I must have fallen asleep at some point because I'm currently staring at my ceiling in my room. It was dark besides the little moonlight coming in from my window. I roll over to stare at the wall. I felt like a void once again. Then again my feelings have always felt like strangers. Sometimes they would visit but not let me know when. Just suddenly there and I knew nothing about them. Our conversations are confusing and misunderstood. As if we were speaking different languages.
       I'm drawn from my thoughts when I hear a knock at my door. I turn to see Shawn at the door with a plate in hand. I want to roll back over and ignore him but I decide against it. Instead I paint a smile on my face while sitting up in bed.
      "Oh hey! Sorry I didn't mean to fall asleep on ya." I scratch my neck embarrassed. He probably had to carry me to bed and clean up my mess. He stays silent and simply walks over and sits on the other end of the bed. I look down to see two slices of pizza and feel my stomach twist in hunger.
      "Is that for the both of us?" I ask and he simply nods. He's quiet. Too quiet. I hate it. I pretend not to notice and go in for a slice. 
      "You know it's crazy to think we'll be graduating soon." I try to sway the topic. "To think it'll be all over soon." He doesn't respond. Okay let's try a different route. 
      "You know I've been thinking about what I want to do. I'll probably go to the  community college in the area to stay with Sandra. I couldn't imagine leaving her by herself. Though, who knows maybe she'll want the place to herself." I say between bites and see he had also brought napkins so I grab one to clean my hands.
       "I was thinking of getting a summer job as well. First step of real independence y'know. I'll of course have to talk to Sandra and Mr. G about it first. All the legal paperwork and what not. By all technicality I'm still kinda 'property' of the government  now that I think about it. But I'm sure-."
       "Stop." He cuts me off and I internally frown. Can't he take the hint? 
       "Oliver, we have to talk about what happened." He begins and I grit my teeth together, my smile falling. 
        "You-. How do I say this? You scared me back there. I didn't know what happened. Everything was going great and I felt so bad. I shouldn't have fallen asleep. I just-".
       "Stop." Now it was my turn to cut him off. "Don't blame yourself, it was bound to happen. I just ran into a trigger is all. I just had to let it out. I'm better now." I lied. God I hate lying but the truth can be so damn difficult sometimes.
        "Are you though?" He immediately questions. I know he wants to talk about it. Like really talk about it. I lean back and sigh. With him there was no avoiding it. 
      "Shawn, I need you to understand I'll never truly be 'okay'. I struggle with this everyday so I have learned what to do, say, act. That being said, I'm doing a lot better than how I was. But sometimes I break. I feel it all come back at once and I lose all control. It's normal." 
      "None of this is normal." I chuckle in response. He was right.
       "Yeah not everyday does a psycho man with his followers break into your home and kill off your family." I joke but I know he doesn't find it funny. The air was so tense. 
       "Sorry. Too heavy, I know. It's just, this is my normal. This is all I know. I don't know how else to live so I gotta take what I have. I'm sorry you had to see that again." Granted the first time wasn't as bad but then again it wasn't today. 
      We sit in silence for a moment, both taking it in. I can tell he isn't sure what to say. People never know how to react or respond. I don't blame them though.
      "Did you want to know?" I ask. He looks up confused and I resist the urge to roll my eyes. I just wanted today to end.
      "Do you want to know what happened that day?" I explain and he looks unsure on how to answer. "It's okay if you did. I'll tell you but this might be the only chance you get."
      "Are you sure you're comfortable opening up? Like you will be okay?" He cares, I know he does. I do really appreciate him even if he can be persistent as hell. 
      "I'm kinda numb at the moment so I should be good." I see him tense up. "It's okay, it's normal for me to tap out after stuff like this happens." I reassure him while I turn so I'm now sitting against the wall. 
     "It was just like any other night. I went to school, came home and played with my sister. She would tease me, I'd tease back. Mum would get onto us about homework and cleaning up after ourselves. Dad would get home and we'd have dinner. Maybe watch a film or play a game together and go to bed. Just the normal routine y'know." Shawn shifts around as he listens, eyes focused on me while mine are focused on the wall.
       "We played mandala that night. It was my favorite, I always wanted to play it." I smiled to myself at the memory. "I loved it so much I'd stay up playing it by myself until my parents caught me and would tell me to go to sleep." I frown at the next memories.
       "But that night no one came. I remember waking up and not being able to sleep so I wanted to play. I remember hearing sounds from the living room so I thought my sister was up. I went to see if she wanted to play it with me." I pause to think about how I would go about the details of the following events while I fidgeted with my fingers. "I brought the game with me but I didn't find my sister. That man was there." Out of the corner of my eye I see Shawn clench his fist. He knew the worst was coming.
       "I knew him so I happily ran him." Shawn shot me a confused look but I ignored him and continued. "He worked with my dad, so I saw him a few times. He always gave me gifts when I saw him. Nothing much, just small toys but they were gifts nonetheless and I thought he'd have another toy for me. I was dead wrong." I bring my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around myself.
       "He picked me up and said he had a surprise for me. He went on and on how I was special and there was a place waiting for me. I, being naive, was excited about having a surprise. He told me I would have to go alone and asked me if that was okay. Not knowing what he ment, I answered yes." I continued to fidget with my hands to try and relax. "He then brought me to the living room where he had my family tied down to chairs. I was confused but he told me it was part of the surprise, that it was like a game." I opted to quit staring at the wall and redirected my eyes to the floor.
       "My parents and sister looked so scared. They tried to scream but it was muffled by the tape on their lips. He told me they were just playing their role and then I would be able to get my surprise. And that's when it happened. They all came in and killed them at once." I frown remembering the details. They had slit their throats open, there was so much blood. I started sobbing and screaming as he held me to his chest, as if he were just holding a kid throwing a temper tantrum. He acted as if he didn't just have my family killed in front of me. 
      "So the police found you that night?" Shawn questioned and I shook my head.
     "It took them a month to find me." I answered. 
     "A month?!" He was understandably shocked. 
     "Yeah, they all had it planned out and even had a place where they would keep me. It wasn't too bad there though. They fed me, clothed me etc. It was still terrifying but it could have been worse." I spoke honestly. 
       "What, how did you manage?" I could tell he was unsure if it was okay to ask but I didn't mind. 
      "To be honest, I went crazy." And he gave me a puzzled look. "I made an imaginary friend who'd I play with. He just appeared in the room I was kept in one night but was never there when the adults were there." I remembered waking up in the corner of the room and seeing him sitting next to the bed. I was terrified but I had been exhausted from everything as well. He had black hair and green eyes and called himself 'Engel' . It was German for angel so it was fitting I'd make up that name. 
       "He was weird but always played mandala with me. Though I was just playing it by myself with all technicality" I then touched my lip as I remembered how he got me to stop crying the first time I saw him and blushed. I had a weird imagination as a kid. 
      "How are you sure you made him up?" Shawn questioned. 
       "Because they never found him. There were no records of his followers or family having a boy. There was a girl though. She had been around my age and was his niece but apparently his sister wasn't aware of what he had done." We sat in silence for a moment as he registered everything I said. It was a lot to take in, to be fair.
       "Why?" He finally broke the silence. That was the question wasn't it? Why did this mad man choose me and kill my family?
      "He won't tell." I let the words leave my lips. "Well, he won't tell anyone except me." This of course confused Shawn so I explained.
       "They had enough evidence to convict him and the other followers they found but he never gave his reason and they were just as silent. He said he would only tell me. He asks every year to see me and tell me but I refuse to give him the satisfaction of seeing me. Plus I'm under witness protection so I'm not allowed to see him either. According to the papers that were printed the week I was found, I was dead."
        "But why? They caught him right?" And I nodded while stretching. 
       "They caught him but he had many followers who worshiped the land he walked on. We still aren't sure how many are out there so I have to remain hidden for my own safety and of those around me. Especially since he is aware that I'm still alive." 
       I suddenly feel arms wrap around me as Shawn pulls me towards him. 
      "I'm so sorry that you have to carry all this but I'm also glad that you are alive. No matter what, I'm here for you." I felt a spark of emotion in my chest and smiled while I whispered a small and simple thanks. He truly was my best friend and I don't know where I'd be without him. 
       "OLIVER!" I heard Sandra yell for me and I broke from the hug to go see what she needed telling Shawn I'd be right back.
      Walking around the corner I already heard his voice before I even had to ask.
       "Hey Mr. G." I smiled while I gave him a hug. Mr. G always came to check up on me every year. I'm not sure if he is supposed to but I appreciate it.
       "How are you hanging in there kid? You've grown since the last time I saw you." He says and he ruffles my hair.
       "I've been good, just finishing up high school and then figuring out the next steps I guess."
      "Oh that's right, you're graduating already. My son is also about to graduate. You kids are growing up on me, I swear." He would occasionally speak of his son but never much. Though we were close there was still a professional boundary that wasn't crossed.  "And the next steps huh?" 
      "Yeah, I was thinking maybe I could get a summer job?" I suggested. I knew there were going to be limits in my life but I never truly knew what they were but I wanted to try and live my life as normal as I could.
      "A job I see. What's your thoughts on it, Sandra?" And I look to see Sandra in thought. 
     "Well, I'd be nervous of course but I think it would be best for him. He can't hide away forever." And I smiled, I appreciated that. I know it would be scary but I think I was ready. 
      "I mean you said you haven't seen any activity recently?" I brought up. They've been monitoring the few people they did know about it and since I've moved here, nothing has happened. If anything did, I would have had to move again. 
      "True. I mean if you think you are ready to put yourself out there then I say go for it. Just remember to be careful as well. You remember the rules." Ah yes the rules I just broke five minutes ago.
      "Of course." I smiled. I knew them I just slipped a little. But who would blame me? 
      "Well I just wanted to pop in for a second and check up on you, I'll look into getting you started on the next step." And I smiled, I was excited to truly move forward in my life. I gave him a final hug and went to leave but paused.
       "Did he ask again?" I knew what my answer was but I still was curious.
       "Yes. But you already know what we told him." I simply nodded and headed towards my room. I needed to get some sleep along with Shawn, we still had school tomorrow. 
       I fell asleep that night to the questions of if I'll ever get to be myself ever again. Or will I have to hide forever?