my mean to health has been so bad lately?? i just feel so anxious and guilty and numb lately, my depression and anxiety are really hitting me hard

i haven't even been turning in assignments, i get too anxious about doing them and how much work i have that i get paralysed and end up not doing anything, which leads to more anxiety and more missing assignments. i thought maybe group projects would be better cause they typically trigger a response out of me out of anxiety of disappointing my classmates and making them get bad grades, but they've just been giving me the anxiety without the action and i end up letting everyone down.

i feel like i'm watching life pass by while i'm stuck in a block of ice and everyone is yelling at me or looking at me disappointedly because i need to be better, to work harder, to try harder, to stop being lazy, and i just can't do anything about it but take it. i don't even want to ask for help from my parents because i know the economic situation right now is really tough, my mum literally just told me she's worried we won't be able to handle this month's expenses, and some days back my dad complained about having to pay for my school when he's so overwhelmed after my sister being in a psychiatric hospital for some weeks when she was on the border of a crisis. i just feel so guilty knowing everyone is paying so much for me to exist and do nothing good with it. i've been having to constantly remind myself that eating less than usual won't do anything to help, but sometimes the thought is really hard to stave off.

I'd been running on the last dregs of fuel and then fumes for the last couple years, but i've officially run out, i can barely stand up from bed, let's not even talk about being productive. i feel my parents think that i can still push through if i try hard enough, "my sister did for all these years! she was in her 5th semester in an engineering degree when it finally became too much! why can't i even survive junior year?" well mum and dad, i'm not my sister, a high functioning neurodivergent mentally ill kid, i'm me, a low functioning mentally ill kid on my fucking limit. i feel physically ill at this point, i've been really dizzy and weak this past weeks, i feel like one day my body will just give out and i'll die from sheer exhaustion and anxiety

i just feel so bad all the time,, the other day i realised that the only thins that bring me joy anymore are books/shows/whatever piece of media i love and volleyball,, those are the only things that make me feel alive anymore and that's so sad?? i have so little things that keep me hanging in here, one of which makes me feel guilty cause i get distracted with it when i want to be productive, and the other i practice one hour on mondays (which btw gets cancelled a lot cause mondays are the days schools get off for long weekends most of the time). that's really fucking little and i don't know how much more they will be able to hold