There was a short break between casting and trying on for the first photo session before recording our series, which I spent on the next preparation for the role.  Actually, I was a bit surprised to get it.  I have always liked to sing, dance and perform in front of others, I had no problem with that.  I also liked posing for photos and taking on various challenges.  The slightest obstacle was that I was sometimes clumsy.

I don't know if I was more stressed about the first official photoshoot and first introduction meeting with everyone working on the show, or if I was more excited and impatient to be on set and start shooting.

I felt as if something new, unknown and exciting was waiting for me just around the corner.  I kept telling myself it was just work, that I wasn't waiting for everyone to show up, especially that one fair-skinned, dark-haired hunk.  I kept repeating to myself that I was waiting for Nat, with whom I had a brotherly bond from the very beginning.  I had no idea why I was nervous or why I was impatient.  Every now and then I looked at the phone screen.

It's cruel how slowly time has passed, and even more so that I probably came much too early.

But I wanted to be here.  It was my first big project, the first series where I was going to play alongside other very famous artists.  When the full cast was announced, I noticed as many as five familiar nicknames: Zee, Max, Nat, Boun, and Prem.  I already knew each of them from the screen.  Boun and Prem were going to make a guest appearance, I didn't know what role yet, but they will definitely be there.  This was mainly due to the fact that they also had other responsibilities and little time to do, but they were very anxious to participate.

Today we had our first photo session and costumes fitting in front of us.

I was given the lead role, NuKuea Kiirati, who was a rebel who wanted to be himself, but at the same time was ready to pretend to be an obedient, polite boy in front of Hia Lian.  I liked the character from the very first moment I read the script, although I didn't quite identify with him.  First of all, I wasn't a rebel, and I didn't think it was a good idea to pretend to be someone else just to gain approval in the eyes of a loved one.  Melanie would often laugh at me for not understanding love, and then tease me that it was probably because I've never been in love.

I was offended by her guesses, but quietly had to admit she was right.  Although it irritated me that she knew me that well.

— Why are you staring at that phone?  Are you waiting for a message from your girlfriend? —  Nat's unexpected voice in front of me almost made me jump in my chair.

— Oh!  Nat!  Why are you scaring me?  — I asked reproachfully, placing my hand on my chest and trying to calm my frightened heart.

—I didn't mean to scare you, but I saw you staring at your phone as if you were waiting for something. So what?  Answer me.  Are you waiting for a message from a girl?

— Nope.  I don't have a girlfriend, and between us, they don't interest me that way.

I wasn't afraid to tell him that, I had a feeling that we were identical in this respect.  You just know these things.  Even more so when I looked at his relationship with Max, it was definitely much more than just Phi-Nong, much more than just friends or even very close friends.  Besides, they didn't hide too much about it, although it's not that they bragged about it to everyone.  No, they were just very casual, they had no qualms about showing each other a bit of affection, and I could conclude that they had been together for a while.  They didn't look embarrassed when someone caught them doing some rather personal, almost intimate gesture.

— Papa Zee will be pleased when tell him that — He said with a smile that seemed a little suspicious to me.

— Papa Zee?  — I asked.  — What does he have to do with it?

Nat covered his mouth with both of his hands as if he wasn't going to tell me more, as if he had revealed some urgently hidden secret.  I was confused.  I remembered Nat treating Zee like his fake daddy, that they had fun with Saint so much that they were called "The Koala Family." And who would I be here?  When a moment later Zee appeared in the room, his expression was quite strict, although in real life he was even more handsome than in any photos I have seen. In both ears he had small earrings which he was told to take off immediately, stating that they didn't match the image of Hia Liana  He came dressed in bright jeans with holes in the knees and a black T-shirt with short sleeves.

He seemed quite gloomy and rather stiff, completely unlike that Zee from the recordings I watched so passionately a few days earlier.  It's like someone else who just looks the same is standing in front of me.  When he noticed me staring at him, he pressed his lips together into a narrow line and made a face as if my mere presence was getting on his nerves.  Fine!  And I thought we would like each other right away!

And what now?  He's playing the second lead role, I can't avoid him.  And I cannot give up.

— Hey, what are you pouting like that?  You don't like Papa Zee?  — Nat asked me.  Apparently he was watching me closely.

—No — I huffed. — Why does he seem so rude?

— Papa Zee rude?  Ha ha ha —  Nat laughed.

I don't know what's so funny about that?

I turned on my heel and pretended I needed to use the toilet so I went looking for it, but I really just wanted to be alone.  Zee aroused conflicting emotions in me.  He was handsome, he was eye-catching, and at the same time seemed distant and inaccessible, as if I were a mere servant and he was the king in the royal court.  Perhaps there were more to us than I ever dared to imagine.

Where is the smile I remember from the videos?  And that glitter in his eyes, that warmth and promise of instant intimacy that radiated from his every move and gesture?  Was it all a fiction?  He was playing?  And I?  Have I been deceived and deceived?  Were they just appearances?

Nat seemed to read my mind.  He caught up with me quickly.

— It's not what you think.  Papa Zee has been through a lot in the last few months, please don't cross him so easily.

— He seems like an asshole playing with other people's feelings.

—It's just an image so that no one else hurts him. He tries to scare everyone to not give them chance to hurt him more.

— No one else?  Someone hurt him? —   I showed a sudden interest in the subject by turning my head towards it.  We were still walking towards the toilets.

—I can't tell you more — Nat ran his fingers over his mouth, signaling me that they were locked with a zipper and a padlock.  I sighed, feeling even more irritated.  What did I miss?

—  Nat ... — I said a warning, looking straight into his eyes as if I tried to look through his soul and make him talk. If he started, he needs to tell me everything, because otherwhise why did he even say that?  —  Tell me what you know.

— No.  I won't tell you anything.  You can ask him yourself — Nat looked at me like he was challenging me. Maybe he didn't believe that I have enough courage to ask Zee by myself?

— I don't want.  He will chase me away yet, or he will decide that I am interfering.  Anyway, it's none of my business.

— Whatever you want.  — Nat shrugged as if it didn't matter.  He was acting quite strange, hiding something, something about Zee.

I wanted to say something else, but that was when I was called and invited to change into the clothes that had just been given to me.  I did it without delay, feeling my excitement building up inside me.  I was so happy to start something new and important!

— You need to have your ears pierced — our make-up artist said to me, staring at me critically from all angles.

—What?  Why?

—Because NuKuea is not a good boy, when Hia Lian doesn't see him, he wears earrings, sings while hiding his face in the shadows and under a baseball cap, and does whatever he thinks his fiancée would not like.

— Oh!  How I hate these stereotypes!  — Nat made a funny face, as if our make-up artist had said something terrible.  — The fact that someone wears earrings, has tattoos or dreams of a career in the entertainment industry doesn't immediately mean that he is a bad person or that he is worth less!

— But it has to be done anyways — Our make-up artist said again.

I wasn't thrilled about it, but I agreed anyway.  Let it be, once a goat's death.  It never crossed my mind before that I would have to do something like this for a role on a show.  Even though the make-up artist tried to be gentle, and she must have been skilled, I winced in pain.

— Ouch — I hissed, closing my eyes and wondering what other sacrifices I would have to prepare for, since that was just the beginning.  My eyelids must have weighed a ton.

Unexpectedly, someone put his hands on my shoulders and began to gently massage them.  It was nice, very nice, for a good minute I relished the feeling, allowing all the nervousness to leave my body.

— Relax, it's over — I heard a deep, familiar voice above me.  I opened my eyes immediately and looked into the mirror.

Behind me was Zee with a lopsided smile on his face.  His hands were on my shoulders.  So it was him!

— Mr. Zee ... - I started, but he interrupted me.

— There is no need to call me "mr. ", I feel old. Just call me Zee, we'll work together from now on, it'll be easier — He insisted.

I was looking at our reflections in the mirror and for the first time I thought we looked cool together, handsome prince and ugly duckling because that's what I thought about myself.  Then I chased the thought away just as quickly.  If Mel and Cow had found out about this, they would never have left me alone.

— Okay.

— New, are you afraid of me?  — He asked unexpectedly.  I wanted to deny it, but that would be a lie.  Something about him made me feel intimidated.

—Zee ...

— I think we need to spend more time together to get to know each other better.  You will play my fiance, you can't still be so tense — He said and he went back to the previously interrupted massaging of my arms, and he did it with such skill and ease, as if we had known each other for a long time, as if I had not been a complete stranger to him at all.  — How about if we go out to dinner?  I'll even let you choose where to.

— That sounds great — I agreed, swallowing loudly.

When the make-up artist pushed him away from me, claiming he was bothering us, I couldn't get him out of my mind and realized one thing: I liked Zee.  Even despite the slightly scary first impression.  And I was afraid that by the end of work on the show, I might be completely out of my mind for him.  I have to be careful.

* * *

A fairy-tale vision of love — this is what we were expected to present in our series.  When I read the short plot synopsis of the show I was about to star in, I found it too shallow.  Back then, we didn't get the detailed scenarios yet, I actually only got the first three scenes to work on and rehearse.

—This is for the beginning —  P'Sky said, trying to keep his voice cheerful, serene and gentle, but his eyes lacking enthusiasm, terribly cold and empty, like a soulless body.  P'Sky was our director and also my manager, although from our first meeting I didn't feel comfortable in his company.  He seemed overconfident, almost arrogant, and at times his jokes were very out of place.

I picked up the pages with the script, and as I discussed how to play these scenes, I felt someone's eyes on me.  Finally I turned my head and met Zee's gaze intently.  His face was blank, his eyes cool, his demeanor aloof and closed.  He raised his bushy eyebrows as our eyes met as if he was asking me something.  I briefly denied it, frowning.

"What does he want from me?" —  I thought.

I didn't understand him.  At the same time, I felt that there was much more to this mask of ignorance, and I was drawn to discover it.  To answer the question, “Why are you like this?” He seemed unavailable. He folded his arms over his chest and went back to reading his text. I saw him move his lips silently, as if reading every line and trying to remember now.

"Workaholic — I got carried away by further reflections.  — Is really the only thing he cares about work?  Does he have no social life?  No feelings, emotions?  Interesting, someone like him probably doesn't even go out with his friends. "

I couldn't imagine him going out and dancing happilly with his friends. I couldn't even imagine him having other friends than Max, in first day I saw Zee talking only to Max and to P'Sky. Maybe he doesn't like people? And is here only because of work...?

But I immediately reflected.

I shouldn't have been judging him right now.  After all, I don't know anything about him, I don't know him.  The truth may be quite different.  Perhaps Zee has some reasons to act like this?

I was so lost in thought that I didn't notice when he came over to me.  Meanwhile, P'Sky has disappeared somewhere.  Max and Nat sat opposite each other at the table, talking on some insignificant topic, feeding each other snacks that our studio didn't lack.  Nat laughed happily from time to time.  They stared at each other as if they didn't realize they were in a room that had twenty other people besides them, including camera operators, costume designers, and sound engineers.  Chaos was apparently here, but this is only an illusion.  In fact, everyone had a task assigned to them and knew perfectly well what to do.  Som tried to find the right makeup for the actress who was to play Nuchy, the only girl in the university group to which NuKuea belonged.

— New, since we're gonna play together, I think we should get to know each other better. — I heard his deep, soft, voice right behind me.  He was saying the same thing again.  I turned abruptly, hitting him accidentally in the stomach with my elbow.  Well ... I've always been clumsy and it's no wonder that at the very beginning of our cooperation I showed off in this way.  I was angry with myself.  And I tried so hard!  Now Zee will definitely try to get back for it.  —Ouch! New! Are you trying to kill me?!

— Sorry, really sorry.  I didn't want to!  — I began to apologize, without thinking, lunging at him and trying to pick up his shirt to see if I had hurt him too much.

—New — He said shortly.  I looked up to find him smiling.  He did the same thing again, as if it amused him: first he acted as inaccessible and mean, and then he smiled charmingly and spoke smooth words, complimented me and made my heart want to tear my breast out.  I didn't know what to think about him.  He introduced chaos both in my head and on the set of our series.

— Eeeee... What...?

— You're charming, very cute — He said right away, without any inhibitions.  I felt weird.  This was something new for me.  No boy has ever said that I am cute.  I didn't think this was the case myself, and the fact that I was rather unlucky in relationships seemed to confirm it.

— I'm not.  But thank you — I said in the most formal tone I could.

I didn't want to lose this job, it meant too much to me, so I felt that showing respect to my screen partner should facilitate our cooperation.  Only I knew very well that if he remained so nice to me, if he continued to compliment me and mess with my thoughts, I wouldn't be able to keep my distance for too long.  He was way too much my type.

„It's just a job, New, focus.  He does it to make it easier for us to work, in fact I don't interest him that way.  It's impossible for him to like me, just me.  I must be a professional.  It's just a job, nothing else.  And Zee is a star here, I have to treat him well, I have to show him that I'm not afraid of him.  I don't care how handsome he is or how wonderfully deep his voice sounds when he talks to me.  He's just a colleague who will forget about me as soon as we're done recording.  I have to be very careful, I can't trust him.  Something must have happened between him and Saint, because I'm sure if it wasn't for that, they would have played here together, they had a great chemistry with each other.  It's suspicious that Saint isn't here and wasn't even at the auditions ... "

In the end, I gave up on such thoughts that were getting nowhere.

After this long day was over, Zee insisted on escorting me all the way to the dormitory.  I couldn't let that happen, remembering that Cow and Mel would have been pestering me about it for the rest of my life.  Unfortunately, it was also difficult for me to say no, he was older, deserved respect and in addition he was a star, in a way my idol, how was I supposed to simply say "No"?

That's why I walked right next to him and listened to him talk about the challenges facing me in the entertainment industry.  He sounded a little lecturing to me, but you could tell he wanted to talk to someone, so I didn't interrupt him.  In fact, I felt extremely good in his company.

— We still haven't gone to dinner together yet — He said suddenly, his mouth curving into a horseshoe as if he was super sad.

— We'll go tomorrow, if you have time.  Tomorrow I have no plans — I replied, wanting to cheer him up a bit.  He smiled immediately, and I asked myself again, "What's wrong with him?"

— Really?  Will you come to dinner with me?

— Of course.  You're right, now we will work together, it would be nice if we spent some time together. — I used his own words.  His smile grew even wider.  — What are you laughing at?

— Oh me?  I'm not laughing, I'm smiling at you because you are cute.

— I'm not cute and stop saying that, or we're not going anywhere — I threatened, stepping closer and stopping.  I tapped my finger on his forehead. — I don't know what nonsense you are thinking, but get it out of your head.

— New!  I didn't know you could be so mean!

— Because you don't know anything about me yet — I said mysteriously. — Now forgive me, but we're here.  Goodbye.

— Huh?!

— I said goodbye.  See you tomorrow.  And don't make such a miserable face, because you will stay that way.

The initial distrust of him after spending the whole day together slowly faded away.  Something about him made me say whatever the saliva brought on my tongue, and at the same time there were times when I felt insecure or uncomfortable.  For some reason I wanted to do well in front of him, I wanted to get a good name in his eyes.

I turned and started walking to my room, leaving him in the center of the sidewalk.  I knew he was looking at me, I could feel his eyes on me, so I accelerated as if I was running away from something.  It seemed to me that there was a hostile shadow behind every tree, ready to attack me if I only showed a shred of dread.  I didn't like the night, even in the middle of the city.  I wanted to sit on the bed in my room as soon as possible, where I felt much safer.  In a way, I was glad that Zee saw me off and I didn't have to go alone.