— Do you remember how many times we've been accused of really doing everything for money? —  Zee asked, and I just smiled faintly, though I wasn't laughing at all.  Annie answered.  But how she knew all this, I had no idea.  We strolled leisurely along the path through the trees, breathing in the fresh air and recharging our batteries for another week of hard work.  We had extremely difficult scenes to record.

— It wasn't even the worst.  I remember one time I was scrolling through instagram and I found out that you both got COVID.  I felt that something stinks there for me and I started to read your stories carefully, I even talked to Daria, although she thought that if you say so, I should rather believe you and... Guys... You know, I'm really sorry!  I know that as a fan I should believe you guys, but...

— Annie, don't worry so much about it.  We're not angry about that, are we, Zee? — I looked towards my on-screen partner, trying to telepathically get him to back me up.  Zee just nodded but said nothing.  He was looking at our interlocutor as if he wanted to X-ray her.  I had to keep myself from kicking him in the leg to keep him cool.  Annie must have noticed his look by now, which was probably why it was hard for her to say anything.  Zee this time showed an exceptional lack of sense.  It disappointed me a bit.  Not for the first time, but I understood that a relationship is about knowing each other's strengths and weaknesses and accepting them.

— Anyway, I still don't know if you were really sick then.

— Not at all!  It was the time of Loy Krathong, a holiday celebrated in our country on the full moon in the twelfth month of the Thai lunar calendar.  We wanted to take part in it together, but P'Sky punished us for something and didn't let us go together.  He used the still-existing COVID pandemic as an excuse — Zee explained, plucking a twig from a nearby tree.  The topic still irritated him.  Especially since we could only look at photos of our friends on Instagram who went to the festival and celebrated together.

— Oh, that's why! But... Forgive me, I guess I'll never understand: what's wrong with being LGBT in an industry that makes boys love shows?  After all, that should be an advantage, shouldn't it?  After all, who knows better how to play an LGBT person than someone who is part of the community themselves?

— Apparently, straight actors don't feel comfortable in our company! — I snorted.

— Nonsense!  Why the hell are these people auditioning for a BL show if they can't accept someone like us?! — Annie exclaimed.

— Relax, Annie, we're used to it by now — Zee tried to comfort her.

* * *

The next week passed quite calmly.  I even had the impression that it was too calm, and after talking to the others, I realized that I was not the only one who thought so.  Annie, Saint, Jimmy, Yim and Tutor also sensed something was in the air.  It was the calm before the storm.

In the meantime, Annie appeared on the set of our series much less frequently.  Now she spent her days taking care of First.  She explained that she had time, and thanks to that Khaotung would be able to perform with us.  We quickly became friends with Khao.  He was a very modest, cheerful boy who knew the hardships of life in the BL industry.

We came back to my house very late that evening.  My head was still full of the events of the day and I couldn't help but analyze everything.  Sometimes I think way too much, then I'm glad to have someone like Zee next to me, who distracts me from drowning in sometimes very gloomy thoughts that could so easily drag me to the very bottom.  I couldn't help being an extremely sensitive person.

On the screen, with tons of makeup, the right filters, and the right lighting, we both looked great, but when we got home and washed off the makeup, you could see how tired and dry the skin underneath was.  I was slowly starting to take up the Polish stance on makeup, and while I loved it and it helped me transform into the person I was going to become on stage or in front of the camera, I was now wondering if maybe we shouldn't actually cut it down a bit.

Especially Zee's complexion demanded to be given a breather.

We sat down at my dressing table in my room, turned on the lights around the mirror, and began cleaning his face of any lip gloss, foundation, powder, and other cosmetics.  I made as gentle movements as I could, as long as they had some effect.  Zee stared at me through half-closed eyes, only blinking occasionally as if to show me his perfectly long, beautiful black lashes.  It was hard to tell from the look in his eyes if he was more sleepy, dreamy, or in love.  He rested his chin on his wrist and let me do whatever came to my mind.

When I was done and I was reasonably happy with the result, I leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead.  It was my way of telling him that whatever happened, he would always have me by his side.  We've been through a lot together.  At first I was afraid of him, then I liked him, and at some point I lost trust in him.  These things happen.  Sometimes the people we love the most also hurt us the most.  Until we got to the point where he's dozing off on my dressing table in my room, and I can look at him freely, talk to him freely about everything that's on my mind, I can tell him all my secrets, and I'm no longer afraid that he'll  leave me or betray.  The Zee Pruk I knew wasn't like that.  If I've learned anything about him, it's that Zee, once he loves someone, doesn't give up, he fights, works hard and is able to sacrifice everything for the person he loves, and he stares at that one person as if nothing else existed.  Nat told me that Zee was like that, but I didn't want to believe it until I saw it for myself.

And it was so nice and wonderful...

I helped Zee up and led him to the bed.  He was clearly exhausted from this long day.

— Sit down for a moment, I'll get you something to change in a minute and we'll go take a shower — I informed him, then went to the closet to take out the kit he often used when he stayed at my place.

Zee has become a family to me.  It was with him that I understood what "safe haven" meant and why "home" is not really a place, but a person and the memories, emotions and feelings associated with it.  I was fucking scared of P'Sky, but knowing Zee was by my side and wouldn't let me get hurt made me feel a little more confident.  It made me sad to think about what not only Zee had to go through, but also the other actors who worked for P'Sky.  Saint even said that I should consider myself lucky because P'Sky didn't do anything to me.  But that was what bothered me.  I would have preferred him to speak out against me, to make his demands clearer, but he only once demanded that Zee and I pretend we were a couple.

Something else puzzled me: did P'Sky know that we were a couple in our private lives as well, or did he just think we were afraid of him and that's why we do what he expects of us?

This ignorance could cost us dearly.  Just like Zee and Saint.

— So, will you take a shower with me? — Zee snapped me out of my thoughts by suddenly standing behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist.  — Ummm?

—  Stop hia!  We're going to take a shower and nothing else.  We're both tired.  Look at you, you're barely standing.  I'll take a shower with you because I'm worried you'll fall asleep in there.

— I could fall asleep in the tub, but not in the shower.

—  Uh.  Ok.  It doesn't matter.  Are you coming or not?  I'm not sleeping with a dirty man.  If you don't take a shower, you can sleep on the floor.

—  Ouch!  It was unpleasant!  Uh!  Be nice to your elders, after all, I'm older and I'm your guest, so I guess I deserve some respect?

— You are not a guest, you are the rightful occupant of this room as my boyfriend, and therefore I can call you whatever I please.

I stuck my tongue out at him, then got out of his arms and headed towards the bathroom.  I knew he would follow me.  I didn't even need to check, all I had to do was hear his soft footsteps behind me.  It's funny, but Zee was one of the very few people I was able to recognize from a distance.  I recognized him even blindfolded, mostly by smell, touch, or the way he walked.  It was his hands that I knew so well that it only took a second for me to know that he was standing in front of me.  It was his lips that touched my neck, my cheeks, and my forehead so often.  It was his hair that was so soft and thick.  He was all mine and I was all his.

Sometimes we had fun quoting different lines from other BL series in which our friends appeared.  Recently, when Annie invited Khaotung to work with us and told us about his and First's plight, Max found on YouTube the series, where they starred in, The Eclipse, and made us all watch it, and when only the first episode was over, Max  thought we'd have a challenge between us to see which pair would be better at enacting a certain iconic scene, apart from me and Zee, there were also Annie vs Perth, Max vs Nate and Mix vs Earth.

— If you're going to hit me once... — I said, imitating Ayan as best as I could — I'll kiss you once.

Of course, Zee wouldn't be himself if he didn't screw something up!

So instead of acting like Akk on the show, he brought his face closer to mine and pouted his lips.

— Come on, if you wan't, I'm not defending myself from you.   Go ahead, if you want to kiss me, then kiss me. Are you brave enough?

Typical Zee.

Max, Nat and Perth were used to our behavior by now, but for Annie it was something new and amazing.  She looked at us with her eyes and mouth wide open, she looked funny.  Max gestured a caricature of throwing up in disgust, and Nat squeezed his bicep as if embarrassed by his boyfriend's behavior.

Annie did it even differently.  She was the one who portrayed Ayan.

— If you hit me once — She said, taking Perth's face in both hands and looking into his eyes. —  Then I'll kiss you three times.

— Are you challenging me? — Perth asked feisty.  — Okay, then I'll kiss you five times.

—  Mmm.  You think you're better?  There is no way!  I will kiss you seven times!

— And I'll kiss you nine times!

Their bidding against each other sounded fun and cute at the same time.  I whispered in Zee's ear asking if he saw what I saw too.  He replied in the affirmative.  There was something beautiful between these two, and although love seems commonplace, it is extraordinary every time.

— I'm glad that Perth finally found someone suitable for himself, who will let him also know what it means to love someone, be in love with someone and be loved by someone — He also answered me in a whisper, covering his mouth from the eyes of others so as not to  they could find out what exactly we were talking about.

— Hey, why are you only listing odd numbers? —  Nat was interested.

— I don't know, we kind of liked it.

Memories of such moments warmed my heart and made me believe that perhaps there is some kind of balance in our world, bad events are compensated by good, positive ones.

After taking a shower, we somehow woke up and didn't feel like sleeping anymore, so Zee made us each a cup of green tea, and we sat down at the kitchen table and started talking.  I finally plucked up the courage to tell him about my conversation with Saint and Cooper.  I was tired of hiding it, but on the other hand, I was a little afraid that Zee would be angry with me.  However, he showed no sign of anger, rather depressed and sad, but when I asked him to talk frankly with Saint, he agreed almost without hesitation.

— Do you know Nu? I miss him too.  He was a damn good friend, I miss him.

— Am I supposed to be jealous? — I was teasing him.

— There's no need, you know P'Zee only loves NuNew.

— I know, I know, I was just kidding.

And then I went on to the story of our pursuit of Cooper, who took pictures of us.  I explained everything to Zee.  Zee knew immediately who was behind it.

— I don't want to lose you, do you understand? P'Sky is sick...

— He's a monster, you mean — I corrected him, cutting him off.  He touched my cheek with his hand, stroked it briefly, then let his hand rest on my knee.  I was still a little angry with him for not telling me everything from the beginning, but I was also starting to understand him better.  After all, we barely knew each other at first, it's understandable that he couldn't trust me right away, I can't make a war on him over something like that.

— You're right — He agreed. — P'Sky is a monster.  I didn't want him to hurt you too.  Nu, if P'Sky knew how important you are to me, he'd get back at you.  At first he would sabotage your work, he would arrange your schedule to interfere with your studies, but then it could only get worse as time went on.  I don't even want to talk or think about what he might do to you.  Please be careful.  — The way he said it and the way he looked at me then left me in no doubt.  P'Zee really cared about me.  He wasn't doing it for himself or his own career, on the contrary, he was doing something that could cost him a lot and he was doing it for me.

I didn't hesitate any longer, didn't let him talk or think too much, grabbed him in my arms and hugged him as tight as I could.

— You're not alone anymore, P'Zee.  Now you have me.  You don't have to carry these burdens on your own shoulders anymore, if you share them with me, it will be easier for both of us.

— And you won't leave me no matter what I say?

— P'Zee, I know it hasn't been easy for you so far, I know you've learned to keep all your negative emotions inside you, but now you've got me to take some of those burdens off of you.  You said that you want us to really give each other a chance, so you need to learn to share with your partner not only your happiness, but also the bad times.  Life does not consist only of pink, joy and happiness, and the relationship of two people is a full spectrum of colors and shades, it is sorrows, joys, emotions, failures and successes experienced together.  It is overcoming difficulties together.  "I" is no longer important, because "we" is more important now, you understand?

—:Yes hia New, I understand.

— Uh!  Brrrr!  Don't call me that, I get goosebumps.

—  You'll get used to it.

_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Sorry for mistakes or repetitions!

And thank you with all my heart for reading this!  love you!!!

~Annie