Of course this isn't happening. He had a lot of nightmares before and this is one of them.

But none of the nightmares ever felt this real before.

He wonders if he is in the state of Lucid Dreaming since he is aware that he is in a dream. He could smell the death in the air and feel the stillness around him. There is something surreal about it.

It isn't until his sees the body that it comes to him that it isn't a dream.

Because in his dreams James always died a bloody but heroic death with his wand in his hand and a triumph expression on his face.

This James is wandless and he had a determined expression on his face.

He stops at the door; staring and studying the body- his best friend- lying on the floor with his arms spread eagle shaped. Sirius enters the house quietly before dropping to the floor beside his best friend's body.

An inhumane sound erupts from his throat. It is more like the sound Padfoot would emit than any human.

He could hear wailing from the stairs above but he could not, he just couldn't bear to leave behind James just yet. He registers somewhere in his shattered mind and broken heart that this may just be the last time he would get to see the man he loved the most in this world.

But the wailing manages to pierce through his grief and he stumbles upstairs without a backward glance at the body of his best friend.

(Because Merlin knew, that wouldn't be able to stop himself from breaking down if he looked at him once again)

He feels a crippling sense of helplessness when he sees Lily lying on the ground with her brilliant emerald eyes empty and blank. She may have taken James away from him but she had also been one of the few people who understood him.

And in the crib, still crying, is Harry. Sirius freezes as he stares at the baby who is beginning to quiten down after seeing him, most probably recognising him as Uncle Paddy as James often called Sirius.

At that moment, Sirius thinks that it is fucking unfair that James had to die, is dead, while his son had escaped with no visible injuries.

Maybe it is the Black in him who thinks so but for a few moments he cannot help but hate the baby. Harry is the reason James is dead and Sirius isn't sure if he will be able to ever forgive the boy.

It is only after a few more minutes of silence as Harry's walls died down did Sirius gather his wits and realize what he is doing.

He blinks in horror before rushing towards the crib and picking up the boy. The boy gurgles and laughs, not understanding the situation. Sirius makes his way to the front of the house, his head bowed low. He lets his eyes drift close as he passes Jam- no, the body - on his way out.

Then Hagrid comes. And as much as he wishes to hold Baby Harry by his side he concedes that Dumbledore would be more suited to protect him than Sirius.

And Sirius had just remembered something that had to be done.

Peter Pettisgrew.

oOoOo  

Of course he ends up in Azkaban. And while he has no doubt that he deserves the fate it is still had to bear. Especially when he remembers the fact that he could have stopped it.

He might have killed Wormtail but he finds no satisfaction in it.

The world believes him to be a killer and he can't blame them. He might as well kill them himself. He often wonders how Harry is and what he must be like and if he is like James but he knows that he will never have the chance to see the boy ever again.

But the worst parts are the memories.

Marlene dying.

Gideon and Fabian dying.

James spread eagle shaped on the floor of their house, his hazel eyes blank.

He closes his eyes and changes into Padfoot and while that eases the pain a little he still feels the sting.

He resigns himself to a life with the Dementors but that is before the Minister comes with the Daily Prophet. And while he doesn't glance at it until after the Minister leaves, he immediately recognizes the rat on the front page.

He turns into Padfoot and growls and howls because while he doesn't mind going to prison for the death of Potters, he feels he has failed them again by letting Pettisgrew live.

So he decides that he will not fail this time an even though he knows he is headed towards Dementors kiss by doing so he escapes and starts his hunt for the rat.

He goes from alley way to alley way feasting on rats and other small rodents trying not to think too deep about how they taste. He thinks to going directly to the Weasley's but the pull towards his godson is stronger so he goes to the place be remembers Lily once mentioning her sister lives in.

He doesn't expect to see Harry so soon but there the boy stands, with his suitcase in one hand and wand in the other.

Sirius takes his time and studies the boy.

And he is hit with an onslaught of memories more painful than the ones he gets in Azkaban.

Because those are the sad and terrible ones he deserves to see. He can fool himself into thinking that his whole life was a misery and Azkaban was no worse. But then the memory he sees when facing his godson nearly makes him collapse.

James.

James introducing himself.

James grinning and laughing and smiling like nothing will ever go wrong.

James zooming around on the Quidditch Pitch, the wind tousling his hair.

James with a sparkle in his eye after a successful prank.

James with eyes deeper than oceans and smile bigger than stars.

James.

Then the Knight Bus arrives and Sirius melts back into the shadows ready to lick his wounds.

Though he knows that the scars will never fade away.