— Hey, look, Nu's hands have fallen off!  Look, they're on the floor. —Annie pointed at my boyfriend, whom I was feeding.

— Huh?  — Nu looked confused.

— What, Zee?  Do you really have to do everything for him?  I understand that you care about him, but what is this?!  Let him do his own thing, he's got hands, right?  Let them alone!  You'll make him an invalid!

— ANNIE!  — Perth shouted at her, amused, raising his hand as if to strike her.  She did the same and after a while we had an amazing view of two cute kittens fighting each other with their paws.  They didn't fight seriously, they were rather teasing each other (or maybe us?).  Nat, of course, took the opportunity and recorded the Story for Instagram.  He would never miss such a chance in his life!

— So many lovers at one table, it makes me sick. —  Saint made a face as if he wanted to vomit.  Max shook his head, but seeing New's critical look, he grabbed his glass of soda and took a few sips.  Max didn't trust Saint.  I know it's because of what he witnessed himself, but we've already talked it out!  But I wasn't going to point it out to him, though I thought Saint had already atoned for what he'd done wrong.

— Oh!  I had completely forgotten that your lover is thousands of miles away now —  Annie snorted, giving Saint an extremely mean smile.  He answered her with a raised eyebrow.

— You talk as if you know everything.

— Because I know everything.

— From where?

— From Lando.  I found it suspicious when he asked me personally to look after you while he was away, so I started questioning him.  But don't worry, he didn't want to give me any juicy details, he just said that you are important to him and he doesn't want anything to happen to you.

— Cute — Max commented dryly.  Nat nudged him in the side with his shoulder and scolded him quietly.

— Yeah, cute — To everyone's surprise, Saint agreed, only without a trace of sarcasm.  He was quite serious.

—So Lando is your boyfriend? —  New asked in turn.

— Not yet, but soon. He won't resist my charm for long.

—  Excellent.  The best news I could hear.  I hope he'll agree soon —  New said, smiling brightly as if he'd just won an Oscar.  What is?!

—  Huh?  What are you trying to do?

—  Err?  Me?  Nothing! —  New looked visibly flustered, and that gave me complete confidence that he had his fingers in Lando and Saint's story.  I decided to ask him about it as soon as we were alone.  Nu is a very smart boy, but sometimes I don't know where his thoughts go, he can be rude, crazy, obnoxious, to the point that sometimes I don't know if my boyfriend is still human or some magical hob who loves to mischief.  Such a prankster with exceptionally wonderful cheeks.

In moments like this you want to stop time, you dream that this day will never end: when you are filled to the brim with happiness and love, when you love and know that you are loved, when you are surrounded by people who understand you perfectly.  You want this one great day to last forever, so that suffering and disappointment never come, you want to avoid heartbreak.  But you know that time waits for no one, the future is inevitable and it's happening right now, before your eyes.  For a moment you forget what happened wrong, for a moment you have everything you ever dreamed of.  For a moment.  Until the gray reality catches up with you, but that's the beauty of life: the good times and the bad times that help us appreciate the good times more.

Just looking into NuNew's eyes sometimes was enough for me to call myself „lucky“. Because I was lucky, when I got to meet him, but also meet Max, Nat, Saint, Perth, Annie and others. Today we're like one big family, we may not talk to each other everyday, but when we meet, we talk, we share thoughts, we're not afraid to tell what we really think even tho P'Sky wanted us to be scared, we didn't give up and today, even as little thing as staring at your loved one is enough to make you feel warm and light inside.

I loved looking at them while they rehearsed, I loved listening to NuNu, when he was singing, watching him dancing or making funny faces in front of his fans through the Instagram. I couldn't stop smiling even tho Max was teasing me about it. It was enough to remind him how he was when he was hitting on Nat to make him stop teasing me. Even tho Max was making fun of me, I knew I got my best friend in him.

But there was something I was never telling anyone. One little secret. For now nobody knows and... Maybe it should stay like this, because maybe they're not strong enough to hold on if they knew. Sometimes it's better to not know.

Sometimes when I looked at my friends, I couldn't stop my thoughts and they kept on reminding me about my past, about something, what changed me mostly. It wasn't this what Saint did to me...

But every time when I think about it, I feel like I was drowning, I can't move, I can't breathe, I'm under water and nobody sees my pain, my fear, I'm left alone to die. But by some miracle I get my chance, chance to breathe again, to change my life, to change my future. I try to stop these thoughts but they keep on following me everywhere. And these days are the hardest and then I need my meds, to calm down, to feel myself again. NuNu knows that I have insomnia, but he doesn't know real reason, he doesn't know that as teenager I was used to live on the street, when my parents kicked me out of our house. These people that NuNu and others met, are not my real parents, but they are the ones who helped me the most, when I was just a homeless, teenage gay scared of being himself. At that time I really gave up. That day I was super cold, I was also hungry, but I didn't manage to get anything to eat, so I was just sitting on the bench in the park and trying to read book that I found near to library. I think someone just lost that book after visiting this place. I should turn it back to library, but when I tried to come inside, security chased me away. I will never forget that day, because it was the day that changed my life. After that few months later I met Max and he became my best friend. But even he doesn't know about my past. Nobody knows my real name, they know Zee Pruk Panich and I think that's enough, they don't need to know more. Today I'm just one of many BL actors in my country, I even have fans, which is funny, because deep down I know I don't deserve to have fans, people who call me their idol, inspiration and motivation. If they knew more about me...

They'd probably hate me.

And I know, I'd deserve that.

But somehow life goes on.

★    ★    ★ 

Annie saw Saint pull a lighter out of his pocket, which struck her as suspicious since Saint doesn't smoke.  At least that's how I explained it to myself.  I've never seen Saint smoke since I can remember, he hates it, why would he do something he hates?

— You guys carry strange things with you, boys —  The Polish woman pointed out, taking a box of colored pins from NuNew's pocket.  — What do you need a lighter and pins for?

NuNew was confused, but Saint quickly found an evasive answer while patting Nu almost discreetly on the back, as if signaling him not to interfere.

—  We are preparing a project to help promote our series — He smiled not very sincerely.
Annie just raised her eyebrows.

— Oh... Really?

She didn't believe them, and that didn't surprise me at all.  The fact that the two of them were doing something together seemed suspicious.  My former screen partner together with my current life partner?  Shouldn't they just hate each other in the eyes of the public?  If someone finds out, we're all going to be in trouble.  I had to stop them, so I grabbed the first thing I came across from the desk next to me, which was a roll of clear duct tape, and slipped it unobtrusively into my own trouser pocket.  I moved closer to NuNu and put my arm around him.

— What's up, NuNu? — I asked innocently, staring at him.  I knew very well how to distract others.  I looked at his lips as if I wanted to kiss him.  I hoped he would understand and pick up my game, but he must have noticed what I had done a moment ago, because he slipped his hand into my pocket and took out not only the tape, but also the small penknife I had hidden there much earlier.

— Oh look, Zee has some weird stuff in his pocket too — NuNu defended himself, showing off the items he had obtained.

— Annie, why don't you show us what's in your bag? — Saint suggested.  It was too much for Polish woman.  She turned and left the room without a word, leaving us alone.  After a while, however, she returned to pick up her forgotten purse slung over the back of the chair.  NuNew laughed nervously.  Sometimes that was how he reacted to stressful situations: laughing.  I hugged him to show my support.  Whatever they were up to, I wasn't going to interrupt them, they're both adults now, I can't lead them by the hand forever.  If they do something stupid and irresponsible, they will pay for it themselves.  I just felt a little sorry for them: they didn't know what they were signing up for.  If P'Sky found out what was going on here, I don't think any of us would make it out alive.

  And that worried me the most.  Damn me, I deserved it, but what about NuNu?  After all, he is a good, innocent, honest and gentle boy with a heart of pure gold, he is the weakest link, it is clear that they will try to attack him first.  So I better at least publicly do exactly what P'Sky wants me to do.  You have to lull his vigilance, you have to make him feel overconfident and screw himself up.  However, this can be a big problem: he's a damn cunning son of a bitch, we can't handle him alone.

Sometimes bad times can erase memories of good times.  And sometimes vice versa, it is the good events that make us forget about the bad ones.