CHAPTER XVII

- nobody is too cool for musical theatre -

[Liam]

Lunch on Monday was announced as a special meal to celebrate the school's 65th anniversary, surprising everyone, who for the most part hadn't even realised the school was that old. Even then, Liam was surprised when he came to lunch and found their usual table full. He later learned from Anthea that Eli had cancelled the backstage session when she'd heard the news, which meant Esther and Robin were there as well.

Liam had expected a slightly half-assed obligatory meal, but it looked like the school had gone all out on this one. The tables were all covered in paper cloths with napkins and everything, there was complimentary orange juice to drink instead of just water and balloons and streamers hanging from the ceiling. The festivities put everyone in higher spirits: even Esther, who had been noticeably distracted all morning, seemed to cheer up a little.

Liam was in a good mood by the time he'd finished eating: the food was pretty decent, he didn't have to eat lunch alone today and his further maths lesson earlier had gone pretty well. It was nice when everything in his life was going smoothly. Eli must have been feeling in a similar mood, because when lunch was over she stretched her arms over her head and gave a long, contented sigh.

"Now that was a good lunch," she said. "If only the school had forked out a little more and given us dessert too, but hey, I'm not complaining."

Liam grinned and caught Anthea's eye as she reached into her bag.

"Oh, actually," Anthea said, casually slipping a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts onto the table. "Dessert's on us."

"You beautiful beautiful human being you," Eli screamed, wrenching the lid open and grabbing a raspberry filled one.

"Oh, wow," Robin grinned, scanning the box. "What's this in aid of?"

"Gilligan's maths quiz," Liam said, reaching for one.

Robin and Esther looked at him, confused. "What now?"

"Dr. Gilligan, further maths teacher," Eli said, beating Liam to the explanation. "She's been known to pit her students against each other in teams in a Hunger Games style maths quiz, where the winners get a box of doughnuts to share."

Esther nodded slowly. "This is why I don't like maths," she said.

"So...what happened to the rest of your team?" Robin asked.

"Who, Liam?" Anthea asked innocently. Liam grinned and gave him a little finger wave.

"What, it was just the two of you?" Esther said.

"I did numerical methods and Anthea did the calculus," Liam explained. Usually the teams were in four or five, but Anthea was the smartest person he knew, and the two of them worked well together. "Those other guys didn't stand a chance."

Anthea and Liam gave each other a jubilant fist-bump.

"You know, I'm really happy you two have teamed up and are using your maths skills for good," Eli commented, licking her fingers contentedly. "For a while I thought you'd be trying to outcompete each other forever."

"Oh, this was just a temporary truce," Liam said. "Anthea's buying me lunch when I beat her in the mocks in January."

"In your dreams," Anthea said. "Your test average is like eighty-eight percent."

"Well, you're a year older than me, so I should get special consideration or something."

"You're really playing that card?" Anthea grinned. "That's a low blow, even for someone your size."

"Wha – you said you'd stop making comments about my height!"

Before Anthea could reply, Robin spoke up. "What the hell...?" he said quietly, looking over as Diana and Jen approached their table. Liam noticed the conversations on the tables around them falter and die out as they walked past.

"Hey, guys," Diana said. "How's things?"

"Good," Esther said.

"Eli, right?" Diana said brightly, looking at her. "Are you still selling tickets for your festival thing?"

Liam felt his heart quicken a little. Jen was coming to the festival? He'd asked around at rehearsals and had been assured that Jen, or any of her friends, had never come to a music and arts festival, ever, so this was a shock to him. He couldn't believe it. What were the odds...?

Eli stared at her for a couple of seconds, her expression a perfect mix of confusion and outright surprise. "You're coming to the festival?" she asked, her mouth still full. Even with the food muffling the words, Liam could still clearly hear disbelief lighting her voice.

"Yeah! Looking forward to it," Diana said. "Is there something wrong?"

Eli swallowed her mouthful, self-consciously rubbing the jam off her face. "No, no. I was just...I mean...sure. Tickets are um...like £7 each...so..."

Diana opened her purse and took out a note and a pound coin, placing them neatly on the table. "We'll take three."

While Eli was rummaging around in her bag for tickets, Liam caught Jen's eye. "Are you free later?" he asked, hopefully. He wanted to see her, sure, but part of him also wanted to prove to Eli and the others that the two of them were getting close. It would be a bit awkward if she turned him down, but from her comments last time he figured he at least had a chance.

"Depends," she said, the teasing look in her green eyes making his pulse quicken, so he could feel the blood rushing at his fingertips, awake. "Make me an offer."

You got this, he told himself, psyching himself up.

"So, uh...there's that new film out, right? You interested?"

She looked at him for a few seconds, drawing out the suspense, and then nodded slowly. "Yeah, ok. I could go for a movie."

Liam grinned. "Awesome."

Eli found the roll of tickets. Her fingers were slightly sticky with jam and the first one she tore off stuck stubbornly to them when she tried to hand it over. "Uh...hold on," she said, sucking her fingers to clean them, and then ripped off a second one, hesitated, discarded it, and wiped her hands on her trousers. "Gimme a sec..."

Diana watched the whole thing with a politely pained expression; Jen, as usual, gave nothing away. Eventually, Eli deigned her hands clean enough and ripped three off the end, handing them over. "Sorry about that...here. Thanks...um, for coming over. I guess...we'll see you guys there?"

"Thanks so much!" Diana said, tucking them into her bag. "See you around!"

The two of them walked away, the gazes of most of the students sitting around them following their profiles, then turning to look back at Eli and the rest of her table once they'd left the cafeteria. Eli was still looking at their direction long after they'd walked out of the cafeteria entirely, and then abruptly swivelled back round in her seat to look at them.

"Just so I'm sure that just happened," Eli said slowly. "Jen and Diana just came up to us and bought tickets, right?"

"Yeah," Robin said.

"And it wasn't some sort of crazy prank, or some weird social experiment?"

"Don't think so," Esther said.

She slammed her hands down on the table. "And then Liam totally asked Jen out and she was completely ok with it?!"

Liam grinned; the sense of validation was incredible. "I told you, man."

"I think I need another doughnut."

The movie was supposed to be pretty good, but Liam didn't remember much of it, because every time he remembered what he was doing and who he was with he died a little bit inside. All he remembered was the darkness, and the exhilarating closeness, and all the words in the film that made her laugh.

"Did you like it?" he asked, once the film let out, conversations of the movie-goers blurring around them as they walked.

"It was good," Jen said, nodding. "I thought it was an interesting study on identity. How much of us is really us, and how much is what society says we should be...sometimes I think it's more the latter."

He loved how smart she was. He didn't even bother trying to reply, merely nodding and letting her words dissolve into the twilight.

"It's a nice night," she said, turning to him. "Want to go for a walk?"

"Sure," Liam said, trying not to sound too eager.

After a brief stop at a convenience store in town, they wound up at the park again. Jen picked a spot, settling elegantly down onto the grass, with Liam following suit just after. The air was still; despite the floodlights and the people walking about everything felt muted, distant.

"I love constellations," Jen murmured, after a second. Liam looked over at her, startled, as she continued: "When I was a kid, I used to look up at the sky on clear nights and wonder how people looked at that big, random mess of stars and picked out patterns and gave it all construct."

"That's what people are like, right? Seeing patterns in things."

"Why is that?" Jen asked, almost to herself. "Why is it that we can't let chaos be? Why do we feel the need to structure everything, control everything?"

"I think it's cool. We see chaotic systems and find a way to make it useful to us. Once you control something you can make it work for you. Like using the Big Dipper to help you find out where you are. It's all about utility."

"I suppose," Jen said, and then smiled to herself. "Perhaps I just find the whole thing a little dull."

"Well, the stars move around," Liam said, turning to grin at her. "Wait a couple of thousand years and all our constellations will be meaningless. Chaos will reign supreme once more."

That made her laugh a little. Liam felt her fingers drop, lingering against his wrist for a moment, like she was about to take his hand, but when Liam moved slightly she seemed to change her mind and brushed her hair behind her ear instead.

For a while, they didn't say anything. Liam felt hyperaware of everything, not just how close she was to him, but of the darkness around them and the way the park streetlights drowned out the pinpricks of the stars above them, the crunch of gravel as people walked by them and the gentle splash of the lakewater, dappled with spots of light.

"This is the same tree where we had that cake last month," Liam said.

Jen smiled. "Well, isn't that a coincidence?"

Liam wondered if she'd picked this spot out deliberately, if it had the same kind of significance to her that it did to him. He wanted to ask her, but part of him held back. It sounded kind of lame to ask, as if every time he walked past this spot he slowed a little and remembered what it was like to be so close to her, just talking time away. Which he didn't, of course, but he didn't want her to think that.

Jen moved slightly; rooting around in the plastic bag she'd brought with her. Eventually, she fished out a bottle: a slender neck tapering out to a wider base, the rosy hue of its contents just about visible in the dim light. Exquisite & Co. Rose Cider, the label read.

"You're eighteen?" Liam asked, looking at the bottle.

"It's not as fun as it looks," she told him, with a quick grin. Term started in September and it was November now, which meant her birthday must have been in the past two months. He wished he'd known: he could have given her something.

She uncapped the bottle and took a sip, tilting her head back as she drank. Liam couldn't look away: her green eyes, her lashes hanging low over her lidded eyes, the way her throat moved as she swallowed, it was all captivating. She sighed and finished her mouthful, catching him staring a second before he glanced away. When he finally looked back at her he saw the laughter in her eyes and flushed, embarrassed.

"Do you want some?" she asked lightly. He hesitated; technically, he shouldn't. His parents didn't drink: they frowned upon it, like they did on public displays of affection and humanities subjects. But if he refused, would she think he was boring?

Jen smiled. "I won't tell anyone, if that's what you're worried about."

"I'm not worried," he shot back, defensively.

"Yeah?"

He'd backed himself into a corner, so he took the bottle and drank, and for a second he tasted her, before the alcohol drowned everything out. The thick tastes of apple and raspberry mingled, scattering when the fizz kicked in, and the unfamiliar kick at the end souring the back of his throat. He winced a little and handed it back to her.

"Like it?"

"I can't really tell," he said.

"You'll get used to it," she told him, taking another swig. They stayed like that for a bit, talking and passing the bottle across the space between them. "First time I tried it, I didn't really like it much either. Cole used to bring a bottle over every time he came round. It kind of creeps up on you."

Cole was her boyfriend before Warren, the boy with the piercing who she'd dumped somewhat unceremoniously two weeks before she started year thirteen. It seemed like everyone had a story about one of her past relationships: between Eli, his physics class and the people in Musical Theatre, he'd managed to piece together a pretty comprehensive picture.

"How many guys have you been out with?" he blurted out, before he could stop the words.

"Enough," she said, shortly, and then glanced over at him and caught the look on his face. "Oh, Liam," she added, laughing a little. "Don't worry about it. You're different."

He blinked. "What does that mean?"

"What do you think?"

He didn't know how to answer that question, so he didn't say anything.

"Sometimes I wonder if you can really have a genuine relationship with someone else," she said suddenly, surprising him. "I've seen a lot of relationships, and even when they look like everyone loves each other on the surface, you get older and you realise there's a lot of stuff people don't show and don't talk about, and it just sits there. And then you start looking for the holes in other people's relationships, and when you know what to look for it gets easy.

"The others think I'm cynical," she added, with a little laugh. "Maybe I am. Or maybe I don't want to break their perfect little worlds. Maybe they'll go on to find nice people and really enjoy each other's company. Aaron and Ally will stay together. I might just be doing it wrong."

She looked over at Liam, and seemed to notice he was there for the first time.

"I don't usually talk like this," she said. "You seem to get me in these kinds of moods, spilling all my secret thoughts like this."

Liam felt a creeping warmth rising up his face. "Me? Why?"

The edge of her mouth quirked a little. "You seem like a man of integrity, of course."

He breathed a startled laugh. Jen dipped her head a little, leaning into him so their foreheads were almost touching. She had an odd way of smiling like this, the way her eyes smiled more than her mouth, green and brown, narrowed slightly and dancing with light. Her hand stretched out, slowly, lazily, the bracelet on her wrist dipping so it grazed the side of his neck, and then her fingers touched his throat and the world seemed to explode into silence, blind to everything except her.

"So...what about you?" she asked him, the tips of her fingers lingering against the hollow between his neck and his jawline, the touch so light that the hammering of his pulse, running wild just beneath her nails, completely drowned it out.

He swallowed a little. "What?"

"Got any secrets?" she murmured, leaning in towards him so her breath washed over his face: warm and dry and sweet.

"I..." Where do I start..? Secrets he had, and would have happily laid them down in front of her, laid himself bare for her, all so he could stay like this, lying next to her in the dark, close but not too close with her fingers slowly tracing down the edge of his neck and shooting little, frantic bursts of energy through him; but his tongue kept twisting itself, the words bumping against each other, colliding and failing.

He could see the way she was smiling at him, mischief and laughter in her eyes: the way she'd smiled at him when he was winding up Ally, or when she'd crumpled the piece of paper with Jeremy's number on it. He didn't know if she was playing with him, genuine or teasing, and he didn't care because he couldn't think right now, completely lost.

Her fingers, steadily trailing towards his shoulders, brushed against the edge of the thin silver chain around his neck, and that snapped him out of it. He jerked back slightly.

"Wait," he said.

Her smile widened a little. "You never struck me as the necklace-wearing type."

He didn't like people knowing about his asthma, and he didn't like the idea of her finding out about it more. It was a weakness, one that had only held him back, made people feel sorry for him. She was stronger than him; cool and careless. He wanted her to think of him like that, not some vulnerable little kid.

"Can I see?"

All she had to do was ask. Maybe it was the fact that she had asked, when he was pretty sure she knew if she'd just taken it there was nothing he could have done to stop her. He slumped a little in defeat, and nodded, barely breathing as she fished the chain out and looped it over his head.

The necklace had a little stainless steel tag on the end of it, a small flat sheet of metal with LIAM FORRESTER and a couple of contact details engraved on it, and on the flipside, the medical symbol and ASTHMA written on in large letters.

"It's not that serious," he said quickly.

"You have asthma?" Liam listened hard to the tone of her voice, but couldn't detect any kind of disapproval in it, or pity, which would be worse.

"It's pretty much under control. As long as I don't panic I can deal with most of the little attacks without my inhaler these days."

"What about the big ones?"

"I haven't had a really serious one in a long time," Liam replied. He didn't remember a lot of it; just the overwhelming panic of not being able to breathe, or even inhale, and how surreal it was to see his mother cry. He blinked, hard, trying to distract himself.

Jen must have seen the expression on his face, because all of a sudden he felt a gentle pressure on the back of his hand and looked down to see her fingers slipping into his hand. Electric shivers ran up his arm, and he breathed in sharply, his head jerking up to meet her gaze.

"We'd better keep it that way, then?" she murmured, smiling. Liam felt his heart catch in his chest, a wistful ache tensing up inside of him. She looked so beautiful when she smiled like this, genuine and warm, and for a crazy, reckless second, he didn't care what she thought of him.

He just wanted to tell her.

"Jen," he said, his voice a little coarse. "I...I really–"

"Shh," she said quietly. "Don't ruin the moment."

He smiled. "Are we having a moment?"

"Shh," she said again."Just enjoy it." 

---

a/n: 

thanks for reading, as always! and sorry for taking so long (as always smh)

I;ve had like 99.9% of this chapter done for time now but i just got stuck on this one paragraph and i think i just deleted it in the end so it was all a hideous waste of time XD XD 

see you next time! Things start getting interesting in a few chapters ;)

disclaimer: that last part was totally not stolen from Scott Pilgrim (hangs head in shame)