers. Nahuli ko ang mata ni Leslie nang dumaan kami sa tapat niya, at binigyan niya ako ng isang nakakaalam na kindat, sabay sabing "Have fun and be safe."

 Tumango lang ako at kumindat pabalik. As we pushed through the crowd, I glanced back one last time. Arabella was still with the DJ, and Kim was still making out with her stranger. My friends were immersed in their own worlds, just like I was about to be.

We stumbled out into the cool night air, the sudden silence almost deafening after the chaos of the bar. Inakay niya ako papalabs ng bar,  ang braso niya ay nasa bewang ko pa rin, hinila ako palapit. Hindi ko man alam ang pangalan niya, ngunit sa sandaling iyon, wala nang mas mahalaga pa. All that mattered was the promise of escape, even if it was just for a little while.

Two years ago, I was a different person. I was Anne Josephine Barbara Mercado, a film and communication student with big dreams and a clear vision for my future. I was also in love with Dos, my other half. We were inseparable, our love storiy the envy of many. But that was before the rumors, before the heartbreak. I had pleaded, begged him even my heart breaking as he turned away. But he didn't believe me. He believed the lies, the whispers that had torn us apart. And in his anger, he had pushed me away, leaving me shattered and lost.

Dahil sa kanya ay naging ganito ako, I was a "fuck girl" for her, a cheatewr, a traitor. Kung gano'n naman pala ang iniisip niya sa akin ay bakit hindi ko na lamang panindigan. Not just him, even my own parents. 

We reached his apartment, a small but cozy place just a few blocks from the bar. Kinapa niya ang mga susi, bahagyang nanginginig ang mga kamay sa pananabik. Pinagmasdan ko siya, malaking siyang lalaki, maybe 6'1 dahil mas matangkad siya kumoara sa akin na 5'3 lang, he's bulky, malaki ang biceps at namumutok ang pandesal na halat sa suot niyang itim na t-shirt. 

Sure ako na masasarapan ako sa kanya. Sana malaki.

He opened the door, pulling me inside. The moment the door closed behind us, he was on me, his lips crashing against mine with an urgency that matched my own. I kissed him back, letting the fire consume me, hoping it would burn away the memories that still haunted me.

Ang kanyang mga kamay ay gumagala sa buong katawa ko, ang aming mga katawan ay magkadikit habang  patungo kami sa kwarto.I wanted to lose myself in him, to drown in the sensations and forget everything else. Nang bumagsak kami sa kama, ang kanyang mga labi ay nakasunod sa aking leeg, ipinikit ko ang aking mga mata at hinayaan ang dilim na pumalit. Siguro ngayong gabi, makakahanap ako ng isang sandali ng kapayapaan, kahit na ito ay panandalian. Maybe tonight, I could forget that I didn't want to lose him, even though I already had.

The night was a blur of passion and desperation. As I lay in the stranger's arms, I stared at the ceiling and let the memories wash over me. I didn't know if I would ever truly escape the past, but for now, I was content to let the present consume me.

The shrill sound of my phone's alarm pierced through the fog of sleep, dragging me back to reality.I groaned, bulag na inabot ko ang cellphone ko na nag-aalarm, nakapatong ito sa nightstand. Habang kinakalkal ko ito, lumiwanag ang screen, 4:00 AM na.

Napakurap-kurap ako, sinusubukang tanggalin ang mga gumugulo sa isipan ko. Nagmamadaling bumalik ang mga alaala ng kagabi - the bar, the dancing, the man whose name I still didn't know pero ibinigay ko agad ang aking sarili kapalit ng panandaliang sarap. Ibinaling ko ang aking ulo at nakita ko siya sa tabi kong mahimbing ang tulog. 

I silenced the alarm and slowly slipped out of bed, trying not to wake him. Ang mga damit ko ay nakakalat sa sahig. Habang isinusuot ko ang sequin dress pabalik sa katawan ko, hindi ko maiwasan na makaramdam ako ng panghihinayang. 

This wasn't who I used to be, but maybe it was who I needed to be now.

I picked up my phone, noting the time again. It was Monday morning, and I had classes in a few hours. As a third-year film and communication student at Ateneo de Manila University, I couldn't afford to miss another day. Nanganganib na ang GPA ko dahil sa gabi-gabing pagpaparty ko, nanganganib na rin akong mawala sa scholar ng Ninong ko Mayor, at nanganganib na rin maubos ang allowance ko kakaaya nila Kim na mag-bar gabi-gabi.

Kumandirit  ako palabas ng kwarto, sinuot ang mga takong ko ng tahimik hangga't kaya ko. Ang aking ulo ay pumipintig sa isang mapurol na sakit,  sumobra na naman ako sa alak. Nag-alinlangan ako sa pintuan, binalik ang tingin sa natutulog na lalaking nakasama ko kagabi Saglit akong nag-isip kung dapat ba akong magpaalam sa kanya o umalis na lang ako basta dahil hindi niya naman deserve. I wasn't satisfied.

Maliit.

I shook my head. This was just another fleeting encounter, another attempt to fill the void.