21

After school the following day, I went to the hospital to talk to Ashton, even though all the signs were pointing for me to just go home and forget it all. I saw about five items that had the word 'home' on it... and one of them was a bread truck. My point is, food is at home and I'd be so much more comfortable sitting in my house eating bread. But there's just something else driving me to go to Ashton today. I really hope the universe has something good planned for me when I get there. 

I ditch my volunteer-y services, and went straight to his room. I took in a breath before I was even close to his room. I'm actually very nervous right now. I mean, I get it was just one kiss, but I can't help but put pressure on the subject. He could probably hate me for suggesting the kiss. Or maybe he'll just hate me because I kissed him. Maybe instead of realizing he's gay, he'll realize he's homophobic.

God, I'm going to die.

I reach his room finally and I looked in through the glass in the door. I don't usually do this, because I'm awesome and I just waltz right in. However, as I looked in around the room, I didn't see his pale, semi-built frame anywhere in the room, through the glass. So, I opened the door quickly and went into the room. Just as suspected, it was empty, and I began to panic. 

I put my hands up to cover my face and I let out a breath. I'm praying I'm just overthinking like I always do and he was just situated to a different room. I didn't waste anymore time in that empty room and went back to a random nurse. At first she smiled at me, but when she actually took in my features she began to look a bit worried. 

"What's wrong, Ethan?" she asked.

"Yeah, uh w-what happened.. uh w-where is Ashton?" I swallowed a gulp in my throat then impatiently began to tap my foot. She blinked back to the room I just came out of then back to me, she said, "Uh I think Ashton Jonston went into surgery this morning."

"Surgery? What happened?"

"Ethan, he has Cancer," she says as if I didn't know that. I rolled my eyes, becoming a bit agitated with this conversation. "Where is he?" I rush out.

"No, honey, you can't see him. He'll be back here when he's out," she says.

"Can you just tell me where he is?" I ask through gritted teeth.

She shook her head, "No, I'm sorry."

I groaned, "I'm not going into the fucking room, I just want to-" I was interrupted my mom entering the conversation. She went to the nurse's side and asked me, "What's this about?"

"He wants to go-"

"Mom, I just want to know where he is, okay. That's all. She's making a big deal of absolutely nothing. Do you know where he is?" I asked my mother. Her eyes saddened as she stared at me, and I hated that. I hate people looking at me that way. I'm not like this. I probably look horrible and drained... because that's exactly how I feel. 

"Honey, I'm sorry, but I don't-"

"Wow, thanks so much mom," I rolled my eyes and turned around from them. I walked back to the elevator, quickly tapping the knobs when I entered. The empty lift went down slowly and I followed suit against the wall. I pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged them, then rest my head on my arms. I don't know why a tear decided to roll down my already reddened cheeks, but I couldn't stop the rest after that one. Maybe it's just the thought that there's a possibility he doesn't survive surgery and I didn't even end it on a good note with him. He's probably going in there hating me and I can't do anything about it.

I rose my head and ran my fingers through my hair. Even if I try to find the room he went into, I'll  never actually find it. There are so many god-damn surgery rooms in this place - it's like a maze. Ashton could be anywhere in the stupid ass building. It's depressing really.

The ding of the elevator's bell, indicating it had stopped, made me stand up and wait for the doors to open. I bite my bottom lip softly, thinking it makes no sense to leave. I came to see him. I mean, what sense is it to leave now? I mean, of course there's the probability that I might not see him... alive, but I'll get to see him nonetheless, right?

But can I even handle that? Seeing him, however he would be. What would/could I possibly say to him. I've made things such a mess. If something happens to him during surgery it would be my fault. His body must be filled with so much hate for me it sent away all the positive thoughts of him ever surviving Cancer. 

Maybe I should leave. 

He doesn't want to see me.

I clicked the button to open the doors yet again so I can leave. Just as I did that, my phone began to ring. When I checked it, I realized it was my mom. I don't ever ignore he calls, I always worry something bad could be happening. When I answered, she said, "Ethan, sweetie, are you still at the hospital?"

"Yeah, what's up?"

"Can you come up to meet me?" she says. She doesn't sound sad or worried, so I'm guessing she just wants to talk to me. I obeyed what she said and went back up to meet her. My mother led me to the desk where she usually is, except there was no one here besides us. Of course there were people walking up and down in the halls, but they paid no mind to my mother and I.

"You have feelings for him, don't you?" she asked.

"Mom, I'm in no mood to discuss this," I instantly tell her.

"I don't care. You barely tell me anything, and I can see your hurting right now."

I sigh softly as I ran my fingers through my hair. I lean against a nearby wall, keeping my eyes downwards. "Okay, yeah, I like him, a lot. And I sort of kissed him last night and I don't really think he liked it and he probably hates me right now. And I can't really do anything about it now... but I really just don't want him to hate me. I mean, it was a harmless kiss. I wish he would just be gay so this would be easier."

"Life isn't easy, honey, and it will never be. And I'm sure he doesn't hate you and you're just overthinking."

"Please stop telling me that. I'm not overthinking anything. He'll hate me. I kissed him. But like he seemed to like it, so... I don't know," I continued to rant to her, and actually feeling better.

"Exactly, you don't know. Look, he could either hate you or not, but running off won't determine that, now would it. Stay for a while, wait for him."

I sigh and run my fingers through my hair. I opened my mouth to say something, but then she interrupted, "Wait, he's a patient; why am I helping you get a patient?"

"Because you are single-handedly the best mother anyone could ask for," I honestly tell her. She sighed softly, "And you're the best son a mother could want, okay. So, go wipe your tears and have a little patience. He'll make it."

"Are you sure?" I raise an eyebrow at her, although she can't really tell that. No one could know what could possibly happen in the surgery room - and that kills me. I'm not ready to lose him.

"I promise you that," she nods her head, before pulling me in for a hug. I kissed her shoulder and let out a soft sigh of relief. It feels good to actually tell her what's going on in my mind. I needed to let it out. I actually don't feel as depressed any longer.

~*~*~