Falling...

Falling...

Falling.

I woke with a start, my heart hammering in my chest. Light, sharp and headache inducing blinded my vision, making me blink to associate myself with it once more. Head screaming in pain, I sat up. A swath of blankets clung close to my body, and I wasn't sure I had the strength to push them away, despite the sweat pooling down my skin.

Once the light had dulled down a little bit, I glanced around the room, trying to orient myself. This was my bedroom, but how did I get here? The last thing I remembered was...

Oh.

All at once, the memories hit me like a tidal wave, only worsening the pounding in my head. I struggled to sift through them, trying to pick out what was real versus what had always been a trick. I closed my eyes, blinking away tears before they came, and pulled myself out of bed. I almost fell.

Stars above, it hurt just to stand.

Glancing around the room, I tried not to let the fact that nobody was here to greet me get to me too much. It didn't matter. I was fine. I'm always fine. I don't need help.

I righted myself and found my balance, then found enough courage to bring myself over to the mirror. The person who who waited for me was nothing short of a monster, with his deep, sunken eyes, and his bruised face. The patch of scales slipping up his neck, the horns curling in front of his head, the two demonic wings with the flashes of lightning spiraling out behind his back. It wasn't me, but at the same time, it was every bit apart of who I was. I flexed my wings twice, sighed, then turned away.

My magenta overcoat lay abandoned on the chair to my desk, thrown haphazardly. I stared at it for a moment, the signature mark of who I was. My hands reached for the cloth without me telling them too, and before I knew it, the coat was nothing more than a pile of ash at my feet.

The hall was silent. I mean, it usually was, but there was something far more somber with the orange light of the setting sun filtering through the windows. Almost like I was walking straight to an execution.

Who knows? I might still be.

I listened, but even with the extra auditory powers, I still hear nothing. Well, nothing besides the muffled sobs coming from one of the rooms down the hall. I didn't have to look to know who it was, and my feet carried me to the room just as they had done thousands of times before, thousands of years ago. I stopped outside the door, listening, holding my breath. It tugged at my heart, not able to go in and help him when he needed me the most. A sigh escaped my lips, and I didn't allow myself any more seconds of hesitation before bringing my fist to the oak door and knocking twice.

The crying trailed off, and I bit down on my tongue. Finally, a soft, "Go away," sounded from inside.

I paused for a moment, my mouth half-open. What if he didn't want to see me? What if he hated me now as much as I hated myself? "Are you sure?" I finally said, knowing that it fell short of everything I wanted to say to him but couldn't find the courage to.

Another silence swept over the room. The door was wrenched open carelessly, and Philip stared up at me. I blinked down, searching for a smile, before he shot forward and wrapped his arms around me.

My breath hitched in my throat. "Hey, Pip," I said softly, running a hand through the mess of curls. "It's alright. Everything's alright."

"You're okay," he managed to choke out between sobs, gripping me tighter.

I picked him up and carried him to the bed, just like I had done thousands of times before. He buried his head in the crook of my neck. "I missed you so much and I thought you were gone forever and I hate you but I'm so glad you're okay and pleasedon'teverleaveusagain."

I forced a laugh that sounded far too flat as I set him down. "Hey, Pip, it's alright. Everything's alright," I said, and when I sat down, he once again wrapped his arms around me. I shifted, so his head was resting against my chest. I rubbed his back gently, unsure of what I was supposed to say.

"I'm so sorry," he mumbled.

"You're sorry? Philip, you have nothing to apologize for. I'm the one who should be sorry." Tears stung my eyes, but I blinked them away once more. "Are you doing okay?"

Philip let out a soft snort. "Yeah. I'm great. I just found out that the two people I've hated my entire life are actually some of the people I'm closest with." He sighed, pulling away from me. I wiped away his tears, and though he laughed, it sounded sad and missing something. "Sorry."

"Please don't apologize."

He nodded, lowering his head. "I missed you."

I smiled, setting my hand on his shoulder. "I missed you too." Then, I frowned. "You've been practicing, right?"

"Practicing?"

"Piano."

"Thomas, you died."

"And that's not an excuse for not practicing." I stood up, grabbing his hand and dragging him to his feet. "C'mon, we better get you playing something before you forget all of it."

This time, when Philip laughed, as short and small as it was, I knew it was completely genuine.

Nothing was out of place in the castle. It was just the way I remembered it being: clean, filled with decoration and things to liven even the most boring of spaces, and it even had that same, sweet floral scent that I had forgotten lingered down the hallways. There was nothing missing, nothing where it didn't belong. But at the same time, everything had changed. The high ceilings and long hallways haunted me just as they did the first time I had stepped foot into the castle.

"Thomas?" Philip asked softly.

"Sorry," I said, hand poised just over the bluebird perched in the painted tree. I guess I hadn't realized that I had hesitated. My finger brushed the brittle canvas, and part of the wall fell away, just as it had always done before. I had walked this path thousands of times. What was so different now?

I pushed down my insignificant worry and pulled him through. The darkness pressed close to me, and though I could see straight through it, that knot of fear in my stomach was far too familiar for my liking.

The grand piano sat in the middle of the room, but it hadn't gathered as much dust as I was expecting. I sat down at the bench, throat tightening. Did I even remember how to play, or was it something else that I had lost?

Philip sat down next to me, leaning his head against my arm. A smile fought its way up to my lips. "Do you want me to play first?" I asked, looking down at him. He shrugged, gazing at my hands, and I rolled my eyes and began to play.

An extraordinary wave of calm washed over me the second my fingers touched the keys. The music just... seemed to flow from me, with no explanation, no source. And for the first time in months, I could finally breathe again. One of the things I needed most had been stripped right from my hands, held just out of reach, and I had finally found enough strength to get it back. The fear and the anger and the horror at what I had done all melted away as the notes drifted through the air. Everything felt a little bit... lighter.

Philip let out a small breath of air, righting himself and swatting my hands from the ivory keys. "Okay, great," he said, and I stopped playing. "My turn."

"You interrupted me," I said, but to be honest, I didn't care at all.

"Yes. I did. My turn. I want to show you what I've been working on."

"You said you haven't been practicing!"

"I haven't," Philip said, pushing me aside. He started playing, and I couldn't fight back my smile. Such a simple song, but it was a thousand times better than listening to the King's persuasion echoing through my head all the time. I rubbed Philip's back as he played, gently correcting him when he messed up the notes.

I don't deserve this.

I don't know what prompted me to look up, but as I was helping him correct one of the few mistakes he made, I glanced up at the doorway. All the breath left my body at once, the song ending abruptly.

"Alex," I whispered, rising to my feet.

He stared at me, as though he was staring at a ghost. I stepped away from him, swallowing hard.

"I-I'm sorry," I said, not really aware of what I was saying or why I was saying it. All I could focus on was him. "I didn't—I shouldn't have—I'm t-terrible—it wasn't supposed to go like this."

Alexander crumpled.

I shot forward, catching him before he fell, and he wrapped his arms around the back of my neck and buried his face in my shoulder. His body didn't shake, and he wasn't crying, but his hold was tight enough to where I could tell it wouldn't take much to set him off.

"You're here," he whispered.

"Of course I'm here," I returned, just as out of breath as he was. "Where else would I be?"

He pulled away from me, cupping my face with his hands. A smile touched his lips, and stars did it feel good to see him smile again. He brought his mouth to mine, and no part of me wanted nothing less or anything more. He is my everything.

"I love you Alexander," I whispered, and his grip faltered. He blinked up at me, but before I could hesitate, I pushed myself onwards. If I stopped for even a moment, I was worried I'd forget. "You told me that you loved me earlier, and I'm not sure if you meant it or if you only said it to get me to change back or whatever, but I know that I mean it when I say I love you."

My words came out a rush, a mess, and I couldn't meet his gaze. "You are the best thing the universe has ever given me, and I—"

I paused, gathering myself, trying not to cry. "I hate myself for every second of pain I put you through. Every moment of fear and anger and hurt that I made you feel. You were happy with her, and I took her from you, and, and—"

"Hey," Alexander said, softly. His fingers caressed my cheek, and somehow, I mustered up the courage to meet his gaze. I didn't deserve to. That smile shouldn't have been meant for me, especially after all I've done and all I've said. But, nevertheless, he kissed me again, and everything else in the world seemed to disappear, until it was just me and my Alexander.

He pulled away a lifetime too soon. A frown lined his face. "W-what?" I asked.

"Your hair's a mess," he said. His eyes skimmed the room until he found Philip, and he softened. "Hi."

"Hi."

"Do you want to talk?"

"I'm not going to call you dad or anything, because that's weird. But... I don't know. I guess I've always kinda known."

Before I could join in, I was thrown to the ground. A yelp of surprise died on my lips when I saw who it was. "Hey."

"You're okay," James said, and it wasn't difficult to tell he struggled to get the words out.

"Oh, come on, James. You know I can't handle it when you cry." I sat up, holding him. I glanced up at the door where they were all waiting, smiled, and I was immediately bombarded by a litany of hugs from the people who should have hated me more than they hated anything. It wasn't...well, it wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world, but I guess I didn't really care that much, especially not in the moment.

I've never really been good with dealing with feelings before. And I guess nothing's really changed in that aspect.

"Okay, hey," I said. "You guys are kinda making it impossible to breathe. Lafayette, are you crying?"

"No!" he exclaimed profusely, turning away so I wouldn't see the light that glinted on his tears.

Once James had let go of me, the last one to do so, Peggy cleared her throat, arms crossed. "So," she said. "You're a god now. How does it feel?"

"I'm sorry, I'm a what?"

She shook her head. "I'll tell you more tomorrow."

"Oh. About that, actually. I'm leaving tonight."

A second or two of silence echoed my words. "Leaving?" Aaron asked quietly. "Leaving where?"

"Back to the King? Where else?"

Protests rose up at that statement, each one louder than the other. I waited for them to die away before I continued. "This is the best position we've been in in years. King George actually trusts me. Do you know the kind of things we could accomplish with this?"

"It doesn't matter. You're not going," Alexander said, shaking his head profusely.

"Lex—"

"No, I'm serious! I'm not letting you go. I can't let you leave me again. Do you know how terrible that was, by the way? To have to spend every moment knowing I was never going to see you again? To watch as the life left your eyes? Yeah, it's not happening."

"Alexander, this could be our only chance to win."

"Fuck that! What if something terrible happens to you again, huh? Then what?"

I opened my mouth to speak, but Washington beat me to it. "We will discuss this more in the morning." He paused, looking at me for a moment longer than what was comfortable. "I got your letter, you know."

"Oh, fuck."

"Did you really mean it?"

"I-well, okay here's the thing. I was not in a good place emotionally, and—yeah, okay. I did. Happy?"

To my surprise, Washington smiled. "Yes. Very much so."

I nodded, rising to my feet and crossing my arms. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. No apology, no explanation, no anything. Frustration pulled at every bone in my body. They should be furious. They should hate me for what I've done. They should want me as far away from them as possible. So why don't they?

"Thomas," Aaron asked after a moment, and judging by his tone, I could tell he was going to ask the hard question. The one everyone wanted to ask but couldn't fine the bravery to. "What happened in there?"

"Umm... it might be easier to show you all. That is, if that's something you want to see." I glanced behind me, looking for Philip, who still sat at the piano, and Alexander, who was sitting right next to him. I took a few steps away, so my back was pressing against the wall, and let out a sigh before releasing the memories I myself didn't want to relive.

It was strange, watching it all again, but from an outsider perspective. Watching my death once more as I fell from the cliff's precipice. Watching my eyes open to greet that strange, bright world where pain and fear were nothing and peace overrides every instinct. Watching that familiar face comfort me, be the only person to reassure me and tell me everything was alright, that it was a part of life, and that eventually, I'll have gotten over it.

I heard Philip gasp when he spoke, I saw Lafayette and Hercules stiffen, and I saw Washington turn away.

Death didn't change John Laurens all that much in appearance, but attitude was a completely different story.

And then, I watched as I was ripped away from that world, brought back to one of anger and regret. I forced myself to sit through the confusion, even as my fingers twitched as though the pain was rising back to the surface again, eager not to be outdone. I lived through the days of being told what to think, lies being funneled straight into my mind.

And I got to watch myself kill her all over again.

By then, I had had enough. I ended the presentation of quite possibly the worst months of my life and forced an uneasy smile. "So. I guess the moral of the story is I survived, bitches."

I was going for humor, but there was none to be found in the still, oppressive silence. I swallowed down the words of frustration that had risen up to my mouth and turned away. "I'm sorry. It doesn't fix anything. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't do anything. But I'm sorry."

It was a long while before anybody spoke. "Can I have some time with Thomas alone?" Alexander asked, his voice carrying in the small chamber. "We can talk more about this all in the morning. But I think for now," he said, squeezing my hand and glancing over at me. Stars, I forgot how pretty his eyes were when they glinted with a soft, yellow light. "I think for now I just want some time with him."

Washington smiled softly. "Of course. We'll see you in the morning, Thomas." It was just as much a command as it was anything else. James and Aaron lingered a second longer than everyone else, touching my sides gently, and Philip attacked me with one last hug before we were alone.

Alex looked up at me, and I didn't trust myself to speak without falling apart in front of him. "I survived, bitches?" he repeated, cocking his head in that impossibly teasing way of his.

"Oh shut up."

"You know I'm going to say that all the time now."

"What? I sur—"

"No." He paused, taking my hand in his, and before I could speak, I was staring at the vast expanse of sky that could only be seen staring out of the library's open wall. Seated on the couch, he leaned his head against my shoulder, his eyes gleaming in the starlight. "I love you."

A breath caught in my throat, and I couldn't help but laugh as I shifted to pull him against my chest. "I suppose if that's how it has to be, then I will accept my fate gracefully."

"You're so dramatic."

"Oh, whatever."

A frown creased Alexander's mouth. "Please never do that to me again. Run off without help. Thomas, I—" He paused, shuddering. "I thought I lost you."

"Lexi," I said softly, brushing the hair from his face.

"I thought I was never going to see you again. I... I was so angry and upset and I—I—" And without any more warning, he began to cry. I held him closer, rubbing his back, and set my chin on top of his head. He tightened his grip on me, no doubt afraid to let go.

"It's okay," I murmured, pulling him as close as I could and placing a soft kiss to his forehead. "I'm here."

~•~

I hated doing it. I hated shifting the sleeping Alexander off of me. I hated slipping away, making my footsteps as soft as possible. I hated closing the door as softly as I could, knowing full well that everything I was doing betrayed the man I loved the most in the world.

Darkness totally consumed the sitting room where I found my scythe, sitting on the table. I stared at the curved blade for a moment longer than I would have liked before belting it to my back and making for the entrance.

"Where are you going?"

I froze, heart leaping up into my chest.

"I—" I started.

"You're leaving?"

I turned, forcing myself to meet Washington's gaze. "I am."

He sighed. "I figured you would." Washington crossed over to me, closing the space between us. I swallowed, taking a step backwards.

"If you're trying to stop me, I'll just keep finding ways to leave. Angelica's still out there. I have to save her. And even so, isn't this the best—"

"I'm not trying to stop you, Thomas."

"You-you're not?"

He shook his head grimly. "I don't think I can. Just be careful, okay? I'll tell everyone else for you." It didn't escape my notice what he left unsaid.

I nodded, shifting a little. "I understand. I won't let you down."

He paused for a moment, smile growing. "I know. You never do."

Without being fully aware of what I was doing, I rushed forwards and wrapped my arms around him, even for just a moment.

"Good luck, Thomas. And if you get discovered, you have to leave."

I nodded. "Thank you."

I shot off into the night, leaving the only place of warmth far, far behind me.