CHAPTER XVI

- if it's any consolation -

[Esther]

There was shouting downstairs again. Something about it was louder and more intense than normal, because even with her headphones on and the volume turned up to the maximum, Esther couldn't focus on touching up the music Robin had sent her. This was becoming more common these days, and it was definitely showing: Esther had a backlog of work to catch up on and the concert date was looming.

She gave up on writing, and switched her attention to her homework, hoping some hard thinking would take her mind off it, but she'd barely started when she heard heavy, furious footsteps pounding up the steps that led to her room. The door flung open, slamming into the wall behind it with such force it knocked a couple of books off the shelf above the desk Esther was working on.

Esther spun round sharply. Her sister kicked the door shut behind her, dumping a bunch of clothes from her bedroom that she'd hastily bundled in her arms onto the bed.

"I hate him," Ivy said, furiously. "Remember all that stuff I said about it not being possible to hate somebody? That was total bull. I think I got that from a calendar or something."

She'd said stuff like this before, but she always had that light-hearted nonchalance in her voice that indicated she wasn't being serious. This time, though, was different. The venom in her voice made Esther's blood chill.

"Ivy..."

"I don't understand, what does he get out of being a total douche all the time?" Ivy stormed, standing on Esther's bed and opening up the doors above it, revealing the small cupboard where Esther kept her bags. "Do you think he gets off on it, seeing as he's clearly not getting it from anyone else?" she continued, just ranting. "I can totally understand why, I wouldn't want to stay more than ten seconds with that douche if I could help it–"

She threw Esther's small suitcase onto the bed, and started stuffing clothes into it with angry, aggressive movements. Esther scooted her chair a little closer.

"Ivy, what are you doing?" she said, weakly. It looked like she was planning on leaving, but...she couldn't be. What had she said earlier...?

"I'm sick of this place," Ivy snapped, her voice fierce. "I'm going. I mean it this time."

"You can't leave," Esther said, standing up with such haste she knocked the chair over. "You said we'd stick together! You promised!"

"I'm sorry, Esther," Ivy said. "That asshole­ is driving me up the wall. I can't take it. Every time I come home he just lays into me, like he waits up all night just to hear me come in so he can shout. I've had it with him."

She heard an impatient rap on the door and saw Ivy tense, like a tiger ready to pounce. It had to be their dad; there was nobody else in the house.

"Just ignore it," Esther hissed, but Ivy was too fired up.

"What the fuck do you want?" she shouted at the door. "You've said enough! Why do you have to be here?"

"Ivy, you're being completely unreasonable," her dad's voice was distant behind the door, but she could hear the exasperation in his tone clearly. "Open the door and let's have a civilised discussion about this."

"I'm being fucking unreasonable?!" Ivy yelled.

"What have I said about your language?" he warned. "I won't tolerate this rudeness from you–"

"And then you want a civilised discussion," Ivy countered, resuming stuffing clothes into the suitcase. "What's the point? If I try and defend myself you say I'm arguing with you. If I disagree with one of your points I'm being rude. Why don't you just say 'This is my way of doing things and there's nothing you can do about it' and dispense with the 'civilised discussion' crap, yeah?"

"You know that's not true!"

"No, seriously. I'm sick of your lies and you pretending to be the good guy. Let's just be upfront about this. You're never going to listen to me. Just come out and say it. We all know that's the deal here. And seeing as we're being honest, I've got something to tell you, too. I'm not going to follow any of your dumbass rules because I won't even be in the house. I'm leaving. I hope you wanted some peace and quiet because now you're sure as hell gonna get it."

"And where are you gonna go, Ivy? You don't have money, don't have a job –"

"I don't care!" she yelled, abruptly grabbing the suitcase and slamming it against the door with a thunderous crash. The clothes she'd hastily crammed into it spun out, flying all over the floor.

"Ivy, stop it!" Esther screamed at her, scared now. She'd never seen her sister like this before.

But Ivy was on a roll now. She wasn't stopping for anyone. "Stop talking to me about that stuff! I'm working on it, okay? If you really wanted me to get a job or something then maybe you could help instead of just criticising me all the time? Do you think I want to get home every day and hear you point out everything wrong with me over and over? What's that gonna solve? Nothing! So just shut up about it, okay?"

"Of course I want to help you, but you won't–"

"What did I say about being honest? I know you, you don't want to help me at all! The only reason you talk about all this stuff I'm not doing is because you're a dickbag who likes seeing other people miserable. You ever stop to wonder why pretty much everyone in your life left you? First mum, then Seth, now me. Then it'll be Esther. You can blame us all you like, but who's the common denominator, huh?"

No...no, Esther thought frantically. She could see the resolution on Ivy's face now, mounting with each word she yelled at her dad. She was really serious about this. Esther felt her heart wrench sharply inside her, suddenly remembering the feeling she got when she realised Seth wasn't going to call her, or visit, that he'd given up on the family. And what was worse, she could see it playing out again all too clearly in front of her here. She'd lost her mother, then her brother...she could feel her whole family crumbling right before her eyes.

Esther felt the tears welling, and before she could stop herself, she felt them slip down her cheeks. Her chest tightened, hot and frantic. "Ivy...you can't leave," she said desperately, tugging on her sleeve to distract her attention from the door. "Don't leave me on my own. I need you, you're the only family I've got left."

"You've got dad," Ivy snorted, bitterly. "He loves you. You're sensible and practical, you'll get on like a house on fire."

"It's not the same!" Esther replied. "I hardly ever talk to him! Maybe I will hate him too if I get to know him like everybody else does. What'll happen then? I won't have anyone to talk to about it. I don't want to be alone. I've always had you, no matter what happened...that's the only thing that kept me going. What will I do without you?"

"Don't be silly, Esther. We'll still talk–"

"I don't want this to be Seth all over again!" Esther shot back, her voice suddenly loud, hoarse, surprising both of them. Her voice seemed to ring against the sudden silence.

"Esther..."

"You say you'll call, but you'll forget about us like he did and I'll never see you again! I don't want it to be like that, Ivy! Please don't go. We can still work it out, the three of us. That's what family is for. We're not perfect, but we find a way to live with our differences in the end!"

Ivy hesitated.

"Esther's right," a voice sounded, muffled by the door. Both of them started; Esther had forgotten he was still there. She flushed a little – had he heard everything she'd said about him? "Families need to stick together. I don't think you'd last long out of the house, anyway."

"Shut the fuck up, dad!" Ivy shouted, pounding the door again. Esther looked pleadingly at her, but Ivy just rolled her eyes.

"Are you even listening to him?" Ivy said, turning to Esther. "He doesn't want to kiss and make up. He just wants to make my life miserable."

Esther took a deep breath, trying to calm herself.

"Look, you're both mad at each other," Esther replied. "You both need some time to cool down. Then when you're ready...try to understand each other. Come on, give it a try. It's all about empathy. I know the two of you can get along if you're both willing to."

Ivy's mouth twitched a little. "Look at you, sounding so mature. You're showing me up. Come on, stop crying," she knelt down and gave Esther a quick hug. "You're right. Maybe I am being rash."

"So...you'll stay?" Esther asked, dragging her hand across her eyes.

Ivy nodded with an uncertain smile, and Esther breathed a sigh of relief. She felt the knot of fear in her heart loosen up a bit. Maybe things would get better now, if the two of them honestly tried to co-operate...

Ivy straightened up and jerked open the door, glaring at their dad.

"Fine," she said. "I'll stay. But I'm only staying for Esther, so don't think you had anything to do with it. And I'm sleeping at Luce's house tonight. This place gives me a headache."

Without waiting for a reply, she grabbed the suitcase off Esther's bed and made her way downstairs. Their dad watched her go with a mildly amused expression on his face, then glanced inside at the mess in Esther's room: the dent in the door, the white paint chipping away; the scattered clothes that hadn't made it into the suitcase; the chair on the floor and the books on the table and the cupboard door hanging open.

They heard the sound of the door slam two storeys down. Esther's dad leaned on the doorframe, shaking his head.

"She's a melodramatic one, isn't she?" he said, with a sidelong glance in her direction, like he was expecting her to side with him. Esther wasn't sure what to say – she tried to avoid their arguments, and from the little snippets she picked up when she absolutely couldn't avoid the fighting it was hard to tell who, if anyone, was right or wrong.

"Maybe you should be a bit nicer to her," Esther said at length, cautiously.

"I'm doing what's best for her," he insisted. "She's nineteen now, so she thinks she's all grown up. Thinks she knows everything. Then how come she's sitting at home when all her friends are at University? The least she can do now is make the most of her gap year, but will she get a job? No. Volunteer work? No. Study for resits?" He snorted. "Chance would be a fine thing. All I'm doing is trying to give her some focus in her life, show her what's important. As her father, that's my job."

Esther wasn't sure if he expected a reply or not. She didn't know how to talk to him – most of their conversations were small-talk over the dinner table. After it became apparent Esther wasn't going to continue the conversation, Esther's dad made a grunting noise and headed back downstairs. Esther sank down onto the stairs, her breathing shaky, relief and uncertainty clashing against each other.

She'd managed to hold back the storm a little, hold up the shaky foundations of what was left of their family – but for how long?

---

a/n:

aaaaaaand...we're back! (kazoo fanfare)

Sorry for the long wait (and sorry this chapter is so depressing XD) - summer has been busier than I thought and I've only been able to write bits and pieces. However, I need to get back into the swing of things, so hopefully there won't be any long breaks from now on.

The good news is, the exciting stuff is coming up! I will also be setting an update target of at least twice every calendar month - so hopefully I'll get into a rhythm. Otherwise, thanks for reading, and see you next update!