A ginormous collection of words that I'm unsure what to call.

I felt tired the day our examinations ended, tired, both physically and mentally.

The fact that I hadn't studied much through the year and rushed everything in the end, troubled me in the way an ink pen dried from its dropped in a small pond of crystal clear water does.
Not exactly much different, but the fact that it still is there, a small insignificant change which would and should not have mattered at first but as time passes, that dried ink inside that pen dampens that ink, slowly diffusing into the crystal clear water of that pond, it causes a seemingly invisible change in its crystal clear water.

Oh, the water's still clear, but me being that pond, am aware that I'm stained with an invisible, and seemingly insignificant fear of the outcome, of what I have already done, something that I cannot change and yet I worry.

How I had wished and thrown countless tantrums in my mind, to get a holiday of at least a month with and to be left in tranquility with music, novels and lots of art supplies and with absolutely no pressure of studying, scoring well, or what is the most burdensome to me, completing my classwork and my homework, the moment I was told that our schools might start with half a month.

And when I finally got what I craved for, I am now reminded of a particular lyric of one of my favorite songs.
"Is this place I’ve reached truly the sea,
Or is it a blue desert?" - Kim Namjoon asks himself in a song called Sea (by BTS)

And I finally realized that what I had craved for was what I had thought to be the sea of tranquility, but in reality, was a desert full of loneliness.

I totally forgot the fact that my family is noisy and with my cousins over, I would not be able to get that "piece of peace" I had craved for, but I can't help it now, can I?

Even with people buzzing around me in my home, I feel alone with no one to share my thoughts with.

A diary, I had thought would help, but my indolence to write and the fear of it being read truly horrifies me.

I even thought of sharing my thoughts with a friend but I didn't want to appear burdensome. I'm usually the listener, not the "teller".
"The therapist" a friend had called me once. And since then, I've been greeting her with, "hi, your therapist here, how may I serve thy majesty?" almost every time we start a conversation.

It seems ironical that the person who usually asks others to express themselves, hesitates to express herself, but I guess the matters of the brain must not be assumed without prior confirmation, so instead, I read and do random-est (the correct word would be most random, but that won't exactly go with the way my thoughts are pouring out. So for now please bear with the word "random-est" that I've used) of the random craft activities trying to find something that might actually help me, and it doesn't completely help you get rid of the thoughts that trouble you, but yeah, it does help on not focusing on them and instead directs it towards whatever you're doing, works well with me. I'd recommend it to 9/10.

I realized I've totally deviated from the topic.
I am so sorry.

Learning at home is not something I'd ever want to experience again. It is absolutely disastrous and I am not enjoying even a single bit of it.
I have no one checking up on whether I've completed my work (and I haven't), there's no "compelling force" being applied, like deadlines or teachers asking for my books to be corrected, teachers pointing out, "Deepshikha!!!! Pay attention, will you?" Or the sarcastic comments like, "I guess that "sharp objects" (it's an absolutely amazing novel, 10/10 recommended) is included in the syllabus, read each page carefully, the maths classwork isn't important, is it?" are what had given me a slight nudge to at least listen if not write, but I am confessing, with nothing to actually make me do my study-work I have mountains of the syllabus to complete and tons to write.

"Procrastination is like a drug" you'd want to delay things until you can't and then you're actually done for. You just cannot procrastinate again unless stringent punishments and immediate perils haunt you as they haunt me.

(you might be able to smell procrastination reeking from the fact that I might be the last one to submit this assignment)

And even with my periodic test starting in like, fifteen days, I still don't feel that will to pick my books and study again. All I've been doing is downloading the video lectures, whereby the way not a single teacher shows their face.

I've been dying to see my teachers again. (I had called one of my teachers and burst into tears the moment I heard her speak. *ahem* I'm not emotional, I swear-)

Only if "Miss Rona" hadn't decided to plop herself comfortably on the 2019 farewell party, I believe I might have been studying way more than what I'm pathetically calling "studying" these past months.

I sincerely believe that this academic year should be canceled, and students in no way should be promoted to the next class with the 30% syllabus reduced. Do people even realize that we may not even be preferred for certain job positions because we may totally not have even slightest of the understanding of those canceled topics? And in case we do, those people behind that desk would assume we don't, why? Because it was not in our syllabus in the first place!!!
I usually prefer to end the massive articles and essays I write with a quote, rather than an abrupt awkward ending because I believe, "a subtle ending is better than just ending it with a "thank you I'm done, you might as well stop reading/listening."
But today I shall be ending this essay-like ginormous collection of words I have somehow managed to write with an adaption of a poem which would make some sense with the current situation, and which I had already written in May, which I had named
"Cloud/s"

"Like vapors of water,

My indolence gathers
(Side note, it's actually, "my feelings gather, but I changed it suit my requirements :))

Like a cloud being born,

Myriad emotions condense.

And like a white cloud,

I don't say anything out loud.

Like an evolving rain cloud,

I let them weigh me down.

Like a faint grey rain cloud,

My sentiments condense until they can't,

Until I've made my situations worse,

Already,

Almost beyond the scope of restoration

To its normalcy...

And so like a thunder cloud

I snap out loud

And like the rain from a dark grey cloud

My tears fall

Until there aren't any left

And then,

I let things happen naturally,

And they get better or worse on their own,

It's not as if I could do anything to influence the consequence...

And so I wait patiently like the ocean,

For my clouds to form again...

By: @The_Warrior_Girl