TRIGGER WARNINGS : suicide, DEATH, aNgsT aNd sAdNeSs

Yea this chapter triggered me just by writing it, so, imma just, *opens pill bottle* because this chapter hits way to close to home for me

Wylan POV
I stared numbly at the door in front of me.  I bounced another ball of lightening at it.  I would've leaned against the wall if not for the damned key sticking out of my back.

Another tear rolled down my cheek at that thought.  God I'm so pathetic.  Crying over my key...again.

I flexed my metal hand, grimacing as it squeaked.  I hate myself.  A shit ton. 

All I've done since getting here is fuck up everything.  It's like I'm physical incapable of doing anything right.

I've only managed to hurt Draven by falling for him.  He's probably right that I'm just using him so I can finally belong to someone else.  He won't talk to me since we got back after the incident at the theater. 

I had the chance to fix everything.  To kill Izzy and finally end all this and save Thomas.  But I didn't do it.  I couldn't kill him no matter how much I wanted too.  I just can't let go of who he used to be. 

It hurts.  My mechanical heart hurts when I think about that.  Thinking about how Izzy used to be compared to how he acts now.  All I've done is ruin everything. 

Maybe if I die I'll finally do some good.

Roman, Remus and Deceit made a big mistake bringing me here.  And not because it made Izzy angrier, but because I'm bad luck.

All I do is hurt people.  I can't control my emotions so I always end up forcing all my problems onto someone else and burying them.

Everyone leaves eventually.  Izzy was the only one that stuck around.  But then even he changed and stopped waking me up less and less.   Draven used to, but now he avoids me too.

I hurt him.  I hurt him so much.  All I did was drive him away.  I just thought he actually cared for me.

But I was wrong.  Izzy was right.  No one but him can love a fucked up metal freak like me.

My eyes focused back on the door in front of me.  I can't die.  Yeah, you could slit my neck and I'll be in a lot of pain, but it won't kill me.

But the one loophole I found was through the door.  Just within ten feet from me.  All I have to do is stand up, open the door, and fall.

It'll be painful.  Izzy will probably realize I'm there and try to save me.  But it'll end within minutes, if that. 

Oh how I want to just end all this.  End all this misery and pain.  Just by living, I'm hurting them all another day.

I'm so tired.  I can't go on any longer.  I just want to fall asleep and never wake up.  Maybe I could just disappear into the subconscious and never wake up again.  I doubt anyone would come looking for me. 

I stood up slowly and made my way to the door.  I rested my metal hand on the door knob.  I second guessed myself but looking at my metal hand convinced me.

A new Sadness will form.  A more stable, whole, one.  A better one.  One who won't fuck everything up.

I pushed open the door and looked over the ledge into the Pit of Forgotten Memories.  The strange water swirled around in the bottom, the strong energy coming off the walls already getting to me.

They increased my thoughts.  Amplified them until they were the only things I could hear. I shuddered at just the amount of energy radiating off these walls.

I sat down on the ledge, setting my legs over the edge. I looked down at the water, slightly swinging my legs.

I grabbed the locket hanging from my neck. I ran my human hand over the cold silver chain and worn silver heart.

I flipped it open and looked down at the picture.  It was of Izzy and I.  Back when we first started dating.  When I was still human and Izzy was still...well sane. 

Sighing, I ran my fingers gently over the worn photo. I shut it and let it fall back against my chest.

I still continued to fiddle with the locket with my human hand. Just gently running my hands over the cold metal. For no reason, I started singing.

"I wanna be like you, I wanna say that I can
I wanna be the person that you think that I am
But even if I had it all come true like a dream
Is the person I came to be the really real me?

"So young and simple, wishing like things would come true
Now as I am, I understand it's best I die and soon,

"Just by living I'm hurting them another day
Hundreds cry, all I do is ruin everything
Nobody wanted me, no one there to need
If only I could live in that kind of world I dreamed,

"Just by leaving I'm helping them another day
Hundreds smile, all they do is laugh at everything
Nobody there to scream, no more being mean but see
Things like that would never happen for me,

"Day after day I found my way, sleepwalking through
Like this I'll fade without a trace, it's for the best I do,

"Just by living I'm nothing for another day
Hundred lives, never knowing me or anything
Nobody wanted me, no one there to need
Why would I wanna live in the kind of world I see?

"Just by leaving I'm no one for another day
Hundred lives, never changing them or anything
Nobody there to scream, no more being mean to me
Then could I have it all back in one piece?

"In the end, we'll fall to the ground again
Over and over and never get up
In the end, the person they made in me
Breaking and breaking and never pick up
In the end, we're leaving it all again
Over and over and never wake up,

"Just by living I'm bringing you another day
Why, just for me, can you smile after everything?

"In the end, the smile you give to me
Right when I wanted to give it all up
And I really do wish that I didn't
And all of the moments I tried
Just to die said goodbye,

"Just by leaving I'm no one for another day
Hundred lives, never changing them or anything
Somebody here to scream, someone here is stopping me
Why can't I laugh it off the way that I'd dreamed?"

I love Self Inflicted Achromatic. It's a nice, sad, good song. Ironic that Sadness is so obsessed with sad songs.

But this song just perfectly describes how I feel. I'm so many different ways.

I stared blankly at the water. It was practically calling my name. Begging me to jump in. And I wanted to more than anything.

I'll stop hurting everybody. Draven will be free of me, I'll stop annoying him. Izzy will be free of me.

I'll finally stop being a burden on everyone. I'll finally be free.

I jolted a bit, a wave of weakness rolling through my body. I looked down at my heart to see I only had five minutes left. I let out a happy sigh. That's how I'll go, so it won't be painful. I'll let my body decide.

I'll let myself fall asleep. Then I'll go rag doll and limp. Whichever way I fall will be the way I'm supposed to go.

If I fall backwards, well I'm guess I'm living. And I feel bad for the person that finds me asleep in here.

Or I'll forward and into the Pit.  Where I'll finally die.  Finally be free. 

Another loud click from my heart echoed throughout the tunnel.  I smiled softly.  I'll disappear without a trace.  No one will have to deal with me anymore.

I've never truly been suicidal before. Yes I'm severely depressed, but I'm Sadness. That's kind of expected of me. But I haven't felt this excited to die before. I've never even self harmed before.

My metal limbs gave out on me, both arms flopping to my sides as the gears in my shoulders stopped working.  My leg dangled uselessly now. 

I edged closer to the ledge as best I could before the rest of my body gave out.  My key finally came to a grinding halt and I shut my eyes. 

I started leaning forwards.