Knowing
She couldn't refuse his offer. Jude could see something in his eyes, which changed her mind. Whether it was love for a dear friend or even more but she hadn't seen it ever before.
Now, she was nervous. Standing in front of his home, dressed casually for the first time in months. It felt odd to be here after saying goodbye, what was supposed to be their last coming together.
Jude was still unsure about Timothy and her feelings regarding him. She'd been ready to offer herself, body and soul and he had rejected her. Would she be ready to be on a friendship basis or did she want more and even if, could she accept to be only friends again? Jude couldn't answer her own questions and decided to just let it go. Her mind was too confused and Timothy hadn't explained himself yet.
The door opened after Jude rang the doorbell and Eva's arms hugged her legs immediately. "You came! You're really here." It felt wonderful that the little girl was so happy to see her and her heart filled with love and adoration. "I told you I would." Just now, Jude saw that Eva wore a bathing suit. "Have you been swimming already honey?"
"No, I waited for you. Daddy is making a Barbe- a Barby- I don't know, it's with fire." Jude knelt down and picked her up. "You mean a Barbecue. I haven't seen your yard yet, lead the way young lady." She sat her down after kissing Eva's forehead and followed her through the long hallway. Since she's only been here in winter, Timothy hadn't shown her how big the porch and yard were.
Jude followed Eva outside and admired the spacious porch and the lovingly set table. Timothy was kneeling in front of a baby pool and held Emma securely who was splashing around water, mostly on Timothy. "Sorry I couldn't come to the door myself, she's able to sit but I'm afraid she might fall in the water."
His shirt was pleasantly soaked and it reminded Jude of their last time together. Her train of thoughts got interrupted by Eva who was jumping in another pool for older children and both girls started to squeal and laugh. Jude sat down her purse and met Timothy at the smaller pool. "It's really lovely outside. I didn't imagine it to be such a big property."
He had secretly admired how she looked today and he was damned. She wore a white, long summer dress with thin straps and little buttons at the front. Why did it has to be white? "Yes, um, it was one of the reasons why I bought it. A lot of space for the kids to run and play and I always imagined a porch to sit down and watch the sunset. I know, it's quit a cliche but I'm enjoying it immensely."
Jude didn't answer right away, just watching Emma play with a rubber duck. It has been a little fantasy of her, watching children play while sitting in a rocking chair breastfeeding her own baby but life was cruel and she'd never been able to carry her own children. "No, it's nice. I can imagine how much you must enjoy it." She smiled sadly and didn't meet his eyes, trying to occupy herself with something else than sad dreams, forbidden fantasies and Timothy's soaked shirt and probably trousers.
"Well, I'm quite hungry, what do you think of drying the children and then I'm starting dinner." Timothy lifted Emma out of the water and sat her on a towel next to him, she started to cry immediately not wanting to stop playing.
"It's about time to get out Eva." But the girl had different plans though and held her breath before disappearing under the water. Jude closed the distance and as she stood in front of the pool, Eva jumped up and splashed the water around, screaming dangerously. "I'm a big white shark, arg!!!" Emma squealed, loving the surprise and water that hit her chubby body again.
Spurred on by the enthusiastic baby laughter, Eva dunked and jumped again. Both adult couldn't help themselves and joined in, seeing the children so carefree and happy ignited a water fight. Jude splashed Eva in the bigger pool and Timothy used the water of the smaller one while baby Emma threw her arms around trying to catch the drops.
"Alright, I got you!" Jude had gotten a hold on Eva and lifted her out of the pool before placing a kiss on her forehead and ending the water war. Everyone was completely soaked and Jude held the girl securely against her front, covering herself with the smaller body.
"And how did you think we're going to eat completely wet?" The girl giggled, enjoying the lovingly hug of her mother figure, the only one she had. "It's warm, we can eat like this. I don't mind." Of course she didn't but Jude felt already slightly uncomfortable. Timothy hadn't moved, still sitting with Emma between both pools. He wasn't faring better than Jude but at least he could change.
She regretted choosing this particular dress and felt how the thin fabric sticked against her body apart from the color which would probably be see through again. "Ehm, do you mind giving me something else to wear?"
Her voice ripped him out of his flashback, or fantasy or dream, he couldn't decide. That one night had filled his mind for months at day and night and if he didn't want it to become a nightmare, he needed to get himself together. "Ah yeah, a bathrobe maybe?" He would be damned if she would only wear a shirt, those legs would be his undoing.
Standing but unsure where to put Emma he stopped. "Would you take her, the towel and grass are wet." His parental instinct stronger than his desire, he offered Jude the baby. Reluctantly she sat Eva down, revealing her soaked dress and also that she wasn't wearing a bra, again. Jude took the baby and turned slightly, fully aware of his stare.
Weren't nuns supposed to wear underwear or was she an exception? Last time was explainable but why now? He eent inside and dryed himself quickly before dressing and searching his thin robe, long enough to cover her knee's but probably still too warm to sit outside.
They hadn't talked yet and her attire was difficult to endure. Timothy checked his memo in case he wouldn't get the chance later.
He had written down what he wanted to tell her and how to proceed, fully aware how important that talk was. He couldn't risk to ruin the evening again, this was probably his last chance to redeem himself after hurting her so much.
"I found something for you, you can change in my room." He took Emma and gave Jude the robe, ignoring her beautiful sun dress. "And sweetheart, you have to change too, come." Timothy helped Eva out of the pool who had sneaked inside again while Jude sang softly for the baby.
Less then 20 minutes later, Emma was fed and playing quietly in her bed, fighting for staying awake. Jude and Eva prepared their salad and Timothy grilled their meat, ignoring the other flesh that Jude showed when she moved. He was fucked, at least that's what he hoped some day but right now it was only torture and he tried to remember his memo.
Timothy prayed for strength and sat the food on the table, ignoring how the movement of cutting tomatoes shifted the fabric of Jude's robe.
They ate mostly in silence, only Eva as talkative as ever. "This's really good daddy." He chuckled lightly, knowing very well what she didn't want to voice. "Yeah, better than usual. My cooking skills didn't improve unfortunately." Jude had never criticized him but it was an unspoken joke between his daughter and him that he sucked at cooking.
"It's really good Timothy, one of the best steaks I ever had." She was enjoying it immensely since she hadn't had a barbecue in years. "Maybe I should always use the grill in summer." "And in winter." Eva chimed in with a full mouth.
After cleaning and checking on baby Emma they brought Eva in bed together, reading a story and soon, the little whirlwind was asleep. It had been a quite eventful day and Jude used Timothy's bedroom to change again, feeling even more uncomfortable without a child around them.
"It was really nice, thank you." Since Timothy hadn't made a move to start an earnest conversation, Jude wanted to go. "Already? I've made dessert and the night's still young." He needed to get a grip and stop being such a coward. He was a grown man and maybe this his only chance to change everything for good.
"No, I really should drive back." She stopped at his hand around her wrist. First, the touch felt desperate but as she turned, his hand held hers loosely, his thumb stroking her knuckles. "Please stay, just for a little while." Jude thought he might kiss her, his head close to hers but only their noses were touching. "I don't want you to go." He breathed against her. She'd closed her eyes, loosing the inner fight to step back but since he felt so confident she could only melt at his close proximity. "I never want to let you go again."
His memo forgotten in the heat of the moment, everything he wanted to say vanished from his mind. "What does that mean?" Their lips nearly touched as she spoke. "It means -" "I need to pee."
Both stepped back as they heard Eva. "Daddy I'm scared. I don't want to go alone." With a heavy heart, Timothy left Jude and picked Eva up. "Alright, I'll watch that no monsters will come in the bathroom."
Jude was unsure of how to proceed. She left her purse in the hallway and walked into the kitchen. Filling two glasses with water, one for herself and one for the little spoil sport. "But you will get only one glass okay, I don't want you to wake up again." He stopped as he found the already filled glass. "Oh, thank you." He was very pleased that someone could assist him, since he was used to do everything on his own.
As they left again, Jude decided it was time to talk. He couldn't just decide to change their relationship or friendship as if nothing had ever happened. She suffered from heartache for months until he came back into her life. He needed to vocalize his intentions before she would hold her hopes high.
"I'm really sorry, usually she won't wake up." Jude nodded and tried to find the right words to say but Timothy was faster. "There was a reason why I visited St. Andrew's... I didn't know you were there at first." At her hurt look he continued. "But I was there because of you. I needed some answers. All I knew was that I wanted you in my life, still want. But I respect your position and vows and felt unable to make a move at you. I really desired to but even after leaving the church, I- I respect that institution and you're married to God so I was clueless at how to proceed. All I know is that I can't continue our friendship."
He paused, thinking how to tell her everything without embarrassing himself. Unbeknownst to him, Jude's eyes filled with tears. He seemed to want to move on, leaving his past and her behind since they weren't allowed to be together. As the seconds passed without him speaking, Jude decided it was time to go, not wanting to stay any longer. "It's alright, then we shouldn't."
He raised his eyes in time to see her brushing away tears from her cheeks. "No that's not what I wanted to say." Timothy walked around the counter, stopping her again from leaving. This time, he held her around her waist, pulling her back against his chest. Jude was surprised by this intimate touch and tried to evade him. "I can't continue our friendship because I want more. We aren't allowed to be together romantically but I also can't live without you. That's why I consulted Father Malachy."
"And what did he say?" She didn't dare to breath or move, not wanting to get any closer to him. "He said, I need to be sure. You would leave everything and everyone behind. We couldn't just fool around like teenagers and if I'm unwilling to make a commitment, you shouldn't be leaving."
"Are you willing to?" She was afraid of the answer, whether it was a yes or no.
"I am. Every blonde woman I see on the streets, I hope it's you, every time I hear heels behind me, I pray it's you. I can't move around the house without thinking of you, when I hear the doorbell I always hope you would be standing there with your suitcase, being ready to live with us. I'm thinking of you day and night and if you're willing to give up your life, I'm offering you a new one, filled with love, adoration, happy children and a handsome husband."
Timothy felt how she stiffened at the last word. She'd meltet before during his little speech but now she just stood there like a statue. "Jude?"
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